"So, what's up with you?" Chaewon asked, stepping out of the building they were all staying in to see Risále sitting on the steps to the house, looking up at the open night sky, "You're definitely not doing so well since you got here."
Risále sighed, "Yeah, well, I'm beginning to find out a lot of things about myself that I'm really not liking."
"Oh, boy," Chaewon sighed, sitting down on the stairs next to her, "Yeah, I really do feel you on that one. From one scientist used by the White Lotus to another, it's a lot to come to terms with. And it's so much more difficult to forgive yourself for everything you've done."
Risále turned to look at her, "How did you learn to forgive yourself?"
Chaewon was silent for a moment before replying quietly, "...I never said I learned how to do it myself. Just that it's difficult."
"Do you know anyone who managed?"
"...Nope."
Risále leaned back on her hands, "Leon takes it really hard as well, doesn't he? He seems to think that he's the only one who can protect us all, and when something goes wrong, he blames himself."
Chaewon hummed, "It's sad. I see so much of myself in him and I feel miserable, I can't even imagine how bad he must feel. Honestly…He's much less at fault than I was," She looked up at the sky, "He was a child. He had no choice but to do what he had to and keep himself safe and alive."
"What…If it's okay, then, how exactly…Did you get involved with the White Lotus? Maybe if I hear your story…" Risále looked down, "Maybe I'll start to remember mine."
"If it'll help you remember…" Chaewon bit her lip, "Then it's worth trying," She looked away from Risále and sighed, "I'll start from the beginning, I suppose. It all started with our deadbeat parents. They were never really around, always jetting off to somewhere new and never coming back home to check on their children. This meant that at the age of twelve, I basically began to raise Leon."
Risále looked surprised, "At thirteen? I assumed you guys didn't have a good relationship with your parents but I didn't think…"
Chaewon huffed, "Yeah, don't give them any credit. I basically became a teenage mom at that point, I was the closest thing to a mother figure he had. Elliot and I had been best friends since around the time Leon was three, and I was really lucky," She looked down, smiling softly, "He basically took it upon himself to help me in raising Leon, and somehow, he became Leon's father figure. And eventually along the way…"
"You both fell in love?" Risále asked, grinning, "How romantic, raising a child together and accidentally falling in love."
"I don't think I could have not fallen in love with him. He basically saved my life, Leon was my everything, and he helped me raise him. It wasn't even a certain moment…I just kind of realized I'd been in love with him all along. Somewhere along the way, he went from being just my 'best friend' to being 'my best friend that I was in love with'," Chaewon said softly.
Risále was quiet for a moment, "Best friend to the best friend you were in love with, huh?" She asked, mostly to herself.
Chaewon's smile turned mischievous, "I suppose you certainly understand, don't you?"
"What—Oh, fuck it, I guess you already know, then," Risále muttered, "Yeah, I've got a crush on your little brother."
"And you think he doesn't like you back, hm? I know how the story goes," Chaewon sighed dramatically, "I guess it might help convince you that you're wrong, but when he was little, he used to talk about you all the time."
Risále looked surprised, "Huh? He knew me when he was little? I mean, I know we knew each other in the gifted children's program but that was when we were ten, after you and Elliot got separated from him…"
"Oh, he knew you then, yes, but he had met you much earlier than that. It took me a while to put it together but with the whole Sector 4 announcement...I remember that you were there as well," Chaewon explained, "You two used to play when you were kids…Though I only ever met you once. I suppose that someone sent you to Sector 3 at the same time as I sent Leon, and you both found each other again in the Sector 3 White Lotus branch when you were ten, though it took you a while to find each other."
"Do you remember anything about me? If I had any family? Parents? Was there any sort of clue as to why I was there?" Risále asked, almost desperately.
Chaewon looked at her apologetically, "I'm really sorry. Honestly, I really didn't know why you were there either. If you had relatives in the White Lotus, neither Elliot nor I were aware of it. If you had any relatives, it would have been Leon who knew."
Risále sighed, "And Hyunwoo said that he didn't know either and that Leon never mentioned me having any relatives or anything either."
The older woman hummed, "Have you asked Leon directly? I mean, Hyunwoo and Leon have been together for a while, yes, but you and Hyunwoo weren't really that close back then from what I understand. Maybe Leon does know, and it just never came up in any conversations between them?"
