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Does Voldemort Even Lift, Bro? by zugrian
 Harry Potter & Marvel Xover Rated: T, English, Humor & Parody, Harry P., Parvati P., Padma P., Thanos, Words: 48k+, Favs: 565, Follows: 702, Published: Jul 13 Updated: 11h ago 168Chapter 3: Year 2-- Everybody Must Get Stoned
Disclaimer: If only canon Dumbledore were truly this high all the time, some of his actions would make a lot more sense.
Author's Note: For those of you who are only familiar with Thanos & the Infinity Stones from the MCU, I'm going with the classic colors before they changed them for the movies for some damn reason. I grew up on too many comics, games, & whatnot with the originals. Therefore:
Power is Red
Space is Purple
Reality is Yellow
Time is Orange
Mind is Blue
Soul is Green
Also, no this story does not take place in the MCU or cross over with any of the movies. Enjoy!
Harry had just gotten back to his room after showering. It had been a long day of hard work, but he was pretty damn sure that he'd be able to break his record for the benchpress by the end of summer. Everything seemed normal enough- the window was open as he was waiting for his owl to get back from visiting his honeys, the Patil twins. He'd sent them a letter a couple of days before and Sammie had been told to wait and come back with their response. The girls loved his owl anyway- she was pretty striking looking, and Sammie liked the extra attention.
Harry hadn't really thought of it before hand but having sisters as his two honeys also had the added benefit on cutting down on his letter writing. He wasn't the best at expressing himself that way; he was more of a person to person, face to face kind of guy.
Sammie came screeching in through the window with a piece of parchment clutched in one sharp-taloned foot while the other was dragging along this strange little humanoid creature that was bleeding but still kicking.
"Sammie, I think if you were trying to show off your skills as a hunter, you're normally only supposed to bring in things you've finished killing," Harry said as the creature was dropped on the floor next to his bed. The owl barked loudly and landed over on his desk, sticking out her foot and waiting for him to remove the letter. "Thanks girl."
"M-m-mister Harry P-p-potter must listen to Dobby," the little bloody guy moaned as he tried to stand up.
"What's a Dobby? Is that your name?"
"Dobby is a house-elf, sir."
"Okay, um, cool I guess. So, what do you want, little dude?"
"Dobby was trying to stop the great Harry Potter's mail."
"Why would you do that? Man, that was seriously dumb, bro. You're lucky Sammie didn't take one of your eyes out. She's kinda awesome that way, you should have seen what she did to this rat she caught last week. I'm not squeamish about blood, but damn. She messed that thing up like crazy, you know?"
"Dobby was trying to protect the great Harry Potter! Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
"Yeah, that sounds like crazy talk." Harry shook his head, poor little guy was obviously nuts. "Do you have any idea how awesome last year was at Hogwarts? I got to fight a troll, I got to play this wacky game called quidditch, I had these two awesome honeys, and I got to punch a guy to death. Like, his face just turned to dust from me punching him. It was so cool. Why wouldn't I want to go back there?"
"There is a great danger coming to Hogwarts this fall," Dobby pleaded. "Harry Potter must not be harmed, so Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts."
"Look, dude, it's nice that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself."
"But mister Harry Potter sir-"
"Relax, little dude. Why don't you just go back to whatever it is you house-elves do, and I'll deal with whatever danger might be headed my way, alright?"
"Dobby will find another way then," the elf said before disappearing with a pop.
"Yep, looks like it's gonna be another weird year."
It was the next month before the weirdness hit again though- this time when Harry had taken a train into London to get his school supplies. Diagon Alley was packed, which was odd for a random Tuesday morning.
"Harry!"
The two matching voices caught his attention and he turned to see his honeys smiling as they came over to see him. They looked even prettier than he had remembered, and he was really glad they had made it back from their Indian vacation in time to meet him for this little shopping trip.
"Ladies," he smiled as he took one hand of each and kissed the back, having spotted their mum following in their wake. She grinned at his manners and he grinned at the fact that he had just now realized that their mum was a total babe. He'd heard that girls tended to grow up to resemble their mums, so he now realized that he had chosen well.
"So, what's all the fuss about today?" he asked.
"Gilderoy Lockhart is having a book signing," Parvati answered.
"Who's that?"
"He's our new Defense teacher," Padma said with a frown.
"Is that a bad thing?" Harry wondered.
"He's too much of a smiling dandy for me to buy into his legend," Padma replied. "People that travel the world fighting dangerous monsters don't look like fops."
"Oh, so he's handsome, so what?" Parvati said. "Harry's handsome, and he did all sorts of crazy stuff last year."
"Let's look at how Harry's dressed," Padma motioned to him and Harry smiled back. He looked damn good if he said so- tight jeans, trainers, and a muscle tee of course, to show off the guns.
"I'm looking," Parvati nodded, as she stepped closer and ran her fingers over his bicep and up to his shoulders. "Did you get even bigger?"
"I've had plenty of time to work out."
"I'll say," she whispered.
"You look nice too," he responded with a grin.
"Thanks."
"Girls, shall we try to make our way inside before the crowd gets even worse?" Mrs. Patil asked.
"Good idea, Mrs. Patil," Harry nodded. "Allow me to clear a path."
He swept his hair out of his eyes just a bit (and making sure the scar was easy to spot for the bleating sheep) and strode forward with his arm muscles tensed to highlight the fact that the big dog was back in the yard. Harry was getting a little better with metaphors- Thanos having shown him how a Rottweiler took care of business helped with his ideas of what badasses big dogs could be.
He wasn't sure if he would be able to tear someone's throat out with his teeth, though. Maybe he'd get a chance to find out one of these days.
"It's Harry Potter!"
One of the throng spotted him quickly enough and people turned to stare while also shouting our greetings and parting before him. Harry grinned, waved, and pulled a honey under each arm. Sometimes, things were really easy.
By the time they were inside the bookstore, things got a lot more confined, as the crowd no longer had anywhere to go.
"Girls, I trust you have your list?"
"Yes, mum," Padma replied.
