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Does Voldemort Even Lift, Bro? by zugrian
 Harry Potter & Marvel Xover Rated: T, English, Humor & Parody, Harry P., Parvati P., Padma P., Thanos, Words: 48k+, Favs: 584, Follows: 733, Published: Jul 13 Updated: Dec 17 181Chapter 5: Year 3-- I Ain't Scared of No Ghost
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Marvel.
"So, then I stabbed that smarmy little bastard ghost's diary over and over and he screamed like a little bitch while he like dissolved or something," Harry said, waving the sword around while he finished his story. "It was totally sweet."
"Well done, young Harry," Thanos replied with a deep booming laugh. "I see that you have used the creature's skin to make the sheath. A wise decision- taking and displaying trophies from your kills will remind the sheep of your greatness."
"Yeah, I had this little dude named Dobby do that for me."
"Wasn't that the creature that tried to prevent you from returning to school last summer?"
"Yeah, he's kinda nutty, but he got my bloody shirt after I won and he's been completely devoted to me ever since," Harry shrugged. "So I figure it's all good."
"Sometimes foes can be persuaded to one's side after you emerge triumphant," Thanos nodded. "Though, you should practice vigilance in case of betrayal. Any traitors must be dealt with harshly- mercy is for the weak and the foolish."
"Right, like Conan said," Harry agreed. That was the most recent movie Thanos had shown him, saying that it held many important life lessons. Harry liked that he now had another role model- he was planning on becoming buff enough to make Arnie proud, and he imagined his girls would like it if he ever showed up in a loin cloth. He already had the sword anyway.
"What is best in life?" Thanos prodded.
"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women," Harry repeated with a smile.
"Indeed," Thanos chuckled. "That line was borrowed from Genghis Khan, perhaps the greatest human of all time. He was a warrior and conqueror, and you should heed his wisdom."
"I will."
"Excellent." Thanos stood up and walked over to the safe in his office- he had pulled Harry in there to hear his tale in privacy and to keep the honeys from distracting his young protege. From inside the safe he removed his gauntlet, now halfway complete. "Behold, Harry, the third gem I have acquired."
"It's yellow," Harry looked at it puzzled. "I don't think it looks as cool as the other two."
"Hah! No matter how powerful I may be, I did not create these stones, and thus, I did not choose their colors. Do you remember which the first two were?"
"Yeah, Power and Space," Harry answered.
"Correct," Thanos smiled darkly. "This is perhaps the most powerful of all- the Reality gem."
"Like, it can change reality?"
"Exactly," Thanos nodded.
"But then..." Harry scratched his head. "Why would the others even matter? Couldn't you just like... decide that Reality says whatever you want to happen and always win at everything?"
"To some extent, but the other stones are beyond its power to control," Thanos replied. "That's why I can't use it to warp reality to make the others just appear in my hand. In some ways, that's a pity, but at the same time, the end result will be much sweeter once I have finished my quest. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, it's like how I killed the basilisk. It would have been easy if I could just snap my fingers and have the thing fall over dead, but it was much more fun to get the sword and stab it and stuff."
"You are wise for your age, Harry. Come now, let us leave our weapons aside for the moment." Thanos stood up and waited while Harry removed his sheath from his belt. "I need to see how you have progressed on your strength and fitness training."
Harry was still smiling as he got off the Knight Bus which sped off into the distance behind him. He'd spent the day with his honeys, and their mum had warmed up to him a lot since their first meeting. It looked like she was working on her husband too, which Harry supposed would make things easier in the long run.
Parvati and Padma were somehow growing even more beautiful, although he wasn't sure how he could explain that- well, other than the boobs that were a lot more prominent than he'd remembered from a couple of months or so earlier. Mrs. Patil, or Priya as she had told Harry to call her, had joked that her girls were just beginning to blossom and still had some growing to do. Padma had glared at her mum for that while Parvati had blushed, but it didn't escape Harry's notice that Priya was very blessed in the boobs department. If his honeys ended up half as big, he'd be a happy man.
The only thing that could have made it better was if they'd had a pool because he really wanted to see the twins in swimsuits. Preferably bikinis, but he'd take whatever he could get.
The sound of barking broke Harry's train of thought. He looked to his right and saw a very large but rail thin black dog. "Whoa, dude, you look starved. Have your owners not been feeding you enough?"
The dog whined for a moment but came over and sniffed at him. It looked up and barked happily, licking Harry's hand. One second later, the dog transformed into a thin man dressed in rags. "Harry?"
"Uh, yeah?" He was surprised for a moment, but this wasn't really the strangest thing to happen in Harry's life. Maybe top five though.
"I can't believe it's you!" the man grinned widely. "You're so big!"
"Yeah, dude, hard work, you know?"
"Your dad never had half this much muscle," the strange man laughed. "Might have helped him win over your mum faster if he did."
"You knew my parents?"
"Of course. Let me introduce myself properly." He held out his hand and Harry shook it. "My name is Sirius Black, and I'm your godfather."
"Hmm, then you've missed out on some stuff, bro."
"Yes, well, I had a small problem with being thrown in prison."
"Really? Oh yeah, you're the mass murderer dude that was on the telly the other day!" Harry smiled- no reason to be scared since he had his sword right there, after all. He had worn it every day, and the Dursleys were keeping even further away from him for some reason. His hand slid down to the sword's handle just in case. "Am I gonna have to cut you, bro?"
"I would never hurt you, Harry," Sirius proclaimed. "And I'm innocent of the crimes they blamed on me."
"Oh? So, you got shafted by the man, huh?"
"That's one way to put it," Sirius growled. "We should probably find somewhere more private to talk."
