I was 15 when I first saw him. It wasn't his brown eyes or lush brown hair or his snow-white skin that immediately enchanted me. His smile, the kind of smile that makes the withered rose bloom again, makes the crying baby immediately laugh, causing those sweet laughing pits to sit on his face.
I fell in love immediately, honestly and helplessly.
Of course, I didn't had a chance. I was a very average bookworm, a good student, but not at all desirable from the point of view of the other sex. Since he was 2 years older, I was basically at a disadvantage compared to his "more advanced" classmates.
When I brought up the possibility of contact lenses in front of my parents instead of the rude glasses they had taken 5 years ago, they laughed and told me to take it for myself. My pocket money accumulated over the years was gone in a week, even though I only bought a couple of new clothes and shoes… I went to the hairdresser and beautician… so whoever saw The Princess diaries, knows what a transformation I am talking about. Of course, I didn't become a beauty queen, but the boys were already in the "one night stand" category. Since the new style proved to be quite expensive, I put my head on part-time work, which was also reflected in my study average. I didn't become such a bad student, but the teachers immediately noticed that pair of B grades.
Of course, these many sacrifices were all worth it so I could be around him. I was there at every football game, I lit a cigarette in every break, so sometimes I could ask him for a fire ... and in less than 2 years I made him remember my name.
"Hanna, there's graduation tomorrow… then who will you ask for fire?"
That certain smile sat on his face. He knew I was in love with him to the ear, since everyone knew, it was an open secret at school that this stupid little girl was to scramble after the captain of the football team.
"Legitimate."
Indeed, after that I will have no chance to see him… two years of cheeky pushing, pride, self-esteem aside… for nothing .
"I'm afraid you have to give me your lighter, Kevin."
Leave me at least that much.
I held out my palm and as I tried to hold back my tears, I looked into his eyes giving no chance for rejection.
"Be good."
The metal falcon head-shaped lighter landed in my hand and its old owner walked away.
My tears flowed. The love of my life simply walked out of my life ... is this even a life? I didn't want to get out of bed without Kevin. Sure, now that I'm thinking back all those feelings were, ultimately due to the adolescent hormone overload ... but back when I was 17 years old that sent me to the floor. By the end of the summer, the information came on a hot wire, which university had accepted him. As he remained in the capital, I saw a shone with hope that he might be my university senior, since the educational institution he got in, not only have the IT faculty that Kevin chose, but also starting the event organizer major, what has always been my dream.
I studied over the last year as obsessed, because I could only get into event organization with perfect scores. Kevin has several girlfriends in high school, who cares if he tries out a couple of women in college ... the only thing that mattered is him ending up with me.
"I don't want to be first, but I'll be the last!"
That's what I told myself.
When the letter came in which my name, Hanna Pataki, and the phrase "won" were in one sentence, I was so happy that i thought my heart would jump out of my chest.
When the semester finally started, I was looking excitedly for Kevin's face every break. It took me a week to finally find him. He was standing in the yard, under a huge tree, with two other students, groping the usual red Marbolo, and going through his pockets searching for fire.
He changed nothing in that one year I didn't saw him. Maybe he got a little more muscular and taller, but that only made me sink even deeper into the quicksand of love.
I walked over and held out that certain falcon head from which the fire ignited. At first his eyes widened as he recognized the farewell gift, then he lit a cigarette and smoked a lot of it. The nauseating smoke he blew at me revealed the adored dimples with its fading, but his smile was somehow different. So far there was always a little distance in it, but now I felt something different…
„Hanna. „
My name as he left his mouth was as if the sweetest honey was dripping into my ear. Bewitched.
„Hi, Kevin."
„Did you miss me?"
He asked the question, to which he knew exactly the answer.
„Yes, but you already know that."
He grinned smugly, and I loved even that in him.
„Thank you for the fire."
He sucked the last sluck as well. He pressed the cigarette, then looked at me.
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Ha?"
It was a sentence I didn't even dare to imagine in my wildest dreams.
„What?"
"Hahaha…,"
He laughed, immediately noticing that I was so embarrassed, I don't even know I'm a boy or a girl.
„ Let's watch a movie, I'll pay."
He said.
- O ... okay ...
- I'll be waiting at the fountain in the plaza at 7.
- All right.
And he walked away. I stood there like a piece of wood… after a while I started pinching myself because I didn't want to believe that, what was happening to me was true, but the stings hurt a lot so I put up with it. Many years of work is finally paying off!
After my last lesson, I ran home like crazy. I still had to have my hairs removed, my long brown hair washed, ironed for an hour. I had to choose the right clothes and makeup that would highlight my navy blue eyes. This is a date, boy-girl-cinema can only be a date!
Eventually I just got to the mall in time. Running in high heels was quite a painful experience, but I had to bear with it, since it was perfect with my dark blue dropped shoulders dress. I bought this dress specifically for this occasion. Being made of a very thin fabric, it snug perfectly to my body and the high heel highlighted my round butt, and the cutout on my back… if this don't take him off his feet, then nothing.
Of course he was late. 10 minutes, but who cared about those 10 minutes? When he showed up in the crowd I felt like time stopped.
„You are pretty."
He said with a smile.
„Thank you."
I scratched the base of my ear while blushing.
„ Can we go?"
„Of course."
After the film, the phrase that sealed my next 14 years left his mouth.
"I'm not in love with you. If that feeling hasn't developed so far, it probably never will, but I like you and I feel good with you. So with that in mind, if you want, we can go on, if you don't want to, then I can understand it."
He said. Cruelessly, honestly.
Of course, I never said no because I trusted that if he got to know me better he would end up loving me.