"Good," she nodded before turning to Harry. "Can I ask you to watch out for my girls, Mr. Potter?"
"Of course, Mrs. Patil," he answered with a grin before taking her hand and kissing the back of it. "And please, call me Harry."
"Then go on, you little charmer," she smiled back. "I'll be waiting in line, so try not to take too long."
Parvati giggled while she and Padma pulled Harry off into the shelves full of books. "Mum has decided she likes you. Our father still doesn't approve, but I think that's a good thing."
"Why?"
"Dating a guy that our father approved of would be awful," Parvati replied. "And so boring."
"Dad's pretty traditional," Padma added. "You're not a pureblood, you're not Indian, and just look at how you dress."
"Too awesome for him to handle?" Harry said with a grin.
"Too muggle, and too much like a ruffian," Parvati said. "I think that's part of your appeal though."
"Thanks, I do try."
"I'm not sure if you noticed, but Lockhart has put all of his novels on the school list," Padma said as she started pulling books down and piling them in Harry's arms. "Mum had a copy of Wanderings with Werewolves and it was utterly ridiculous. Our parents have already agreed that Parvati and I can share one set, you can join that if you like, Harry. I don't believe for one second that the class will be at all useful this year."
"Okay," he shrugged. "Can't be worse than the stuttering idiot last year. He gave me a bloody headache all the time, and then he tried to mess with one of my honeys."
"I still can't believe that you didn't get in trouble for that," Padma frowned.
"He even got points for being so heroic and dashing," Parvati said with a giggle. "It's no wonder we won the house cup. Don't be jealous, sis. It could have been those jerks from Slytherin instead."
"Yes, but you would think he would have at least been interviewed by someone from the ministry," Padma replied. "No one seems to care that we had a possessed teacher- nor that he died. Call me crazy, but I would think that would be kind of a big deal."
"I'm already kind of a big deal," Harry smirked. "Me defeating a bad guy, again, is just what's to be expected. If anything, they should have had a story in the papers about that troll I fought- that was more impressive. The stuttering spaz wasn't nearly as much of a challenge."
They had wandered closer to the front of the store by then and after a flash of a camera, Harry was spotted by a grinning blonde guy who quickly headed for him. "Merlin's beard, can that be Harry Potter?"
He should have swept his hair back down, but now he could see what Padma meant- this dude was a total fop. Nice teeth though- he'd better hope that he wouldn't need any of Harry's lessons.
Lockhart made his way through the crowd and motioned for the camera man to follow him. He smiled this huge smarmy smile and threw an arm over Harry's shoulders- or part way around his shoulders at least. They were pretty damn thick by now.
"For those of you who haven't heard the wonderful news," Lockhart began as the camera flashed again, "I have been approached to help inspire young minds this year by becoming the new professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at dear old Hogwarts. Harry will be one of my lucky new students come September first. And, since I am feeling magnanimous, he will also be receiving a signed copy of my entire works, entirely free of charge. After all, we do owe such a debt to our beloved boy-who-lived, do we not? Come, Harry, let's smile for the papers. This is bound to make the front page!"
Harry dropped his stack of books and flexed both arms as Lockhart smiled like a buffoon next to him. He'd be curious to see which of them got the bigger response. Parvati had told him that he had a nice smile, but no one in the magical world could stack up to Harry's gun show.
Parvati was laughing at him while her sister merely rolled her eyes. They might look alike, but they could act pretty damn different. That was okay though; Harry liked having some way to be able to tell them apart.
As the three of them made their way back towards Mrs. Patil, who was still waiting in line, Harry heard a voice call out his name behind him.
"So, the famous Harry Potter can't even go to a bookstore without people fawning all over him," the little albino kid whined.
"Don't be jealous, Malfoy," Harry answered with a smile. "Some people are just more likable than others. I'm sure you'll make a friend one of these days. There's bound to be someone that you could bribe with some of that 'Daddy's money' that you're always going on about."
"Draco, haven't I told you to play nicely?"
Harry turned and saw a woman sauntering over to him with long blonde hair, pouty lips, and... for some reason, what looked to be a pimp cane?
"Lucius Malfoy," she said, introducing herself.
"Damn, dude! Your mum is hot!" Harry smiled at the woman while both of his honeys started to laugh. "I don't know about a name like Luscious though- sounds a bit like a stripper. Or a prostitute. You might want to use a different name in public. Especially if your pimp finds out that you've stolen his cane. From what I've heard, they don't like it when their women don't act a certain way. I'd be careful about that, Mrs. Malfoy. But, I guess I can see how your family has so much money."
"I am Draco's father," Luscious hissed with a sneer. "Perhaps, you need better glasses, Potter."
"Are you sure? I mean, with the way you sashayed over here to talk to me..." Harry shook his head and took a step back. "Look, either way, I've already got two sweet honeys, and they're both more than pretty enough that I don't need an older woman getting interested in me. Why don't you try someone your own age? I'd bet Lockhart would be interested in being shown a good time, if you know what I mean."
Harry kept backing away as Parvati glomped onto his side while giggling.
"This isn't over, Potter!" Both Draco and his mum were scowling at him now, but Harry left without any further trouble. A moment later, he heard them try to get into an argument with about a dozen redheads.
"I don't know if that was smart, Harry," Padma warned. "You might want to be careful around the Malfoys. They could be trouble."
"Did you really think that was his mum?" Parvati laughed. "Maybe you do need new glasses?"
"Are you sure it wasn't?" Harry replied. "Maybe he has two mums, and he's snotty all the time because people make fun of him for it. I've heard of that sort of thing. I mean, I wouldn't see that as a bad thing. You can't pick your family, no matter how much I might have wanted to in the past."
"Really?"
"Yeah, the muggles I live with are kinda weird. They seem to be scared of me, for some reason."
"I'll bet," Parvati giggled.
"Let me guess," Padma said. "Have you ever had to teach them lessons- perhaps about privileges, and teeth?"
"Yeah, my cousin had to learn that lesson the hard way. Dumb bastard. And my uncle tried to take his belt to me." Harry chuckled for a moment. "My magic might have 'accidentally' nearly choked him out with it."