"Okay." Harry scratched his head for a moment. "Can you turn back into a dog again?"
"Of course."
"Cool, then I'll just take a stray home with me."
And so a few minutes later, Harry led his new pet back to the Dursleys. Petunia looked outraged and Vernon started to get up and say something, but Harry tapped his hand on the sword and smirked before heading up the stairs. Once they were in his room, Sirius shifted back from his canine form.
"I'm not sure if I like the looks from your muggle family," he began. "As I recall, Lily never got along well with her sister."
"Eh," Harry shrugged. "I don't like them much either, but they leave me alone, so... you know, whatever."
"Well, if I can ever clear my name, then you could come live with me," Sirius offered with a grin. "I was supposed to take care of you if something happened to your parents."
"Good job so far, dude," Harry snorted.
"I... I have a lot to make up for, I know. But I'm going to try. For starters, I'm going to kill the real traitor before he can try anything with you."
"So, who's the real traitor then?"
"Wormtail," Sirius growled. He pulled a piece of newspaper out of his pocket and showed it to Harry.
"Oh yeah, that's one of my fangirls- Ginny," he grinned but then frowned for a moment. "And her brother that's in my year... Jon I think?"
"Notice the rat on this boy's shoulder," his godfather pointed it out before launching into a long story about how he, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew had become animaguses during their Hogwarts years in order to keep their friend Remus Lupin company when he transformed every month as a werewolf. Harry thought that sounded pretty bad ass- werewolves were supposed to be really strong and tough, nearly impossible to kill without a weapon made of silver. He immediately started daydreaming about fighting one, slaying yet another mighty foe in his quest to be the most awesome dude ever.
Eventually, Sirius got through his point about how Jon Weasley's rat was a traitor and they would need to capture it for vengeance. Harry was down with getting vengeance. He suggested that Sirius come along as his new pet once it was time for the train ride and they could hunt down the little piece of vermin that day. Then he could introduce him to his honeys- Sirius was very impressed when he found out that Harry was dating twins.
Over the new few weeks, Sirius put on some weight and even got to take a shower on occasion when Petunia wasn't paying too much attention. Harry also talked him into shaving before the trip- he didn't want his godfather to look too scruffy for their moment of triumph.
He did have to stay at home on the day when Harry went to Diagon Alley to get his supplies, but Sirius was convinced to just take a nap that afternoon because he'd mistakenly tried to exercise with Harry when he went out for a run the day before. Even as Padfoot, the older man ended up exhausted by the time they made it home.
"Hey ladies," Harry said with a grin as he spotted the Patil family at the train station.
"Hi Harry," his girls responded in chorus. Their mother was smiling indulgently while Mr. Patil couldn't hide the scowl on his face.
"Woof!" Padfoot barked.
"Oh yeah, this is my new dog," Harry added. "He's still pretty scrawny, but I'm working on it."
"Where did you get him?" Padma asked while Parvati came over and let Padfoot sniff her hand. He started to lick it, making her giggle and Harry reached down and smacked the dog on the back of his head.
"Keep your tongue to yourself, mutt."
Padfoot whined for a moment, but nodded due to Harry's continued glare.
"He's just a dog, Harry, he can't help it," Parvati said with a smile.
"I don't know if dogs are allowed at Hogwarts," Padma pointed out.
"Maybe not, but I have a feeling they'll make an exception in this case," Harry smirked. "Let's get on the train and I'll explain everything."
The girls said goodbye to their parents and they all made their way onto the Hogwarts Express, finding an empty compartment to share. Once he had stowed their trunks, Harry turned back to the twins. "I'm just going to take him on a little walk before we get underway."
"Good idea," Padma said.
"We'll be here," Parvati grinned. "Don't keep us waiting too long."
"Right," Harry said before yanking on Padfoot's leash. "Let's go for a walk, okay boy?"
They went down the train, Sirius sniffing everywhere while Harry looked for Ginny and her brother... whatever his name was.
Just before the train got underway, he spotted his ginger fangirl talking to a spacey looking little blonde. Padfoot started to growl. "Hey, calm down boy. That's just Ginny, she's pretty harmless."
He pulled open the door and the little redhead spotted Harry and immediately pounced on him. "Harry! You came for me!"
"Uhhh..."
She wrapped her arms around him and immediately began feeling him up. Now, Harry didn't really mind, but he knew that his honeys would. Unfortunately, the third occupant of the compartment was an old dude who was going grey and had all these scars on his face. Now, that wasn't a big deal, but he had the most blatant pedo-looking mustache Harry had ever seen and that made him worry about leaving these girls with the dude.
He remembered what a creep Lockhart was, and Harry didn't want to deal with any of that crap again. Plus, Padfoot started growling at him just as the man stood up and pulled out his wand.
"Where did you get that dog?"
"Hey man, leave the dog alone," Harry said, pushing Ginny behind him. "Why is some weird old dude riding a train with a bunch of school kids anyway?"
"He's a part of the Illuminati Pedophile Conspiracy," the blonde said in a breathy voice.
"That explains the mustache," Harry nodded. "Stay behind me."
He pulled out his sword and pointed it at the scarred dude. "Leave the girls alone, creep."
From behind him he heard Ginny shriek. His ears were still ringing as the little blonde cheerfully announced, "Oh, it's Stubby Boardman! You were my dad's favorite singer! Are the Hobgoblins going to do a reunion tour? I'll have to get him tickets for his birthday."
"Harry, that's Mooney," Sirius said.
"Who?"
"Lupin, remember?"
"Oh right," Harry replied as he sheathed his sword and pulled out the newspaper photo and handed it over. "Check this out, dude."
"What?" Lupin was clearly confused.
