My grandmother, as old and knowledgeable as she is, has always been keen on giving me her two cents. It is always her I run to whether I need to breathe out all the negativity that I come to face with. Whether it be about a broken leg, or a broken heart, or just me plainly whining about the little things, she always somehow manages to make me feel better. Out of all the advice I got from her, one thing stood out the most for me.
It was somewhere along the lines of keeping my head up high, but to never let my feet off the ground.
She was a firm believer that one should always stay grounded. My grandmother has never let the wealth get in her head, that's why I look up to her so much. I really didn't understand why she always reminds me about staying humble, but I'm guessing it has something to do with my grandfather. She told me before that greed was the cause of my grandfather's death. Up to this day, I'm still oblivious of the details of his death. Grandma never told me, and my father refused to talk to me about it. It was a silent agreement between the two to never talk about said topic, and with all my failed attempts, I decided to let it go.
I never really understood grandma before, or how her words mean so much, but when I remember what Sehun told me, how he said that I was tied to him because of my own family, I started getting doubts. Right this very moment, my head is swimming with questions.
How did my grandfather die? I cannot see the connection. I don't understand anything anymore. I keep asking myself if his death somehow connects to Sehun. If it somehow connects to me?
No matter how many times I think about the situation, it always comes back to one thing.
My family.
What has my family got to do with this?
I don't know if there will ever come a time when things will spiral out of its tedious patterns and show me it's truth. All I know right now is that I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed by my own family.
I wish I could just ask Sehun. I want to ask him. I want to talk to him, but how can I, when he is nowhere in sight?
It has been three days after our last encounter, and god forbid, but I am missing him so terribly. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way towards him, when he has hurt me countless times, in more ways than one. He took my body by force, claimed me like he has every right to do so. I know I should feel hatred towards him. I was disgusted with myself after the first time he took me, yet I don't feel that way towards him, not even the slightest.
After I let him have his way, after I gave in to him, he became gentle with me. There's always this pull, this connection that I feel towards him, and after I surrendered myself to him, it only felt stronger. Something is terribly wrong, because this feeling of need, this want, only became adamant. My body yearns for him.
I yearn for him.
I take a heavy sigh as frustration fills me, my mind swimming with thoughts of this mysterious, faceless man.
I need answers, and once the storm passes, once my grandmother comes back, I will talk to her. I know that she knows something. Why else would she forbid me to go to the garden if not of her knowledge of Sehun? Despite my fear of knowing the truth, the curiosity got the better of me.
Determined, I stand up and walk towards the window. It looks like the storm is subsiding, but the storm inside my heart has yet to begin.
If my grandmother somehow knew about Sehun, then why didn't she warn me? Why didn't she stop me from going back to this place? It just doesn't add up. Sehun said that I was a mere prize, something he took in exchange for my family's lust for power. So how did this whole thing start, and why am I the only one being dragged into this mess?
Shouldn't I be spared?
I feel so wronged. It simply isn't fair for me. I did nothing wrong, I was a mere victim of this, but beside all of that, somehow, I feel a little grateful.
Yes, grateful.
It may seem like I am contradicting myself, but this is what I am feeling at the moment.
I'm grateful for the fact that I have met Sehun. Despite his lecherous ways and his unforgiving character, I found this thing I have with him rather intimate. I know that I am treading into dangerous grounds, but I can't help it. I am falling deeper and deeper into this pitfall, and I know that it might just be because of how he has been so gentle with me the last time he took me, but I am slowly giving into him, and it's not out of fear. The attraction is there, I can feel it in every fiber of my being, and I know it's not physical. In all the days he appeared in front of me, I never did have the opportunity to see his face. I have no idea what he looks like, I was too afraid to see, and when the time came that I wanted to know, he didn't show up.
It saddens me how he suddenly disappeared, when he always makes it a point to visit me every single night. Maybe he can feel me slowly falling for him, and maybe, it was his plan all along, to make me feel for him, and leave me feeling so used and hurt.
I heave another sigh.
The storm is finally over, giving way for the afternoon sun to appear. I can see birds flying, and how children are running about outside, feeling the warmth from the sun.
