Throughout the night, a storm of emotions assaulted Kanako. There was happiness from being asked out on a proper date by Akio. There was a sense of loneliness from the scene of Haruna departing. And, there was confusion. Perhaps out of those three, that was the one that stood out the most. Finding out that Haruna was no longer in love Akio had certainly been a shock, but for Kanako, it was the thinking after-the-fact that troubled her more.
Haruna had said it so easily. 'No, I don't.' The words echoed in Kanako's mind, but processing them was a different matter. The implications that those words carried were heavy. For one, if Haruna truly didn't have feelings for Akio anymore, then that meant Kanako was free and clear to date him herself. Secondly, a new question had come to light: if Haruna didn't like Akio, then who did she have feelings for now?
As Kanako turned over in her bed for what felt like the thousandth time, she found herself fixating on that question. She wanted to know the answer. It felt like she needed to know. It wasn't just a simple thought of 'I wish I knew.' It was desire. A burning hot desire to know exactly who it was that had made Haruna abandon feelings she had held onto for so long.
In a way, it almost felt like a betrayal. For years, Kanako and Haruna had liked the same boy. Even if only one of them could have him in the end, it had still been nice to have at least one similar interest. Now however, that interest was different. Someone else had caught Haruna's eye, and Kanako was left alone...
Quickly, she shook her head. "It's not like that..." she thought. "Haruna can like whoever she wants. We don't have to like the same person. Besides, it's probably better this way..." Kanako told herself that, but for as much as she did, there seemed to be no shaking a certain feeling growing in her chest.
Realistically, this was perfect. Kanako now had no reason to not be able to date Akio. On top of that, he seemed to be showing interest in her as well. With Haruna having a crush on someone else, Kanako no longer had to worry about losing her childhood friend again because of the two of them liking the same person. So then why? Why was it that whenever Kanako thought about Haruna liking someone else, it bothered her so much? Saying it was simply because she was afraid of losing a connection to Haruna that she had had for a long time was a decent explanation, but it also felt insufficient. There was more to the story than just that, but whatever it was, Kanako couldn't seem to put her finger on it. Instead, all she could do was give small voice to the bit of annoyance that had sprouted inside her. "Why does she have to like somebody else?" she muttered bitterly.
It was frustrating. Not being able to sleep was expected. After all, Akio, the boy that Kanako had been in love with for most of her life, asked her out on a date. The amount of excitement that that created inside her was immeasurable. And yet, it wasn't excitement that was keeping her awake, but rather, worry. Not only that, but that worry had little to do with her date set for the next day. Adding to the frustration as well was the fact that no matter how many times Kanako asked her questions, she'd get no answers out of herself.
Glancing at the clock, Kanako saw it was well past one in the morning. "Geez..." she sighed. "I'm going to be yawning all day if I can't get any sleep." In an effort to calm her racing mind, Kanako decided to get up and go downstairs to get a glass of water. Once she accomplished that, she ended up sitting at the kitchen table, a half-full glass still in hand.
Her thinking wouldn't cease. Sitting in silence in the kitchen was no different than when she had been in bed. A couple more cups of water later, and the only thing Kanako had gained was a trip to the bathroom. "Ugh..." she moaned, ultimately deciding to drag herself back up to her bedroom. Flopping back down onto her ruffled sheets, Kanako endured the rest of her sleepless night.
*****
Looking in the mirror the next morning, the first thing to greet Kanako were the bags under her eyes. Letting out a groan, she knew it'd take more make-up than she usually wore to cover them up. "I hope this isn't a sign for how today is going to go..." she thought. But, just as quickly as her shoulders slumped, Kanako brought her hands up to her face and gave her cheeks a light smack. "I shouldn't be getting down now!" she scolded herself. Deciding to focus more on her building excitement, Kanako continued to go through the rest of her preparations.
