~Liam~
I motioned for Ramona to take a seat at the table, observing her from the corner of my eye. She met my gaze hesitantly before settling into a chair, resting her chin on her palm somewhat anxiously. She looked bored, but I knew that just meant that she was kind of afraid.
Heat burst from the oven when I opened it, and it fogged my glasses up. I was temporarily rendered blind from the steam while I lifted the tray from the rack, and fumbled around trying to find the handle to shut it. It closed with a huge bang and I flinched. Behind me Ramona sucked her teeth and stared at me silently, seeing my movements through wise eyes.
I poked at the salmon on the tray with a toothpick. Upon closer inspection, the fish flaked back and forth; this meant that it was perfect. I involuntarily smiled at my achievement before dropping some pieces onto a plate. Of course, I gave Ramona more than me--since I weighed a lot more than she did--but also because she was always reluctant to eat.
Ramona swallowed at the sight of the food while I sat down across from her. "Thank you for the food, Liam. Man, I haven't had salmon in so long..." Her voice trailed off.
"No problem. This is just something short and sweet, though. It's still early." I dipped the salmon in paprika before replying.
I could tell that she was confused, and that was fine. Why not leave it as a suspenseful surprise, after all? Leave her to wonder...
I watched. Waited for her to pick up her fork. And when she did, she only lifted it to her lips once. Once, before setting it back onto the table again.
Ramona stood up, nodding nonverbally to me before letting her chair squeak away from the table. She left in the direction of the bathroom, but I didn't bother trying to tell where she'd really gone. This happens almost daily, after all...
I couldn't do anything about the retching sounds that I heard.
~~~
~Liam~
Ramona's ribs jutted out beneath her skin awkwardly while she pulled her shirt over her head. I wasn't looking on purpose or anything; I just happened to catch it from the corner of my eye.
I'd given her some warm clothes to fit into. I didn't know if they'd fit or not, but it wasn't like we had a whole lot of other choices if they didn't. Thankfully, when she finally meandered out of my bathroom, she came in full dress and seeming pretty snug in my outfit size.
She looked like a burrito. I resisted the urge to snort but a little smile escaped me before I could halt it.
Her head covered by a parka hood and her fingers covered in gloves, her torso was surrounded in three layers before greeting the fringes of my old parka. Boots sat clunky on her toes as she wriggled around, trying to pry her gloves off in order to rearrange her huge scarf. Of course, I hadn't meant for her to look like this in the first place. I didn't want Ramona to be cold or anything...
Ramona giggled through her layers. It was this harsh-sounding, muffled noise that echoed through the empty room. Using her now-bare finger to yank down her scarf, she spoke cheerfully into the house. "So, are we all ready now? For whatever we're going to be doing?"
I chuckled. "Yes, this all we needed," I gestured to our clothes, "and all we need to do now is leave. Anything you want to get before we go?"
She shook her head. "Nope."
I smiled at her hopefully, telling her to put her gloves back on before we set out. She pulled them on and gave me this little thumbs-up that made me feel somewhat joyful. Then, flipping open the latch on the screen door and stepping outside, we greeted the nighttime with glory about to greet us.
~~~
~Ramona~
The path down to our destination was long and winding, however, it also came with some hurdles to overcome.
I'd had no idea this existed beforehand, but when you left Liam's place you were met with a steep dropoff that leveled into the forest. Below us lay that wide expanse of trees and something deeply foreboding. But still, we kept on as if we were on a journey somewhere incredible and trekking for treasure.
We were only a few feet from the house when Liam reached for my arm, gently pulling me closer to him. I flushed at his actions for only a moment, though--his finger was pointing beneath us. Not to the woods, but to the ancient stepping stones that marked a graceful path down the hillside. The first lay directly near his home and Liam gestured for me to take a step forward.
Liam jammed his hands in his pockets casually, taking the first step through that I myself could not. I swallowed as I observed him descending. Then, without warning, he suddenly swiveled back around to meet my gaze with a world-defying stare.
His eyes were sharp and silent in such a way that I felt my arms getting chills. They sat and watched me with such a recalcitrant glare and spoke with this rebellious, soft voice that I knew that all of this--all of this effort to get me out here--was for something incredible.
