Questionable Questing
Gusfes, Concerne replied to a thread you are watching at Questionable Questing.
[NSFW] - Sasuke Uchiha's guide to an unhealthy ninja life (Naruto crackfic/ SIsuke)

Size is, without an ounce of doubt, the most important qualities for a shinobi. Oh, some people may say that technique also matters, and I'm not saying it doesn't, but the indisputable truth is that size is what the other people will feel the most is the size. Plus, there's always that sense of accomplishment when you manage to impress others with sheer size.
I would like to clarify that I was referring to ninjutsu techniques. The age of stealthy shinobi dressed as the night attacking from the shadows was lost when people that can summon gigantic avatars made of chakra capable of slicing through entire mountains appeared on the battlefield for the first time. Who needs a poisonous dagger when you have the equivalent of C4 at your hands (literally in the case of some Iwa ninjas like Deidara)?
Of course, these kinds of things require a certain degree of responsibility and preparation to be used safely. To exemplify this, let's talk about the art of summoning. Before attempting to perform the technique, it is recommended that the aspiring summoner ask a shinobi who already has a contract in question for help. Without a contract previously established by an older and more experienced shinobi, the aspirant would be transported to the territory of the animal which he is most compatible with. This does not make the process any safer, in fact, it has been confirmed that the survival rate for this is even worse than Suna's economy.
In summary, one should never attempt to establish a summoning contract without the supervision of a responsible adult capable of vailing one out when the said attempt fails miserably.
"Mom, I'm going to the park to create a hole in time-space elastic fabric in order to obtain an army willing to follow my orders in exchange of my chakra or fulfilling a prophecy that has something to do with my hair color."
Although you can always skip these boring security measures if you have a certain degree of plot armor. Such is the for most protagonists in any series or fanfic.
"Oh, okay."
"Then… yeah."
"I see."
"Mmmh, don't you have anything to say about it?"
"Yes?"
"Yes?"
"Remember not to be late for dinner?"
"Dinner?"
"Yes… dinner."
"Well ... see you at dinner."
It was during these awkward family conversations that Sasuke Uchiha regretted rejecting the Gamer System. Right now, he would appreciate the emotional manipulation and brainwashi-...the help given by the system in order to increase his "Reputation" and "Bond level" with others. Part of him considered accepting his own inability to maintain meaningful relationships that did not require an immense amount of patience and one-sided sacrifice from other person and played with the idea of to changing himself for the better. Said part was ignored in favor of blaming all his faults on own the Uchiha genes like sensible person, such and Danzo and Tobirama, would do.
¨Maybe I should use genjutsu to make friends more easily. I don't see how is that different from the therapy no jutsu used by canon Naruto every time he fought against a villain. In fact, the genjutsu may be way less violent. ¨
With those ideas in his mind, the boy walked a long time until he arrived to an abandoned park with its carousels and swings covered in rust and weeds from lack of maintenance. This would serve as the ideal place to do something extremely risky without the supervision of a responsible adult.
The three other children, whom he had invited under the threat of going to their homes and kidnap them if they did not come, were sitting on one of the few clean benches in the park. Kiba and Neji both looked annoyed at the forced invitation and curious about the scroll in Sasuke's hands. Hinata just seemed happy to be invited.
"I would like to thank everyone for voluntarily coming here to witness my first summoning. It's something that I really wanted to share with all of you, my friends... and Hinata."
"Hey." An affronted Neji protested at the choice of words.
"What? She is still in probation."
It was heartwarming that the boy had become so close to his little cousin even if it only happened because her presence could be used to lower Sasuke's level of insanity. Now the two had a relationship equivalent to a tsundere older brother with serious emotional problems that should be discussed with a professional and a shy younger sister with a self-esteem lower than the value of most Latin American countries' currencies. Simply adorable.
"My first decree as the emperor of humanity will be offering you all a place in my army as I march towards world domination. "
"Should we do something?"
"Just ignore him. He will forget about that by tomorrow."
Ignoring the murmurs, Sasuke took out a kunai from his pocket and stabbed his. Once the blood began to come out from the small cut, he carefully wrote his name on the scroll as he put some of his chakra into the seal.
* POOF *
In less than a blink, the Uchiha disappeared in a cloud of smoke leaving the other children staring curiously at the scroll. As the most impatient person in the group, Kiba was the first to approach. He couldn't believe that not even his nose could locate the crazy Uchiha and tried to touch the parchment on the floor, an idea that many seven years old boys would agree with, but before his finger came into contact with the scroll...
* POOF *
"Oh my psycho MILF moon rabbit goddess! " Sasuke muttered while shivering uncontrollably.
