Tw - reference to suicide
My head was bowed, not in weariness but in defeat; my ears were ringing, my vision blurry with mental exhaustion. The ground beneath me offered an uncomfortable support to my scraped knees, as I slumped forward, doing everything I could not to fall on my face.
Kneeling was excruciating. How could the monks do it?
It had been a hundred years since I had last seen others, and I felt no need to, the silence soothing my throbbing temples, motioning my head to fall even deeper so I could sleep.
I wished to never wake again.
It had been a century since my fate had been decided by the roll of a presumptuous coin, its sides adorned with the floral patterns of spring. Flowers were such delicate things; much too delicate to be used on a symbol of death.
My mind had replayed that night countless of times – it was doing so now. My concentration, as always, grew tired of my straying, so it decided to fade altogether. I sighed and stood up, stretching my scarred flesh, yawning more with boredom than physical exhaustion. The candle I had placed in front of me flickered, casting short tendrils of scented smoke my way, tickling my nostrils until I coughed.
I snuffed its fire out and cast it aside for later use, then set about preparing dinner. Food was scarce in the cave I had made my shelter in, and my stomach rumbled with earthly desires. It longed for meat and carbs; it sought a more appropriate diet than what I was offering. A wooden plate awaited me, filled with colorful vegetables.
I hated vegetables, but it was all I could find without the need to actually hunt, an action which would deplete the little energy I had left to get through the day. People always believe being immortal must be entertaining, but they never stop to consider the implications of a young mind trapped in an aging body. Without proper feeding, I would soon find myself unable to even sit up and go about my boring chores, dusting the cave walls, praying, and meditating on my predicament and how I would find a way out of it.
I ate in silence – I always did. Nothing better to do.
My body sensed, even as I ate, that evening was approaching and it would soon be time to go to sleep, but my feet ached for a walk between the poplar trees. It was a full moon today, which meant there would be no villagers sneaking around in the forest – no one who could see me when I did not wish to be seen. I knew I shouldn't, but, in the end, there are things more powerful than our discipline, things we can never understand. Some call it fate, others call it destiny. To name it luck would be a gross understatement.
I like to call it...opportunity. Humans are forever searching for it, and yet few actually get to clutch it in their greedy hands. No one sees it, until it is too late.
I set the napkin on the ground, thanked the gods high and low for allowing me to eat and I stood up, smirking as the scrapes on my knees rubbed against each other. Then I exited the cave and inhaled the scent of the forest, smiling at the grey light the moon was casting. A petulant wind had emerged, and it frolicked with the trees, kissing the grass, and approaching me to play with my hair and my once-white shirt. I allowed it to caress my cheeks as I drew power from its chilly breeze.
Living in a cave meant I had learnt to embrace, and love, coldness. It was much more obedient than warmth, and I could always count on its presence.
Grass and gravel crunched beneath my feet as I made my way through the forest, letting my senses guide me, my fingers brushing against the tree trunks, ants desperate to pinch them before they left. Mosquitos buzzed beside my ear and feasted on my blood. I paid them little heed as I continued my journey, ears perked up, lest there be a stray person wandering the forest, just like me.
My foot hit a stump and I drew a sharp breath, fighting off a curse. Words were powerful – a lesson I had learned the hard way. My eyes watered and I engineered my way on the ground, rubbing my toes.
A ruffle of bush leaves let me know a night creature was feeding and it would be best if I returned to the safety of my cave. Or so I thought, for when I stood up, from between the trees emerged a child, dirty and pale, with tears streaks running down its face. In his hands, he clutched a toy bear riddled with mud and holes. He gaped at me as if I were a strange apparition and I gaped back.
Then he screamed, and, like any rational being would do, I shrieked too, my hands flying left and right, searching for a weapon, and finding only leaves.
"Stay away," I screamed, walking backward so I wouldn't lose sight of the child who was now crying and hugging the bear.
I turned my back on him and tried to run away; it ended up with one of my legs entangling in fallen vines, my body slamming against the ground. All the air fueling me whooshed out and I gasped.
A mortal body cannot sustain much pain and, alas, I had also stubbed my toe. Searing pain flashed inside my muscles, reverberating in my skull like the toll of a bell calling believers to the evening prayer.
I yelped and squirmed on the ground, trying to coax the stubborn vines into letting my foot escape.
