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Among the Stars by KennethRose
 Games » Mass Effect Rated: T, English, Romance & Adventure, Shepard, Joker, Words: 73k+, Favs: 334, Follows: 332, Published: Nov 28, 2012 Updated: Jun 2563Chapter 7
If you've ever gone to a formal, yes that's akin to a flipping 'Prom' to the Neanderthals out there, then you might have some approximation of what I was feeling as I waited outside the airlock of the Normandy. Only, perhaps you should add a couple of things to that image. Firstly, I was dressed to the nines in a suit worthy of the Illusive Man, so this was a formal affair. Secondly, the Normandy crew was looking at me in confusion, and several of the females with obvious attraction and fluttering eyebrows. Thirdly, I was waiting for the most beautiful woman I'd ever met even despite her glowing scars, and she had a reputation the size of the bloody Sol system.
Everybody knew the name Erin Shepard, whether in a positive or negative light it didn't matter; all that mattered was that I was little unknown James White; secret owner of the fifth largest company in the galaxy and an unknown entity in the public's eyes. The Alliance used to have me down as their best pilot before I came and joined Cerberus to be with Shepard again, but that didn't matter because Erin was willing to put her reputation on the line – put herself completely in the public eye with me in a completely, unambiguously romantic manner.
I was so honoured it almost hurt. Eyes swivelled to the elevator when it hissed open, and my jaw, as well as the majority of the crew's I'm sure, dropped.
She looked like a goddess. She walked towards me with a pretty smile and blush; her creamy calves sliding through the slits in her dark purple Cheongsam; clearly defined as they were strained by her three inch black heels. Her short-ish hair was styled to look wind-swept, and I was both surprised but happy that she hadn't worn any makeup. Despite her glowing scars she didn't need it. "You look… just… wow."
Yeah, I was kicking myself for my lack of eloquence, but when that smile lit up her face I kinda forgot about it. "I'm glad I've managed to render the legendary James White speechless," she smirked, but then looked me over with those burning green eyes of hers, a small blush spreading across her cheeks. "You look pretty good too…"
I still didn't have anything more to say, my brain drawing a blank, and so held my arm out to her. She smiled before linking hers with mine, eliciting a new wave of conspiratorial whispers from the on-looking crew, and we stepped into the airlock which immediately opened onto the docking bay. I was sneaking glances at her, still quite shocked that I was actually dating such a beautiful and wonderful woman. She caught me during one of my fleeting look-overs, and blushed as she bashfully lowered her head. Seeing the Great Commander Shepard as nervous as I was about this whole thing made me feel a little better, and I released her arm only to twine my fingers with hers.
She smiled happily up at me, and finally broke the silence. "So where are we going tonight?"
I winked at her. "Somewhere that I've been informed will take our breaths away."
She looked concerned for a moment, and I felt her fingers squeeze mine. "You don't need to impress me."
I looked wryly down at her and raised an eyebrow. "Erin, I earn more money in a week than most earn in a lifetime. If taking you out and pampering you lets you just relax and enjoy life without the Collectors hanging over your head I'd spend all the money I got in a year." She blushed and a pleased smile spread over her face, and I grinned cheekily. "But it didn't come to quite that much."
She laughed and entered the cab first, and I quickly punched in the codes required to get to the front doors of our destination that evening. I watched as Shepard's eyebrows rose higher and higher as we rose higher and higher. "I've never been up here," she told me as she stopped looking out the window and curled into my side, and I smiled down at her.
"To be honest neither have I. I recruited my intelligence division to find the best place for a romantic dinner on Illium."
She slapped my arm looking appropriately scandalised, but I could see the glittering mirth in her eyes. "You didn't!"
"No, I didn't," I told her, but she clearly didn't believe me if the rolling of her eyes was any indication. She was right to not trust me on that. When we pulled up outside the crystal cap of the skyscraper that towered over the rest of Illium she gaped, and I grinned to her before opening the door and holding out my hand. She took it, her fingers dwarfed by mine which I made sure to close over hers as soon as I could, and I headed towards the main doors that led into the infamous 'Alashi' restaurant. My omni-tool was scanned to confirm my identity and reservation, and I was then told to provide the pass-code every client agrees upon; a new one for each visit just to make sure that nobody could get in without a reservation – even previous diners. I saw Shepard blush deep red when I said the word, "Love" and I was pretty sure I was blushing as hard as she was.
"I'm sorry," I apologised, kicking myself as we were guided by a finely dressed Turian to our table, "I didn't at all mean to be presumptuous – I really like you, but love… I understand that it might have made you, well, you know… feel a bit uncomfortable and-"
I was stopped by a finger being pressed to my lips, and found myself staring at my date, agape, when she smiled that small, meaningful smile, traced my cheek, and then slid her hand back into mine before once more following the waiter. Of course I was mentally floundering. If I could see my brain now I was sure I'd see my boss neurons screaming out "RIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! PRIORITY ONE, GODDAMN IT GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH!" as my action potentials were running around like chickens with their heads cut off and on epinephrine trying to find an answer.
Unfortunately, for all the knowledge I had on FTL protocols, Mass Relay approach vector variables, and even how to kick some arse in hand to hand combat… my brain was turning up a big, whopping, scarily confusing blank as to just what that small action by Erin was about.