"Look at the rat, Mooney."
"My god!" he gasped. "Then..."
"Little bastard framed me," Sirius growled.
"Oh Harry!" Ginny gushed as she wrapped herself around his left arm. "You keep a picture of me in your pocket? I knew it was true love!"
"Miss Weasley," Lupin said, trying to get her attention as she gazed up at Harry adoringly. "Miss Weasley!"
"Huh... what?'
"Which of your brother is this- the one holding the rat?" Lupin clarified.
"Oh, that's Ron and Scabbers," she shrugged. "I never liked the ugly little thing."
"Ron, right, that's his name," Harry nodded. "I knew it was something like that. Do you know where he is Ginny?"
"He's was with his friends a couple of compartments over." She got a big smile on her face. "Why don't I show you?"
"Uh, yeah, okay."
And so a motley screw filed out into the hallway. Lupin went first, Sirius (shifted back into Padfoot) came next, dragging Harry along with his leash, who dragged Ginny along since she refused to detach from his arm and the blonde came with too.
"My name is Luna Lovegood," she revealed. "Do you think your dog, or Stubby, will let me interview him?"
"I can probably talk him into it," Harry said. "Let us take care of business today first though."
"Then I will be in your debt, Harry Potter."
"No problem, dude."
They reached their destination and Lupin went in wand first. "Mister Weasley, I'm going to need to see your rat."
"What? Scabbers?"
Said rat immediately tried to scamper away, but Lupin froze him with a spell and then turned him back into a man.
A really, really ugly little man. His hair was missing patches, he had a terrible over bite with two huge front teeth, he was fat and looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Harry shook his head- it's pretty rough when you actually looked better as a rat of all things.
"I believe we'll need to contact the Ministry once the train ride is over," Lupin said. Harry was glad that he had kept hold of Padfoot's leash and yanked him back from trying to rush into the little room, but the hallway was pretty cramped as well. "I'll be taking this traitor back with me. Come along, Peter."
He levitated the ugly dude back to his compartment.
"I'm staying here," Sirius said as he shifted back to a man.
"I hope you can control yourself, old friend," Lupin replied. "It would be a shame if we can't get a trial to straighten all this out."
"I know," Sirius sighed. "I can't let Harry down like that again."
"Well, how about that interview then?" Luna suggested. "It's a long train ride, mister Boardman, and I'm sure the public would love to know what you've been up to all these years."
"I guess I don't have anything better to do," he answered with a shrug. "You see, it all started back in 1975. My best friend was obsessed with this muggleborn girl, and because of that, we started doing research on muggle music. It was hard to do from Hogwarts, but we were able to re-calibrate a Wizarding Wireless radio set so that we could get a whole bunch of muggle broadcasts as well. From then on, while we were doing homework up in our dorms, we'd also be paying attention to what the muggles liked. And that lead us to discovering Led Zeppelin..."
Harry walked back down the train to where he had left his honeys. Ginny was still attached to his side, talking about all the romantic dates she had planned for them, and he had given up on trying to interrupt her.
"What the bloody hell is she doing here?" Parvati screeched when he opened the door.
"Harry has finally revealed his true feelings for me," Ginny replied with her nose in the air. "You two hussies will just have to deal with it."
"You little bitch!"
Parvati stepped forward and slapped the redhead. As yet another cat fight broke out, Harry was finally able to extricate himself and he maneuvered past the two girls and sat down by Padma.
"Not going to step in?" she asked.
"No way," Harry said with a grin. "Look how hot your sister is!"
"Such an idiot," Padma sighed.
Harry threw his arm around her and leaned in. "Yeah, but I'm your idiot."
About an hour later, after she had driven Ginny off, Parvati was rewarded first by Harry first snogging her senseless and then getting a massage to relieve the stress. He figured that was fair- she had worked up a sweat, and her shoulders were pretty tight. But he wasn't sure why she needed a foot rub too.
Or why Padma was insisting that she was next. Maybe it was just one of those girl things that he didn't understand. He'd have to ask Thanos next summer. Or maybe Sirius- he had been pretty interested in Harry's honeys and tried to joke about what a playboy he was.
"Is it getting cold in here?" Padma asked.
"Hmm?" Parvati opened her eyes as she exhaled and smiled. "Now that you mention it, it is getting a little chilly."
Harry didn't say anything- only smiling at the fact that her nipples were poking out against her shirt. This day just kept getting better and better.
"Harry!" Padma yelled, breaking the spell her sister had cast upon him.
"Huh?"
"Did you notice that it got colder?"
There was a bang as the train lurched and the lights went out. Harry stood up and reached for his sword. He could have grabbed his wand instead, but let's face it, swords are way cooler.
A moment later this tall skeletal looking thing slid down the hall, stopping and opening their door.
"Hey ugly, stay the hell away from my honeys!" Harry stepped forward and slashed into the creepy grim reaper looking jerk. His fingers felt cold and their was a terrible shriek just before he passed out.
"Harry, are you alright?" Sirius asked.
"Boobies," he grinned as he blinked open his eyes, trying to adjust to the light.
"Sounds like he's just fine to me," Padma snorted.
Harry thought of getting up, but then he realized that Parvati had his head in her lap so he just laid back and enjoyed the moment.
"I'm flattered, Harry," Parvati said as she ran her fingers through his hair. "But do you remember that thing in the hall?"
"The last thing I remember..." he thought for a moment and then smiled again. "Was breast feeding."
"Well, sounds like I missed a party," Sirius barked out a laugh.
"Okay, maybe he's not alright," Padma said with a frown.
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked with a silly grin on his face.