I took a shaky step forward. At that stage, I don't think I really had a choice.
But that look of his, where his eyes were a blade with murderous intent, stayed the same. They remained, glancing around us and allowing him to take these long, shuddering breaths. Like calming ones, meant to comfort someone upset. Breathe, and you'll feel better.
I clung to the elbow of his sleeve for support; I wasn't about to fall off this rocky cliffside. Even with the stepping stones to guide us down, they didn't make things any less difficult. Neither did Liam's gaze. But, I suppose, those wandering thoughts could all be left for a later time…
We reached the bottom with my entire body trembling from fear of falling, even though we were already done with the rocks. Liam seemed to notice from the corner of his eye. I could see him staring with a fixated expression. I bit my lip anxiously at the sight, chewing through my skin as if that would help get rid of Liam's scariness.
It did not. I still held tightly to his sleeve, but I had now gripped his entire arm. Like I didn't have a care in the world. I hoped he wouldn't mind my terror over all of this, though. I couldn't stand it if he actually got pissed at me. What would he do? What would he say to me, or would he scream?
Idiot. You're just thinking of him as Markus, and he's not that asshole. Stop it.
We were just walking now, so quiet and so unbearably silent that I could hardly stand it. The only noise was the hooting of owls and the nervous twitter of creatures that broke through the woods. No birds were out chirping, and no sun shone on our skin. In fact, our only company was the other and the clouds that were rapidly moving across the bitter sky.
My lips dripped blood; I'd been biting sub-consciously.
All around us, the trees trembled with freezing wind and settled into an unusual rhythm. The Autumn leaves, which had already fallen to the earth, crunched under our feet and let the twigs snap beneath our weight. I imagined that this place looked much better during the summertime, though, and not the dead of night during winter. Because now, the atmosphere was so frigid and our bodies so frozen up that we could hardly move through the chill. Just standing normally took a lot more effort than it would normally and that definitely wasn't a good sign.
Liam gripped my hand firmly in the darkness. I flinched but attempted to keep my composure, being practically dragged along by him through the woods. But ahead of me, Liam didn't seem to mind our environment. In fact, it was only I that seemed to be shivering and shuddering with terror. Liam looked as if he just got home.
Branches scraped along our legs and wind whistled through the dead leaves, which rendered them floating amongst everything else. They smacked against our cheeks and whipped themselves into our hair. And all the while, the night appeared to be getting more unforgiving and much colder.
Liam unstuck his soft hand from mine and flattened it against me. He wanted me to stop so abruptly that I started before I completely halted.
A few feet away from where we stood, there lay this bubbling creek that was struck across the forest. Its bed consisted of mud and multicolored rocks. Somehow, even through the cold, the water had not yet frozen over; it was merrily running along and streaming down as far as the eye could see. I envied the creek. It seemed capable of going farther than I ever could, and it did so with such a cheerful disposition…
Liam nudged me with his elbow, directing my attention to where he was pointing: a few large stones that pulled across the waters, perfect for crossing. You could probably fit an entire human on those and they wouldn't be complaining.
If we went into the water (which wasn't very deep at all) we would definitely freeze over in the winter chill, and that wasn't exactly an option. So, instead, we were left with only the choice to walk across those rickety-looking stones. Or, at least, they seemed all wobbly to me. At that point, my vision was getting all bleary from staying up so late. But whatever Liam exactly wanted to show me--and wherever we were going--the thought intrigued me more than anything.
Liam motioned for me to follow after him, and he took the first cautious foot toward the creek. With all his casualness and mystery he could probably hop across those ancient stones on one foot. I didn't to see that occur, really, but the way that he was acting struck me as quite odd.
My feet slid across the wet stones. I hardly kept upright, since Liam was gazing at me so powerfully and yanking me over to him before I fell. He kept my body close and let small puffs of white escape into the winter air. And he stood, silently, letting me walk away from him and cross the creek, while his hands flopped to his sides in sudden defeat.
Defeat. From what?