I managed not to stutter and make a complete idiot of myself, but I felt like I was getting there. I remembered at the last moment to hold her chair out for her, gently nudging the Turian out of the way with a small glare that I got returned, and she smiled up at me before listening to the Turian who was reading off the specials of the night – the rude bastard hadn't even waited for me to sit down before starting!
I dismissed him rather firmly, not enough to come across as an asshole but just perfect to get across my 'back off buddy' message. I saw Shepard's lips twitch with amusement as the Turian tramped away, a little heavier footed than he had been when leading us to our table, and she looked across at me with a raised eyebrow.
I met her raised eyebrow and raised her a shrug. "What?"
"Protective much?"
I narrowed my eyes and sat back in my chair and crossed my arms. "So what if I am?"
I knew that she was teasing, and I think she knew that I knew too, but I wanted to get a gauge of her reaction to me playing the protective boyfriend. She leaned back, mirroring my pose, but sent me a small smirk. "I never took you for a confrontational type," she informed me playfully, and I nodded seriously.
"Uhuh, neither did Jedore."
"Ooooh," her grin widened, "touché… hinting at something Mister White?"
I really didn't know how to answer that, and so settled for raising an eyebrow and giving her a dry look. She was clearly waiting for an answer, and I honestly didn't have one. It took me nearly five seconds to come back with the one thing I could come up with – topic change. "Hm. So, did Kasumi accost you on the way down?"
She let out a chuckle, looking at me through those long lashes in a way that told me she knew exactly what I was doing, and nodded as she relaxed her arms and clasped her hands on the table. "Yeah… she was waiting outside my cabin."
I snorted, relieved that she wasn't going to push on my fumble in conversation, and also rather glad that the proverbial ice had been broken after the whole 'love' thing that I was still kicking myself about – I mean, really? It'd been a couple of months since 'I' had arrived in this universe, and less since Erin and I had started getting a little bit closer. Even less since we got romantic.
And I went and said the 'L' word. Stupid!
But anyways, back to the topic of Kasumi. "She was waiting for me too; I got changed down in engineering since you haven't woken the tank krogan up yet… still, kinda creepy changing in front of an unconscious dude."
She laughed then, that tinkling, heart-lifting laugh that was very rarely displayed publicly, and she nodded to me. "Uhuh, well next time you can go and change down in-"
"I'd rather not have my willie torn off by a biotic pull, thank you," I said firmly, and got a gob-smacked look before a snort, and then full-blown laughter. Many other patrons looked over with frowns, and when I saw a particularly snooty-seeming Asari glaring at my date I proceeded to put my hand behind my head and wiggle my fingers. Immediately she, which was debatable because according to Liara they are an 'androgynous' species, glared at me, and I waved with my free hand while still wiggling the fingers of my other.
Supposedly it was akin to flipping somebody the bird, only in 'Asari' language. Liara had informed me helpfully in the Mass Effect 1 time-line that it was an insult to the crests that resembled tentacles. The wiggling around brought particular attention to that, and if the furious gesturing I was receiving was anything to go by I had successfully pissed her off.
I watched as Erin slowly calmed down, and she sent me a humoured smirk for my efforts. "Jack wouldn't do that…" my incredulous stare may have just gotten my message across because her smile faltered before she frowned and then decided to rephrase her statement. "Okay, so maybe she would."
"Oh she would," I assured her as I ordered a bottle of sparkling Hayves wine on my Omni-tool; a non-alcoholic asari beverage that I knew Shepard quite liked. "In fact-"
"Do I really want to hear about your escapades with Jack?" she interrupted me teasingly, and I gave a small chuckle before leaning over and putting my hand over her own. She looked down at our fingers and I saw an almost disbelieving smile cross her lips.
I had the feeling I knew why.
"I want you to know right now," I said before she could deny that she was looking like she was, "that you do deserve somebody that loves you for who you are, and who will stand by your side no matter what." Her eyes snapped up to mine the moment I mentioned the 'L' word again, and I smiled before squeezing her hand and waiting until the waiter – a salarian this time – was finished pouring her wine before speaking once more. "Yes, Erin, you have scars. You have more than any person I know; both mental and physical," I saw her eyes sadden before she averted them, but I reached over and raised her chin with my finger; forcing her to look at me. Right at this very moment, at the very beginning of our date, was perhaps one of the most crucial in our entire relationship.
"They make you who you are. I don't care either, because I think you're beautiful – inside and out." She was both shocked by what I was saying and how I was saying it, I was sure. In fact I was shocked at what I was saying. I'd told her she was pretty before… but here I was laying it all out on the table. "Those nightmares you have… they tell me that you're human; that you still care. The scars on your body tell me that you are strong; that you've gone through suffering and yet have come out on top. The way that you protect your squadmates to the utmost of your ability when on a mission tells me that you hold those who you trust close, and that while it is hard to get into your shell it is well worth it if you do. And knowing that I give you access to millions of credits every week, and that you have yet to buy more than a new suit of light armour for yourself… that shows me that you are a woman who is more than worthy of my trust.