"I can assure you that none of us were shirtless," Padma replied with a glare. "Also, who are you?"
"Oh, that's just Sirius," Harry said.
"Sirius Black?" Padma asked, eyes going wide as she pulled out her wand.
"Yeah, but don't worry about it."
"He's a mass murderer!" Padma shrieked.
"It's cool, babe."
"But-"
"I'm innocent," Sirius added.
"Yeah, see, it's fine," Harry said. "We caught the real traitor and stuff."
"But..." Padma looked over at how completely unconcerned her boyfriend and sighed. "Fine- but Harry, if you get me killed, then you won't get to spend any time in broom closets this year."
"I know one on the fourth floor that I'd recommend," Sirius interjected. "If you tap the third shelf from the top, the room triples in size and a bed folds out."
"You'll be showing me exactly where this broom closet is, or I'll disown you as my godfather," Harry said with a very serious expression..
"I guess I do sort of owe you."
"Alright, let's go back a minute," Parvati interrupted. "What is this about breast feeding?"
"There was this woman with red hair."
Harry found himself dumped on the floor as his pillow stood up and shouted. "I"m going to kill that little slut!"
"Whoa, babe." He quickly got up and embraced his angriest honey. "Not Ginny. I was really little and this lady was probably my mum. I think I was like a baby or something. But man, her boobs were enormous."
"Yeah, your mum was a total fox," Sirius said with a fond smile. "And she was really, really stacked while she was still nursing you. When things got bad in the war, I promised James that I'd take care of you and her if anything happened to him. Judging by the burn from the hex he hit me with, he didn't think it was very funny."
"Ouch," Harry laughed.
"That wasn't too bad," Sirius shrugged. "Not compared to your mum, anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you see, we were really close friends, and sometimes I'd be over when you were hungry. So, she'd breast feed you and, well, I'm only human, Harry. I might have gotten caught peeking a few times. Lily would have your dad hit me with a body bind curse and then she'd slap the shit out of me once she was done taking care of you."
Harry laughed and shook his head.
"I think your godfather is going to be a bad influence on you," Padma groaned.
Parvati just giggled. "Like Harry could get that much worse."
"That wasn't the worst thing your mum ever did though," Sirius said.
"No?" Harry asked.
"Nope, see this one time I was over at your house. James had gone out for supplies. I heard you crying upstairs, so I went up to check on you. Now, Lily must not have realized that I was there. She had you sleeping in this little basket thing while she was in the shower. And she had left the bathroom door open. Just as I got there to pick you up, she pulled back the curtain and I got an eye full of your mum in all her glory. She banished me out into the hall- wandlessly, mind you- and came out wrapped in a towel a moment later.
"Now, you know how everyone acts like you-know-who was the scariest thing ever? Well, those people never saw Lily Potter when she was really pissed. She threatened me with castration, and to prove that she meant it, she used her wand to do the first half of the job. And that's why I only have one ball."
"So the moral of the story is don't ever make a woman angry," Parvati said, looking pointedly at Harry.
"Nope," Sirius disagreed even as he smiled at his godson. "The moral of the story is that it was totally worth it. That's how much of a fox your mum was."
"Well, from the pictures I've seen and the dream I had, I'll have to agree. It's too bad that this red-eyed monster dude showed up," Harry added.
"Red-eyed-"
"Yeah, then he hissed or something and there was this green light." Harry stopped and scratched his chin. "That's all I remember."
"Harry, that..." Sirius gulped and wiped at his face. "That sounds like it was you-know-who. You actually remember that night?"
"I dunno," he shrugged. "It was just a dream."
"Well, something of possibly even more importance," Padma interrupted and pointed over to a pile of black dust on the floor. "It seems that you killed a Dementor with your sword."
"I did?" Harry stood up and went over to the pile of ashes, which he poked at with his sword. "Was that the skeleton guy in a cloak?"
"That is sort of what they look like," Sirius replied.
"Too bad I passed out," Harry sighed. "Not even at school yet and I've already killed a monster, though. So, I guess things are off to a good start."
"Mr. Potter, miss Granger, please come with me." McG was waiting for them when they arrived at the entrance way of Hogwarts. "You can bring your mutt as well, I suppose."
"Woof!"
"I can't believe you've brought a dog with you," Hermione hissed. "They aren't allowed."
"Yeah, well, that one Weasley had a rat, and the announcer dude has a tarantula, so I'm guessing allowances are made," Harry shrugged. It was nice to have Hermione back around to get all fussy at him. She kinda reminded him of McG in that way, and he knew that he'd break down her guard & make her laugh one of these days. He'd already coaxed more than a few snorts and chuckles out of McG; Granger couldn't be that much more of a challenge. "Besides, Padfoot here is housebroken. Mostly."
Padfoot whined, but Harry chuckled as they kept walking towards the infirmary.
"Now then, I have private matters to deal with each of you," McG said.
"Ladies first," Harry offered. Hermione looked like she was torn between glaring and blushing at him- it was one of the most amusing expressions he'd seen yet on the girl.
"Wait right here then, Harry."
He nodded and reached down to scratch Sirius behind his ears. "I wonder what that's all about."
"Woof?"
"I don't know, Granger's the type where I wouldn't be surprised if she worked all summer on some huge extra credit project or something. The girl's way too uptight. She probably needs to be some guy's honey."
"Arf?"
"Nah, not me, bro. I have enough fun just trying to make her crazy. I think that yelling at me is bound to relieve some stress for her, and I do crazy awesome stuff all the time, which always drives her up the walls. You should have seen the way she was glaring at me when I was telling her all about how I got the sword and killed that huge ass snake and stuff."
