I didn't know how I was going to get back to where my body was. I was in a space I didn't know how I got into so it was hard leaving this space. Even though it was bright and covered in daisies, I couldn't stay here any longer.
I am pretty sure this was a place that was supposed to consume me in all my negative emotions but I managed to kind of handle them. There is still some stuff I need to deal with but not right now.
'The creature that is made up of the souls of all the dead dark magic users probably have my body close to them. It would make sense since they are trying to make me join the other souls as well…' I was struggling to figure out how I could get out of this place I was in when I felt something hit the back of my head.
I turned around quickly, worried that there was something else in this place with me. But it was rather shocking when I just saw a paper airplane on the ground. I didn't think it was a good idea but I picked it up.
'Help me fly so you can find your way out of this place - Fox' When I opened up the plane I saw this message for me. It didn't make sense that Fox was trying to help me out, I shouldn't trust them but… I wanted to. This didn't make sense at all and it was probably dumb as hell. But I was always doing dumb shit so why does it matter if I keep making more mistakes?
I folded the paper back into a plane and threw it in front of me. As soon as this happened the airplane started to fly in a direction like it was heading toward something. It was rather strange as this airplane led me somewhere and I was wondering if someone was controlling it as well since it would often do tricks as it guided me.
As I kept walking through the space I was in, the daisies that were full of life started to slowly wilt. The bright light in the place was slowly getting darker and it felt difficult to keep walking. I could hear whispers slowly growing louder as I kept walking.
"This is your fault."
I wonder why? Father never bothered to tell me why it was my fault? I wonder if he didn't have an answer and just wanted to blame someone for what happened to mommy. I wonder why I always felt the need to apologize for her death? I just wanted him to stop looking at me with such cold eyes. I wanted him to love me like he loved my brother.
"Why were you born?"
I often wonder about that as well. I would love to think I was born out of love at first. I wonder where that love went after? Mommy always loved me but I wonder if there was something about me that no one else could love? Wait… That is a lie… There were people who could love me, who loved the fact I was born. It was only the people who hated me that wished I wasn't born. They were the ones I wanted to please so badly. I couldn't see anyone else.
"If you were to die, I wonder if anyone would miss you?"
These thoughts would always consume me during the night. I could never escape them at all. Aurelia, Alina… No matter who I was, these thoughts followed me. I couldn't see the point of life when I was hated so much. Death was always at the edge of my mind. Aurelia could never do it, she was too scared of being forgotten. Alina didn't give a damn, there was nothing left for her anymore.
"Love is given to people who earned it, not people who want it and beg for it like a child."
I wonder why I was told this? How does one earn love? That seems rather harsh to tell a child. Was it just an excuse for them to be cruel to me? No one wants to see themselves as bad people. They want to blame someone else. But I couldn't realize that, I could only blame myself for not being loveable. I was just focusing on the wrong people, people did love me. I was just scared of noticing them… What if I did something that made them hate me. It would crush me.
The whispers were getting louder and I kept on questioning so many things that happened to me. Was it my fault I was like this? Could I have done better? Maybe I did something to be treated the way I was…
But… How come there were people who cared about me as well? Was it something they saw in me that was perfect to them? I wasn't someone that seemed unlovable? I want to hope… That deep down, there is something about me that people can love.
"Stop it… Stop it… Stop it stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit! Give in already! Quit being so fucking difficult!" The whispers stopped but were replaced by a bunch of angry voices. The airplane in front of me shook because of it but didn't crash to the ground.
It seemed like I was getting closer to the creature since my thoughts were getting so… negative. I wonder if that is how all the other dark magic users felt as well, did they give in because of these thoughts of theirs?
I wonder if these are their thoughts? Are these my thoughts? I wonder when my thoughts became so negative? How did all the cruel words of people who hated me become my own? When was the last time my thoughts were truly my thoughts?
I wasn't always like this. I don't want to keep being like this. I want to change so badly. I want to be better and treat myself kinder! I don't need to focus on these negative thoughts anymore, they aren't mine!
I could feel a warmth spread throughout my chest and it seemed like the area around me was getting brighter as well. It was like the light was coming from me… It was strange but I didn't hate it at all. It was a rather nice feeling.
"Don't come any closer! Stay away! Why won't you stop?! It's all your fault! Leave us alone! We hate you! Stop it! We didn't want this!" I could hear different voices crying out to me and it was getting so loud that it was hard to think straight. But I didn't stop following the airplane in front of me.
After a while, the paper airplane disappeared and I knew I was finally near the creature. I could see a humanoid figure curl up into a ball. They were rocking themselves but stopped when they realized they weren't alone anymore.
"We told you to stay away from us! Why are you here?! You are such an idiot! Go away! LEAVE US ALONE!" When the creature raised its voice, I could feel myself being pushed back by some invisible force but I kept on moving forward.
The closer I got the more the creature tried to force me back. When I was finally close enough to them, I dropped to my knees and grabbed the creature's humanoid form by their shoulders. I couldn't see any type of expression on their face, it was completely blank. It only had two big black holes for eyes.
"I am sorry." That was all I said to the creature and even though I couldn't make out any expression on their face, I couldn't help but figure out they were shocked. The creature then started to struggle in my hold.
"You think saying sorry will make all your family mistakes disappear?! So dumb! Idiotic! Pathetic! I don't want an apology! I just want you guys to die!" The creature was hitting me but they didn't break out of my hold. I ignore them hitting me and put my forehead against theirs.
"I am sorry. I can't change what happened in the past but I can say sorry. I want to make things right so I am apologizing. It's not a lot but I do want to make things better." My eyes were open as I looked into the two black holes that were the creature's eyes. It felt like I was looking at a bunch of people but I wasn't feeling nervous or scared. I just knew they were angry, sad, scared, and alone.
"How about you come outside? This place you are currently in is rather depressing. I want to show you a world that isn't just filled with cruelty. We can learn this together." I took my forehead from the creature and stood up. I held out a hand to the creature and waited for them to take it.
This was a bad idea, I knew that. The creature could just attack me or something like that but I wanted to give them a chance. The creature was looking at my hand for a long time and they slowly raised a hand before placing it in mine.
I pulled at their hand and lifted them. They were rather short and had a child-like humanoid form. The creature's hand was trembling in my hand and I squeezed it in a comforting way.
"I don't trust you. I can't trust you… But… maybe it would be nice to change up my environment… If my mindset doesn't change at all then I will come back here." The creature told me this but I wasn't nervous about that at all. I gave them a smile before pulling them into my arms.
"If you still have all that hatred inside of you, then I will join you in this place. It would be better than just being alone with your thoughts. Let's try to find something good in this world. It will be a journey for both me and you." I was rubbing the creature back and I could feel them raising their arms to hug me back but stopped themselves.
Slowly they disappear from my arms and into me. I could feel so many different emotions appearing in me. Instead of reacting badly to this change, I slowly comforted all the new people who were now in my body.
The dark space I was in finally started to get brighter and I felt like I could finally leave this place. I felt a bit nervous going back to my body but I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. I want things to be better this time.
I couldn't keep avoiding problems because I am scared of the end results. I don't want to end up stuck in a place that is filled only with my bitter emotions and regrets. I don't want to end up like this creature who can only see the bad. I want to help them move past what my mom's family did to them in the past.