FOUR
✿
a d i n f i n i t u m
(Latin) to infinity
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THE SLOW AND STEADY breaths occupied the room. The four white walls seemed so depressing, suffocating even.
My heart was beating wildly against my chest. Those were the times when the sound of my own name threatened to send me to my impending damnation.
If I was a fool, I would think the sound of index cards being shuffled was a bit therapeutic, it reminds me of those ASMR videos on the internet.
"Ms. Olivares," the voice of Judge Corpuz cutting through the air. His demeanor always reminded me of Annalise Keating from HTGAWM, but tenfolds stricter.
"In the case of People v. Moreno y Tazon," He moved with a cat-like grace and hauled himself up the table to sit. "What are the facts in the version of the prosecution?"
I racked my brain so hard that I could feel a migraine creeping its way into my system.
With the confidence that I was lacking, Freesia stood up, her spirits were unwavering despite the deadly and impatient scowl evident on Judge Corpuz's face.
"On the 16th of November, two thousand and one, at around 2:15 in the morning..." she started, as if she was reading something in the air. It took me Herculean effort to remember if I have overlooked the case last night. "... unfortunately Mijares died while undergoing treatment—"
"Mmm..." Judge Corpuz waved his hand, signaling her to stop. With his free hand, he scribbled her grade on the index card. Yun yung problema, 'di mo alam kung tama ba 'yung sagot mo. By the look on his face, he's either pleased or disappointed that you miss something, even the slightest details about the case. Kahit 'yung damit nung persons involved dapat tama.
The shuffling ringed in my ears, my heartbeat reverberating like a thousand thunderstorms all at once.
"Let's hear from Ms. Dos Santos,"
Putangina.
I clenched my fists so hard I swear that it left half-moon imprints on my palms. "What was the ruling of the Court of Appeals?"
I opened my mouth but my throat was dry. No matter how hard I forced the words out, my efforts seemed futile.
"So you decided to go to my class, unprepared?" He asked after a good minute of silence, his eyebrow arched and the scowl intensified.
Defeated, I shook my head apologetically. "I haven't read the case, sir."
"Ms. Dos Santos," The sound of my own name felt like shards of glass in the air, my lungs slowly inhaling them. "If you think subpar grades will send you to second year, then you better reconsider your life choices. Baka sinasayang mo lang oras ko at oras mo dito."
Learning can be that painful most of the time when you're in Law School. Nasanay na ako, pero grabe na 'yon. Tao lang din naman ako.
"Ms. Olivares," He called again. Freesia half stood, in the midst of seating and standing up. The confidence in her dissipated.
"Sir...?"
"Anong grade ba ang binibigay ko sa mga hindi nakakasagot?"
She looked at me and hesitated.
"...tres po, sir." The words came out like knives on her throat. She met my eyes and mouthed a 'sorry'. I wasn't planning to hold it against her. It was my own mistake I haven't studied effectively.
Judge Corpuz scribbled, looking pleased. I felt an itching on the back of my neck, their eyes trained on me. I couldn't fathom this whole situation. What a perfect way to ruin someone's day.
Another round of names were called and almost everyone in the class answered, accurately and some sufficiently, except me.
I looked out of the window, a faint rainbow stretched through the puffs of clouds, disappearing behind the tunnel of trees around the campus. I was hoping to see a familiar face, to make light of the situation.
Maybe, just maybe, he's out there.
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I FELT LIKE a card falling out of the deck. Second semester had just started and that wasn't the initial grade that I was aiming for.
"I'm sorry, Laurie." Freesia locked me in a tight embrace when we got out of the classroom. We walked under the dull lighting of SJU's pristine hallways, students striding past ahead.
"Sia... it's totally fine. It's my fault anyway. I overlooked the cases last week." I said. "Mababawi pa naman 'yun sa quizzes at prelims."
I sometimes think that Law school is a continuous cycle of trial and error. Sometimes you feel on top of your game, but still, you get to experience downfalls. It's like life, in general. But I convinced myself that a bad recit won't stop me from reaching my goals. There's more to life than a 3 in my index card.
"No it's not fine. Hindi ka okay. Ngayon ka lang nagka-bad recit. Grabe naman si Judge. Is there something I could do? I could hail you a cab or libre kita—"
"Hindi na kailangan." I flashed her a reassuring smile.