He crossed too, solitary. He was so smooth in his movements--just waltzing across without a worry in the world. But at the same time, he also slid his hand into mine the instant that he made it over, and that made me simply confused. Why did he always seem to desire to hold me near him? Protection? Or something else…
The next five minutes or so were spent with me feeling nervous and trying to cover up my bloodied skin. Thankfully the nighttime was dark and Liam didn't seem to be observing me too closely. One had to think about Liam's supposed reaction when he saw what I had done to myself.
Then, quite suddenly and randomly, the trees were thinning. Leaves were becoming sparse. No longer did twigs shatter beneath our weight. The world was growing quieter, more serene as we went along. Creatures of the night fluttered amongst the trees at the sight of humans, shuddering and twitching in the dead grass. Liam exhaled sharply just as we broke into a clearing.
His breathing had become labored, this wild look on his face. But I knew that he would still go. After all, he was the one who had dragged me along and the one who had essentially demanded me to come down the steps. He knew the power over his own words, the power over his own expressions. And he used those abilities well.
I closed my eyes. Allowed myself a sense of air. Felt the clean atmosphere slice through my lungs. Let his gaze break me, destroy me so unlike Markus. Yes. Scorch my hands and my will to live, you bastard. Strike me with your full force and shatter my skull with your fists. You're the same old monster I met you as, and you will not change.
YOU WILL NOT CHANGE. YOU ARE THE UGLY ONE. ALLOW ME THIS. ALLOW ME A MOMENT OF BLISS IN MY MISERABLE LIFE. GRANT ME WISDOM IN THE MOMENT. SHOULDER THE BURDEN. TAKE MY HANDS, MY FEET, AND MY EYES. I WILL SURRENDER MYSELF TO THE SOUND OF YOUR CRUEL VOICE. I WILL DIE AT YOUR WRITTEN WORD. I WILL KNEEL BEFORE YOUR JUDGEMENT AND I WILL WEEP AT YOUR LOSS. TAKE MY SOUL, AND I WILL NOT MIND.
BUT YOU WILL NOT TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY.
My fingers brushed against Liam's face. Slowly. Kindly. He halted in his behavior, in his ragged, broken breaths that spoke of sheer panic. He stared down at me in bewilderment, eyes unblinking. His cheeks were flushed pink and his legs shook from terror.
He is so like you in ways that I cannot possibly fathom, Ramona.
'Indeed. Perhaps that is what will motivate me to do this.'
No… I think that you've already wanted to do this long before, right? You thought about it, questioned its morals and your own principles. But now, look at where you are~ Aren't you just so proud?
'Not quite. I suppose that this action is simply a telltale sign that I do not know how to interact with people normally--or, at least, I have no idea how to talk to Liam.'
Ah, he is sort of an amalgamation of sorts, isn't he?
'He truly is.'
Don't let me stop you.
'Don't worry. I will not.'
A chuckle. Then silence, the conversation between myself and Fear left for another day. Yes; I knew that I wasn't going to be afraid. Fear had let me be. Fear had abandoned me in a moment that I thought I wouldn't possibly be without it. And now…
I went in for the kill. Obviously. Isn't that how Old Ramona used to do things?
I held his chin gingerly between my fingertips, lifting myself up on my tippy toes to get higher up. Then, using all my might not to either die of fright or simply keep going, I heard Liam gasp when I kissed him. Calm yourself, Liam. I figure that you'd have more self-control than this, and you'd be able to work out whatever it is you're struggling with.
He sat there and took it like it was a punishment rather than something meant to make him stop being all upset and panicky. And really, I was seriously starting to consider if this was even the smartest thing to do. But that terrifying look on his face and his weird actions had screwed with my head more than I was certainly willing to admit. I blinked a few times, only a few seconds into it when I knew I'd made an enormous mistake.
I moved my head away slightly, so slightly that whenever I was nearly about to slide back onto the ground, Liam whipped his hand up and caught me on the back.
Oh. No.
OH MY GOD OH NO OH CHRIST WHAT HAVE I DONE was all I could really think about at the moment, because really--what else should I consider?