"...You're right, I should ask him," Risále said, "But honestly?" She stared off into the distance, towards the rocky, dry, desolate land in front of them, "I'm a bit scared to know the answer. I'm finding out a lot of things I'm not sure I want to know about."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Well, as long as you don't judge me for it. Honestly, you and Elliot deserve to know."
Chaewon spread her hands, "This is a judgment-free zone, kid. Besides, I doubt I'd have the right to say anything anyway."
"Kid?" Risále asked, amused,
"I'm thirteen years older than you, I can call you kid if I want to. I call Leon a kid."
"Yeah, but you raised him. That's different."
"I also call Hyunwoo a kid as well."
"Yeah, but he's—Well, Leon and him."
Chaewon interrupted her, "And I'm calling you a kid as well. I also call Bella a kid. Are you getting the hint."
"...We're getting off-topic," Risále switched immediately, "Do you want to know what happened or not?"
Chaewon laughed, "Alright, alright. Go ahead."
Risále sighed, "...Apocalypse was wondering why Sector 4 had been wiped from everyone's memory and well…I don't know how I remembered but I…knew. It was a gas that induced amnesia, and it was spread through the vents of homes which eventually made their way outside. And, of course, the reason I know this is because I happened to be the person who made the fucking amnesiac."
"Oh. That's…Quite a lot to digest. Are you doing alright?"
"Well, I'm trying to digest it as quick as I can," Risále responded, "But now I can't help but think about…What else I might have done that was that horrific? What else have I done that I just don't remember? Is it a mercy or is it a curse?"
Chaewon looked down, "...It's both. In a sense, there's a kindness to not remembering your crimes. But there still comes the guilt for not paying the price for what we did….My work has hurt many people but there's…A few whom I truly and entirely blame myself for. There was this one woman, she…I don't entirely remember why she was there but…Even in such a terrible place, she always made my day," She smiled, almost sadly, "She was so…out of place. She didn't belong there, not really. But she always used to check on Elliot and me, make sure we weren't overworking ourselves. Sometimes she'd bring us food or coffee and yell at us in Spanish if we weren't taking care of ourselves."
Risále felt Apocalypse stir for a moment, but the woman seemed hesitant to say anything. She just decided to continue listening to Chaewon.
"And then, of course, everything went wrong," The blonde looked pained as she spoke the next few sentences, "They…I refused to do something for the White Lotus. Something they needed me to do. When I said no, they decided to take action to punish me. Either her…Or Leon. I wish I could say it was difficult to make the choice but…"
"You raised him," Risále said quietly, "Of course, you would choose him. It makes sense, Chaewon."
Chaewon sighed, "But by doing so, I basically sent her to her death…I'm assuming she's dead. After that day, we never saw her again. It was my fault, my choosing Leon over her meant that I killed her. And I…I will never stop regretting it. I will never regret choosing Leon. But I regret not doing more to protect her. She wasn't part of the White Lotus, she had nothing to do with all this. Just by associating with me, it got her killed."
"You had no choice," Risále whispered, "There was nothing you could have done."
Chaewon smiled sadly, "Well, it's the same way for you. You had no choice. You had to make that poison, you had no idea it would wipe the population's memory of an entire Sector, and make them forget Apocalypse."
Risále was quiet, "I…Suppose you're right."
"I know I am. You're not the first one I've had this conversation with."
They both sat in silence for a moment before Risále spoke again, "What…Was that girl's name?"
Chaewon leaned back, laying down on the wooden deck behind her as she let out a sigh, "I've tried to remember her name for so long, but…" She shook her head, "It's no use, it's as if I've never known it. I really can't remember."
Risále laughed, "Now you know how it feels."
The other woman laughed along with her, before standing up, "Come on, get some sleep. If you stay up too late, then you're just going to keep overthinking, and we know how that can get sometimes."
"You go ahead, I'll be inside in a couple of minutes, alright?" Risále said, and the older woman nodded, waving to her as she walked away.
As soon as Chaewon was out of earshot, Risále was immediately ready to start talking.
The woman who Chaewon got killed. It was you, wasn't it? (R)
…Yes. (A)
But how? You were the queen, how could she not know you were the queen? How could a queen get put in a situation where Chaewon would have to choose between you and her brother? And you said your whole government was White Lotus, what did she mean when she said you weren't involved with any of that? It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. What's going on? (R)
You know the answer to that. (A)
…You can't tell me, can you? (R)
You're getting closer to the truth. You'll find out soon enough. (A)
I sure hope so. Something is going on and I certainly don't like being left out when there's a huge secret. (R)