She sat there.
As the snow fell, it began to pile atop her shoulders and head hanging low. Slowly, droplets fell off her face, splashing into the snow beneath her before freezing over. Her body trembled, but how much of that was because of the temperature and how much was because of her, she couldn't tell.
If it was possible to hear a heart break, Kanako was sure she would've been able to hear the large crack that had opened up in hers. She had tried to confess. The feelings that she had been carrying around had been set to be finally given voice. And then, they were stopped short by the very girl those feelings were for.
As soon as Haruna had turned away, Kanako's mind had screamed at her to run after her. To move her legs. To use her voice. To do anything she possibly could to keep her from leaving… but she hadn't. Her legs had frozen. Her voice had caught. Her mind had gone blank.
So sure had Kanako been in her feelings and her love for Haruna that when she was suddenly denied, all she could do was… nothing. The shock was overwhelming. The sudden turn of events had thrown both her heart and mind for such a loop she nearly felt dizzy.
It was all ironic, in a way. Not too long ago, Kanako had been certain of her future with Akio. So certain in fact that she had never once questioned it. Now, here she was, doing nearly the same thing, except with Haruna. Was it a mistake to love like this? Kanako wondered. If loving this strongly only brought pain and misery, then…
Confusion coursed through her. Following that was pain, anguish and despair. Mixed in somewhere was anger, sadness and a flood of other emotions, but standing prominently out above the rest was the confusion. How had this happened? Was it really because she had waited too long? Did Christmas not hold enough impact for such a moment?
...Or was it her? Perhaps… Haruna had lost interest after all. Maybe she found someone new. However, for as quick as Kanako thought that, she sent the thought away. "She said it would be too painful to hear me reject her, so… she must still have feelings for me…" With that possibility gone, Kanako could only go back to being thoroughly confused.
But, for as much as she wanted to think about it, she could barely even manage to string together a couple of thoughts. They came and then passed, hardly spending any significant time in her brain before disappearing. The cause for this effect was her pain. She wanted to think about it, to try to be rational or logical or just simply find some explanation that made sense, but… it was just too much.
Love so strong it felt like it could take her over. That was the kind of love Kanako had for Haruna. It had taken a long and difficult road to get there, but once Kanako had realized how she felt, she had known there was no going back. What she had discovered, there was no way she could ever forget. It was that passion that tried desperately to tell her to go after Haruna, but its voice was drowned out.
The pain was too much. The shock was too much. The crack that had formed in Kanako's heart felt like a gaping abyss that could swallow the rest of her. It took what little mental ability she had available to prevent herself from wailing like a child. Although, her efforts did not stop the flow of tears.
Kanako didn't know how much time had passed, but it was clear based on the snow on her that it had been more than a few minutes. Her crying had slowed, but it hadn't yet ceased. Truly, it felt like her tears could keep pouring out forever. She had tried so hard, and it had all been for nothing.
...Or had she? If she had really tried hard, wouldn't she already be together with Haruna? She certainly wouldn't be sitting in the snow alone. If she had been a little more forward… if she had been a little less stubborn… maybe…
The pace of her crying picked up, but Kanako lacked even the strength to wipe them away. They fell in quick succession, one after the other, creating small holes in the white surface below. "Why…" she uttered for the countless time. It seemed to be the only word she could manage to say aloud. That, and weakly calling for the girl who was no longer present. "Haruna…"
Ever since realizing her love for Haruna, Kanako had felt that love grow day by day. She had felt affection for Haruna like she never had before. She had experienced what is was like to be jealous in a romantic sense. She now knew the desire of wanting nothing more than to be with the one you love. These were all things that were new to Kanako, to one degree or another, and they had been things she had hoped to build on. And now, those hopes felt like they had been reduced to dust.
There was no possibility that Kanako could just forget her feelings for Haruna. Somewhere, buried beneath the confusion, pain and sadness, was a fire burning for the girl she had grown up with. That fire had managed to bring her this far, and surely, it could get her what she truly wanted. However, at the moment, it was quiet, muffled by everything else sitting above it.