Harry realized that the wheezing barking sound coming from Padfoot was how a dog laughed. A moment later, the two witches walked back over towards them, this time with the healer following along behind them.
"Am I to take it that you missed me that much, mister Potter?"
"You know I'm one of your biggest fans, Poppy," he grinned.
"Sit down on the bed, you little reprobate," she snorted.
"Do I need to take my shirt off?"
"Unlike some of the younger witches around here, I for one am not interested in that, Harry." As she began waving her wand around him, he noticed the way Granger was blushing up a storm. Maybe Parvati was right and she did have a little crush on him too. That made it even funnier that she was always calling him names and arguing with him.
"If you insist," he shrugged. "You know, if this is about that skeleton guy that I killed, the dude on the train already gave me and my honeys some chocolate."
"I'll have to thank Professor Lupin then," she replied. "It's about time we had someone who actually knew his Defense Against the Dark Arts around here."
"Hey, Professor McG did a great job last spring," Harry argued.
"Thank you, Harry. But I am glad to be getting back to Transfiguration."
"I mean, you're good at that too. It's too bad there isn't another of you- you don't have a sister or something, do you?"
Harry noticed Padfoot start rolling around on the floor, laughing again.
"No, Harry," McG smiled at him. "I have two brothers, but no sisters."
"Well, I bet they're alright dudes. You could get one of them to come teach the next time you need somebody."
"He's fine, Minerva," Poppy said as she finished her spells. "The children can be taken to the Feast. The dog, however-"
Padfoot started to whine.
"-is way too thin. I'd like to check him over. Thoroughly."
Harry nodded. "Sounds good to me. Stay here, Padfoot, and be good for Poppy. Should I come get him later?"
"I think he'll need to stay over night," she said with a smirk as she reached for a very large needle. "He'll need his shots. You can come fetch him in the morning."
And then Harry learned that a dog could faint too.
When they got their schedules the next day, Harry was glad to see that he had Charms, Transfiguration, Astronomy, and Herbology with the Ravenclaws and Padma. She had failed to talk Harry into taking either of her elective choices- the Study of Ancient Runes and Arithmancy- because they sounded boring and hard, respectively. Instead, he was taking Care of Magical Creatures and Divination, and Parvati had signed up for both as well. She had talked him into joining her for Divination, which sounded kinda iffy to him, but she agreed to join him for hanging out with monsters, so he figured it was a decent trade.
Even the book was a little monster- but Harry could be intimidating when he wanted, so he had both his and his honey's books cowed into submission.
Hagrid was the teacher that year, and that baffled Harry more than usual. Now, he did like the giant dude, but he had literally been sent to prison just a few months ago. It was just more proof that Thanos was right- the magical world was full of fucking crazy people. Judging by the headmaster's horrifying rainbow colored tube top declaring him a survivor of something called the 'Fire Island Disco Inferno, 1978' the insanity was on full display too.
Harry tried to shake that image off as they made their way outside to the edge of the forest where Hagrid was holding their first lesson. At least it was a nice day and he had Parvati beside him. In fact, it was too nice of a day, so Padfoot was being dragged along on his leash, although the dog was whining about it.
"Come on class, gather round," the giant dude's voice boomed out as he led them into a little clearing where there were a few of these wicked looking beasties- like a giant four legged eagle or something. Harry was wondering if he was going to get to use his sword again so soon. If so, this was definitely shaping up to be the best year ever.
Padfoot started to growl at the monster and Harry told him to sit and be good, which made him whine ever more.
"What is that thing, Hagrid?" Parvati asked.
"This is Buckbeak, and he is a hippogriff."
"It's pretty cool looking," Harry said. "I bet it could mess somebody up with those talons, right dude?"
"Aw, he's really jus' a big softie," Hagrid replied.
The screech that Buckbeak let out made Harry question his teacher, but he liked the big dude, so he was going to remain hopeful for the moment. Hagrid gave them a little lecture on hippogriffs, something about how they were proud creatures and you had to be polite when you approached them, giving them a bow that they would return if they respected you. It seemed fair to Harry- anything with talons big enough to rip a dude's head off deserved respect.
"Now, who would like to go first?" Hagrid asked.
Harry stepped forward with a grin. He knew this class sounded good, but this was already proving to be awesome. He handed Padfoot's leash over to Parvati. "I'll go."
"Good on yer, Harry," Hagrid smiled, putting an enormous hand on his shoulder and walking him over towards the hippogriff. "Beaky, I'd like ya to meet, Harry. Harry, say hello."
"Hey bro," Harry said as he bowed his head, keeping an eye on those talons. The creature responded by bowing back and Harry was then lifted into the air- he knew Hagrid was a strong dude, but he was still impressed by the fact that he did it with only one hand.
"I think he'd like to take ya on a little flight. Ready, Harry?"
"Yeah, dude."
Hagrid swatted the beast on its rump and it made a running start before lifting into the air. Harry smiled as the wind whipped through his hair. While it might not have been as smooth of a ride as his broom, it was still a rush. Plus, the feel of the monsters muscles propelling them with its massive wings was pretty cool too.
A few of the other students were cheering when Harry came back around and landed. He dismounted the hippogriff, and gave it a little nod which was returned before walking back over to his honey and his dog.
"Wasn't that scary?" Parvati asked.
Harry just winked at her and leaned down to steal a kiss. "Piece of cake, babe."
Padfoot barked happily next to him.
Their fun little moment was broken up when the whiny little brat Malfoy started thrashing around on the ground like he was being tortured. "Ah! It's killed me!"
"Class dismissed!" Hagrid called as he picked up the albino kid and headed for the castle.
"Well, that's a bummer," Harry said. "What even happened?"