"And then there's the fact that despite being Commander Shepard; Savior of the Citadel; ex-N7 captain; Council SPECTRE… and whatever other amazing titles you have… well you're here, dressed up, on a date with little old me – a pilot that most people haven't heard of. To be pretty damn honest I wonder just what in the hell you see in me. I mean pretty much any bloke, or Asari, or woman, or whatever else there is out there… well they'd take you in a heartbeat. You could have anybody except maybe the Illusive Man himself… and I reckon that you could give him a run for his money if you tried."
She was blushing bright red by now and looking down at her plate, but I could see the smile on her lips. I watched as she hurriedly wiped her cheeks, and then looked up at me – the edges of her eyes slightly red. A moment later both of her hands were resting on mine, and she squeezed once before having to snap out of it when our salarian waiter arrived and asked if we were ready to order. I'd been so entranced in our conversation and the words that'd come out of my mouth that I hadn't even thought about dinner, and so I hurriedly accessed the menu on my Omni-tool and perused through it before deciding on a nice, Earthly, 500g beef steak with actual veggies, and a red-wine sauce… done medium rare, of course, and accompanied by a Cab-Sav that the waiter suggested.
Erin went for a Caesar salad, with real chicken (can you believe it? The real chicken I mean…) and another glass of the asari wine to come out with the meal. When the finely dressed salarian departed my date immediately turned her attention back to me and returned her hands to mine. To be quite honest I was shocked that she was able to regain the atmosphere that I had considered blown quite thoroughly apart by the alien, but she managed it. All the while as she spoke a soft smile was on her lips, and no matter just how corny it seemed I just couldn't look away from those captivating emerald eyes of hers.
"You said that you don't know what I see in you?" I nodded, confirming that statement, and she squeezed slightly. "Everything that you said is what I see in you. You see past Commander Shepard… you just see me." Her smile faltered for a moment, and she averted her eyes as she took in a breath. When she continued however, she made sure to look me dead in the eye, and I could feel that she wanted me to understand. "I am broken. I may be a good soldier, a good leader, a good poster girl… but I'm broken. Even when we were facing Sovereign I had nightmares. I hadn't had a full night's sleep since Azuke… until I slept next to you." Her smile had returned, but it was clearly strained. I moved my hands to cover hers and squeezed reassuringly, and her smile became slightly firmer before waning once more.
"But… what do I see in you? I- I see a man who knows my deepest fears; darkest, and deepest faults; my scars… and you don't pity me." She gave a small snort of irony, and I saw the apology in her eyes. "I hate being pitied… and I realize now just how cruel I was being to you when I showed you pity… but you don't pity me. When I need somebody to hold you're there. When I just want to shoot the shit you're there too. When…" she lowered her eyes and I felt her hands clench, "when I feel like the universe is swallowing me up and suffocating me you're there too… saying something funny, making fun of someone, joking around, being… you. And when I need you to be there for me you take it seriously. Not like it's a job… but because you actually, genuinely care." Her eyes slowly rose to meet mine, and I could see the bare need in her gaze; the absolute want for me to see that none of this was a joke; that this was coming from deep inside. "When I'm with you I can be broken, and you still like me and help me. Nobody… not even my mother has ever done that for me."
I knew right then what had happened. There's a moment where things just… click. You were blind but suddenly you can see. All uncertainty disappears, and it just feels right – as if it was always meant to be there, and as if a weight has been taken of your shoulders because you've been debating it subconsciously and worrying for weeks, months, hell, even years sometimes. "Love," I corrected her quietly, averting my eyes as I felt my cheeks burn like they were on fire.
"Love?" Her voice held confusion, and yet despite my nervousness and hesitation I knew that I had to say it; that she had to know.
Taking a deep breath to steel myself I looked back into her eyes, finding her head cocked slightly to the side and a questioning frown on her brow, and I nodded. "When you're with me… and when you're you… I don't like you. I love you."
My face was burning, and I almost couldn't believe that I had just confessed to being in love with the beautiful woman in front of me. I'd thought about it for weeks, months, even… but I'd just said those three words that meant that that was that. I had just made a huge commitment, because with the person I was, and the person Erin was, for me to go back on that would tear me apart – and her too. Saying those three words was tantamount to saying that I'd always be with her, and if the look of complete shock in her eyes and the furious, thundering thumping in my chest was anything to go by we both knew it too. "W-what?"
Her voice was broken and barely a whisper, but I could hear the raw disbelief in her tone. She didn't believe me; didn't think I could mean something so serious. Ten minutes ago I doubt I would have either, but however sudden the realization was I knew that it was right. It just felt… like it belonged – like it was meant to happen. When I'd dressed up for the date I hadn't expected any conversation as serious as the one we'd had, let alone at the beginning of the date, but it had happened… and I had never been so glad for something so unexpected. "I love you," I repeated, more assuredly this time, and the tears that were brimming finally tipped over the precipice and cascaded down her cheeks unchecked.
Her hands were clenching mine almost painfully, and had I been my old self the bones would've long been dust. She gave a tense chuckle, and shook her head. "N-no you can't mean that."