What was she supposed to do now? Kanako had no answers. Not even a guess came to mind. While emotions swirled inside her and tears fell on the outside, perhaps the best way to describe Kanako's overall state was simply… empty. Her eyes told of the depth of loneliness she felt, and her heart beat fell flatter with each successive thump.
What was she supposed to do now? The question repeated, for there was nothing else Kanako could bring herself to ask. She had plenty of other questions. Ones about Haruna, about her feelings, about Kanako herself and her own feelings. But she was afraid. What if she actually thought about those questions, and she found even more heartbreaking answers? Once they were asked, they could never be pulled back. Kanako understood that, and so she kept them all at bay. Specifically, there was one question in front of all of the others that threatened to slip out, but even that one was stopped. Kanako knew if she asked that one question in particular, then she might never be able to go back.
After what felt like both minutes and hours, Kanako slowly rose. Her knees were a bright red from the cold, and parts of her skirt had been soaked through by the snow that had melted onto it. As she stood up, more snow fell off of her, though she didn't both to brush any of it off of herself. With shaky legs, she turned. While the snow had continued to fall, it hadn't been enough to erase Haruna's footprints entirely.
Staring at them, Kanako found herself gradually trying to follow them. Haruna was much taller than Kanako, so naturally her stride was bigger, especially considering she had been in a hurry. With each step Kanako took, she fell just short of matching her predecessor. Her eyes fell. She stared at the footprints with an empty gaze. Then, she veered from them. Something about trying to follow them when she couldn't even match the stride only hurt her more.
Kanako forced her legs to move ahead. They kept going, barely managing to function the way they should, until eventually they reached the sidewalk. Leaving the glittering Christmas lights and tree behind, Kanako began to walk. She had no destination in mind, but she knew she wasn't going home. So she let her legs do as they wished.
That however, was a mistake. While they were able to carry her, they certainly weren't stable. Not too long into her aimless wander, Kanako hit a small patch of ice. Ordinarily, this wouldn't have been a problem. It was so small that all the ice should've done was cause a bit of a slip. Thanks to the state Kanako was in though, that proved to be quite the obstacle.
Hitting it, Kanako felt her foot go out from under her and her other leg give. Before she knew it, she was back to sitting on her knees on the ground, this time meeting the harsh mix of snow, ice and pavement. She sat there and stared, though there was nothing in her eyes. After trying to make her way somewhere and falling again, Kanako began to wonder if maybe she should just stay where she was.
But just as she wondered that, she heard footsteps approach. The were steady, unwavering, but as they approached, Kanako could hear them slow down. She had no energy to turn her head, but when she heard the voice that came from the person behind her, her eyes widened.
"Kana-chan?"
*****
Pain radiated within her as she ran. Her ankle was throbbing, but it didn't even compare to what she was feeling in her heart. Once again, Haruna was running. It felt bizarrely similar to when she had confessed, although she was headed straight home this time. She didn't want to talk to Chiyo. She didn't want to talk to anyone. All Haruna wanted to do was hide away from the world.
A part of her tried to tell her that she should go back. She hadn't finished hearing what Kanako was saying. If she went back, then maybe she'd hear the rest, and it wouldn't be what she was expecting. It was Christmas after all. What better time for miracles?
But it was too late. The other parts of Haruna all told her that. She had spent weeks feeding into her own negativity and doubt, and this was the result. She couldn't bring herself to believe that Kanako might've actually been about to accept her feelings, because that simply felt too optimistic to Haruna's current state of mind. Besides, even if that was true, what right did she have? Before allowing Kanako to get any further, Haruna had stopped her short and left her behind. If she went back now, would Kanako even want to finish what she had been trying to say?
So she kept going. Haruna's pace slowed, her ankle no longer allowing her to run as fast as she wanted to, but she kept going as quick as she could. Step by step, she distanced herself for Kanako. As she went along, Haruna wondered if that distance that she was now creating herself would become permanent. All those years ago, she had done something very similar. A huge misunderstanding, combined with feelings kept inside had resulted in Kanako and Haruna fighting for a long time. And now, here she was, doing it again.
Haruna understood. She knew that there was a chance that she had messed up. But, what if she hadn't? What if she was actually right and Kanako had really been about to reject her? That was something Haruna was sure she couldn't take. If there was even a chance of that happening, then Haruna believed it was better that she had run instead of sticking around until the end.