Granger answered him. "Malfoy immediately started insulting the hippogriff as he walked over to it. He didn't even try to bow to it; he just kept muttering about how it couldn't be that hard if a 'muscle bound scarhead' could do it. His behavior is outrageous!"
"Look out Hermione, looks like you've got some competition with coming up with little 'pet names' for Harry," Lavender giggled.
"I ain't into dudes," Harry shook his head with a grimace. "But it does make sense. He's always following me around, trying to get my attention and stuff. And he does have two mums, so maybe it runs in the family or something."
"I might be willing to share with my sister, but I would not be willing to do so with a worm like Malfoy," Parvati replied as she frowned.
"You know, I think we could use a little cheering up," Harry grinned at his honey. "Since class ended early, what say we go inspect a broom closet before heading to lunch?"
Parvati smiled as she walked off on his arm back towards the castle. Padfoot followed along barking happily. Behind them, several girls sighed.
A couple of days later, Harry noticed a couple of odd things when he and Parvati got to Potions. Malfoy had his arm in a sling and Snape was sneering at the room as if he'd forgotten the last couple of years. He assigned some sort of nonsensical Potion about curing boils- Harry didn't even know what a boil was- and as if that wasn't bad enough, the greaseball decided to push try his luck yet again.
"Potter! Help Draco cut up his ingredients!"
Harry raised an eyebrow and sighed. He decided to be merciful though- he didn't want to make too big a mess for McG to have to clean up after all- so he didn't pull out his sword. His fists had communicated this lesson in the past. Maybe this time it would sink in.
He leapt to the front of the room and smashed greasy's face down into his desk, breaking his nose yet again. Malfoy was quivering in fright when he turned around, and he tried to get his arm out of the sling and reach for his wand, but Harry was much faster and seconds later the blond's nose had also been flattened by being rapidly introduced to the surface of the table he was supposed to be working at. The cracking sound wasn't as satisfying as when he did it to the sleazeball teacher, but the little albino brat didn't have nearly as big of a schnoz.
Harry had an awful feeling that he was going to have to continually remind those two annoyances to not be such arseholes the hard way.
On the plus side, it did give him an excuse to have a private meeting with McG again. It was always nice to see how she was doing. Of course, he was also still considering trying to get her laid even though the only new guy in the school was Lupin and his pedo mustache.
That... or maybe Sirius. Once he was cleared, Harry had a feeling that locking his godfather in a room with a bottle of fire whiskey and a woman would have pretty funny results. But at the same time, he didn't think he would want to do something so mean to McG.
Unfortunately, he saw Malfoy wearing the sling again at dinner later that evening, going on and on to this bored looking Slytherin girl about how he had bravely fought off the hippogriff. Harry got up and walked over to see just what sort of nonsense the little albino prat was trying to pull this time. Knowing they would likely need to keep him from doing anything too rash, his honeys followed along
"Draco, for the last time, I was there! I'm in the same class as you," the dark haired girl growled.
"What's with the sling, Malfoy?" Harry asked.
"I suffered a terrible injury," he whined. "Who knows how long it may take to heal?"
Harry let out an exasperated breath. The little ponce was unbelievable sometimes. "Were you born this way? You know, completely full of it? Or is it something you learned from one of your mums?"
"I only have one mum," Malfoy replied with a glare.
"Right."
Professor McG walked down the aisle with the greaseball hot on her tail. Like usual, she had excellent timing. "What seems to be the problem here, Harry?"
"I was just thinking back to last year, Professor."
"How so?"
"Well, after that idiot vanished all the bones in my arm, Madam Pomfrey was able to have me all fixed up by the time I woke up the next day. And yet," Harry turned to the arrogant little douchebag with a smirk. "For some reason, Malfoy seems to be trying to say she can't do her job. That or he's just lying in order to try to get sympathy or something. But I don't think that Poppy's honor or skills should be so rudely... um..."
"Besmirched," Padma suggested.
"Yeah, what she said," Harry nodded.
"You have a good point, Harry," McG grinned at him. "Well, Mr. Malfoy, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"My arm was... a savage beast slashed me!" he whined.
"First of all, I saw that little scratch, and I know for a fact that it was cleaned up without even leaving a scar within at most a minute from when you reached the infirmary. Would you like to try a different excuse?"
"When my father hears of this..." Draco muttered.
"Yes, yes, I'm sure Luscious Malfoy-"
"I believe you mean Lucius, Minerva," greasy interrupted.
McG winked at Harry and then turned to her 'colleague' with a scowl. "I suppose you have done plenty of business with the Malfoys over the years, haven't you Severus? Regardless, Mr. Malfoy will remove that sling at once and he will serve detention tonight with Poppy. I believe she has a number of bed pans that could use cleaning, and since Mr. Malfoy's arm is perfectly healthy, he should have no trouble in doing the work by hand."
"But-" Malfoy hung his shoulders and looked like he wanted to cry.
"And fifty points from Slytherin for insulting a staff member," McG added. "Now then, Harry, I think you should escort these two lovely ladies back to your seats. I've heard there's going to be a lovely plum pudding for dessert tonight."
"Thanks, Professor," he grinned.
Harry's other elective wasn't nearly as cool as Hagrid's monster lessons, but Parvati liked it a lot, so he tried his best to enjoy it. The day when they did palm reading was fun though- especially since that meant that he had a teacher's permission to play with his honey in class. She was shivering and blushing as Harry slowly traced his fingers over her hands, predicting that she would soon excel at a physical activity.
He planned on stopping by a broom closet once the lesson was finished, so it was very likely to come true.
Sitting at the next table, Lavender was sighing over how romantic it was. Meanwhile, Longbottom was blushing and wishing that he had joined Hermione on the other side of the room.