The date continued in a hotel room. Yes, I became ín easy lady… my first time, I sacrificed for Kevin without thinking. When only one lamp was burning in the room and he started approaching me as he took off his T-shirt… untied his belt, all I could hear was my heart pounding. At last, all my dreams come true… finally, I can be with my love. Of course, I suddenly didn't even know how to take off my clothes, I was so amateurish that I also forgot how to kiss, even though I even watched an instructional clip about it. Of course, Kevin knew exactly how to touch me… every move proved the experience.
"How many women did he slept with before me?" - this dark thought showed up in my head, but I soon let it go… since what matters is the last, who has to be me.
Maybe if I had known I was losing my virginity that day… I could have been a little better prepared, but unfortunately back then I couldn't concentrate on anything else but the pain of penetration. I did not say anything. I bit off the shout because I could see how much he was enjoying it, but for me, every intrusion was a knife stab. When he finished and went out to the bathroom to take a shower, I wiped off a few tears with the pillow.
„ I heard that the first time is painful… but this much? This is awful! Will each one hurt so much?"
Back then, at the age of 18, I panicked… later I realized that Kevin just couldn't get me excited and entered when i was still dry down there. Luckily later I remedied this mistake for myself. But there and then I didn't really long for a second run, so when I saw the hardening penis again, I also tried oral sex for the first time.
From that day on, Kevin took me to his place on a regular basis. Her parents had died a long time ago, he was raised by his grandmother, who could no longer really move. So she mostly sat in her room or on the terrace watching the bustling cars on the street. After the horrible first time, the first thing i has to do the next day was figuring out the cause of the negative experience. Then I insisted on foreplay and in just two weeks, I had a way to make sex enjoyable for me as well.
This is how the first two months of our relationship was like. We met a couple of times a week for a few hours, which we spent making love all the time because he claimed he couldn't get enough of my body. And I was happy to be with him. Over time, I produced more and more strange symptoms, nausea, dizziness, fatigue. Mom sent me to the family doctor, who immediately suspected I was pregnant. It was then that my already not very regular menses hadn't come for a long time, so I immediately rushed to the pharmacy.
I remember I could barely sleep that night. I had my hand on my stomach all along, I was so excited. Even though I was only 18, I felt like I would be a great mother to our child with Kevin… if I was pregnant, it might have been the will of fate that the two of us… I didn't even think that Kevin might not want the baby. I used the test at 5 a.m. since the first urine in the morning is the most effective. There were two lines, the most beautiful two lines in front of me. I was so happy I had to put my hand on my mouth so I wouldn't wake my parents with my screaming.
I went to Kevin right after school that day to tell him the good news. Luckily for me, or not… his grandmother was sitting right on the terrace when he cried out in his room, with an open window.
„You're pregnant?!"
„ Yes."
I was perfectly happy, but the adored smile did not appeared on his face. After a relatively long pause, he finally spoke.
„ I ..."
But then his grandmother rolled through the door with a stick in one hand. She hit Kevin hard on his back.
WWhat did you ungrateful kid do? Did you got a little girl pregnant ?! Maybe I raised you for that ?!"
„Granny… wait… I'll explain!"
I, of course, burst into tears immediately, the puffing only ceased when I stood in front of Kevin like a shield.
„Take responsibility! Ask the girl's hand from her parents and move here."
She rolled out on her wheelchair.
Of course, my father immediately hit him out when we told him what had happened, and my mother immediately fainted. No one expected me „to take the bait".
Since we were both still in school and time was running out, it was just a two-witness wedding with a small family circle, although I only had a cheap white dress and no picture taken by a professional photographer, for me it was still the most beautiful day of my life.
The tense relationship only ended when the twins were born. Alex and Adrian. It was a hell of a birth. It started at week 36, after a brutally long labor, I finally had to have surgery. I lost a lot of blood and my body didn't respond to the anesthesia as it should have. Of course it was worth it because I became the mother of two beautiful little boys… but I never want to give birth again. The first one year with the twins was still inhumane anyway, even though Kevin's grandma paid some attention to them and my parents came over regularly to help us, or rather just to play with the babies. In any case, during this time, I realized that it is possible to exist with 4 hours of sleep a day, even though these four hours do not necessarily take place in parallel. Kevin did not interrupt his studies as he had to finish university as soon as possible and find a job. I missed half a year, and then ended up in correspondence school.
We were very lucky because my husband got a programming job at a very reputable foreign company that almost had to be done in a home office, he had to go into the office once a month for a day, so I could comfortably prepare for my own exams.
God was very kind to me when I was able to spend my internship at one of the largest electricity providers in the country as an event organizer. This position went extinct, which started as a starting salary from HUF 300,000 at that time. To my luck and the misfortune of my predecessor, who had an accident just before a very big event, the company offered that if I successfully finish organizing and running the event, they would hire me for a full job. I was flawless. Of course, keeping such a job involved sacrifices. Although Kevin was well-earned, his salary was only a fraction of mine… so he raised the kids while I worked at night, day, and on weekends to have it all. And I had it all.
First a nice big family house not far from my parents, in one of the suburbs of the capital. Then two nice cars, TVs, laptops, xbox, PS, mobile and everything what the boys asked for. We have been married for 14 years. For the first 7 years, I always feared that I had taken away the opportunity for happiness from Kevin's true love, so I was afraid to immerse myself in the awareness that we would be together forever now. I thought it would be what it will be, I will never regret any of my decisions. But a certain 7 years had passed and we were still married, we still made love every night we spent together and I still loved him insanely.
I am 32 years old now.
Unemployed, divorced, I live in my parents' house without my children. And yes, I regretted… everything.
I wish I could start all over again.