"They don't sound very nice," Padma frowned. "Are you okay there?"
"Sure," Harry shrugged. "I spend most of my time in the summer at the gym anyway. That's where I met my mentor, the Thicc Daddy."
"The Thick Daddy?" Padma asked.
"No, Thicc Daddy," Harry corrected her. "He's this really big dude named Thanos. Some people act kinda weird around him too, but he's taught me a lot over the years. I wouldn't be as strong as I am without his guidance. He's given me some great advice about the magical world too."
"Is he a wizard?" Padma wondered.
"No, but he knows about it and stuff."
"He must be a squib then." Padma thought for a moment. "Either that, or he's related to a muggleborn."
"Maybe," Harry shrugged. They had finally rejoined Mrs. Patil.
"Hey mum," Parvati said. "This line is pretty bad. Do you mind if we go next door to get some ice cream while we wait?"
"Only if you stay there until I'm finished," Mrs. Patil answered. "And order me a sundae as well."
"I'd be delighted to escort your lovely daughters there, ma'am," Harry said with a smile. "I'll be certain to save you a seat, as well."
"Take good care of my daughters, Harry," she teased him right back.
"Of course."
People were staring as they made their way through King's Cross Station, although for once it wasn't at Harry. While he might have been unusually strong for a twelve year old, he didn't stand out nearly as much as a huge purple guy with a single golden glove on his hand.
"So, what did you want to tell me about before I left?" Harry asked.
"Did you notice the new stone?" the Thicc Daddy replied as he lifted his glove.
"Purple this time," Harry nodded.
"The first was about Power, this is about Space," Thanos' voice rumbled.
"Is that why people aren't crowding around us?" Harry wondered.
"It's much more than that, little dude," Thanos chuckled. "Think more cosmically."
"Like Star Wars?" Harry asked. He had finally gotten a chance to watch all three movies, as Thanos wanted to impress upon him all the mistakes that Vader and the Emperor made. What really stood out to Harry though was the slave girl outfit that Princess Leia had worn in the last one. He really, really needed to figure out a way to talk his honeys into dressing up like that sometime soon.
"Sort of. I need four more to complete the set."
"Yeah, then your glove will be all pimped out, right?" Harry asked. "Are they all going to be different colors?"
"Yes, they are."
"Cool."
"I believe we've arrived, Harry," Thanos said as they stopped near the brick wall between platforms nine and ten.
"Yep."
"Remember: you've got to work hard to be hard."
"I know," Harry nodded.
"Good boy." The Thicc Daddy tousled his hair and gave him a small push. "Off you go then. I expect to hear of great deeds when you return next summer."
"Right," Harry said as he ran towards the wall, only to come crashing to a halt a second later. "What the hell?"
"Is this the right one?" Thanos asked as he looked down.
"Yeah, but it won't let me through," Harry muttered as he stood up and used his hands to push against the bricks.
"Maybe it was that little Dobby creature," Thanos said. "Be warned, Harry. Even physically small creatures can be dangerous if they have unusual powers. Don't take any of your enemies for granted until they're buried under the ground."
Harry nodded in agreement. "What do I do now though?"
Thanos stepped closer and put his ungloved hand on Harry's shoulder. "Space, Harry," he said with a grin as he raised the Infinity Gauntlet and the purple stone began to glow. One second later, they had teleported onto a different platform and Harry saw the Hogwarts' express.
"Thanks."
"No problem."
"Well, I don't want to keep my honeys waiting," Harry said.
"Till next we meet."
The beginning of Harry's second year brought about a strange feeling of deja vu. Not only did Malfoy prance down the train looking for him again, having to be reminded about how he should keep his mouth shut if he wanted to keep his teeth, but then Potions began with the greasy sleazebag trying to pull the same shit too. Harry wondered for a moment about how crooked that huge beak of a nose could be broken by slamming it into his desk for the second straight year.
Maybe some people just had really short memories? Either that, or half the school seemed to have some odd sort of selective amnesia.
His lovely honeys didn't though, and Harry was very happy about that during his first few days. Sadly, they only had two classes with Padma that year- Astronomy and Charms- so Harry was going to make sure they spent plenty of time with her outside of class.
McG was also doing well, and thankfully, she didn't seem to have forgotten everything about one of her favorite students. She also thanked him for discretion in only breaking the sleazy jerk's nose and not snapping his wand this time. Harry had to admit that he had been so distracted by the fun crunchy sound that he'd forgotten to do that as well, but he would keep it in mind for the future. She grinned as she escorted him out of her office and down to dinner that night.
The girls were waiting for him, this time sitting at the Ravenclaw table, and Harry gave them both smiles as he sat down.
For her part, Minerva kept smirking at the greasy- Severus, she corrected herself, recognizing with fondness that young Harry was rubbing off on her- that the pitiful excuse for a teacher was having trouble eating that night with the large bandage over the middle of his face. She had a feeling that Poppy had treated him the way he deserved, and Minerva decided the two of them might want to share a glass of wine after dinner, in order to check on her theory as well as finding out how the healer's summer had been.
Things started to get weird again when Harry and Parvati had their first Defense lesson. Padma had already warned them that Lockhart was a pompous buffoon, since she'd had the class a couple of days before, but Harry was trying to go in with an open mind.
For a good reason too- here was a new older guy in the school, and maybe, just maybe, Harry would complete one of his goals at Hogwart: finding a decent guy for Professor McG. Admittedly, Lockhart wasn't super macho looking, but then no one in the magical world really was, other than Hagrid. And that hadn't worked out last year, much to his chagrin.
When they arrived at the classroom, Harry noticed that the first row was already full of most of the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff girls even though class wouldn't begin for another ten minutes. Parvati giggled at Harry's confused frown.
"Just because my sister doesn't like him, doesn't mean all the other girls feel the same," she said with a smirk. "Look, even Hermione is right down front next to Susan Bones. I guess maybe she's found the type of guy that she's into."
"Dude, that's not cool." Harry shook his head. "If Lockhart's into young girls, I might have to teach him a lesson."