"Sige. Pero you won't stop me from buying your lunch next monday, ha?" She attempted to cheer me up, "Sige, una na ako. I have a shoot just around Mandaluyong, e." She kissed me on the cheek before she turned, disappeared into her Convertible, and drove until she was out of sight.
Natulala na lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal. Noticing that we have a few hours of daylight left, I fished my phone out and messaged Ice.
To Ice:
Where r u? Hindi ka ba umattend ng class niyo? I hope everything's fine. Just let me know if may problema ka, ha? :) ♡
"Laurie," a hand was placed onto my shoulder. The familiar accent in his voice sent me back to days earlier.
Remembering that the College of Medicine building was just a few strides from ours, I looked up at him. "Kit."
"Are you okay? Where's Ice?" He asked.
The Yankee cap was gone, making me notice his new Ivy League haircut. To say that his eyes were blue was like saying that the sun was yellow. Sufficient but not accurate to capture the burning.
His chiseled face was no longer hidden, suiting his toned body which he donned his expensive looking fitted sweater.
"Iniintay ko nga siya, e. I messaged him na, pero kahit seen, wala."
"Surprisingly, he didn't attend our classes today." he said, sitting beside me on the bench outside the Law and Business building.
Napasapo ako sa ulo ko. "I don't know how to feel about this,"
"Let me guess, bad recit? It's a thing even in med school, you know? Don't bawl your eyes out, please. Just think of every failure as another chance to learn better." Inabot niya sa 'kin ang kanyang panyo.
"Easier said than done," I said. "But thank you for the advice. I will keep that in mind." Why was he so nice kahit doon lang kami nag-usap? I can't imagine Ice hitting on someone that nice.
"It's not about the bad recit. Ice, he told me to wait for him, susunduin daw niya ako. Call me OA, pero he's leaving, nanghihinayang kasi ako sa bawat oras, kahit segundo na nasasayang—"
He hugged me as I cried onto his shoulder. "I can't even bring myself to count the remaining days with him. Alam ko sa sarili ko, mabibilang ko na lang sa kamay lahat. Natatakot ako... natatakot ako na baka hindi ko kaya,"
"Sorry," I fixed myself, embarrassed. "Ang drama ko. But I needed that. People think I'm a robot kasi, e."
He giggled. "Don't be. I know how hard it is. Believe me, been there, done that."
"Can I ask you something, if it's okay with you?" I faced him, the tears dried on my cheeks. "This has been bugging me for days. Nag-away ba kayo ni Ice? I know you two are best friends..."
"What? No. What makes you think of that?"
"Kasi when we met at the convenience store—"
"We just talked about things and made an... agreement," Kit heaved a heavy sigh.
"Agreement?"
"Hey," he was wearing a soft blue long sleeve which was folded up to his elbows, his glasses slightly askew. His musky scent filled the gap between us as he pulled me into his arms.
"She's here kanina pa, pare."
"What happened? Bad recit?"
I looked up at him. "I thought hindi ka na dadating. Where have you been?"
"I'm sorry." He planted a kiss on my forehead. "Inasikaso ko lang 'yung TOR ko sa registrar." He glanced at his watch. "We still have time, malapit lang naman 'yung pupuntahan natin."
Ice gave Kit a pat in the back and mouthed a 'thank you'. "Sige, I think this is my cue to leave. Ingat kayo, guys." He reached for his backpack and gave us a salutatory smile before he disappeared into the crowd of students waiting for the jeepneys.
Hinawakan ni Ice ang kamay ko until we reached the parking lot, in front of a silver pickup. Two mountain bikes were secured in the cargo bed.
"What happened to your Mercedes?" I asked.
"My brother borrowed it for an event. I asked him kung pwede hiramin 'yung bike niya and he agreed. Do you know how to ride a bike? I can teach you—"
"No need, I think marunong pa naman ako." I quickly assessed myself. The last time I rode a bike was when I went cutting classes with Freesia in college. "Saan ba tayo pupunta?"
"A place made just for us."
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HE WAS SURPRISINGLY quiet the whole ride. I couldn't bring myself to ask why. He seemed to have a myriad of things inside his head and the best thing I could do was to keep my mouth shut.
When we reached the intersection, the speakers blasted with the songs of LANY and Ben&Ben, mindlessly humming as I look past graying mountains behind the stretch of greenery.
I stole a quick glance at his direction, his eyebrows knitted, his gaze focused on the road. Seryoso naman. Funny how the tables have turned. Meron ata siya.