Just as she was finishing, there was a ringing sound to signal that someone had arrived. "I'll get it!" Kanako shouted excitedly as she dashed down the stairs. Nearly flinging the door open, she found Akio on the other side. "Hey Kana-chan,�� he said with a wave. "H-Hi Akio-kun," she said happily. The boy was wearing a simple white shirt with a brown jacket on top that was just darker than his hair, along with a pair of jeans. Kanako had decided to keep it simple as well, going with a purple, low-collar shirt that exposed her collarbone, and a white pleated skirt that went down past her knees. Of course, her outfit coordination didn't matter much anyways thanks to the fact that while the two of them were outside, she'd be wearing her grey and black coat.
"So are you ready to go?" Akio asked. Kanako nodded. "Where are we going?" she asked. Akio shrugged. "I don't know." "Huh?" Kanako let out. "W-What do you mean you don't know?" "Well, I was thinking about it last night, and I realized that most of the time, we're doing the stuff that I planned out. So, I thought it might be nice to let you choose. Sorry, I know that's kind of last-minute," Akio said, ending with a sheepish grin. "I-It���s okay," Kanako said. "B-But, um... I'm not really sure what we could do..."
Looking back on recent experiences, Kanako realized that she had already done most of the date-like activities possible in Iwanai over the course of the last couple of months. "What's even left to do?" she wondered. She had visited a lot of cafes already, gone shopping in different stores and even went down memory lane. The list of options available had been getting shorter and shorter. "But I still have to come up with something," Kanako thought. "After all, Akio-kun is letting me pick whatever I want..."
That thought alone should've been enough to send Kanako's heart racing, but for some reason, it was slower than she had expected. In the past, just the idea of being able to be alone with Akio and do all the things she wanted to do was a dream. However, now that she was actually being presented with that possibility, Kanako found that her level of enthusiasm was low. "Isn't this what I've always wanted?" she thought. "Akio-kun asked me out on a real date. He called it a date himself. This should be almost too much for me to handle, so why... do I feel calmer than I thought I'd be?"
Rather than seeing the day as a prospective date, Kanako felt more like she was just going to hang out with a friend. "Is it because we're so close?" Kanako considered that possibility for a moment before sending it away. It was true that sometimes people got so close to the point that they maintained a steady level of comfort, but Kanako had known Akio for a long time, with much of it being her having feelings for the boy. Would it really make sense for there to be a sudden change now?
"Kana-chan?" Akio said, gaining the girl's attention. "You okay? You looked like you were spacing out." "O-Oh, sorry," Kanako said. Akio laughed a little. "You don't have to apologize. Besides, it's not like there's any pressure for you to come up with something great for us to do on the spot. I'm sure whatever you pick will be fine." Hearing those words of reassurance brought a smile to Kanako's face. Then, taking in a deep breath and letting it out, she worked to bring her mind back into focus. "It's a date," she told herself. "This is what I wanted. I should enjoy this like how I've imagined I would for so long." But despite her words of self-encouragement, there was no denying that they also felt a little hollow.
For the time being, Kanako manage to focus on the task at hand, finally suggesting that they go to a nearby family restaurant. She felt a little bad that her idea was so plain, but Akio seemed fine with it, so she decided that it would do. As they walked to their destination, the two of them walked so close together that it would look like they were holding hands if seen at a certain angle. Of course, that was only an illusion. For as close as they were, a distance remained between those two hands.
Kanako considered reaching out for Akio's hand, but past experience stopped her. Once before, Kanako had tried this exact thing, and it had failed miserably. Akio had practically recoiled at her attempt. The face that he had shown her had been enough to tell her hand-holding was the last thing he wanted, and he had followed it up with sharp words. "But..." Kanako thought. "Back then, he said it wasn't a date, but now..." With Akio appearing to be much more forward than before, perhaps it would be okay to hold the boy's hand. Reaching out with her own left, Kanako's fingers stretched out and made contact with Akio's.