It wasn't much later that she arrived back at her house. Opening the door, she was met by her mother, who was surprised to see her daughter. "Haruna? I thought you were going to be out later with Kana-chan?" "...We ended the night early," Haruna muttered. "Did something happen?" her mother asked. "Oh, don't tell me you two got in another fight." "I don't want to talk about it," Haruna said shortly, quickly breezing past her mother and going up the stairs.
When she arrived in her room, Haruna looked in the mirror. "Ah…" she let out. Her hair, which had been done so well by Jasmine, was now a tangled mess. Her makeup was ruined too. Despite her best efforts, a few tears had managed to escape from Haruna's eyes. She had tried to wipe them away, but that had only served to worsen her appearance. Glancing down at the back of her hand, Haruna saw small smudges of makeup. With it being a lost cause, Haruna went to the bathroom to wash it off.
After that, she quickly stripped off her nice outfit and threw on her pajamas before sitting down at her desk chair. Drawing up one leg and then the other, Haruna wrapped her arms around them and planted her chin on top. "Haaaa…." she sighed.
It had been right there. Everything that Haruna had wanted for months had been right in front of her, and she had run from it. She felt her actions were justified, but there was still that part of her that wondered if she was wrong. If Kanako really had been about to accept her confession, then…
"...Then I'd be the biggest idiot around," Haruna mumbled. Thinking about it, it had also been the perfect opportunity for Haruna. She could've seized the moment and shown Kanako just how strong her feelings were. Surely a kiss would've been enough to get her to say yes. "That sounds a little underhanded, but… that really would've been great," she thought.
Kanako had looked spectacular. Out of all the times Haruna had ever seen her dressed up, this time was probably the best. "Was it because it felt like it was for me?" she wondered. Although, considering it was the holidays, it was entirely possible Kanako had just dressed up to fit in.
Yet another excuse. It felt like Haruna had been coming up with a lot of those for a while now. No matter what Kanako did, Haruna found some way to reason it out of the possibility that maybe Kanako was doing it for her. That was just how strong her doubt had become. At this point, Haruna wasn't sure if she could believe Kanako even if she came out and said "I love you" to her face. Perhaps if the impact was strong enough, Kanako could break through Haruna's doubt, but just how strong an impact was needed was another question.
However, just because she had doubts didn't mean that Haruna's feelings had faded. Her heart hurt, sure, but the love she had for Kanako was unmatched by anything else inside her. Haruna was certain that even if Kanako really did reject her, the feelings she held would not dissipate. There was nothing else she wanted more than to have Kanako be hers and hers alone.
This desire was the cause of the conflict inside of Haruna. For as strong as her desire was, her doubt threatened it. The doubt would never be able to overtake Haruna's heart, but it didn't need to either. All it needed to do was exist, and that was enough to cause problems. How the night had gone was the perfect example. Haruna loved Kanako, and yet she had run away because she was too afraid to hear something she thought might be said.
"...Maybe I am an idiot…" she muttered. She loved Kanako so much, yet she doubted her all the same. If that wasn't contradiction, then what was? How was it even possible for two feelings such as these to coexist in such a way? Even if Haruna did have an answer, she knew it wouldn't actually solve her problem. It felt like all she could do was sit in her chair with her legs held close to her chest, because if she tried to think any more, it would only cause more pain.
*****
Slowly, cautiously, steps approached Kanako. After several of them, a hand reached out, landing gently on her shoulder. "Kana-chan, are... you okay?" The voice held concern, but it almost sounded foreign to Kanako. Even with the state she was in, she could recognize who the voice belonged to without even looking. "Mi-chan…" she thought.
If Kanako had been able to think straight, her first question would've been why Michi was even in the same area as her. Kanako knew Michi's apartment wasn't nearby. As if hearing the unspoken question, Michi gave an answer. "I was just coming back from a friend's Christmas party when I saw you here. You shouldn't just be sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, especially in this weather."