The boy reappeared seconds after leaving, but he looked very different. His trembling body was covered from head to toe by feathers, blood and other things that smelled like a dirty bathroom or one of those adult buildings that they weren't allow to visit. Even so, the most striking thing were Sasuke's eyes, they had some red orbs that were spinning like crazy without any sign of stopping.
"Neji, Hinata, go get some tea and light food. I'll stay here to calm him down. "
It was rare for the others to follow the orders of the self-proclaimed leader of the group, but no one said anything about it given the urgency of the situation. Making use of all of his miniscule experience helping out at his family's veterinary clinic, the Inuzuka did his best to help his friend to calm down.
"No more beheadings please, that's not even the hole from where that thing should come out."
His best wasn't enough.
Fortunately, the Hyuugas returned right away with tea and some dango. Hinata even brought a bag of tomatoes with her. After spending a few minutes eating in silence, Sasuke managed to cool his head.
"Hinata, you are promoted to official friend."
The girl made a small gesture of triumph.
"Ignoring your unhealthy obsession with tomatoes. What happened and why are you covered in blood and feathers?" Neji asked.
"It was horrible." The Uchiha replied while he remembered all the horror.
"Emmh, Sasuke-kun, you're staring at the trees without saying anything. "
"I was having a flashback Hinata. It is very rude to interrupt one. Maybe you're not ready for our friendship yet. A shame."
"SORRY."
"Stop emotionally manipulating my cousin and tell us what happened."
"Fine. Hinata, cover your ears, close your eyes and sing that song I taught you the other day, you are too innocent to hear this."
"But..."
"Friendship."
*Tch*
"♫En el desierto un viajero de amor desesperado quería morir, muy agotado ya iba a parar, pero un colibrí le cantó...♫"
When Hinata clicked her tongue, Sasuke felt strangely proud and concerned at the same time. He really was trying to not corrupt the girl. At most he wanted her to be to terrorize the world with a scarily sweet smile and looking adorable in the process.
"Okay, what happened was this..."
[hr][/hr]
When Sasuke was taken to his future summon's territory he expected to find majestic landscapes like as a great rocky mountain piercing the clouds on the sky, a dark cave whose only form of light come from luminous crystals impossible to replicate by human hands, or even an infinite desert whose limits couldn't been seen even when if someone were to focus on the ever-distant horizon. Oh, what he found was certainly impressive and breath-taking from a certain point of view, but the only emotion that could describe that he felt was HORROR.
Rivers of red ran through the earth, splitting it into several sections full of sticky grasses painted in purple and reddish colors growing inside some almost unrecognizable skeletons laying on the ground. And the vision only grew worse the more he lifted his gaze, dozens of rotten corpses were hanging from the old and dried trees, their eye-sockets lacked their eyeballs but they weren't empty, no, they were filled with maggots that could also been seen crawling under what was left of the corpses' skin. Finally, the treetops were decorated with the broken bones of all kind of animals, from giant snake skeletons to…small human skulls.
Amid all that horror, an animal walked at a leisurely pace in Sasuke's direction. The boy didn't dare to look away from it, fearing the chance of being its next victim.
Spoiler: The terrible beast
"You must be our new summoner candidate " Says the goose casually. "Nice to meet you. I am Bob."
"What is this?" Sasuke weakly asked, pointing to the hellish landscape.
"Oh, that is the children's pool. I'm sorry for the mess, but they are children. Follow me, I'll take you to the GREAT COUNCIL OF GEESE."
Spoiler: Author's commentary:
After a brief tour through the land of the geese that included a visit to the valley of sorrow, the mountain of pain, the forest of genocides and the nursery of sweet dreams (despite their sadism and genocidal tendencies, the geese have proven to be better parents than 90% of the ninja community, which is not so impressive in hindsight.), they made it to where the high council waited for him. A great variety of geese of various colors, sizes and ages were watching him with curiosity.
"Uchiha Sasuke, the great council of the geese has decided to give you the opportunity to prove yourself worthy of stablishing a contract with us. Usually we would put you through a series of tests, but we have decided to settle for a simple interview due to the fact that your hairstyle reminds us a lot of our tails. Someone who is willing to wear such a ridiculous hairstyle to make a good first impression deserves that. "
"This is my natural hairstyle. "
There was a full minute of silence.
"The council has decided to ignore that and continue with the interview. We've been searching for a worthy summoner that would allow us to unleash a new reign of terror on the human world and we don't want to ruin this opportunity. Although we still have not decided whether to paint our future throne made with the corpses of our enemies crimson red, like the blood of the innocents, or perhaps salmon."
"WHAT?"
