beautiful trauma

today I lost my mother the only ray of hope left in my life i had no one,my mother was a single parent who raised me,we lived in Mumbai a city in India they call it the city of dreams,aspiring actors would generally migrate here in search of work, this city never really sleeps people are always busy it's always lively but how crazy it is that even in such a great chaos of people all around I was alone.It was never about money since i was a rich kid who still had enough to spend the rest of my life without any worries.My mom was a doctor and my dad is a builder but they got divorced when i was 5 ,dad was an alcohol abuser who would often end up practicing domestic violence and my mother was a victim actually a fighter,she decided to end their marriage and live alone with me I was often teased about not having a father people generally had 2 reactions to my situation one was sympathy and other was a weird combination of feelings that i m still unable to comprehend but it wasn't good i knew it from their facial expressions.persomally I preferred none I hated both of them and that was one of the reason why I never had friends.So I never really had friends or even family it was my mom only and now she is not with me any more but I had a couple of people with whom i still associate with in a way, my therapist and his wife they treated me as their family i don't know why they had this soft corner for me but they were really supportive when I was reported about my mother's dismissal outside the operation theater in the lobby I was stone cold, my blood was rushing fast I could feel my heart beat right in my mouth suddenly a tear rolled down to my cheeck the last person that I had was no more it felt like the end of this world I was alone all alone on my own now,I wanted to cry, to scream but I had no one to share these tears with I took my phone out and dialed the emergency number saved on my phone Mr. Patra my therapist after few seconds I heard a voice "hey,what happened is everything alright it's 3 in the morning what's the matter" I wanted to tell him about how my world has collapsed in a second but I was unable to utter even a word only tears came out but not even a single word i tried but I couldn't after struggling for a minute I said Mr.Patra mom's no more she left us can you come at the hospital, right now?" he immediately replied "I m coming don't worry i'll be there soon" I could sense his sadness through his voice I sat down on the floor all in tears I was numb after about a half an hour I felt someone's hand over my head it was Mrs. Patra I hugged her and cried I wanted to say alot but not even a word passed my mouth.She was crying too, my mom and she were good friends,we took mom home for the crimination ceremony only 3 people were there me and Mr and Mrs Patra but yet I felt alone I wanted to feel my mother's soft palm against mine her loving arms her sparkling eyes her beautiful smile it all came to me in a flash I could see every moment,kissing my forehead,hugging me, scolding me as I looked towards the kitchen I could see her cooking and calling my name I looked towards the couch she was there sitting on the sofa watching T.v. she was every where I bursted into tears Mrs.Patra held my hand and hugged me but I couldn't feel anything,soon she ( my mom) was taken to the graveyard and the whole crimination was done I was alone I sat there and cried till Mr. Patra told me that it was 7 in the evening and we have to go home I went with him in the car as I looked outside the window i felt like a kid who only wanted her mother nothing else just her mother to be with her my heart was aching, the only thing i could see was mom's face smiling,calling my name,scolding me,telling me that she loves me I bursted and cried as I reached home Mrs. Patra was already there waiting for us on the the dinning table of my house she kissed my forehead and said it's gonna be okay your mom won't be happy if she saw you like this you are a brave girl don't loose hope baby we are here with you, for you" I signed she asked me to take a shower I sat in the bathroom on the floor under the shower crying for long enough,I went downstairs I could barely see any thing my eyes were soo havy but as I looked up i could see mom ever where everything was just taking me back to my mom.I sat down to have food even though i wasn't hungry but Mrs patra was feeding me just like how mom did I miss her soo much...as I ate the food Mr and Mrs Patra talked to me they kept on consoling me telling me they were with me.I told them I was fine and I would rather want to spend the night alone so they could leave.They agreed and after we all had dinner they went to their home, "home" that's what they call it right? but i was homeless now I had a house but not a home the person who made this mansion a place to live was my mom and now she's gone I spend the whole night sobbing and soaking myself in the pool of tears.Missing every moment and I went to Mom's room took her photograph and pressed it against my chest.