Liam went all quiet. He was frozen in the act, his hands twitching like he was trying, frustrated, to find out what the hell to do. But it seemed like he had already chosen long beforehand.
He smelled like vanilla and strawberries. That's all I want to say about it.
He nodded at me afterward, pointing his head in the direction of the end of the clearing we were already in. I unconsciously touched my lips; they were panging with pain, most likely from when I had bitten them so hard. When I pulled my hand back, no blood from me biting it was there. None was left at all, in fact. Like a clean slate.
Oh geez. Look what you made that poor guy do.
I nearly growled out loud. 'I so did not, you ass!'
A snort. Ugh, so salty. I figure you'd be at least slightly nicer after that, but I guess I was wrong~
I fought the urge to sigh heavily at it. 'Obviously not. The only person I'd be such an asshole to is you, after all. And you warrant that.'
Ha-ha, I think you're right. But how am I supposed to change myself? It's in my nature, after all.
'Don't ask me dumb questions. And anywho, I've got better things to think about.'
We'd reached our destination. I knew we had by the look in his eye, the one that had struck me so hard before. The one that essentially forced me upon someone I barely knew. And the one that was gazing at me now, hushed and oddly off-limits.
Haha. God, so he's stingy too? Jesus. You two need to get a life.
'Can you take a damn hint and leave me be?'
Ugh, fine.
A willow tree stood before us, branches sweeping in the night air and scraping across the mud. Some of its twigs had cracked off the trunk and left it surprisingly bare; I guess that this tree would be much more attractive if it wasn't so awful out.
But even this weirdness didn't particularly freak me out. To me, all that mattered in the moment was the fact that Liam was no longer trembling.
A thump resounded beside me. Liam had slid to his knees, his palms were fallen at his sides. Like he had been defeated. Like he had been in such pain, that, this was the only pose he could possibly take any more: one of sheer DEFEAT.
I leaned down next to him, hugging my knees and staring at him curiously. But also anxiously, too, for fear of what he might do next.
His arms rose. Liam's back arched in an almost half-circle. His eyes were closed. And it suddenly occurred to me, all at once, that he was bowing to this willow tree.
He rose. Fell. Rose again. Like the sun going up and down, and the moon sliding down out of sight. He was worshiping this object in such a way that it led me to believe that Liam was really just out of his damn mind.
But, no. Some deep, primal part of me knew this by instinct: Liam was not crazy. He was violin-toting, poem-writing, pink hair-wearing, and Greek God-looking. He was odd and mysterious in ways I might never understand. He made a bed out of a pile of knowledge and slept surrounded in it. He watched me more than I was probably comfortable with. Yet, that didn't mean he was crazy. Like I'd stated before, it simply meant that Liam was beautiful in ways that outsiders couldn't see.
He stopped, short of breath and his face even more flushed than it had been a few minutes ago. He glanced up at me, body shaking and his eyes wilder than I'd ever seen them. But his expression also seemed to want something from me: approval, perhaps? Confirmation that this was, in fact, the right thing that he should be doing?
I closed my eyes with a gentle smile on my face, one that took an effort to muster in the darkness. "You're fine," I told him with all the authenticity in the world.
His knees were caked with dirt. That seemed to be a downside to his little ritual, there. But he stood up, silently taking in the rest of the willow tree. He approached it wistfully, reaching it and spreading his long fingers over the bark.
Some pieces of the trunk chipped off awkwardly at his touch but his long stare at it seemed to be much more powerful.
His voice shattered the silence, the one explanation for all of this that I'd desperately desired. "Don't think that I'm insane or anything, Ramona."
I shook my head. This time a real smile curled onto my face. "I don't think that you're crazy at all, Liam. No one ever could."
He stood with his back to me and his words the softest whisper of doubt. "Don't think that I'm stupid, either, for doing any of this."
"I will never believe that you are, even if God himself told me so."
"Don't laugh at me, please, for any of my actions, no matter what they shall be." He shivered violently under the tree, his hands curling into miniature fists.
I closed my eyes. "You will never be an object of ridicule in my eyes, Liam. Don't let yourself believe that."