However, the first lesson hadn't gone so well. The hippy lady with all the shawls that reeked of incense had them start off with reading tea leaves. Right off the bat, Harry thought that was kinda silly- dirty dishes didn't seem like the best way to try to see into the future.
But when the lady came over with her huge glasses that made her look like some sort of demented bug, she leaned over Harry's shoulder and gasped at what she saw. "You have... The Grim!"
She wrapped her shawls around herself and backed away in terror.
Harry cocked his head to the side, wondering if she was going to faint. "Um, yeah, professor. I know. He's right here. Didn't I introduce my dog to the class?"
Padfoot woke up as Harry prodded him with his shoe. After letting out a happy little bark, the lazy mutt laid back down and curled up for another nap. Most of the room started to laugh as Harry was left to once again wonder just how many witches and wizards were nuts. Because it seemed like the answer was nearly all of them.
The Dementors had been recalled to Azkaban prison. By the beginning of October, the Daily Prophet led with a story about Pettigrew's trial, revealing not only how he had faked his death and framed Sirius, but also how he had been the one to betray the Potters. The rat was sentenced to life for multiple counts of murder.
However, due to the typical bureaucratic malarkey, it took another week before an announcement was made that Sirius was no longer to be kissed by the Dementors. And it took another week after that before this stern looking lady wearing a monocle showed up at Hogwarts during lunch.
"Mr. Potter, I presume?"
"That's me," Harry nodded. "What can I do for you, dude?"
"Harry!" Padma hissed at him. "That's Amelia Bones, the head of the DMLE. You do not call her dude."
"I call everybody dude, except for you sweet honeys and McG," he protested. "Anyway, what's up?"
"There are rumors that you not only helped capture the traitor Pettigrew, but that you may also know where your errant godfather is," Madam Bones replied. "We would like to get Sirius Black's testimony about what happened to him and then clear up his wrongful imprisonment."
"Okay," Harry shrugged. He stopped scratching Padfoot behind the ear and stood up. "Let me show you a couple of tricks I taught my dog. Padfoot, sit!"
The black dog sat back on his haunches and straightened up.
"Good boy, now speak!"
A happy bark followed.
"Cool. Alright, last one. Turn into a dude!"
A number of gasps followed as Harry's dog turned into the famous prison escapee who grinned at all the shocked faces. "Hey there, Amy. Long time, no see."
"Sirius Black, you bastard," she growled. "Considering the last time I saw you was when my brother was threatening to castrate you, I should probably follow through on his threat."
"Hey, it's not my fault that Edgar was such a stiff. Eleanor wouldn't have needed so much serious attention otherwise. And speaking of being stiff..."
"I swear, Black, that if you try to hit on me, I will turn you back into a dog and take you to a vet."
"Fine, fine," Sirius said with a smile. "But if you change your mind, you know where to find me." He turned around to Harry and patted him on the shoulder. "Well lad, I'll be going for now. Now, don't do anything I wouldn't do. And remember my motto- there's no such thing as too much fun, too much booze, or too many women."
"Later, dude," Harry replied.
As the crowd went back to eating, he noticed that Padma grabbed his hand and was staring at him. "Just for the record, Harry- there is such a thing as too many women. Unless you're no longer interested in broom closet inspections, that is."
"Don't get mad, honey," he grinned back at her, kissing the back of her hand with a wink. "That wasn't my motto, you know?"
"Good boy."
"I asked Professor McGonagall about Sirius," Parvati said. "She told me some of the things he got up to back when he was a student, and she said there were even worse things that she wouldn't inflict on someone so young. So, what exactly would be the point of telling you not to do anything he wouldn't do?"
"I think he meant not to take anything too seriously," Harry answered with a shrug.
"Fat chance of that," Parvati giggled.
The first quidditch match of the season was kind of a mixed bag for Harry. On the downside, it took place during a huge thunderstorm, which meant he got soaked to the bone. For once, he had to admit that maybe customizing his uniform to be sleeveless wasn't the best idea.
On the plus side though, Malfoy got zapped by a lightning bolt and lit up like a cartoon. Harry was laughing so hard that he almost missed grabbing the snitch a moment later.
Getting out of his soaking wet clothes and enjoying a hot shower was a nice treat before the actual victory party. His two honeys waiting for him at the celebration in the Gryffindor common room was an ever better one.
"Alright class, I have something special planned for today. This lesson will be very hands on, so grab your wands and line up."
Harry was torn about that year's Defense teacher. On the one hand, Lupin seemed to know his stuff and he was going over all these cool sounding monsters that Harry would love to have to battle someday. Plus, Sirius had told him all about how they were bros along with his dad and stuff.
On the other hand though, he had that terrible pedo mustache.
There was this big warbrobe shaking and rattling, as if something was inside it. Lupin started talking about how this monster that turned into your greatest fear, and Harry had to wonder what that would be for him. Maybe Luscious and Draco trying to seduce him? That family was just so creepy and more than a little too obsessed with him.
Longbottom somehow got in the front of the line, and Harry frowned when the poor little guy admitted that he was terrified of the Potions greaseball. He'd have to try and remember to mention it to McG sometime- surely a school had to have some sort of standards about teachers acting... you know, at least sort of professionally? Then again, after that smarmy lying conman from the year before, Harry didn't think it would be wise to get his hopes up.
When Parvati's turn came, he saw that the boggart turned into a bloodstained mummy, and Harry wondered about that for a moment. Shouldn't an undead not have any blood left? Then again, maybe the blood was from the mummy's victim? It was something to think about, and he'd have to remember not to watch any horror movies with her that starred that sort of monster.