Shuffling my chair in closer I closed my hands around hers, very aware by the look in her eyes that she was close to bolting, and held them firm. I stared her right in the eye, and nodded once. "I mean every single word. And you are notrunning on me Erin," I said as I felt her hands begin to try and slide out of mine. She immediately stopped, wide eyed like a deer caught in the headlights, and I shook my head. "I am going to tell you what is going to happen. You are going to sit right here and tell me just why you are so scared, and then I am going to address every single one of those problems before we finish up here. Then I'm going to take you back to the Normandy, holding your hand the entire way, I'm going to take you up to our quarters, and then I am going to kiss you."
Her jaw slackened visibly, and I had to stifle a smile and a chuckle. "Then," I said, not letting her get a thought or word in edge-ways, "you are going to shower, and then I am going to shower, and then both of us are going to get into bed and snuggle."
"S-snuggle?" she squeaked, and I nodded – not bothering to hide my amusement this time.
"Yes, Erin, we are going to snuggle. And I'll probably ask you then whether or not I can kiss you again– but before that why don't you tell me why you're so scared?"
Opening her up after that was like breaking into a bank vault. To be honest I was surprised she didn't use her new-found freedom when dinner came to flee the restaurant, but by God she wasn't opening up. She just ate her dinner, appeared to ignore my questions and pestering, and occasionally sipped at her wine. The entire time she looked like she'd just seen a ghost. She was flicking her eyes around the room as if an assassin was going to pop up at any moment. Even my attempts at humour did little to change her disposition, and saying that I was worried was a serious understatement. Half an hour ago she'd been holding my hands of her own volition telling me how much she trusted and liked me. Now she was like a clam.
Finally, after almost twenty minutes of constant silence I was brought the check, and I quickly transferred enough credits to buy a small house before standing and holding out my hand to Erin. She stood by herself and clasped her hands over her stomach, and I allowed her that until we exited the restaurant where I forcefully took her hand in mine. She looked at me sharply, but wilted under my look. "I said I was going to hold your hand the whole way back to the Normandy."
She gave a small nod before relenting, and we got silently into a cab where I punched in the coordinates to the Normandy's docking bay. When we arrived back the CIC was almost deserted save for a couple of the skeleton crew, and they did quite a good job of keeping their eyes on their work as we got into the elevator. I pressed the button for Shepard's quarters, and when the doors hissed open Shepard walked out. I, notably, didn't.
It took her until she reached her desk to realize that I wasn't following behind, and the turned back around, surprised. She walked back to the door, looking confused, and I stared at her seriously. "I've clearly upset you," I explained, "so I don't think I should stay up here for a while."
Her eyes widened, and I felt my heart clench but pushed it aside. "B-but, but you always sleep up here!"
"Right," I nodded, "except for the fact that for the last two hours I've been getting the silent treatment, and been ignored, because I threw my feelings on the table. You have no idea just how scary it was for me to say those words… and after I'd said them I felt like the weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. And then… it all just came crashing back. To be honest I'm pretty angry and upset right now… so I need some time alone." Before she could speak I walked forwards and kissed her forehead, and I felt her breath hitch. "I love you," I whispered before turning around and punching the button for the crew deck, and the last thing I saw was Shepard standing stock-still staring at me; her face slack and disbelieving.
By the time I'd gotten out on the crew deck my suit jacket and tie had fallen victim to an incinerate and the wall was sporting a new dent courtesy of my fist. I don't know who I was angrier at; me or Shepard. On one hand I was cursing myself for saying those words, because it may have been too soon, but on the other hand I was thinking about how Shepard could've just fucking trusted me enough to say something to ease my worry. Hell, even if she'd said 'I need to think for a while before I say anything' it would've helped, but she'd just gone dead silent and hadn't looked at me for the entire evening after I'd said those three all-important words.
A couple of the crew came up in teasing mode, but quickly backed off when Garrus and Kasumi caught my expression and gait and pushed them back out of my way. I found some of my old Cerberus gear in the drawers underneath my old bunk, and pulled it on before walking back to the elevator and punching the button for the Cargo Bay. When I arrived I called down the stairs to Jack, telling her that I wanted a brutal spar, and a moment later she was walking beside me with a maniacal grin on my face. "I think I can do that," she said in her husky voice, "I owe you for telling me about Pragia after all."
"Just don't hold back," I bit out, "because I sure as shit won't be."
That joking went right off her face when she realised that I was serious about the 'brutal' bit of the spar, and she quietened as we arrived in the cavernous bay. The crew that was down there finishing their evening workout cleared to the sides when they saw me looking, I was quite sure, like Satan incarnate. I didn't even care to get ready first; just turned around and launched a spinning kick right at Jack's face. It connected, though she did manage to get a small kinetic shield up beforehand, but when I landed and shuffled away I could see the blood on her lips.
Her attack was equally as unexpected and as violent as mine, if not more so. A shock-wave slammed into me point blank and hammered be backwards faster and faster until I impacted against a girder of the hull wall. I could feel my spine flexing dangerously as it threatened to snap, but the heavy bone weave kept it from breaking and the heavy muscle weave kept it from collapsing on itself. I could feel blood running down my back from where the skin had been lacerated by the brutal collision, but was back on my feet in a moment only to be slammed right in the face by a biotically-enhanced punch. I felt my nose cave in and a wave of pain slam into me, and I actually heard the gurgle of blood that sprayed from my now-broken nose.