I couldn't stand the silence. "It's not illegal to speak, you know."
"Galit ka ba?"
"Hindi," he handed the toll fee at the lady in the window. "I'm just... a bit tired."
"Oh, bumalik na lang kaya tayo?" I was just starting to feel better and excited for our destination, kahit na hindi ko pa alam kung saan.
"No. I want to spend my time with you, Laurie. It's running short."
"I can drive," I offered. "Let's switch places so you can sleep at the passenger seat or at the backseat, kung gusto mo." I met his eyes. "I can use Google maps—"
"No." Pagtanggi niya. "I don't want to add up to your stress, please. You already had a bad day, Laurie."
"Well not anymore," I could stare at him for eternity.
His cheeks blushed. Malandi din talaga siya. "Stop, baka mabangga tayo."
We came to a halt at the side of an asphalt road— based on my Google Maps, we were somewhere in Batangas, where wild flowers grow and the grass were tall and tickling. A few patches of sand and the salty breeze indicated that the sea is not beyond our reach. A battered sign stood on the edge, slightly tilted to the right.
Welcome to Mayfield Lane
I went out of the car, following Ice who was busy unstrapping the bikes at the back.
"Here's the one for you," he carefully placed the black and much smaller one on the ground. "I can adjust the seat if it's too tall for you."
"Are you saying I'm short?" I crossed my arms against my chest, feigning indignation.
He saw through that and chuckled. "Wala akong sinabi na ganon."
"Wait, are you leaving your car here? Baka mawala."
"Yup. Don't worry, bikers lang ang madalas dumaan dito. I have the key with me, relax." He played with the key fob. He bit his lower lip and positioned himself like an experienced biker. A hot one.
Challenging me for a race, he pedaled past me, leaving gusts of wind. I followed suit and made him lead the way. I somehow managed to avoid a few puddles and cracks on the road until he disappeared down the curve.
The sun was nearly sinking down the horizon when I reached a small beach, a wooden dock stretched where the sand meets the waves. He said it was a secluded part, we had it all on our own.
Seabirds zoomed past above our heads and over the rock formations. The majestic view somehow reminded me of my laptop's default wallpaper. I took my phone out and got a few instagram worthy shots.
Ice stretched his hand for me. Hinila niya ako, as we go down the rocks. He crouched and patted his back. "Climb on my back,"
"What? No, pagod ka na."
He moved back and hauled me up, making me grasp his shoulders for my dear life. "Ibaba mo ako, Isaiah Carson Yangco Ramirez!"
He chuckled our way down the sand. "Kapag ako lang talaga nalaglag, kakalbuhin kita!"
A picnic blanket was laid out on the sand, underneath the plates and wine glasses.
"Ako nagluto," he smiled proudly. He pushed his glasses above his head, opened the tupperware container at nilagyan ng pasta ang plato ko. "Chicken Alfredo, credits to the kitchen vlogger I found online."
I twirled my fork and ate. Medyo maalat, but knowing that he made all of that just for me, I can't help but wish I could turn back time and repeat every single day with him.
"So, pasado ba?" He asked and wiggled his eyebrows playfully.
"In fairness," I said, "Pero next time, add more water or milk sa white sauce para hindi maalat."
"Sige, attorney slash chef. Wow, sana all! Noted po."
When we've finished eating, I stared down the infinite sea beyond us, thousand miles away was where he would stay. If he was on the other end of the earth, and if to swim across oceans would be the last resort, I would.
We listened to the waves hitting against the rocks. Trying my luck, I sidled up to him, cupping his face with my hands. Ever since the night he went drunk, my lips were itching for his, the thought of it made my nights sleepless.
"What are you doing?" He asked, a playful smile in the corner of his lips. God, I would kill for those salmon lips. It looked like it was well taken care of, untouched, and made just for mine.
I moved my head closer. He sat frozen, from either fear or excitement. I leaned in, my forehead rested against his. In the same moment, I closed my eyes, my breath shaking. "Thank you," I said in barely more than a whisper.
The sea breeze fiddled with my hair, shivers ran down my spine, the powder blue blazer wasn't enough to cover my cream dress.
"For what?" He replied, his voice low and husky.
"For everything." My voice wavered, exhilarated from the tension between us.
His warm honey gaze softened, setting my body on fire.
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to be continued...
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