Once the mummy tripped over its bandages and rolled around on the floor for a moment, Harry took a step forward and prepared to deal with whatever would happen next. As it shifted form, he then saw himself...
Only, it was a very different Harry Potter. He was lounging on a couch in a shirt caked in crumbs and grease, a remote control lying next to him as he devoured a huge tub of ice cream. But the worst part was, not only did he not have any muscles, but he was even fatter than uncle Vernon and Dudley combined. The fat slob looked over at him and grunted before sticking his face back into the ice cream.
"Dude, come on, get your lazy butt up," Harry grumbled.
"Remember the spell, Harry," Professor Pedo-stache said.
"Right, yeah." He had to force himself not to reach for his sword and just gut this horrifying vision. Instead, he found his wand and tried to think of something funny. It took him a moment, but then he finally came up with it. "Riddukulus!"
The fat slob version of Harry was forced to his feet where he started doing jumping jacks.
The class laughed along, but Harry swore to himself that he would never allow something like that to happen to him. The very idea of being anything at all like Vernon Dursley was bad enough, but no longer being a badass dude with his twin honeys and his sweet sword was even worse. He'd show that stupid boggart- Harry Potter would be so damn cool and ripped that the world would stand in awe of him.
"Hey, sis, have you noticed how Harry has been acting kind of weird lately?" Parvati asked one day at the end of dinner.
"Weirder than usual you mean?" Padma snorted.
"Yeah, but..." Parvati sighed. "He didn't even wait for us to finish eating before running off to work out more. Plus, he must have eaten like twenty pounds of meat."
"I know," Padma frowned.
"He also hasn't touched a dessert ever since that day with the boggart," Parvati added. "I think we need to talk to him."
"I just hope we can find him. You know how he is- I wouldn't put it past Harry to go do something dangerous in some hidden room that we've never heard of." Padma rubbed her eyes wearily. "Dating him is harder than it looks sometimes."
"Yeah, but just remember the perks," her sister added with a grin.
"You better be right about that parseltongue thing," Padma muttered as the twins got up and left the Great Hall.
They started their search up in the Gryffindor tower, and sure enough, Harry was once again using the enchanted space down in his trunk where he had his personal gym set up. He was drenched in sweat as he sat on some sort of machine and repeatedly did this sort of sitting motion- even Padma was too distracted to really pay attention to whatever it was called. Harry was shirtless and glistening and both girls's hormones were very, very appreciative of their boyfriend right then.
Parvati moaned as she stepped closer, with Harry pausing and standing up to take a break.
"What's up, my honeys?"
One of Parvati's hands slowly reached out to touch his stomach, her fingers rubbing over the bumpy muscles. "What are these called?"
"That's my six pack," he replied with a grin. "Abs, you know."
"As in abdominal muscles," Padma nodded, absent minded of the slight bit of drool that was escaping her lips. "Very impressive, Harry."
"Thanks, babe." Harry shrugged for a moment and both girls watched the sweat run down his torso. "If I work hard enough, I hope to be able to get up to an eight pack by next year. I don't know if there's such a thing as a ten pack. That'd be cool though."
"Yummy," Parvati groaned as her hand slid further up his chest and began to squeeze his shoulders.
"Sis!" Padma hissed. Thankfully, she was able to control herself enough to remember why they were there. "We need to talk to you, Harry."
"About what?"
"We're worried about you. Parvati told me about your boggart."
"Yeah, fat lazy guy. Like that would ever be me," he scoffed. "I'm going to be so fit and buff that I'll win strong man contests and Mr. Universe and stuff like that. All will see my muscles and bow down before my might!"
"Uh huh," Parvati agreed with a moan as she was now behind him and admiring his back.
Padma groaned at her sister's lack of impulse control. Why did she always have to be the responsible one? "Harry, how much time have you spent working out today?"
"Five and a half hours. But there's still plenty of time before bed, so-"
"That's enough," Padma interrupted him. "You don't need to push yourself so hard. And don't think we haven't noticed how you've changed your diet, either. If you work yourself to death, then we won't be your honeys anymore, and that will mean we won't be able to have any more fun snogging times. You like broom closet time, don't you?"
"Yeah."
"Then I need for you to ease up, okay?"
"I guess."
Padma sighed. It looked like she was going to have to bring out the big guns. "Harry, you know we love you, right?"
"Well..." Harry blushed. Padma had never seen him blush before, but she reminded herself that somewhere underneath the muscle bound exterior, this was still an orphaned boy who probably needed more blunt and direct affection than most people.
"I guess I am pretty awesome," he grinned.
"Good boy," Padma said. "Now, why don't you go take a shower and get cleaned up. You can escort me back to my dorm and we can stop to inspect the broom closet on the sixth floor."
"Alright."
Once Harry climbed out, offering his hands to help both of his honeys get out of his fancy trunk, she pulled Parvati over to the side and glared at her. "You were supposed to help!"
"I'm sorry, but did you look at him?" Parvati giggled. "I just can't help myself around him sometimes. You know, maybe he needs help in the shower?"
"You are unbelievable," Padma growled.
"Sorry, sis."
"No, you're not," Padma replied with a glare, but her sister only giggled in response.
Author's Note: Hope you're all having a good holiday season! Happy Winter Solstice, Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Boxing Day, New Year, etc.
I originally was thinking that I might have all of year 3 in one installment, but I kept writing more and more, so I decided to break it in half (ish). I wanted to get an update out before the holidays and I haven't finished the rest of it. Plus, the idea of a twenty thousand word update for a parody crackfic just seems a little too strange. I should have the rest done sometime in January.
Till next time my friends!
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