I ducked out of the way on pure instinct alone when I saw Jack coming at me with a flying kick, and punched as hard as I could upwards when she flew past – right into her groin. Contrary to popular belief, hitting a woman in the groin is not at all painless. With a bloke they've got balls, yes, and it bloody hurts when you get hammered in the jewels… but the women also have a clitoris – a tiny wee nub that contains a penis and balls' worth of nerves. Hit hard enough… well, you get the idea.
She went down like a sack of potatoes and crashed to the ground with a groan of agony as she clutched at her crotch. I wiped some blood from my nose as she recovered, and took a second to grab a hold of it before snapping it back into place and I couldn't help but yell out in pain as it crunched. And then Jack was back at me; hammering my ribs with fury-filled punches and kicks that rendered my arm fractured at least and several ribs cracked or fractured despite their incredible upgrades.
In return I dislocated her left shoulder, gotten a few of her ribs myself, and rendered her right leg useless with the help of a brutal kick to the side of her knee. When she got her next punch in at me, making my vision black out and stabs of blinding pain tear themselves through my skull, I felt consciousness slipping away, and finished up by rushing forwards, grabbing her by the straps she called her clothing, and then slamming her head brutally into the same girder that had, earlier in our fight, nearly broken my spine. She collapsed right alongside me, and I saw her grin as the biotic glow dissipated from her skin; her consciousness too far gone to manipulate the dark energy.
"Fucking good fight James," I heard her grumble as her concussion slurred her speech, and I grunted in what passed for a chuckle – darkness encroaching on my vision.
"You too Jack, you too."
When I next woke up I found myself looking at a shockingly familiar white ceiling, and didn't even bother sighing. At least this time I wasn't in restraints. A moment later Karin's face filled my vision and she sighed as she looked down at me. "Honestly James, what am I going to do with you?"
"Urgh," I managed, my mouth feeling like somebody had packed it with cotton wool, and she rolled her eyes before reaching out of my field of vision and coming back with a cup and straw, which I gratefully sucked at when she held it to my lips. "How long?" I said after my mouth wasn't synonymous with the Sahara desert, and she sighed again before consulting a data chart.
"Three days, Mister White," oh I was in trouble if she was calling me that, "because of several fractures in your skull, two broken and three fractured ribs, a dislodged vertebrae, a broken ulna, a fractured femur, oh… and three cracked knuckles." I closed my eyes and winced. All that was probably the reason I was feeling like Death mildly warmed over. "And the Commander's been down here the entire time – she fell asleep about two hours ago."
I looked over, wincing at the pain that lanced through my skull, and saw that indeed she was sat next to my bed; her head slumped but not enough to hide the dark lines beneath her eyes. I sighed, knowing precisely why she was so tired, and then turned my eyes back up to Karin. "How's Jack?"
She looked down at me with a raised eyebrow. "Well she's hobbling around with her leg in a holo-cast, and she's got a few broken ribs that are on the mend, but unlike you she didn't have multiple skull fractures so she hasn't been out of it."
"Ah."
"You really shouldn't encourage her," she chastised me, "she looks forwards to your near-death fights."
"Meh, she's a tough girl." I just got a sigh in return, and she went back to the data-pad. "Is she going to wake up anytime soon?"
"I slipped a sedative into her drink," she informed me drolly, "though with her cybernetic implants it'll probably wear off in an hour or two. Oh, and we have a drell aboard now – his name is-"
"Thane Krios," I interrupted as I tentatively sat up, helped by Karin when she saw what I wanted. "I heard he has Kepral's Syndrome."
"And how did you hear that considering you've been unconscious the entire time he's been on the ship?"
"I have ears everywhere Karin," I fired back with a cocky grin, but promptly winced when she clapped me across the top of my head and aggravated my still-healing bones.
I noticed she'd fallen silent and stopped typing, and turned my head towards her knowing full well just what line of questioning I was about to be subjected to. "The Commander has been very withdrawn since you both came back from your date. She was distraught when she discovered that you were in the Hospital Wing."
"I'm sure she was," I said as I slowly slid onto my feet and tested my balance and strength.
"What happened James?"
I looked over my shoulder and sighed. "I told her that I loved her."
It was quite clear that my long-time friend had not in any way been expecting that as the reason for Erin's actions. "Well then why has she been muttering apologies pretty much every minute she's been down here?"
I raised an eyebrow at that little bit of information, but after a moment realized that I shouldn't have been surprised. I still had no idea just what had made her become so instantly and intensely distant to me, but just like me she'd needed some time to think about it. When I'd asked for a fight from Jack I hadn't expected to be unconscious for three whole days. "I wouldn't know… last time I saw her I was getting the silent treatment and she could barely bring herself to look at me."
"She didn't- what happened?!"
It took me ten minutes to give her my thoughts on the matter, as well as a recount of what had happened, and she leaned forwards in her chair; her fingers steepled and her chin resting on top of them. "The Commander has had a very hard life, James."
"I know that," I said, more than a little affronted, and she held up her hands disarmingly.