Kanako remained silent. On top of being in a total state of shock and confusion, Michi's presence only served to add to it. Her mouth refused to move, frozen shut by both the cold air and her absolute lack of available words. If she could've, she would've explained, but she knew that was impossible. After all, all of her current problems involved Haruna. If Michi found that out, who knew where the conversation may lead? It could very well turn into another fight between them.
And so Kanako remained, the exposed parts of her legs becoming number by the minute as she knelt on the freezing pavement. Her tears had stopped shortly before Michi had arrived, but one good look at her face could tell anyone she had been crying. Kanako was a mess, and Michi could easily tell. She had no idea what had happened, but there was something she did know. If she still wanted to have any sort of friendship with Kanako, that meant acting like a friend when they were hurting.
It was certainly true that Michi hadn't had much interaction with Kanako recently. In fact, aside from required conversation and a couple of spurts here and there, they didn't speak to each other at all. For a while, that had been mostly because of Michi. She was mad at Kanako for choosing Haruna over her, so she saw no reason to keep up her friendship with Kanako.
But, as time went on, Michi came to a realization. Looking back, she realized she had been too stubborn. To be unmovable in her opinions was something that was simply a part of Michi, but even she could see that it should only go to a certain degree.
She didn't like Haruna. As far as she could tell, she never would and wanted very little to do with her. That much was true, but what was also true was Michi wanting to still be friends with Kanako. It had felt impossible to have both things the way she wanted. Something would have to give. But, even while knowing that, Michi had made new friends on the school trip, perhaps in some effort to ignore that truth. Overall, they proved to be nice girls and fun to hang out with. It was from one of their houses that Michi had just left. However, they hardly served as a replacement.
Michi hadn't seen much of Mayu or Itsuki recently either, and with a gap forming between all of them, Michi knew she had to do something soon or else they really wouldn't be friends anymore. Having the threat of losing them hanging over her head had ultimately been the final push that made her start to bend a little on her feelings.
Maybe she didn't get along with Haruna, but did that really mean she had to cut ties with Kanako? The answer to that was obvious. If she really wanted to keep Kanako as a friend, it took at least this amount of bending. Now, she was being given the first opportunity to repair the damage she had done herself.
"Hey Kana-chan, should I take you home?" she asked, but Kanako only slowly shook her head. "You don't want to go home?" Michi asked. To Kanako, that was the last place she wanted to be. What if she went there and somehow ran into Haruna along the way? There was no way she could face her at the moment.
"If you don't want to go home, then… do you want to go to my place?" Michi suggested. "It's still a bit of a walk though. All of the taxis are busy tonight after all." For a moment, Michi stared down at Kanako. Then, taking her silence as a yes, she lifted Kanako up by the arm. Luckily, Kanako instinctively followed the action of standing up and kept herself upright. Although, even if Kanako was managing to support herself, Michi still held onto her arm, just in case.
For a while, the two girls walked in silence. Every now and then Michi would glance over at Kanako, but no matter how many times she looked, Kanako still had a lifeless look in her eyes. Her expression told a lot of the story, whatever it was. Clearly something really bad had happened, but whatever that could be, Michi could only guess. She hoped that once they got back to her apartment, she could get Kanako to tell her, but she was beginning to doubt Kanako would ever speak a word.
After a bit longer of walking, they arrived at Michi's apartment complex, went up to her floor using the elevator, and made their way into Michi's unit. Flipping on a light, Michi began to let go of Kanako and go ahead when she felt something stop her. "...turn it off…" a weak voice said. "What?" Michi said. "The light…" the weak voice repeated. "...turn it off… please…"
Going back a step, Michi flipped the switch back down, plunging them back into the dark. "Should I guide you to the couch?" she asked, which was met with a small, "mm." Carefully, Michi pulled Kanako along. As she did, she had a thought in the back of her mind that reminded her this was only the fifth or so time Kanako had ever been to her apartment. It wasn't that big, and out of the way from the school, so her friends never met up there or really hung out there.
Knowing that it would be nearly impossible for Kanako to navigate her way through the dark of Michi's apartment made Michi a little happy, because it meant Kanako needed her help. It was a selfish thought, but it also still felt like progress in the sense that Kanako was even willing to accept Michi's help.