"What are you doing?" the child was now beside me, still weeping, but seemingly less afraid now that I was incapacitated.
All I could do was groan and hope no one had heard us scream.
"Are you okay?" he put his ear next to the bear's mouth then looked at me. "Teddy thinks you're hurt. Are you hurt?"
"No, no, not at all," I stammered and struggled to stand up. Then, with no manners at all, "Who are you?"
He tilted his head and looked above me, following a dozen fireflies flying around us.
"Kid," I waved one of my hands, pleased when that got his attention. "Are you one of the villagers?"
My knees yelled at me when I managed to sit on them, level with the child's head. His pupils were as big as a fawn's and his lower lip quivered.
Was he lost?
Seeing that he did not answer my question, I probed further.
"Are you alone?"
He nodded.
"Where are your parents?"
He shrugged.
"Do you have a name?"
Another shrug from him, and an exasperated sigh from me.
I stood up and dusted myself off. The thing with children is that, when faced with strangers, they clamp up like an oyster. Good luck opening their mouths without getting bitten.
"What are those?" he pointed to the fireflies, snot dripping out of his nose.
I had to admit, it was a cute little thing, kind of like a button.
"Fireflies."
"Fire?" his eyes lit up so suddenly I took a step backward.
It was unnatural for a child so small to know fire and look mortified – his eyes were brimming with tears and, in an attempt to hold them back, he was biting his lip so hard, blood dripped on his chin.
"Hey," I crooned and kneeled again, ignoring the flash of pain. "It's okay, their fire is locked in their stomach. That's why they light up at night."
I wiped away the blood with my sleeve and pat him on the head. I used to do that with a wolf cub too before it tried to gorge on my arm.
He didn't look convinced.
"Teddy doesn't seem afraid," I pointed to the plush bear.
"He's dead," the kid stated so matter-of-factly I almost choked on my own saliva. "Of course he's not afraid."
I pursed my lips and looked at the sky.
First I was cursed to live an eternal life and now this. In what world would a child so young already be familiar with the concept of death?
"Where are you going?" he asked me when I stood up.
"You couldn't possibly understand why that question doesn't matter at all," I replied, already making my way back to the cave.
This child was someone else's problem. The villagers would find him in the morning and would make sure he will be looked after. They were nice people, much better than me.
Much, much better.
But the kid had a different idea.
"Can I come?"
I shook my head and fought his grasp as he tried to grab my hand.
"No."
"Why?"
"I live alone. I like my loneliness. No people to bother me and rack my brain."
"Why?"
"In a cave. Damp, dark, and deep, the place little children run away from."
That got his attention for a split second, then I lost him again. "Why?"
"I am a rude person, unable to adapt to the current society. I am also pretentious and have a tight routine, which you are now impeding. It's a long story, really."
"Why?"
"Would you please stop asking why no matter what I say?"
He bit his lower lip and hesitated just before asking, "Why?"
That was the moment when, after a hundred years of silence and peace, I felt the distinct need to punch a tree.
"Please," he extended the bear in front of him. "You can have Teddy."
I glared at the bear and asked, "Why would I want Teddy? He's useless, really."
He smiled and I scowled. "You just asked why."
"Drop the attitude, it's not cute."
He smirked and trod before me. I rolled my eyes and did my best to ignore him, but it was hard when he was walking right in front of me.
So instead I found myself looking at the starry sky, wondering what merciless gods had concocted this new curse. As if living an immortal life wasn't enough, now there was a child roaming my forest. And he had no idea who he was or where his family was.
He had to go back, wherever "back" was.
"Why?"
My hand flew towards the back of his head and hovered a few millimeters away. I had never hit a child before.
It wasn't something I would be proud of doing.
"What are you doing?" he turned around and recoiled from my hand. He screamed and dropped Teddy on the ground, trying to run away from me.
I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into a hug.
"I'm sorry," I crooned. "I told you I'm mean."
"Let go of me" he howled inside my chest before the sobs overpowered him.
I let him cry. How could I not when my chest tightened, and my heart pulsed with his own.
Then – like any normal adult would do – I took him home. I fed him. I bathed him. We prayed together. He sneaked inside my bed that night and cuddled beside me.
"How do you feel about Lance?" I whispered and he nodded, already asleep.
I did not wish to live alone anymore.