"I know you do James, but perhaps you should think about the effect your words and commitment have had on her. She was dead for nearly two years and brought back to life by an organisation that she hates. She is almost equal parts synthetic and 'human' now – even her skin was artificially grown back. Her body is foreign to her, even now, months after waking up. She has glowing scars, though your hack to change the colour has made her more comfortable, and the ERCS engineers finished installing the dermal recovery unit," she pointed to a complex piece of equipment hovering over one of the beds, "which will also help… but she sees herself as an abomination; worse, a Cerberusabomination.
"Every single person she's cared for has been hurt or killed, save her mother but then again she and the Commander hardly have a close relationship. You know as well as I do, and the Commander knows too, that an 'I love you' from you isn't something you'd throw around on a whim." I nodded, understanding where she was going with her train of thought, and she nodded back – acknowledging that she knew I knew. "By letting you in as a lover… well you'll become the most important person in her life. Hell James, you probably already are. By saying those words back to you she is giving you the ability to tear her apart. If you died now I have no doubt it would cause massive problems and send her into a deep depression… but she'd live and fight. If she accepts your love and returns it then you dying would utterly ruin her."
I could see where she was going, but I just still couldn't understand why Erin hadn't said anything to me – even a small indication that she was thinking about it too and wasn't outright locking me out. Karin must've seen the look on my face because she sighed and reached over to take my hands. Her light blue eyes met mine, and I felt her squeeze my fingers. "She has never given her love to another like you are asking her to do. If she does then I doubt she ever would again. Although it's against my code of patient confidentiality… I believe you have the right to know that your psych profiles match in that aspect – both of you are careful and guarded with your feelings, and yet when you give into them you do so utterly. To say 'I love you' for both of you is almost synonymous with an Asari-lifebond – only without the melding."
She sighed and released my hands, but I didn't dare break eye-contact with her. I trusted her with my life, and she was one of my closest and oldest friends… and any advice from her I treated like pure eezo. "She is scared, James. She is scared that if she gives into her feelings then she will compromise herself and possibly doom the galaxy."
And then I understood. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd told her that she was the one to use the crucible; that she'd be the one to make the choice of where the galaxy would go. I'd told her that the survival of every species relied on her, and then I'd virtually asked her to tie our lives together intimately – where either of us dying would ruin the other. By allowing herself to love me and accept my love she was risking breaking completely if I died, and in turn damning the galaxy because she would be unable to continue on.
While she was the strongest woman I knew, and I was strong myself, really… both of us were broken in different ways; so fragile underneath our soldier-like facades that we presented outwards. Our metal resolve and strength stemmed from our emotions, and despite the determination to save the galaxy and the feelings of responsibility we had in regards our mission that one act of losing the person closest to our hearts - an act that the galaxy as a whole would see as unimportant - would wholly destroy us.
It seemed almost silly that the warrior of our cycle could be brought down by something that many would see as trivial or at the very least not as important as the survival of trillions… but I knew precisely where Karin was coming from. I knew for a fact that if Erin died I wouldn't see the reason to carry on. I'd pass off control of my company to my top team so that they could finish Haven, but then after that I'd probably just wait for the Reapers to come for me, or put a gun to my own head to save myself the wait.
It seems over the top, or would to most, but to me it just seemed natural. What was the point in living when the person you'd entrusted your entire being to was dead? Wouldn't it be better to die and take the chance to possibly see them again if the afterlife was real instead of living an empty life?
I shook my head and looked over at the sleeping Commander, the woman who had my heart in the palm of her hand, and smiled softly. "How deep under is she?"
Five minutes later and I was hobbling out of the medical bay with Shepard cradled in my arms. Thankfully it was the night cycle so the crew deck was deserted and I managed to make it to the elevator without anybody busting us. A few seconds later the elevator pinged open again, letting me step out onto the Captain's Quarters level, and I walked into our room before using voice commands to lock down the door. She weighed next to nothing, though my heavy muscle weave could have had something to do with that, so I didn't have too much trouble save an aching rib-cage and throbbing head as I lay her on the bed, took off her shoes and hoodie, and then tucked her underneath the covers.
I stood there looking at her for a long time after that, debating whether or not I should get in next to her like I had been before our date, or whether I should 'err' on the side of caution and sleep on the couch. But the more I looked at the bags beneath her eyes and reflected on what Karin had said the more I came to the former. I must've stood there for at least five minutes before finally moving, shucking off my hoodie, pants, shoes, and shirt and putting my cap on the bedside table. I still had my jockeys and a singlet on, because I wasn't going shirtless until I got the explicit green light, and slid underneath the covers before curling myself to her back and wrapping one arm over her side where my hand came to rest on her clothed stomach.
I wasn't about to undress her either.
My hand ached to rise further in order to cup her breast and pull her closer to me, but I resisted and hoped like absolute buggery that it wouldn't move of its own accord during the night. It wasn't easy to get to sleep, and so when Shepard finally started throwing off the sedative I was still awake.
Where I took around ten minutes to flush it out enough to gain any sense of coherence, clearly her cybernetic implants helped her do that way faster. Within seconds she was moving, and by the half-minute mark she had stiffened. "You're in your room, in bed," I told her quietly, "and I'm pretty well dressed and you're in your singlet and pants." I felt her relax a fraction and relaxed myself.