I walked away from the window.
Being cooped up inside this room for so long feels so sickening. Maybe I was just merely hallucinating. Maybe I don't have feelings for him. After all, how can I fall for someone I didn't know? For something inhuman?
I shake my head as I walk outside the old house. I was thinking of leaving this place. I plan to take grandmother with me, and seek medication for her to somewhere with far more advanced facilities. I want her to stay away from this place, for I will never know what dangers are lurking inside. That is the most logical thing to do, yet I can't make myself leave this place. Something, I don't know what, I don't know who, but that something is making sure that I stay here. Fighting this may be already too late.
"Glad to see you up and running Ms. Eunji."
The old gardener spoke, shaking me off from my thoughts. He bowed his head a little, with his hands grasping a rake, and a straw hat on top of his head, he gave me a kind smile.
"It's a fine afternoon Mr. Kim. I hope the storm didn't cause you much trouble." I tried to make conversation with him, acting as if everything is back to normal. "Is Minseok around?"
Mr. Kim went on to tell me that his son went to buy something at the store. I wanted to ask Minseok what he meant by what he said to me the last time we spoke. I have this feeling in my gut that he knows something, and I'd take whatever I can get to be able to know why things are the way they are.
After a few conversations, the old man gave me a curt nod and proceeded to leave. Not feeling like getting back inside, I laze around the garden, the wet grass soaking my bare feet. I can feel the tingles it sent me, and how refreshing it feels to be under the sun once more. I look up at the sky and smile, yet that smile never reached my eyes.
I miss him.
I miss him so terribly.
Mindlessly, I start to wander further into the garden, feeling so lost and lonely. I take careful steps, afraid that the wet grass might cause me to slip. All of a sudden, I feel the wind surrounding me, and how it plays with my hair. I start to feel my heart beating faster and faster with every second, and when the wind stops, I smell a faint scent, something I haven't smelled for what seemed like forever.
I take a step, and another, my feet getting faster as I go. I don't care if I hurt myself anymore, all I have in mind is one thing, and one thing only. Moments later, I came face to face with the arch made of tan wood timber, and what I saw literally took my breath away.
I walk towards it in utter amazement, and when I finally am standing beside it, I reach with my trembling hands the object of my fascination.
I don't know how long I am staring at it. I know I may look like an idiot standing here, barely reaching the object, but when I feel tears pooling my eyes, I take a deep breath to get a hold of myself.
Once again, I find myself staring at it, and how the thought of its existence makes me tremble in both fear and excitement.
I remember the night when I first found the courage to go to this part of the garden, and how I was taken aback at how much the arch looked so seemingly old. I remember how some dried thorn stuck in the wooden arch has pricked my finger.
How is it possible that the same exact spot where I've cut myself, the same exact spot where a drop of my own blood landed, is the same exact spot I am looking at, staring at with so much wonder?
I stare at the object again, and it looks so beautiful in contrast with the now decaying arch. The petals look so red and full of life, and a hint of smell dances inside my nostrils. Never have I thought that I will ever see such a sight again. It was only one single rose, but it holds so many promises.
This may just be the answer to my never-ending questions.
I wipe away my tears and smile. I found myself reaching for it, but the moment the tip of my fingers touched the flower, I started seeing visions, making my head spin from the intensity of it.
My face contorted in pain, as images came rushing through. I whimper from the sudden discomfort, causing my hand to hold onto the nearest object. Everything is happening so fast that I failed to notice that I had grabbed onto the rose, accidentally removing it from its stem. I am holding it so firmly, causing some of the petals to break.
Heart pounding violently against my chest, I closed my eyes as I saw a vision of a man.
I saw this man wearing something of which seems like most people from the past generations would wear. It looks like an old suit, and his pale skin is in contrast with the black fabric. His hair is dark, much like the night sky, when no stars are twinkling, and the moon is nowhere in sight. His face is familiar to me, and his figure reminds me so much of someone, but I can't put a finger to whom he reminds me of.