The sudden touch caught Akio off-guard. "What are you doing Kana-chan?" he asked. "I-I...I-I w-wanted to, um..." she stumbled. "You wanted to hold my hand?" he asked. Kanako could only meekly nod in response. "Sure, okay." The nonchalant response made Kanako's eyes go wide. "R-Really?" she uttered. "Yep. Better hurry though. It's only a limited time offer," Akio teased. Kanako listened and quickly took the boy's hand. Their fingers intertwined and a smile spread across her face. Each of her steps now seemed a little bouncy as she beamed with delight.
"I'm holding Akio-kun's hand!!!" she squealed inside. It was enough to send her over the moon. But, before she could get much higher, a tether pulled her back. Something... didn't feel right. Kanako could feel Akio's hand in her own. They meshed together well. And yet... it was wrong. Were Akio's hands just too big? Did they feel rough? They weren't sweaty, so it wasn't a matter of that sort of discomfort. So what was the problem? "I don't get it," Kanako thought. "I've dreamed of this so many times, so why..." Then, finally, it dawned on her. "...ah."
It wasn't Haruna.
Holding her hand, and specifically the left most of the time, was something that Kanako's heart had reserved exclusively for the girl with jet-black hair. Only now was Kanako's head learning of this decision, and as she tried to process it, those feelings of wrongness only increased. The way Haruna's slender fingers slid in between Kanako's. The softness of Haruna's palm as it pushed gently up against her own. The way Haruna held their hands together in such a way as to make sure neither of their arms got tired because of the height difference between them. These were all familiar feelings to Kanako, and only now was she realizing that it was those feelings she expected when someone else grasped her hand.
Akio and his hand did none of this. It wasn't because he was being deliberately inconsiderate or being rough. It was just different. Usually, a boy's hand and a girl's hand had different feels, and this situation was no exception. Where there was normally softness, there was a roughness instead. Where there should've been slenderness, it was replaced by thickness. Nothing was the same as what Kanako had grown so accustomed to.
Slowly, Kanako's hand went limp as it dropped away from Akio. "Kana-chan?" he said, tilting his head. "...sorry," she mumbled. "I... changed my mind." Akio was silent for a moment, then smiled. "I see." Then, as they continued to walk, he spoke again. "I guess you really are starting to understand," he said quietly. "Huh? U-Understand what?" Kanako asked, but her question went unanswered as they arrived at the restaurant.
Once seated, the two began going through the menu, but Kanako was hardly thinking about what she wanted to order. "What did Akio-kun mean?" she wondered. "What am I supposed to understand?" It seemed like such an odd comment. If anything, Kanako felt like she was understanding less and less. Her feelings and emotions kept getting more and more jumbled together. If Akio really knew what was going when Kanako didn't, she thought he should at least tell her.
"Are you ready to order?" a waitress asked. Kanako hadn't even notice her walk up to the table. Akio easily placed his order, bringing the attention of the waitress to Kanako. Panicking from being put on the spot, Kanako just pointed to a spot on the menu at random. "I-I'll have this!" she said. "Alright, I'll be sure to get that out to you," the waitress said as she finished jotting down the order.
After she walked away, Akio looked at Kanako with concern. "Are you sure you want that?" he asked. "Huh? Want what-" Kanako began to say as she looked at where her finger was. As it turned out, she had landed in the seafood section, and specifically on a set of sushi rolls. "Ugh..." she groaned. Suddenly having sushi on a date reminded Kanako of her disastrous "date" with Haruna. "Why are they even serving something like that here?" she muttered. "Do you want to switch with me? I just got a hamburger," Akio said. "...I'd appreciate it..." Kanako said as she sighed at her screw-up.
As the two of them sat in their booth, silence prevailed. "Why is he so quiet?" Kanako wondered. It was unlike Akio to stay quiet for very long. "Does he have nothing to say? Is he upset that we have to switch orders?" His face showed nothing useful. He didn't look upset or bored, but he didn't seem happy either. It was a neutral expression, leaving Kanako to simply guess. While she did, their food arrived, and once the waitress was out of sight, they switched plates.