"Something about teeth being a privilege I would guess."
"Yeah, and from the way he smiles all the time, I'd think it would be a lesson that would really sink in," Harry replied with a growl.
"Down boy, we'll see how the class goes first," Parvati grinned.
"Okay." Harry scratched his head as they found a place to sit. "Why aren't you acting like them?"
"I've already found a beefcake of my own," she smiled as he pulled out a chair for her. "Plus, I've already started training you, so I wouldn't want all my hard work to be wasted on some other girl, now would I? Besides, I've seen you shirtless, and somehow, I doubt Lockhart would measure up."
"Yeah, that's pretty unlikely," Harry nodded. "You know, you kind of owe me though."
"What do you mean?"
"I haven't seen you shirtless yet."
"Harry!" Parvati yelped, and only Lavender turned around briefly, waving happily at them. "That's hardly the same thing, and you know it."
"I guess," he shrugged. A grin came over his face as he went for his follow up, an idea that he'd had for a long time now. "But, I think you could wear something for me. You know, if you really care about me."
He threw in a little sad pout, and Parvati sighed at him. "What do you want me to wear, exactly?"
"You know how in movies and shows on the telly the cool jock dude is always dating a hot cheerleader, right?"
"I guess..."
"Well, I am a star quidditch player, and you are my pretty little honey, so..."
"I'll think about it," she said as she chewed on her lip for a moment. "What about Padma?"
"She'd probably want to have a different outfit since she's in Ravenclaw."
"Maybe not, Padma does cheer for you more than her own house," Parvati responded. "I don't think she cares that much about quidditch in general. That way, we could still match, and we don't want her to feel left out."
"You're a good sister," Harry grinned.
"Uh huh, I'm sure that's what's on your mind right now," Parvati teased as the door opened again and a few of the boys started to come in, filling the classroom up. "We'll talk more later about this."
"Cool. Will you do me a favor?"
"What?"
"Help me out with our impressions of this new teacher dude," Harry replied.
"Why?"
"I'm still on my quest from last year."
"What quest?"
"Finding a good man so Professor McG can be someone's honey."
Parvati snorted at him, rolling her eyes even as she asked, "I don't know if she even wants that, Harry."
"But you and Padma are happy being my honeys, aren't you?"
"Most of the time," she smirked.
"McG is like the best teacher we've got, and I want to see her happy too. Besides, I got to see her duel with the greasy jerk at the end of last year. She's a bad mamajama! It was awesome."
"Hush now, you," Parvati said with a smile as the door at the front of the room opened. Harry was too much of a goofball for her to stay annoyed with him for too long- and a part of her really did like the idea of being the hot cheerleader that was dating Harry, who was pretty obviously the big man on campus. Not that she was going to admit that to him any time soon. She'd make him wait for a little while before her consideration turned into a yes.
She also needed to figure out how to talk Padma into it, which might be the hardest part.
"Can everybody see me?" Lockhart began as he sauntered into the room, smarmy smile in place. Parvati rolled her eyes as she heard multiple sighs coming from the front row. What an idiot; Padma was right.
And the class only went downhill from there.
Fact: Lockhart was both stupid and useless, as proved with how he let loose a bunch of Cornish Pixies and then fled the room.
Fact: Harry had a possessive streak, hence why he 'wasn't going to let any little blue bastards grab one of his honeys.' This might have normally made Parvati swoon a little, but...
Fact: Cornish Pixies have blue blood, something she didn't know previously, and something she wouldn't have minded not ever having to know.
Fact: Harry had now punched yet another thing to death in front of her. Several of them, in fact.
Therefore, she made him go take a shower and clean all the Pixie mess off. Padma could have plenty of Harry time tonight. Parvati headed for Madam Pomfrey, hoping she would have something to help keep her from feeling so nauseous.
"Hi, Harry!"
A voice practically squealed at him as he sat down in the common room one evening. He looked up and saw a little redheaded girl with freckles gazing adoringly at him with this huge smile on her face.
"I'm Ginny. Ginny Weasley," she said as she stuck out her hand in front of her.
Now, a part of him was wondering why Parvati had to pick this moment to run off to the loo and leave him to deal with this strange new girl. But at the same time, a fan that clearly idolized him was fitting. After all, how many kids at Hogwarts had killed a professor before? Probably not many.
There was that business with the Dark Lord too- old what's his name.
Might as well enjoy the adoration was his final decision. Therefore he kissed the back of her hand, and little Ginny Weasley practically glowed in response. "A pleasure to meet you, miss Weasley."
"Oh my god, oh my god," she replied, starting to hyperventilate. "I can't believe I'm finally talking to you. I mean, of course I am, because you're you, and this is so amazing! I've read all your books."
"My books?" Harry scratched his head for a moment. "Dude, I haven't written any books."
"I know, I mean the books about you." Ginny blushed again before continuing. "You're even more handsome than the books made you out to be. And so muscular!"
She licked her lips, and Parvati picked that moment to return. "What are you doing, Weasley? Hands off the merchandise!"
Parvati pushed her way past the other girl and sat down right on Harry's lap. She had to adjust her position too, and Harry held in a groan because it felt really, really nice.
"I was just saying hello." Ginny glared right back at Parvati.
"You've said hello. Now, move along."
"I don't have to do what you say!"
"No, but you don't want to upset Harry, now do you?"
"Of course not!"
"Harry," Parvati turned around, wiggling even more in his lap, and Harry was having a lot of trouble paying attention to whatever the two girls were talking about- he just wanted his honeys to sit in his lap as much as possible from now on. "This girl is bothering me. You don't want me to be upset, do you?"
"No." He would have agreed to pretty much anything at that moment.
"So, tell her to go away," Parvati said, shifting her weight once again. By the gleam in her eye, Harry could tell that she knew exactly what was going on. That, and the obvious boner that she was now sitting on. Thanos had warned him of this- girls would trick and confound him by using his lust against him.
Still, it felt really good.
"Sorry, Ginny, but I need you to stop bothering my honey," Harry said, wrapping an arm around Parvati's waist. She might have won this round, but he wasn't going to let her just get up after the redhead left.