I lean down against the wooden arch. There is a worldly sense of stillness in the air as I continue to see him. I have no idea who he is, or why I'm seeing such a sight, but what made me curious all the more, is the pain written all over his handsome face, and how his body is helplessly laying there on the green grass. I can see him grasping onto the left side of his waist, and how his other hand is holding one single rose.
A rose?
The things I am seeing are making me feel so vulnerable, and so lost.
I don't have any idea who this man is, and with all the things being splayed-out to me, one thing stood out the most. It was the rose. Seeing the rose had sent goosebumps all over my body, and not only that, but the throbbing I feel in my head intensified.
I feel terrified and confused.
I noticed that the flower is the color of white, but what terrified me the most is witnessing how the petals are slowly soaking in blood, blood of which seems to belong to that man. He looks like he is in excruciating pain, as he lay there on the ground.
I gasped and screamed for dear life, when I suddenly saw the man staring back at me, his eyes filled with so much anger and disgust.
"Miss? Are you alright?!"
The panicked voice of the old gardener's son took me back to reality. I didn't see the worry in his eyes, for I can only think of the man's face, and how terror creeps inside of me.
"Miss Eunji?"
He wraps his hands around my shoulders, his brows furrowing.
"Please take me back inside." I say in a hushed tone.
Carefully, he guides me back inside the house. I will myself to walk, with my trembling hands still clutching the rose, I dare not look back. I can no longer smell the faint smell of roses, all I can smell is the scent of his blood, and I know that somehow, if I ever look at that wooden arch once more, he's there, staring at me.
Minseok carefully took me back to my room, and I was too shocked to even thank him. I took a warm bath to redeem myself, and as the warm water cascaded against my pale skin, I slowly started to see the picture. I closed the shower and fixed myself to sleep, but sleep is derived from me once more. Bravely, I walk towards the window. I just know something isn't right. I just know that the vision has something to do about my current situation. I don't smell the blood anymore, nor the roses, and as I stare mindlessly at the wooden arch, I see and feel nothing. I blink a couple of times to see if I can see something again, but I was out of luck.
I turned around to go back to bed, but I suddenly saw something in the dark, a figure standing beside my bed, just waiting for me to come to him.
"Sehun…"
I whisper his name in a shaky voice. I can't feel anything other than the beating of my heart. I watch how he tilts his head to the side, watching me in silence. I can feel his eyes on me, and I stare back in earnest, determined to get some answers.
"Show me." I say, loud enough for him to hear.
"Show you what?" He asks.
"I need to see your face." I spoke louder this time.
"Please."
Sehun fell silent after that, his eyes still on me. It took him forever before he spoke again, but when he did, it's as if I sensed a change in the air. It felt unnerving, almost too unsettling.
"Do you really want to see?" He asked in a flat monotone voice.
"Y-yes."
My reply was almost too immediate, and I found him smirking at me. I can tell because I saw a shadow of a smile on his lips.
"Then close your eyes Eunji."
"W-why?" I hitch a breath. "Why do I have to close my eyes?"
His answer did not only confuse me, but it made my skin crawl just thinking of the possibilities that I may be right all along.
"Close your eyes." He whispered in a gentle voice.
I shut my eyes close, and with each passing second, my heart beating frantically against my ribcage. I can feel him getting closer to me. I can sense him. When his hands are slowly caressing my cheeks, I flinched a little, making me more nervous than I already am.
"Now, open them." He says in a command.
Slowly, I open my eyes, half afraid, and half excited to finally see his face, to finally know what he looks like. The moment I did, it felt like everything went back to its proper place, yet I still don't understand anything.
With my eyes now open, and the red sunset illuminating his face, I feel my legs slowly trembling in fear.
I was right.
I was right all along.
I never knew how one revelation could cause my world, everything I believe in to fall apart, but here in front of me lies the painful truth.
The man I saw from my vision earlier, the same man whom I saw lying on the ground, is the same man I am staring at.
"I-It's you." I say, and I feel so frightened right this very moment.
I watch how his lips are slowly tilting to the side, giving me a sinister smile, while his grey and lifeless eyes slowly turn dark, sparking a fire, consuming me, burning me with its raging embers.