"It was a chronic morass – a cavernous muddle of suffering."
That was how I customarily defined my state of mind whenever a heartbreak came. Nonetheless, it was different this time. I expected this to be as harrowing as my first time – but it wasn't. It was as if all the anguishes which were supposed to devour my amity did the contrary.
It was a day of realization – must have I not let go, it would have been a different story. My eyes were trying so hard but there wasn't any tear coming out from it. I gently slapped my cheeks – it was all real. Maybe, it just was not the outcome I was expecting. It was a long time coming, for sure. And from that moment, I knew my long-rotten core will start to casually rebuild itself from the putrid shackles of this fiasco.
I went to CJ's house in Iriga City to unwind. With a pack of cigarette and a huge bottle of mountain dew, we talked about how she threw me out of her life – and how breaking my heart helped me regain my peace of mind.
"So, what's your plan now?"
"You absolutely know me, CJ. I will not settle for anything less anymore. Besides, I already know what the people around us will say."
"That you're a piece of shit for leaving a sick person."
"That I'm a douchebag for breaking another woman's heart."
"Yep. You got it."
"I'm already looking out for those, CJ. Besides, what's new?"
He was totally aware how my societal image looked like – an intelligent and talented playboy who broke the hearts of many – which was true at some point. Personally, I believed it was funny for many to look down on me like they have not done anything foolish.
"Come on, Bro," he said. "You know how it goes. It's not the first time."
"I know, CJ. I know," I acknowledged. "I give zero fucks anyway."
"What if she comes back?"
"Who comes back?"
"Don't act like you do not know who I'm pertaining to."
"Angel?"
"Yes," CJ smirked.
I huffed my cigarette. "Why would she?"
"Because you are Patrick Prado!" he hollered. "Do you want me to enumerate all the girls who went crazy chasing after you?"
"Stop it, CJ."
"Now, answer me. What if she comes back?"
I queerly looked at the bottle I was holding, then gulped the soda.
"Honestly? I don't know," I confessed. "But I feel really good."
"Hold up. Good? How?"
"I don't know, CJ. I feel free."
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That day zoomed swiftly. As I was laid back on my bed, my phone whirred. Bryan and Marian mentioned me in our Facebook Group Chat, "Best Fucking Friends." Fretfully, I opened it and saw a bunch of questions about our breakup. I was confused because only CJ knew what happened.
"Who told you this shit?" I asked.
"Angel unfriended us," Bryan said.
Marian seconded, "She did."
I wasn't left with any other choice but to tell them. "Yes, we broke up."
Marian was aggravated. "What the fuck have you done this time?"
"She broke up with me. I haven't done anything wrong. You guys knew how we were."
"What's going on with her?" Bryan questioned. "I thought you were good."
"I thought so," I replied. "Let's just respect her decision, guys. But that will never change the fact that she dumped me without telling me what I have done. The only thing she said was that I was only thinking about myself. That's not even a valid excuse for me because you all saw how I fucked my life up for her."
It wasn't new to them, the situation I was in. In fact, both of them saw me fell and get back up. But, it was a different case with Angel. I wasn't hurt anymore. When she casted me off, it was as if I was a prisoner who got out of jail. For me, it was the best definition of freedom.
"I won't be surprised if there's another fly who will be trapped in the spider's web," Bryan clowned.
Marian laughed her lungs out. "HA-HA-HA! That's the spider's power, I guess."
"Come on," I said. "You best believe that?"
Although they were just making fun of me, I had a feeling that it may possibly happen again. Bluntly, the main cause why people called me a "player" is the fact that most of the time, I easily find new love one after another. Yet, the status quo did not approve of this because they saw it negatively.
My insights, on the other side of the spectrum, were different. I always believed that we need not to follow any rule to be happy – such as the "three-month" rule, which gave separated couples at least three months before entertaining new people. This did not make any sense to me.
Firstly, if our partner broke up with us, especially due to unreasonable motives then there must be no ruling on whatever we want to do. They had the guts to trounce our sentiments.
Secondly, we are all free to do what we desire as long as we never stepped on another one's foot.
And lastly, our actions must not be based on trends and stereotypes. This was one of the reasons why a lot of people call me a "cool weirdo." Cool – because I never thought about what many will say about me, as long as I was happy with what I did. Weirdo – because whatever I did was never trendy.
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It was almost two in the morning and I still have not fallen asleep. Probably because our breakup felt weird. I definitely found it amusing – at first I was crazy for her, did everything that I could to show and make her feel that I was sincere – and when my greatest fear came to pass, I felt stupendous.
Since I was having a hard time sleeping, I got up and went to our kitchen to get milk. Since it was super-hot, I softly blew it while I was messing around with my phone.
I didn't realize that I was already deleting our pictures permanently.