Guiding her, Michi led Kanako to her seat before she let go. Kanako landed with a small thud on the cushion, but she let out no sound. Instead, through the barest of light, Michi saw her assume a position pretty similar to the one she had found Kanako in. The only difference was that Kanako was sitting instead of kneeling. Her face was still pointed toward the ground, and her hands sat in her lap.
Taking the seat next to her, Michi waited. She wasn't sure if she should say something first or if she should wait for Kanako. "Then again, if I wait for her, it might take hours," she thought. So, Michi decided to go first.
"Kana-chan," she began. "Did something happen?" Silence. Even in the dark, Michi could tell she hadn't moved a muscle. "If…" she went on. "If something did happen, could you talk to me about it?" More silence. "...Kana-chan, can't you answer me?"
Next to her, one of the emotions swirling inside of Kanako was beginning to rise to the surface. She didn't understand what was happening. Why was Michi acting so nice to her? They had hardly been anything like friends for several months now. So what? She saw Kanako sitting on the sidewalk and she chose now to act like a friend?
Slowly, the anger that Kanako felt about her failed confession rose, and it was getting misdirected. "Look, I know we haven't been all that close recently, but I can still tell you're in pain Kana-chan. I want to help you."
"An excuse," Kanako thought.
"If you talk to me, I can at least try to make you feel better. Whatever it is, we can work through it together. Isn't that what we always used to do?"
"Liar," Kanako thought. "Where have you been all this time?"
"Kana-chan… I do still care-"
"Why?" Kanako asked, cutting Michi off. "Huh?" the girl let out. Kanako finally moved, turning just her head and eyes, but even in the dark, Michi could make out her expression. It was heavy. A strong glare full of pain and doubt. "Why do you even care Mi-chan?"
"What? Why? Because you're still my friend-"
"LIAR!"
Kanako's gaze, fierce with emotion, bore into Michi. "We're friends? Then where have you been Mi-chan?! You haven't been around at all! You haven't helped me when I needed it… you haven't supported when I wanted you too… You… you abandoned me Mi-chan!"
"I didn't abandon-"
"YOU LEFT!!!!!"
Everything Kanako was feeling was pouring out of her. She knew it was wrong to make Michi bear the brunt of it, but her frustration at not having Michi around as a friend had combined with her current anger, and it was something Kanako couldn't hold back.
"You left…" she repeated. "You practically forced me to choose…! ...So I did, and look what it got me…" Staring right at her, Kanako held Michi's attention. "Tell me something Mi-chan. Does it make you happy to see me suffering like this?" "What…?" Michi let out, but before she could ask more, Kanako continued. "Although, I guess you might've been right… All this has really brought me is pain…"
Kanako looked away, facing her gaze to the wall ahead of her. "What's even the point? I lost you… I got yelled at a lot… I had my heart ripped out… twice…" Kanako paused, taking in a shaky breath. "If loving like this is only going to hurt me, then why do I keep doing it this way?"
Finally, Kanako turned back to look at Michi. She could no longer stop herself from asking the question she had been trying to hold back. Through the tiniest bits of light, Michi saw a tear glint on Kanako's face. "Hey, Mi-chan… What does it even mean to love?"
Michi didn't understand much of what Kanako was saying anymore. "What does it mean to love?" she repeated. "I don't know…" "Of course you don't," Kanako said back sharply. "How could you? You've never even had a crush on someone." "That's not fair Kana-chan," Michi said. She wanted to argue, but that was all she could say in response. After all, it was true. Michi had never experienced love. She didn't even know what it felt like to have a crush. "But, if Kana-chan knows that, then why is she even asking me?" Michi wondered.
"...Forget it," Kanako said. Then she stood up. "Kana-chan?" Michi said. "I think… I'll go home after all. Bye, Mi-chan." "Kana-chan, wait!" Michi cried. She didn't want to let Kanako leave in the condition she was in, but before she could get up, Kanako was already opening the door.
Down the walkway, then the stairs, Kanako reached the road once again. The snow was still falling, and she felt like she had even less strength than earlier. All she really felt now was empty. So, carrying her empty shell ahead, Kanako went back out into the cold.
Alone.
End of Chapter Twenty.