"This isn't over," Ginny huffed as she walked off.
"What am I going to do with you, Harry?" Parvati sighed. "I can't leave you alone without a fangirl coming around."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Harry snorted. "Have you seen me? I should have lots and lots of fangirls. Besides, she wasn't being creepy about it or anything. Not like that one blond kid that shoved his camera in my face."
"You broke his camera, and his nose," Parvati giggled.
"It was just a reflex," Harry shrugged.
"Uh huh," Parvati murmured before leaning down to whisper in his ear. "So, is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
"I am very happy to see you," Harry agreed with a smirk. "And it's a lot bigger than a wand."
"Oh, you're awful," Parvati giggled.
Time passed at dear old Hogwarts and soon enough, Halloween came along, bringing with it a feast full of treats to enjoy. Harry was having a blast, and it appeared that this time the meal wouldn't be interrupted by any screaming pussies ruining things or the evil old headmaster trying to wipe out an entire quarter of the student population. Harry had a couple of slices of pumpkin pie before the evening was drawing to a close.
To his left, Parvati was chatting with her bestie Lavender, who was going through all of the costumes she had worn over the years while out trick or treating. Padma was on his right, and she was mostly enjoying her food while Hermione went over the most recent spell they'd learned in Transfiguration. Harry didn't see what the big deal was- when would anyone ever need to turn a bird into a water goblet?
And why was it specifically a water goblet? Couldn't they have just said 'cup' like a normal person? The Thicc Daddy was right- magical people were freaking nuts.
Once the meal was over, the students emptied out into the halls and the annual Halloween weirdness reared its head. There was a huge puddle of water on the floor, a petrified cat hanging from a torch holder on the wall, and what looked like blood written all over the walls announcing the grand opening of something called the Chamber of Secrets.
"Enemies of the heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods!" Draco shouted with a sneer on his face.
Now, it seemed like most of the school was there, and Harry felt a little confused as there were a number of gasps at Malfoy's little display.
"Um, what's a Mudblood?" Harry asked.
Granger was nearby, and like always, she knew the answer. "It's a very foul term used by bigots who dislike people born from muggles."
"Oh." Harry scratched his head and turned to McG who was standing just behind him, as she had pushed her way through the crowd to see what was going on. He looked at his favorite teacher and raised an eyebrow. "So...?"
She nodded at him and turned to Malfoy. "So, that will be one hundred points from Slytherin and a month in detention mister Malfoy. Let that be a warning to anyone else who might consider using such filthy language."
"You can't do that!" Malfoy yelped. Harry couldn't help but laugh.
"I most certainly can, young man."
"Minerva-" the greasy sleaze tried to interrupt but good ol' McG was having none of his nonsense either.
"Don't you 'Minerva' me, Severus! If you could do your job properly, these little miscreants might learn how to behave themselves like civilized human beings. Since you have failed at your task, it falls to the rest of us to clean up your mess. Does anyone else want to try my patience?"
There were a few quiet murmurs, but people started to back away from the angry Scotswoman. Harry just beamed. McG was such a badass.
Unfortunately, then trouble came wandering in. Albus Dumbledore had arrived and Harry just knew he had something to do with this whole mess. He should have checked to make sure the headmaster didn't sneak out during the feast- he was probably the one turning cats to stone. Maybe he had left out something poisonous to mess with Filch's mangy little monster.
Then again, no one seemed to like Filch or his cat, so it wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility that maybe someone else did it. This time. But Harry was going to try to keep his eye on Dumbledore until he was proven wrong.
"What seems to be the trouble everyone?" Albus asked as he walked forward, eyes twinkling like usual. He had a few crumbs in his beard, just one more thing to try to make people underestimate him, but Harry was onto his game. "Ah, poor Mrs. Norris. She seems to have become confunded into believing that she is a wall fixture. Tut tut!" Dumbledore shook his head and used his wand to levitate the cat off the wall. "We can't have such a tasteless decoration, not even for this day of all days. I'm thinking perhaps we should replace her with a nice watercolor. Severus, have I ever shown you my series of clown paintings? Clowns are such wonderful people, bringing joy and merriment to all."
Ah hah! Harry was right- everyone knows that clowns are always evil.
"Albus, I believe that we may have a bigger problem," McG said, pointing out the writing on the wall.
"Ah, yes," the headmaster nodded. "Slytherin's rumored stash of secrets. I wonder if anything could still have any potency left over. After such a long time, sadly I doubt it. However, it would be worth an experiment or two. Merely to satisfy my curiosity, if nothing else."
"What about my cat?"
"Hmm?" Dumbledore turned to see the old caretaker. "Ah, fear not, Argus, we will be able to restore her once the mandrakes are ripe."
Now, he wouldn't admit it, but Dumbledore was quite pleased that mandrakes only ripen in the spring. That blasted cat had somehow gotten into his good stuff one too many times, and having her out of the way for the next several months sounded wonderful.
The first quidditch match led to Harry noticing that Luscious Malfoy had returned, and she was once again prancing around like a peacock. He tried not to be too judgmental, but he wasn't sure if it was really okay for a lady of the night to be interacting with teenage boys though- it seemed pretty sketchy, but then again, this was the strange magical world.
She'd obviously been working hard lately too as she had bought the entire Slytherin team new broomsticks.
Harry was floating across from the little albino Malfoy kid just before the game started.
"So, Draco, you must feel pretty good about how much your mum spoils you, huh?"
"What are you saying about my mother?"
"You know, how she must have worked really hard, on her back or on her knees, to make enough to buy all these brooms just so you could get a spot on the quidditch team," Harry said. "You're a lucky kid, you know?"
"My father," Draco tried to emphasize, but Harry wasn't buying it, "is not a prostitute!"
"Oh, I see," Harry nodded. "I'm sorry, I should have said 'escort' right? Does she often 'do business' with rich wizards? With all the money you're always talking about, I could call her a high price call girl instead."
