Trembling like leafs in autumn,blood running through my head ,stressed,anxious.I didn't know if I should either regret or accept the sin I have committed,having lost interest in life,I tried all sorts of guilty pleasures to get high and escape the reality I have been trapped in,maybe it's just an excuse I made up to protect myself from "the common sense".I knew it was illicit but here I'm doing it again.The way to repent is easier however I can't seem to be willing to take it.

Cold tears streamed down my face as the curtains flew ,blowed by the wind.Taking peeks standing next the opened window "today again the weather doesn't share my sweet dilemma " the sun shining brightly mocking and ignoring that wounded heart of mine. Suddenly the curves of my lips lightened up "so this is what people mean by loneliness "

-If only I could disappear to mere dust -

The sanity I have kept during the last three years is fading away.After living seventeen years I came to the conclusion of my emptiness.The spot supposed to be treasuring the depth of my feelings is now but a 'dark hole'.

Since a very young age and as far as I remember people always viewed me as a distant and unsocial child so to fit into the society 's standers , I shut down the voice inside of me ,growing pleasing everyone around me " the perfect being " hidden. Expressing emotions or I may say 'faking feelings' I don't sense the nonetheless of it.

The mask being too polished eventually broke into million of pieces exposing me to the scary and cruel world we are living in,making me more vulnerable to the eyes tailing me.It didn't take less than a month for the castle I have been building to shatter by tin air leaving me disgusted of who I became . The pride that once glittered in my parent's eyes turned to shame towards the "new daughter"

'Spoiled or wake up from your lethargic phase' was it? What these dear parents stated whenever my confiding and suffering didn't seem to reach an end,denying their defeat scared to lose and not fulfill their "parenting".

-No longer living-trying to survive-

I have been granted a cherishing family unfortunately it doesn't go the way around. Attachment is probably an unknown feeling I wouldn't get to experience this lifetime since I never loved my family and I'm surely capable to no shred a single tear or let sadness take over if one of them came to die (god only knows why?)

Escaping and cutting ties was the only dream I woke up for these years. Still guilt devoured every inch of my body ,every praise every gifts I received weighted on my mind as a debt to pay growing and showering me with an even great uneasiness.

"Blood ties are the strongest " my dad's favorite quote which I don't knowledge 'If only he knows ' this thought ringed conquering my mind .

In early stages of my life I wanted to be mistreated ( unexpected isn't) resulting of doubting and confusing myself for a Masochist. In fact i have been justifying my hatred to those who bought me to life.

-Am I that bad of a person- (the unanswered question )

Death is the only remedy to my incurable sickness that drowns me apart . Suffocated , life is drowning me day by day deep down an ocean of tragedy . Breathing is impossible in that world filled with thorns made by the only god especially for a lowly and sinful soul.

.Lilith