"You okay?"
I nodded against her shoulder. "Yeah… still aching and it'll be a day or two before I'm moving like I was… but I'm alright. I think Ishould be asking if you're alright though. Karin told me you'd hadn't slept properly in nearly two whole days."
She was dead silent for almost a minute, but she hadn't stiffened. If anything she'd slumped. "I hadn't."
"Yeah, I gathered. It's why she knocked you out with a tranquiliser."
She gave a small grunt. "So that's why my mouth feels like cotton wool."
I really couldn't help but chuckle at that, and rolled over slightly to grab a glass of water I always kept on the bedside table for when she woke up from nightmares. When I tapped it against her forehead in the darkness she mumbled a quiet thank you and relieved it from my fingers. A moment later I heard it clink against her side's bedside table as she set it down again.
There was another stretch of silence that made me want to cringe, but my arm stayed around her waist and I stayed spooned to her back. I could've tried to prompt her or hurry her along, but to be quite honest I thought I'd done enough. I'd said those three words that you really don't say unless you're seriously invested in a relationship – baring those that are just complete jerks – and I'd risked enough doing that.
I wasn't about to risk anything else, but I wasn't above saying that I felt scared to death of Shepard at that moment. Not because she was rebuilt with Cerberus funding, not because she was lethal on the battlefield, not because she was The Commander Shepard, but because she had the very real ability to ruin me. If her not talking to me after a confession made me want to get into a near-fatal fight with Jack then I had no idea what I would do if she rejected me.
I'd never thought I'd ever be so attached, attracted, or just plain out in love with anybody before, and the wild emotions and amount of value I put on our relationship was terrifying. I'd never felt so out of control and yet happy at the same time when I was with Erin.
"I'm sorry for not talking to you."
I had to try and find the right words, so I was silent for a moment before answering. "I could tell you don't worry about it… but I'd be lying. Just a couple of words would've helped me keep calm." I felt her slump guiltily. I sighed and gave her a small squeeze when I felt she'd stewed enough. "But if you promise to never do that to me again I'll forgive you."
"I promise," she returned immediately, and I smiled before nodding against the back of her head.
"Okay."
I was waiting for something more from her, but after nearly five minutes I'd gotten nothing. I wondered if she'd really meant her promise considering she wasn't talking to me again when I thought I'd made it clear I wanted her to, but just as I was about to voice my concerns she spoke. "I can't say it back."
That brought me up short. "Er… why?"
I dearly hoped that she wasn't going to say 'well I don't love you'. "You know what could happen if I did."
I was relieved on one hand, and exasperated on the other. I decided to voice the latter. "Because you'd be ruined if something happened to me?" I felt her nod and gave a small huff of irritation. "Trust me when I say that I'm not trying to guilt trip you with this Erin, but you do realize that I'm already in that situation… right?" She didn't answer, so I endeavoured to explain just how invested I was in our relationship. "I've said those words. I've told you that I love you." I felt her stomach tense. "If something happens to you I'm done for. If you die then chances are I'll do something stupid just so that I can join you."
She was silent again for the moment, but I could feel that she wanted to speak. When she did I could hear the strain in her voice. "You have no idea how much I want to say the same to you," she managed, "but… but I have the whole galaxyrelying on me to finish this. I can't die again until I reach the crucible."
"Okay," I said firmly, and I physically flipped her over so that she was facing me while simultaneously turning up the lights above. I looked down at her in the dim light and almost glared, and she was looking up at me with wide eyes. "Two things," I said as I sat up and looked down at her, crossing my arms for extra effect and trying not to let my frustration creep into my voice, "one; you're not going to die. I've got my people working on a way to keep you alive and still achieve Synthesis." Her jaw slackened slightly and I held up a second finger, "And to be quite honest, Erin, you need to be selfish for once.
"Of course I'm being selfish by telling you to be selfish, but that's entirely beside the point. You may be reluctant to say the words, Erin, but from what I can gather you want to, which means that you love me. Now be honest and tell me that even without saying the words you wouldn't fall apart if I died right now."
Okay, apparently I was into throwing my own advice out the window. So much for no pushing. Her jaw was slack, her mouth hanging slightly open, and her green eyes were wide with shock. I truly think she was genuinely brain-frozen for several seconds, because with a start she seemed to come back on-line. Her booting procedures apparently consisted of a huge, full-face blush, followed by a trembling lip, and then full-blown crying. To say that I was floundering was like saying that Pope Benedict XVI looks creepy – i.e. massive understatement.
I was torn between hugging her and wiping her tears away, and finally decided on doing both by pulling her upwards across my lap and allowing her to bury her head into my chest; her tears soaking into my singlet. I'd seen her cry after nightmares, but never like this. When she cried she just let the tears go silently, but right here, right now… she was sobbing. I could feel the great, heaving breaths she was drawing in and then crying back out again.
Like she was, on my lap with her arms wrapped as hard as she could around my torso and crying her eyes out… she felt so delicate it just wasn't funny. Where normally she exuded an air of authority and strength she was now positively radiating vulnerability. She knew that I knew that she loved me, even if she hadn't said the words. In a way it was just as bad because her cries and reaction was almost as if I had asked her if she loved me and she'd said yes.