His fist fell off the tree's trunk. His body turned to meet mine, eyes so strong under the branches I found myself blinking many more times than I thought I normally would. "Then… listen."
I nodded. "Okay."
Liam sighed this harsh sound that stuck itself out in the night. But he reached for my hand instead of speaking. He pulled me alongside him, directing me to the opposite side of the willow and stopping right next to the bark.
Now I saw them. They stood, crisscrossed and cut jagged into the wood like they hadn't cared at all when they were here--the people who had sliced their names into this willow. All over the timber were many names and letters that were sharply made with knives. People marked not their names into this tree, but also their minds and souls.
And there, surrounded by a circle of empty space, was the phrase "KATHY+LIAM, 2009".
Kathy…?
"Isn't this weird, Ramona? All these people came here… like they were trying to discover who they were," Liam said. I nodded quietly without bringing my immense curiosity to light.
"Several people before us have crossed this barrier and found themselves in this very clearing. They've brought knives, others, and their hearts. And then…" Liam dropped my hand, "they simply tried to slice themselves into something else. A part of Earth, if you will."
I observed him, still silent. Speaking now might only bring trouble.
He inhaled sharply. "We did the same, Kathryn and I. We brought ourselves here, over those rickety stones and crossed the border of the creek. We entered this clearing wanting to sob and also desiring love. I was 12 and she was 15."
"But then again…" Liam trailed off as he turned his gaze upward, staring at a huge branch above our heads. But something was off about that branch--it was colored darker than the rest of the wood, this odd circle surrounding it. Like something had been there.
"She also wasn't one for sticking around."
~~~
1 MONTH LATER
~~~
~Ramona~
Every day, the winter took to its name, truly fierce and real.
White colored the forests now, water dripping from fresh icicles off the roof siding. Liam had told me to stand far away from the ice to watch it, but oftentimes I liked to stand directly underneath. To me, it seemed more like a demand to that ice: Why don't you just go on and fall on my head? I would welcome it. Perhaps if I suffered enough brain damage I could forget about that night, forget about the markings on the willow tree, and completely space anything else.
But yet, some part of me considered that night as something I should keep on my shoulders. Like the unknown burden that Liam carries, I should also hold it upon myself; whatever Liam knows, and whatever he sees. I'm scared at the same time, however, of what fate might greet me at the end of that path. My current theory is that if I hit my head hard enough I'll forget all of that, along with the fact that, on that hazy night, I kissed Liam.
Oh, Christ.
Although I supposed, this wasn't exactly the time to be thinking about such trivial things. Because at this very moment, I was standing in the laundry room shivering my ass off and waiting for the dryer to finish doing its job.
I cursed Liam under my breath for not installing proper insulation in the room. The floors were just bare concrete, and how are you supposed to keep warm with that? I wasn't about to go waltzing around the house wearing some of Liam's giant socks. I'd probably look retarded. Poking my head around the doorframe of the room and peeking out, I noticed that Liam was sitting on the couch and sipping coffee. I hope to God he doesn't come in here.
When I was (shockingly) left alone, I yanked my stuff out of the dryer and immediately slipped into my blazing-hot clothes and tried not to burn my hand off with the zippers. I heard Liam shuffling around in the living room, soon calling my name into the house.
"Ramona? Can you help me with something?" Liam asked.
I sighed before replying. "Yeah, what is it?"
Something echoed throughout the house, although I couldn't quite make out what exactly it was. "You'll have to come in here," Liam stated. I leaned out the laundry room's door, staring at his figure curiously. Pulling my hood down and walking into the kitchen, I approached Liam with a sense of slight confusion.
"I have a favor to ask," Liam said.
I rose an eyebrow in intrigue. "Really? What?"
He scratched the back of his head, leaning his elbow on the counter and letting the morning sun shine gold through his hair. If he doesn't reply in the next three seconds I'm pretty sure I'm going to die of anxiety.
He spoke quietly, just barely managing to get his words out. And when he did, I almost wished that I didn't hear them--just like Markus's mysterious letters. I wish that I hadn't heard them back then, but later, those words would be my last strand of hope.
He said, "I want you to meet someone."