"Salmon, it is a kind of pink. Anyway, let's get started."
For the sake of the little amount sanity he has left, Sasuke decided to ignore all mentions of genocide. Despite what some may believe, Sasuke wasn't evil, he simply has as much empathy as a bowl of fruit.
"First question: After winning a great battle, you find yourself before a wounded enemy soldier. Would you kill him?"
"No? I mean, the battle is over, there's no need for it anymore."
"Good answer. By refusing to give him a warrior death, you would let him to die in pain and then be eaten by scavengers. Not showing respect to a fallen enemy shows you think like us. You are already showing more promise than those failures called Dancho and Orocharama."
The young Uchiha wondered if Itachi would be willing to share his crows with him. Acting like an emo chunni wearing black and red while wrestling with an impractically large scythe sounded safer than this.
"You are a wise judge and two women appear before you with a baby; they both claim to be the child's mother. What would you do?"
"I think would threaten to cut the child in half and thus find out who the real mother is."
"BRILLIANT. Not only would you butcher a defenseless infant in front her real mother, traumatizing her for life, but you would also discover the criminal and punish her however you see fit. Boy, we certainly underestimated your evil. "
He could have asked Kakashi too. He loves dogs and it wasn't like the Jonin was hard to find.
"Final question: You are a doctor and you've come across an injured pregnant woman. You can only save her or the baby. Who do you save?"
"Do I really have to choose one? "
"How despicable! The response we were hoping for was to save the mother and then make sure she feels guilty about the baby's death for the rest of her life, but you went one step further and decided to kill both of them, an option we didn't even think about. You are simply the most horrible person to ever put a foot in this place. I feel like a pathetic saint compared to you. Forgive my previous doubts, future antichrist, your evil has no precedent."
* Honk *
* HONK *
* HONK * * HONK * * HONK *
"THE COUNCIL HAS SPOKEN. LONG LIVE TO SASUKE UCHIHA, OUR SUMMONER AND FUTURE ANTICHRIST."
"LONG LIVE TO THE ONE WHO WILL DESTROY THE WORLD. "
* Honk *
* HONK *
* HONK * * HONK * * HONK *
[hr][/hr]
"And that was what happened."
"Dude, I have no idea what a Christ is, but why are you so scared?"
"Indeed. While disturbing, I can't not imagine you being so affected for something like that."
"♫ Cruel and cold like winds on the sea, Will you ever return to me? Hear my voice sing with the tide… ♫"
"Are you sure you want to hear the real reason? It is quite traumatic, even by my standards."
"You are a member of the pack. As the super arch mega leader, it is my duty to listen and help you. I'm not running away from some dumb ducks"
Sasuke felt touched by the boy's camaraderie. Even if he mostly started this friendship in order to to get close to talking dogs, he was now happy that it happened.
With great expectations he turned his head in the direction of his other friend.
"I'm curious." Neji shrugged.
Well... at least he enjoyed annoying the shit out of Neji.
[hr][/hr]
Shortly after having read and signed the contract, which thankfully did not require him to performance of depraved blood sacrifice, the young Uchiha was taken to a big dome in order to celebrate the beginning of this new friendship between him and the geese. There wasn't anything interesting to see there, it was a good-sized room with some chairs and a big circle in the middle.
The geese walked one by one into the circle and ...Oh…OH MY DAVID BOWIE.
Spoiler: (Another) Author's commentary:
After Sasuke watched that... thing, he failed to hold back his vomit. He then turned toward the nearest goose.
"This ... Is this an orgy or a massacre? "
"What is the difference? "
Needless to say, the next three hours in that place weren't very pleasant for him.
[hr][/hr]
That day the boys lost what little innocence they had left...and most of their stomach's contents. The essence of the horror that should never be named would accompany them for the rest of their lives.
"I'm smelling something weird. Can I open my eyes? "
"KEEP SINGING." The three young boys shouted as one.
"No fair... ♫ Brains, brains, It's okay. It's not a matter if it isn't gray... ♫"View This
Questionable Questing
Gusfes, Casualfarmer replied to a thread you are watching at Questionable Questing.
[NSFW] - Beware Of Chicken (xianxia)

"So, everything looks fine with the crystal master?" I asked Noodle, coiled around my arm as he was. Big D and Yin had gone off somewhere today to explore the city, so it was just me and the long green man. All of them had been unconcerned when I came back to the inn in the morning, but they got an apology anyway. Getting wasted and having to crash somewhere else and then not sending word of it was a bit rude.
'Yesss, it is as you suggested. I simply asked him, and he answered. He said he knows a Spirit Beast, and that we shall understand when we meet Master Gen.'