At least while they were eating, a lack of conversation made sense. Although, it was really only a brief reprieve. Once they were done, would the silence continue? Kanako didn't understand, as one more thing was added to her mountain of feelings and questions she had to sort through.
Before she knew it, both she and Akio finished their food and Akio went to pay the check. "Time went by so fast..." Kanako muttered. She had gotten so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed how quick the time had gone by. "I hope Akio-kun didn't say anything to me," she thought. "There's no way I would have heard him." Kanako felt bad, but she was also oddly certain that Akio had said nothing while she had been distracted.
As the two of them began walking outside, it became clear there was no destination in mind. Kanako just went along, continuing to be lost in thought. Next to her, Akio followed, silent. He didn't mind the fact that they weren't really going anywhere. If anything, he was happy to see Kanako thinking so much. Whether or not it was about Haruna, he couldn't say for certain, but something told him it was.
For a few minutes more, Kanako and Akio walked until the girl abruptly stopped. "Hey, Akio-kun," she said. "Can we... go sit over there?" Raising a finger, Kanako pointed to a neighborhood playset. It was simple, with just a sandbox, a horse on a spring and a swing set. Following Kanako's finger, Akio saw it led straight to the swings. "Sure," he said simply. With no other kids around, it wasn't like they had to worry about standing out.
There were two swings hanging from the rail, the perfect amount for the pair. With Kanako in one and Akio in the other, they both sat quietly for a moment. "You know," Akio said, breaking the silence. "I don't think I've swung on a swing like this in a while." "Really?" Kanako said, though she sounded like she was only half-listening. "Yeah. Something like, five years or so, maybe? I think I got traumatized from that time I jumped and hurt myself," the boy said with a laugh. "I-I remember that. You told me that you were going to show me something cool and then you landed on your face," Kanako said. "Yeah, that's what happened. I guess I was really trying to be a show-off that day," Akio said. "You know what else I remember?" Kanako said. Akio looked at her, waiting for her to go on. "I remember Haruna being there too. She would always stand on the swing and get it to go so high she was almost parallel to the ground. It scared me every time she did it, but it was also pretty cool."
Akio smiled at the memory. "Yeah, it was cool. I'm pretty sure she laughed at me when I fell on my face that day too." "Probably," Kanako said, adding a little laugh of her own. Then, she went quiet before speaking once more. "Hey, Akio-kun?" "Hm?" "What do you... think of Haruna?" Kanako asked her question with hesitation, but it was the one that had been going through her mind the most. She thought that perhaps if she got a desirable answer, then maybe it would clear everything up for her. If Akio just said, 'she's my friend,' then Kanako's feelings would get straightened out and she could go back to chasing after the boy like she had been.
Akio sat in thought for a second. "She's a good friend of mine," he finally answered. That was the answer Kanako had wanted to hear, but if anything, she just felt more confused. "I-If you're such good friends, then why do you two keep fighting?" she asked. "Ahh," Akio let out, smiling a bit at the question. "Let's see... maybe it's because we're rivals?" "Rivals?" Kanako repeated. Akio nodded as he lied. "Yep. It's not that we're fighting each other as much as were fighting over something." "B-But can't you two compromise?" Kanako asked. Akio shook his head. "Nope. Not on this one. Unfortunately, it seems only the hard route will do."
Honestly, Akio's response did little to clear up any of Kanako's confusion. She had gotten the answer she wanted, and yet she still felt unsure. It was as if there was something holding her back and preventing her from going back to her full-on pursuit of Akio. "This is the best scenario I could've hoped for, so why do I feel like I can't enjoy it?" Kanako wondered. Akio, seeing Kanako's face contort, smirked a little at the sight. "Well, how about we call it a day?" he said, standing up. "Huh? A-Are you sure? I-I'm sorry, I know I wasn't a lot of fun today. You invited me on a date and everything, and all I did was get lost in my own thoughts..." Kanako said, rambling on as she apologized. "Don't worry about it Kana-chan," Akio said. "Trust me, I had a good time with you today." "R-Really?" Kanako said, looking up from her feet. "Totally," Akio said with a smile. "Come on, let's head back. I'll walk you home."
