"Can we talk?"
Xander turned to see Kaedan leaning on the wall, arms crossed. He sighed as he caught the look in his husband's eye, and knew he wasn't getting out of this conversation. Putting the shuttle on autopilot, he turned in the seat, facing him.
"Alright, let's talk," He said, raising an eyebrow, "What do you want to talk about? The fact that your only other older sibling figure and one of my only other best friends is dead and it might be my fault?"
"Well, I would have put it more gently but…Yeah. We should talk about that. And also, it was not your fault and you know it. If anything, it's my fault, and if not, both of our fault. I should have tried harder to convince them to not join the rebellion," Kaedan said, approaching him and leaning his back against the wall, his body entirely facing Xander.
The older man sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Okay, what do you want me to say, Kaedan?"
"How you really feel. I've known you for, what, six years? I even married you, remember?" Kaedan raised an eyebrow.
Xander smiled a bit, "How could I forget?" He asked, softly, and Kaedan reached his hand out, cupping the side of Xander's face.
"I would hope you didn't," Kaedan grinned, but it faded lightly, "But I've known you for so long, I know you so well. Obviously, I know when you have your walls up. It's just me, love. It's just me. I won't hurt you. Never again."
"I know you won't. It's just…I'm still getting used to this whole…Being vulnerable thing," Xander sighed, "I love you, I married you, I don't think you're going to hurt me."
Kaedan gently played with Xander's hair, "Then tell me how you're feeling right now, hm?"
Xander took a deep breath, "...I feel…It's hard to describe. Just…Dull? I think I honestly cried it out when I saw their body. I just…How many more people are we going to lose, Kaedan? It's getting closer and closer to our circle as well. What…What happens if God forbid, one of us dies?"
"Don't…We can't think like that," Kaedan said, taking a deep breath, "There was always a chance, we know this. Even if we never talked about it, we always knew there was a chance one of us could die."
"We almost lost Nia and Val," Xander whispered, "How are we supposed to handle something like that again? Especially with a plan like this, where we're split up? And thinking about it more, our group of the two is probably going to have to split up again. How are we supposed to make sure everyone is alright?"
Kaedan bit his lip, "God, it hurts me to say this but…I don't think we can. All we can do is hope that everything goes right and that Leon and Apocalypse know what they're leading us into."
Xander leaned back, sighing, "...How did we get here? Was there a way for us to not end up here?"
"I don't think this was ever avoidable. You know it, too," Kaedan said, "Every choice we have ever made has always led us here. Maybe, if the White Lotus didn't exist, things would be different. But as long as they exist, no choice we make will matter. They will never let us go."
"In another life," Xander started, "If the White Lotus never got to us. If they never existed. Do you think we would have been happy together?"
Kaedan let out a breath before moving forward and sitting on Xander's lap, cupping his face, "I'd like to think we would have. But you have to acknowledge that we only met because you were the only White Lotus member Wyran knew and trusted to help me. Maybe in another life, we met differently. Maybe in another life, we never met at all. But we don't have the option to think about another life, not now. We're stuck in this one. And even if it's not easy," Kaedan pressed a kiss to Xander's forehead, "I'm still happy now, with you."
Xander rested his forehead on Kaedan's shoulder, "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy as well, but…I can't help but think about what our life would be like if things were different."
"Well, it certainly would be more boring," Kaedan snorted.
Xander hummed, "Okay, we talked about me. Now, how are you feeling? Don't look at me like that, you started this."
Kaedan glared at him before his eyes softened, and he tucked his chin over his husband's shoulder, "...Scared."
"Scared?" Xander raised an eyebrow, "I…Wasn't expecting that."
"It's…Complicated. I've already lost two older sibling figures and…I don't know, it just makes me anxious. Worried. Scared," Kaedan said.
Xander's eyes widened in realization, "Oh. You're not scared about all of this in general. You're scared for Owen, aren't you?"
Kaedan sighed, "I just got him back, Xander, and he only just found out he has an actual family. More than anything, I'm terrified he's going to have to go through losing me, and don't even start with how scared I am of losing him. I…Thought that it would be easier since we didn't even grow up together. But being apart from him is terrifying."
Xander hummed, stroking Kaedan's back, "It makes sense in a way, though," He responded, "After you two realized you're siblings, you haven't been separated like this. It's probably why I don't feel that feeling as intensely when it comes to Lumina, we grew up together, which means we're used to being apart from each other, and for long periods of time. It means I've had to grow and learn to trust her to be on her own, But you haven't had that with Owen, which makes you much more afraid of losing him."
"He's going into a dangerous place, Xander, all of them are," Kaedan whispered, "I don't want to hear that I've lost another sibling. It's happened all too many times, and I can't have it happen again. And God forbid something happens to me…I know what it's like having to hear about the death of your older sibling from someone else when you couldn't even be there, when you didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't want him to go through what I did."