"Well, it should be cool to meet somebody else," I mused, as we ventured through the streets, heading back to the Azure Jade Trading Company with my cart. They wanted to store it on site, so I went and got it for them.
Guan Bo was already up and about, organising a team of ten oxes. The man looked a little ill from last night's celebration. I was surprised he was up already, after how much he had drunk last night, but he seemed to be working through it.
Guan Bo was directing a flurry of activity and hadn't noticed my arrival. "Yo!" I called out. The man turned at my voice, putting on a smile… when he paled at the sight of me carrying the load.
"Master Jin!" he yelped. He gawped and opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it, closed his mouth and bowed instead. "Thank you very much, Master Jin. We were just preparing to collect the rest of your goods." The rest of the milling men had stopped to stare as well.
"I was headed in that direction anyway." I shrugged, setting down the cart. "So how's this trip to the Forge District going to work?" I asked.
Guan Bo bowed again as the men who had been staring at me with wide eyes snapped out of their stupor, and started arranging the oxes to take the load.
"Master Jin, I will be taking the lead. We will be accompanied by three accountants of our household. As you expressed a desire to inspect the goods at their source, the Foremen and Forgemasters have been informed of your impending arrival, so we may proceed at your leisure."
It was a little weird to have everyone waiting on me, but I nodded. Guan Bo gestured to his right, and a few waiting bodyguards settled into loose formation around us.
It was still fairly early in the morning, so the streets weren't completely packed yet, but there were still enough people out gawking at the armoured guards. They wore a thick coat of interlocking plates, and carried long spears and swords, but had no helmet, instead a cloth headband. The Pale Moon Lake City Guards gave us nods as we walked past checkpoints, the buzzers rattling as we got close. We were headed for the outskirts of the city, to where one of the many rivers forked off Pale Moon Lake. There was a giant stone divider, and a massive, open gate that indicated the entrance.
I looked around with no small amount of wonder, as we entered the forge district. Yao Che's small forge was impressive enough, as were the ones in Verdant Hill.
But this? This was industry. Great furnaces pumped smoke into the air, and drop hammers, too large and expensive to use near Verdant Hill, swung down in with thunderous booms.
Hundreds of men toiled, pumping bellows, grinding metal, and feeding the vast furnaces. Even through the wood smog and pollution obscuring the district, it was impressive as hell.
'Thissss is amazing,' Noodle whispered, as he stared around in wonder. 'The lassst we were here, we gave little attention to this place. I am glad we have this opportunity.'
Guan Bo spoke up and announced, "The first destination will be Copper Hands. As you said, you are looking primarily for purity, so we have the best of the best arranged for you. Master Hu's family has the purest copper in the entirety of the Azure Hills, with their finest grade being ninety eight percent pure."
"Lead the way, Guan Bo," I declared. The man nodded, and led the way to a large stone building. Guan Bo wasn't joking about having people wait for me. We were received swiftly by a servant who led us to the meeting room. An old, stern looking man whose face was cragged and wrinkled greeted us, kneeling on a cushion in front of a line of his apprentices. He looked like a stereotypical old master blacksmith.
"This Tong Hu greets the esteemed son of the Azure Jade Trading Company and the Master Cultivator," he said bowing low.
I returned his greeting, as he waved an apprentice dressed to the nines in expensive silk as well over. The man carried in a tray of three small copper bars on a lacquered wooden plank. The apprentice presented the bars to us bowing low.
"Ninety-nine percent pure, on my, and my family's honour. Only the finest for the Master Cultivator," Tong Hu said. "May the heavens strike me down if this is a lie, Master Cultivator. This is the finest copper in the city, refined using techniques my family has practiced for generations."
It certainly looked right, the warm reddish orange hue. I think that was pretty much good enough, and god damn fantastic for people using these old tools. Seriously, ninety nine percent? Cultivators could probably get pure elemental copper fairly easily...
I frowned. Could you put copper through a pill furnace? It would certainly make things easier. I shook my head putting the thought aside, and picked up a piece of copper. I currently had no real way of knowing if he was telling the truth—
Ninety nine point one percent pure popped into my head. I froze at the realization. Like with the wheat, things had gone a little bit wonky. I could feel that there were slight traces of other elements too. Some iron, it seemed like, and a bit of oxides, but there wasn't any lead. I shook my head, looking back up at the forge master. His face was pale, and a dribble of sweat ran down his face. I blinked at the sudden tension in the room.
"This should work," I said, and the man let out a breath, the tension abruptly dropping out of him.
"Very good, Master Cultivator. How much of our metal do you require?"