Her emotions had betrayed her, but amongst the cries I could hear relief, and despite her heaving sobs her body was relaxed completely for the first time since I'd met her. She'd let herself completely go in front of me, and if that wasn't a proclamation of love then I didn't know what the hell was. Even though it was unneeded, the next words she spoke truly did make me nearly cry in relief. In-between hiccoughs of sobbing those three words finally made their way out. "I love you."
If you've ever had to confess and then wait to have it returned, you'll know precisely the feeling of relief that flooded through me. To those that haven't ever had to put their heart on the table and have it sitting there… the relief and subsequent rush of complete and utter happiness is unfathomable. Many men, and indeed women, would have you believe that it's corny or soppy, but if they've ever been in that situation then they would agree even if it was silently. There's nothing else quite like it.
I tightened my hold on her and smiled against her scalp. "I love you too Erin." Her sobbing only increased in intensity, but I had the impression that they were cries of exultation rather than her previous cries of fear. "And neither of us is going to die if I can help it," I assured her. I don't know how long we sat there in the dim light, but in spite of the fact that she had the build of a soldier not once did she feel too heavy. She seemed as content as I was to just sit there and calm herself.
She finally moved from her position against my chest, and a moment later I felt her lips press against my neck. I really couldn't help but smile, and pulled my head back so that I could look down at her. The kiss was so soft I almost couldn't believe it, so tender it was heart-wrenching, and so languidly given that the entire universe seemed to disappear into the background. I felt a calloused yet soft hand come to rest against the back of my neck and tug slightly, and I just didn't care about the consequences anymore. When she shuffled around to straddle my lap and my arms came around her back I realised for the first time the extent of her petiteness.
She felt like she could break at any moment, that she was so fragile that even a single harsh movement would shatter her. Perhaps I was thinking about her emotions, the self that she kept hidden deep down inside so that nobody could find and hurt it, but she was baring that to me and letting me in. I knew right then that I held the key to Erin. I had the ability to utterly ruin her with just a few words of rejection. Many would give their lives to be in my position, and most not for friendly purposes.
Getting Shepard out alive and helping her save the universe wasn't enough anymore. Had I not fallen for her, or her for me, things would have been so much easier. I wouldn't have had to worry about myself, and until she kissed me and surrendered herself to her emotions for the first time in Goddess knows how long I didn't to an extent. Saving the universe and keeping Shepard alive was enough. Now, however, I couldn't die without hurting Erin in such a way that she would probably see death as preferable.
Despite knowing what was coming, the stress of war was inevitable. We weren't anywhere near Mass Effect 3 yet, and the only things I would allow myself to change were done in the shadows so that I didn't upset the time-line and ruin my knowledge of the future, and I'd made the decision to not do things like warn Earth when the time came, or the Citadel about Cerberus' future attacks. I had made the decisions, albeit with Erin's support, and I was already wearing thin by having such responsibility on my shoulders.
And the war hadn't even started yet.
If I felt stretched thin then Shepard was stretched even thinner, and that was saying something. I know that if somebody had told me before I came to the Mass Effect universe that killing one's self would be preferable to living without somebody I would have stared at them as if they were crazy. But truly, with what we were doing and who we are, to have the person that we loved, trusted, and leaned on for support torn away from us would snap our minds. I needed Erin. I needed her to show me that I wasn't a monster I sometimes saw myself as, I needed her to reassure me that I was doing the right thing, I needed her like I needed air.
Like a baby from the womb taking its first breath, now that I had her I couldn't go without.
I felt her tongue swipe across my lips and shivered lightly at the feeling, and just as her arms tightened around my neck mine tightened around her shoulders. I'd kissed a girl once before at a party, and while it had been enjoyable it simply couldn't compare to kissing Erin. It felt like I was in a dream. There was no rush in either of our movements. Her tongue tangled with mine and for the first time I tasted her. It was no surprise I got a hint of cinnamon. Ever since I'd brought her a packet of Big Red gum on Illium she hadn't been able to get enough of it.
When I was younger I thought that kissing must be the most boring thing on Earth to do. Had I been able I would have gone back in time and slapped myself silly. Over an hour later our kisses slowly subsided, tongues retreating, until only small intermittent pecks on the lips remained. No words needed to be spoken. I felt some tugging at my t-shirt and helped her slip it over my head, and after some more kisses helped her with her own. Our pants followed soon after, thrown haphazardly somewhere off the bed, and she finally settled her head on my pillow to kiss me again. It was clear to me that she was just as inexperienced as I was with kissing, as well as physical relationships, but learning together and slowly exploring what we liked was exhilarating.
I had just woken up from injuries, and Erin from drug induced unconsciousness just over an hour prior, and the emotional toll, however positive the outcome, was making itself known. Our kisses slowly became less frequent until I felt Erin shuffle slightly lower and rest her head against my chest, and even as darkness engulfed my mind I could feel a smile twitching at my lips as I felt the woman I loved and who loved me still and begin breathing deeply and evenly.
For once in this mad, violent, dangerous universe I felt completely at peace.
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