Xander leaned back and cupped Kaedan's face in his hand, and Kaedan pressed his own hand on top of Xander's, "Well, firstly, don't lose faith in the rest of the team. Lumina, Mina, Bella, Leon, and Fenix will do everything they can to make sure they all come back in one piece. And as for you," He tipped Kaedan's chin up as he pressed a kiss to the base of his throat, "Don't think I'd let you die so quickly. After all, I plan for us to have a long married life ahead of us."
"Oh, do you now?" Kaedan pulled back, raising an eyebrow, "You know this means you can't throw yourself into a dangerous situation to protect me, right? Because we can't exactly have a long married life together if you're dead."
"What if I become a ghost?"
"I will slap you back to life, that's what will happen."
"Alright, no dying for me," Xander laughed nervously, "I will be sure to try and keep myself alive in the process of keeping everyone else alive."
Kaedan rolled his eyes, "Besides, I get the feeling that a certain someone will send you straight back to the living if you did become a ghost like her."
Xander sighed, "Kaedan, did you ever meet her? Before she became a ghost, I mean? And…Well, you know what I really mean by that."
The other man shook his head, "No, I was brought into the situation later than you. It was after Chaewon and Elliot left the White Lotus. They're the reason you know about her, so since I never met them there…"
"...You never knew about her either," Xander sighed.
"Although," Kaedan said slowly, "I'm not blind, or stupid. Chaewon and Elliot, they were involved with her much more than Apocalypse is willing to admit, weren't they?"
Xander seemed to be considering whether he should answer that or not, but in the end decided it would be better not to hide things from his husband and nodded.
"But Elliot and Chae don't remember her, do they?"
Another nod.
"But she doesn't want them to remember."
"I mean, it does make sense?" Xander shrugged, "Remember what she said about…How she died. No wonder, if they were together and then happened to find out that she was…Well, she was murdered by her government, which Elliot and Chae were a part of. They would have blamed themselves entirely. If something like that happened to me, I don't think I'd want you to know about it either."
Kaedan glared at him, "Maybe you didn't die, but you have been mentally torturing yourself for six years without telling me. Needless to say, I think you don't have any right to say anything."
Xander chuckled, "Actually, Apocalypse said the exact same thing to me at the wedding."
"As she should," Kaedan said, crossing his arms, "I feel a kinship with Elliot and Chaewon. If I were them, I'd probably want to know too. Especially since it doesn't seem like they've entirely forgotten."
There was a knock on the closed door, "Are you guys decent?" Risále yelled in, "You better be decent, I'm coming inside!" Kaedan sighed and slipped off of Xander's lap, leaning against the wall as Risále walked into the room, an eyebrow raised, "I'm surprised, I thought you'd be sucking each other's faces off."
"Well, you certainly deserve it after I walked in on you and Bella a couple of weeks ago," Kaedan shot back, "Congratulations, by the way."
"Why is everyone congratulating me, we haven't even talked about—" Risále seemed to sigh, rubbing her forehead, "Forget it. Apocalypse wanted to talk to you guys really quick, that's why I'm here. So."
A couple of seconds passed and she stumbled a bit, her eyes rolling back into her head for a moment before clearing up again, this time, the familiar scarlet of Apocalypse's red eyes, "...Does he know who I am?" She asked, tilting her head at Kaedan.
"He has a good enough idea," Xander responded, taking Kaedan's hand and squeezing it lightly.
Apocalypse sighed, "I just…Wanted to thank you for not telling Chae and Elliot. I don't think anyone else has really figured it out like Kaedan or has the background information like you do, Xander."
"...You really should tell them," Kaedan said softly, "Trust me. Eventually, they will find out, and it's going to be unbelievably painful for them to find out in a way that wasn't you directly telling them."
The woman shook her head, "I can't. I know what you're thinking. But if I tell them the whole truth, it will break them."
"The whole truth?" Xander asked.
"I've given them the somewhat family-friendly version of events—"
Kaedan interrupted, "I'm sorry, the family-friendly version was you getting Julius Caesered—Yes, I overheard that conversation, sorry, I didn't mean to."
"I'm sorry, you got what—"
Apocalypse put her hands up, "Not the point! I mean, you can imagine if that was the family-friendly version, then what actually happened…Trust me when I say, they wouldn't recover. And Leon cannot know about it either. The boy blames himself for everything, even if it has nothing to do with him."
"What…Actually happened?" Kaedan asked slowly.
But Apocalypse just shook her head, "Not today," She said tiredly, "I can't do that today. Just…Thanks for not telling them."
"Yeah, sure," Xander said, deciding it would be better to let go of the topic for now, "You…Should get some rest. Or, Risále should get some rest."
"Yeah. I'll see you guys later. Let me know when we reach the base."