I looked at the bars on the tray before me, and then took out my own notebook. Maintiao considered the offerings, before whispering in my ear. He wasn't the best at metal, but he was definitely better than me, at least. Guan Bo froze in a comic horror as Noodle slithered away from me to tap his tail on the proper figure. The rest of the room just stared incredulously.
"About twenty of these," I said simply. Noodle returned to his place and Tong Hu closed his open mouth then bowed.
"It shall be as you command, Master Cultivator," I turned to Guan Bo, who nodded hesitantly, recovered from his shock.
"Thank you for your time, Master Tong. I, Guan Bo, shall discuss with you the price."
I sat back, content to let the person who knew what he was doing haggle for me.
=================================
The day went pretty well. Honestly, better than I hoped. I tried not to enjoy the privilege of just getting to walk to the front of the line, and talk to whoever was in charge too much, but yeah, it was nice.
Then I also got to just throw Guan Bo at people. Behold, my overpowered technique, delegation.
Guan Bo smiled, as he secured another deal, this time for the lead free flux, the substance that made metals more liquid and let them expel impurities. Then we headed off to our next destination.
With the sudden windfall I had, I had decided to kind of double dip on the pipes for the still. I took some of the copper to an artisan, some big shot guy in the city, and gave him the designs to make the pipes. His eyes gleamed with interest, and he was quite accommodating, when I asked if I could watch… mostly so I could see what he was doing, and try it again with Yao Che at home.
If it worked out, we had two stills, and Hong Yaowu got their own. If it didn't? Well, at least we tried.
At the Glassmakers, however, I got an amusing treat.
'Tch. look at them. Their technique is all wrong!'
To say Noodle was unimpressed by their showing was an understatement.
'Look at how many hours that polishing will take, if you do it like that!' he hissed. 'Oh, if my master could see these men, he would weep bitter tears for his craft, and jump from joy at the opportunity!'
"…Master Jin, your… companion knows of glassmaking?" Guan Bo asked. He looked a bit light-headed and was pinching his finger, staring at the snake.
"Yeah. Noodle is pretty great at this sort of thing."
'Miantiao?' Guan Bo mouthed the name incredulously.
I personally couldn't tell you what skilled glassmaking looked like. They had blown a glass cylinder, and then cut it in half, unrolling it and laying it against an iron work surface to cool. It was fairly clear—Miantiao had only good things to say about the quality of the sand, and the bulk order was cheap but unwieldy. Many others were grinding away at the slightly warped surface, carefully cleaning, and making it as clear as they could, despite the slight ripples in the end product.
It was long, labour intensive work. And for some reason it seemed off to me. Wasn't there something about floating the glass? On liquid metal or something? I think that's how we did it back in the before, but I had no idea if the idea was even viable here.
I'd bring it up to Noodle later.
It turned into a tour of the entire area. It was nice, aside from the occasional itching in my back.
Felt a bit like somebody was watching me, but nobody ever came out to say hello.
So I kept a bit of an eye out, but… nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Well, nothing until I got an invitation to dinner from Chyou, Guan Bo's sister.
Huh, she had found those books rather fast.
================================
Two men skulked in an alleyway, their eyes focused on the man as he greeted the beautiful daughter of the Azure Jade Trading Company, Guan Chyou. The woman had spent all day with doctors and scholars, asking about medical books from what they had gathered.
"Are you sure?" the younger of the two watchers asked his partner. His costume was ragged, as if he was a pauper, but his accent gave him away as being higher class. The older one was dressed just as shabbily in mismatched rags. If you saw them on the street you wouldn't look twice. Unless of course you looked closely enough to see a set of matching plum blossom pins hidden in the folds of their rags.
"Did you not see the caravan he pulled in? He's a cultivator. And he matches the description." The elder observer declared, his sharp eyes taking in the two as they conversed briefly.
"The name is spelled completely differently," the younger said, referring to the records at the inn.
"Yes, this is true. However, Master Scribe said he would rather be interrupted with a lead that turns out to be useless, than to let his search be stymied by something we found that we thought was useless," the elder chastised.
"As you say, Senior Brother."
"Now, let us go. We know where he is going to be, did you see that pearl of a woman? He'll be there all night. Let us leave him to his fun. If he is who we are looking for, Master Scribe decreed he will tolerate no insult to his person."
"Yes, Sir."
"Back to the headquarters. We'll make our report."
The two shadowy forms departed.
============
============
Lord Noodle is displeased by your glassmaking.
Jin has the most powerful techniques.
The Plum Blossoms Find a certain man.
And As always, if you wish to read the next chapter, I do have an advanced chapter on patreonView This ThreadUnread Watched Threads
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