Malfoy was turning incredibly red as Harry continued. "But I figured that wouldn't really be accurate since wizards don't do phone calls. Man, sometimes I forget that it's like I've stepped back into the Dark Ages when I come here."
A whistle blew signaling the start of the match, and Harry sped off looking for the snitch. Malfoy was following on his heels the entire time.
Then, more strangeness began as one of the bludgers had apparently decided that it wanted a piece of Harry. Normally, this might seem kind of fun to him, but it was even going after him when his back was turned, and everyone knows that's some totally chickenshit behavior.
"Man, piss off, you stupid iron ball!"
"What's the matter, Potter?" Malfoy laughed. "Can't handle a simple little bludger going after you?"
"At least it isn't your mum trying to hit on me again," Harry snorted just as the bludger flew past him.
"Stop talking about my father like that!"
Harry got the next laugh in though, because the poor little albino kid had lost his focus, and Harry turned so that Malfoy was in the direct path of the bludger. WIth a scream of pain, his arm was snapped and he fell off his broom.
"Tough luck," Harry chuckled before the bludger had come back around and was now chasing him all over the pitch.
"Dammit!"
He sped as fast as he could with the ball chasing after him, trying its best to smash him to pieces, but Harry had become the youngest seeker in a century for a reason. Eventually, he spotted the snitch and was able to snatch it out of the air, but even after the whistle blew, the bludger decided it wasn't finished with him.
"MOTHERFUCKER!" he yelled as his right hand was smashed by the maniacal little iron bastard. He dropped the snitch and fumbled with his pocket as he reached for his wand with his left hand. Just as it came back around, Harry took aim.
"Reducto!"
Thankfully, he nailed the bludger just as it was heading straight for him. Harry took a deep breath and winced at the sharp pain in his right hand. He spat on the remains of the bludger at his feet just as his honeys came rushing over to him.
"Are you alright, Harry?" Parvati asked.
"I will be as soon as I kill the headmaster for this."
"Harry, the headmaster wasn't even at the game," Padma said. "Also, he isn't an evil mastermind."
"He's got you all fooled," Harry sighed.
"Ah, Harry my lad," Lockhart said with that patented annoying smile of his as he strutted over. "I can have you right as rain is just one moment."
Now, Harry didn't know much about healing magic, but he knew that Lockhart was an obnoxious buffoon on his best day. Unfortunately, he was a little too quick with his wand and Harry soon saw that his right hand was now floppy and boneless.
"What the hell bro?"
"Yes, well, that was-"
Whatever excuse Lockhart might have tried to make ended as Harry began punching him in the face. Repeatedly. The smarmy git was crying and begging him to stop, which just meant that Harry wasn't finished knocking his teeth out yet if he could still manage something resembling speech.
It was a lot harder to do with only his left hand, but Harry knew the value of hardwork.
"Mister Potter!" McG pulled him off the idiot. "What is the meaning of this?"
"This fucking retard cursed me! Look at my damn hand!"
"Language, Harry," she said, but then she looked closer at his obviously boneless right hand and turned back to the pitiful Defense professor who was trying to pick up the teeth that were scattered in the ground all around him. "That will be two points from Gryffindor, due to the extenuating circumstances, but do not do so again. Understood?"
"Yes, professor."
Parvati was giggling while Padma rolled her eyes and muttered 'only two points' under her breath.
"My face, look what he did to my beautiful face," Lockhart sobbed.
"Perhaps next time you will remember not to point your wand at a student, Gilderoy," McG replied. "Also, I believe Poppy will be quite displeased with you for interfering in her area of expertise. Such a shame that now she will be responsible for trying to fix you up. Well, one must learn their lessons somehow."
Lockhart whimpered one more time and refused to look up.
"Now then, Harry, I do believe the lovely Patil girls will be able to escort you to Madam Pomfrey."
"Can they help me change out of my uniform first?"
"Harry!" Padma yelped as she began to blush.
"You wish," Parvati groaned. "We'll make sure he doesn't get into any more trouble today, professor. Come on, you goofball."
She began tugging on his still functional hand as Padma took his boneless one and began examining it as they walked. "Does this hurt at all?"
"Not really. You know that pins and needles feeling you get if your foot falls asleep? It's sort of like that, only all squishy and weird too."
"Fascinating," Padma replied, continuing to touch it, even pinching it to check for a response. None came and she looked up at him. "I think I might want to ask Madam Pomfrey about exactly what has happened here. It seems like this would cause all sorts of problems. Besides, you probably need one of us to learn some healing so we can patch you up after all the fights and danger you get in."
"Good idea, sis."
"I'm lucky to have you girls looking after me."
"Someone has to," Padma sighed dramatically, her teasing given away by the grin on her face. She might not have been in such a good mood if not for the fact that finally Lockhart got what he deserved. Stupid bloody moron! Maybe next year she would actually have a decent Defense professor. At this rate, her OWL and even NEWT scores would be in jeopardy otherwise.
That week's Defense lessons were canceled due to the teacher needing to regrow a number of teeth and have some cuts and bruises healed as well. When he did finally show back up, it appeared he was wearing a large amount of makeup.
Or, even more makeup than usual.
Meanwhile, Harry had been awoken in the middle of the night by Dobby, the little grey dude who had tried to maim him with the attack bludger. Sadly, Harry was a little out of it, so he only gave a sleepy half-hearted threat of teeth breaking before dozing back off.
The next morning, he found out that the kid with the camera had been turned to stone just like that mangy cat. Harry was sort of pleased by that- no more of the little oddball constantly trying to get a signed photo.
Ginny Weasley was one thing, but having a male stalker wasn't what Harry was into.
A few days later, a dueling club was announced, supposedly to help teach people to defend themselves from whatever 'monster' might lie hidden in the mythical Chamber of Secrets.
Harry still blamed the headmaster and had been staring at him during every meal. According to Parvati, he was being silly. Her sister said he was being paranoid. But he knew the truth, and he would not be caught unaware this time!
As most of the students filled the Great Hall, with the usual dining tables cleared out of the way, Hermione was rambling about how the little Charms dude had apparently been a dueling champion once upon a time.
Harry wasn't that lucky though- instead the buffoon came waltzing out to applause from a number of girls who he had clearly ensnared with dark magic somehow.
"Welcome to the first meeting of my newly established dueling club," Lockhart began, tossing a jaunty little cloak off to a handful of his admirers. Harry zoned out as he started spouting a bunch of nonsense about something or other.
There was this kid with a huge chin next to Padma who Harry thought was called Jason or Dustin or something, but after having the painful experience of partnering with him in Herbology one day, he just couldn't be bothered to try to remember his name. He reminded him of the type of posh person that the Dursleys wished they were. After he had asked how Harry had been able to get not one but two girlfriends, Harry kept a closer eye on him- the Hufflepuff big chin kid was definitely checking out Parvati before a growl made him stop.
Needless to say, they hadn't worked together in any classes after that. And now, he seemed to be trying to chat up Harry's other honey. Someone was asking for a fistful of punishment.
The greasy Potions guy walked in at some point and he and the smarmy idiot started off with a demonstration of the disarming charm- in which greasy knocked the grinning fool on his ass.
The students began to practice dueling at that point when people paired off to work on trying to disarm each other. The twins were working together, so Harry and the big chin kid faced off.
Harry was feeling sporting though, so he gave his opponent a first shot. He dodged to the right as what's his face's spell flew past him, knocking poor Longbottom over and sending his wand flying off into the crowd.
Harry then returned fire, not only knocking the wand out of his hand but also sending big chin crashing into the wall behind him. He walked over, picked up the wand, and then leaned down as he offered a hand to help the kid up. "Stay away from my honeys, or else."
"Um, right, sorry," the boy blushed as Harry nodded and yanked him rather harder than necessary up to his feet.
Around them, the club had descended into chaos. Harry saw Hermione Granger had been stuck with a large Slytherin girl who had somehow gotten her in a headlock. He was pretty sure that wasn't exactly what most people would have thought to do, but he also thought it was a decent strategy, all things considered.
"Excuse me, ladies," he said as he walked over to them. The larger girl was so surprised by his interruption that she let Hermione wriggle free. "Do you mind if I give you both a bit of advice?"
"What's it to you, Potter?"
"Do you mind if I talk to Granger first?"
"Fine."
He pulled his classmate aside and noticed that she didn't wince, so hopefully she hadn't been grappled for too long. "Are you alright?"
"Yes," Hermione said quietly, looking anywhere but at his face. "Thank you."
"No problem," he brushed it off. "In the future, you're going to want to stay out of range of people bigger and stronger than you. The key to fighting is the way you move. Stay on your feet, don't let them get close, dodge when you can, and make sure your punches, or spells in this case, connect. Got it?"
"I think so."
"Cool," he nodded as he looked back at the larger girl. "Say, Granger, what's that other chick's name anyway?"
"Millicent Bulstrode."
"Thanks." He took a few steps through the crowd over to miss Bulstrode and tried to introduce himself, despite the unpleasant expression she was wearing. It was somewhere between a glare and a frown, but he didn't let that bother him. "It's Millicent, right?"
"What do you want?"
"I was going to congratulate you on your tactics. Using your strengths in a fight is always a good idea."
"Oh." She looked confused for a moment then got the barest hint of a smile. "Um, thanks."
"No biggie," he shrugged. "Next time though, you might want to try getting your opponent off their feet. Knocking someone down makes it a lot harder for them to escape or fight back very well. Know what I mean, dude?"
"I guess so..." She gave him a smirk and raised an eyebrow. "Why are you giving me advice though? I thought all you Gryffindors didn't like any of us Slytherins."
"Nah, that's pretty much just Malfoy and the greaseball," Harry replied with a nod over his shoulder towards said greasy Potions jerk. "I don't really know any of the rest of you. Besides, have you seen most of the wimps around here? I figured that you might want someone to talk to that knows the value of being physically strong instead of just waving a wand around for everything."
"Hmm," she muttered.
A whistle blew, as someone was trying to restore order, and Harry looked over to his honeys. Now, normally, they got along very well, but every now and then some sibling rivalry came to the fore and this was one of those occasions. Both of their hairdos had come loose, they were sweating and panting, and Parvati had a scratch on her cheek.
For some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, Harry really liked the way they looked.
Padma got her sister with one last spell and he had to react quickly to catch Parvati before she fell over.
"Hey, hey, my honeys, what's the problem?"
"I was just reminding my dear sister that she won't be able to top me unless she works harder in class," Padma said with a glare.
Parvati hissed back, "You're just mad because I get to have more fun with Harry!"
"Alright, ladies, let's not fight," Harry interjected. "Let's remember who the real enemies are, okay?"
He pointed towards the two so-called teachers who had caused this mess.
The smarmy bozo said something stupid and the greasy jerk said something about blocking spells and a moment later, Harry found himself opposite John (or maybe Don?) Weasley as the duo who were supposed to demonstrate for everyone.
Lockhart's example of how to 'block a spell' was apparently to wave your wand around like you're trying to fix your hair and then drop it without casting any sort of spell. Thankfully, McG had taught him the incredibly useful Shield Charm near the end of last year, once he had emerged triumphant over the turban guy. She wanted him to know what to do if he had any other teachers attack him- and it was one of the most important lessons he'd probably ever have.
When the ginger fired his spell, Harry was ready and shouted out, "Protego!"
The spell was not only blocked but flew right back at its caster and Weasley went flying. There was a snapping sound and he got up looking ill as he had fallen on his wand, which was now much more bent than it should have been.
Before Harry could say anything, greasy hoisted him back up and said, "Try again, Weasley."
"But my wand," he moaned.
"If you properly maintained it, it should be fine," Snape sneered.
Harry was pretty sure that was complete bullshit, and Don... no Ron, it might have been Ron actually... Ron gulped and tried to cast the disarming spell.
What came out instead, for some mysterious reason, was a snake.
Harry recognized it as a cobra, and he stepped forward with a smile as it raised up its head and hissed menacingly at that big chin Hufflepuff kid who was standing closest to it.
"Yo, dude, don't bite that kid," he hissed, not noticing the people gasping and backing further away.
"Why not?" the snake asked.
"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't taste very good," Harry answered. "If you want someone with some flavor, you should turn around and head for the guy all in black with the really big nose and the greasy black hair."
"He would taste better?"
"Sure, he's always cooking over cauldrons, so I'm sure he's soaked up some sort of seasoning over the years."
"What are you doing?" yelped the big chin kid, distracting Harry from his attempt at convincing the snake to get rid of another teacher for him.
"What do you mean?"
Greasy took that opportunity to step forward and cast a spell causing the snake to vanish.
"Ah man, I wasn't done talking to him," Harry moaned.
Almost everyone backed away and whispered. It was then that he realized that he was being stared at much more than usual. "What's up?"
People were practically cowering in terror as Parvati grabbed one of his arms and pulled him out of the Great Hall. The students parted, giving them plenty of room to leave as Padma ran along after them. When they came to the nearest classroom, Parvati led them inside.
"Why didn't you tell us you were a parselmouth?"
"A what?"
"A parselmouth is someone who can speak to snakes," Padma explained. "It's a very sought after gift in India."
"For good reason," Parvati added with a blush.
"Oh." He scratched his head and shrugged. "I didn't know it was a big deal. I thought that there were probably all sorts of ways to talk to animals. You know, with magic and stuff. It'd be pretty cool to talk to birds. Then I could ask Sammie what it's like to fly with wings instead of a broom. I bet that would be sweet!"
"Harry, this could be a problem," Padma said with concern. "Most people in this country think of it as a bad thing. Slytherin's emblem is a snake because he could talk to snakes. And so could you-know-who."
"You-know... oh, the guy that was a face on the back of the stuttering dude's head? Well, he was lame, but that doesn't mean that all snakes are evil. I mean, I had a pet snake for awhile, before we had a difference of opinions."
"A difference of opinions?"
"Okay, so it might have been an argument, but I was in a bad mood, and he pissed me off."
"You got in a fight with your pet snake?" Padma's eyebrow was raised in disbelief.
"I mean... kind of, yeah," Harry admitted. Parvati just started to giggle.
"It's alright," she grinned and patted him on the shoulder. "I know that sometimes you brutal ruffian types have trouble expressing yourself with words. I'm just glad you know how to do other things with your mouth."
"Parvati!" her sister glared at her. "This is serious!"
"Oh, I know," Parvati said with a smile. "We are definitely keeping him."
"What?"
"Do you know what they say about parselmouths?" she smirked at her sister.
"No?"
Parvati pulled Padma several feet away and began to whisper in her ear. Harry frowned for a second before seeing Padma start to blush. "No way!"
"Uh huh," Parvati answered with a huge grin on her face.
"Where did you hear that?"
"I read it in a couple of books at Gran Amala's."
"But-"
"I asked her about it last summer too," Parvati was also looking rather flushed. "She said there were a number of tales of the abilities of parsel speakers, and that they were mostly true. Besides, remember great uncle Jayant?"
"Was he the one with three wives?" Padma asked.
"Yep," Parvati grinned again. "Gran said there was a reason he was able to keep them all happy."
"Oh... oh!" Padma squeaked out.
"What are you two talking about?" Harry finally interrupted them.
"Don't worry about it," Parvati replied.
"Okay..."
Girls, man- they could be really weird sometimes. Harry noticed that both of his honeys giggled and blushed around him a lot more for the next few weeks after that night. He had no idea why, but they were in good moods, so he figured he might as well just enjoy it.
Most of the rest of the school, on the other hand, started staying much further away from Harry, worried that he was the Heir of Slytherin and that he was going to feed them to his monster. It was kinda weird that they seemed to think he was going to start attacking the muggleborns though. His mum had been one, so you'd think that would sink in, and Granger, while not technically a friend, was someone that he really liked trying to rile up. The way she would try to scold him was always good for a laugh. He was hoping she'd come up with another fun term of endearment too.
Things got more annoying about a week later though, when the big chin kid became the second victim, also petrified along with the Fat Friar. Harry thought that was pretty strange- how does a ghost get turned to stone? Was it ghost stone? Was that a thing? It sounded kinda cool.
Unfortunately, that just made people even more convinced that Harry was behind the attacks.
"This is dumb," he said one day at lunch as only his honeys, Lavender, and Hermione were sitting near him- although those girls both had a honey in between themselves and Harry. While he liked the female attention, the constant muttering and stares were lame. People were supposed to stare at him in awe of his badass muscles. "If I were going to attack people, it wouldn't be some kid whose name I don't even know."
"Who would you attack then?" one of the Weasley twins asked as they sat down across from him. Harry couldn't tell Fred from George, but they were at least decent guys who could bring out a laugh now and then.
"Probably the greasy douchebag," Harry replied with a motion up to the staff table. "Either that or Malfoy, but he hasn't been too yappy ever since McG gave him all those detentions. Man, she's the best."
"I didn't know you were so fond of our head of house."
"Yeah, she's always trying to bust us for something or other," the second ginger twin added. "To be fair, she has good reason, but it still can be a pain."
"She's cool," Harry shrugged. "And so much better than most of the other teachers."
"It sounds like you girls might have some competition," Fred... or maybe George said with a look at Padma.
"Oh, we know all about Harry's affection for Professor McGonagall, but it's not like that."
"Harry wants to set her up!" Parvati giggled. "He's convinced that he needs to find her a man."
"I still say she and Hagrid would make a good couple," Harry grumbled. "They seem friendly already, and he's a big tough dude."
"He's not exactly what I would call cute though," Parvati replied.
"Well, who is the 'cutest' of the teacher dudes?"
"Lockhart," all four girls answered.
"Aw man," Harry groaned. "But he's so lame."
"You asked, Harry," Padma teased.
"Fine, fine." He took a deep breath, realizing that his quest just got that much worse. "I'll see what I can do."
To be continued...
Author's Note: I know a lot of people don't like Ginny Weasley, writing her off as a mere crazy stalker fangirl, but why not do something fun with that?
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