*****
Just as the pair were approaching Kanako's house, Akio squinted. "Is that...?" he thought as he stared at the person on the front step. "Wow. Is she really that worried? That's great," he thought smugly as he recognized the girl sitting in front of Kanako's house. "Well, I guess I'll let her take over from here." Stopping at the sidewalk in front of the Nakatomi residence, Akio said his goodbyes. "We should do this again. It was fun," he said. "O-Okay," Kanako said with a bashful smile. Then Akio left, and it was only once he was far enough away that Kanako turned and saw Haruna waiting for her.
"H-Haruna?" she said in surprise. "Um, hey," Haruna said, looking a little shy. "W-What are you doing here?" Kanako asked. Haruna was quiet before she tried speaking. "I, uh... Well, you see-..." Failing at forming a sentence, Haruna averted her gaze as she searched for better and more coherent words. "I... wanted to see how your date went."
Kanako stared at Haruna blankly. "Y-You... wanted to know?" "Well, yeah, I mean... it's about you so, y'know..." Haruna mumbled. Kanako didn't quite understand what she meant by that, but it was in that moment that a thought occurred to her. What if Haruna had given up her feelings for Akio so Kanako could have him? And now, here she was to check on the progress that Kanako had made thanks to the opportunity she had been given. "Honestly, I feel like that date didn't go so well. That's mostly my fault, but still... I'd hate to seem ungrateful and say it was bad," Kanako thought. So instead of telling the truth, Kanako put on a forced smile.
"It was great! We went out to eat and talked a lot. It was fun," Kanako said. What she said wasn't entirely a lie, but the cheery tone she said it in felt very unfitting for what had really happened. As Haruna listened, her eyes went a little wide before settling into a downcast expression. "It went that well huh?" she asked. Kanako nodded vigorously as she tried to sell her fake happiness. When she stopped, she saw Haruna looking down toward the ground. "Good..." she muttered. "Good for you."
"Huh?" Kanako thought. "Is she... upset?" But before Kanako could asked, Haruna stood up. "I'm gonna go home now. I'll see you at school tomorrow." "R-Right..." Kanako said. Quickly, Haruna went by her and over to her own house before opening and closing the door behind her.
The sight of Haruna leaving so abruptly left Kanako's stomach in knots. "Why did she look so hurt?" she wondered. "Did she lie about not having feelings for Akio-kun anymore? Does it bother her that I went on a date with him?" Still standing in front of her door, Kanako sighed. "I just don't know anymore."
*****
"Damn ittttt!" Haruna groaned as she laid on her bed. "She looked so stupidly happy because of that dumb Miyashita-kun! It's not fair! It's so not fair! He can just ask her out on a date because he's him, but if I try to do it, it goes over her head! Argh!"
Finishing her rant, Haruna curled up a little. "Haaah... this seriously sucks," she muttered. Once again, as soon as she had felt like she was making progress with Kanako, Akio had come in and snatched it away. "He went on a date with her..." Haruna said to herself. "How the hell am I supposed to do something to top that?"
So far, it felt like Haruna had done everything she could except confess. Holding hands all the time, giving Kanako compliments, even a romantic evening. Everything Haruna could think to do, she'd done it and then some. At the end of the day, she knew that confessing was probably her only real option left. After trying everything else, it no longer felt like the obstacle it once was. However, that didn't make it feel any less daunting.
For Haruna, a confession was her trump card on Akio. It was the best move she had left. But, what if she confessed and it failed? What if Akio somehow stole even that momentum from her? Or, worse yet, what if Kanako rejected her without a second thought? Haruna would be out of options then, leaving her no choice other than to give up on Kanako. "That's the last thing I want..." Haruna thought sadly. It was thanks to that line of logic that Haruna kept her true feelings inside.
Although, that didn't mean she was ready to give up. "But what else can I do?" Haruna wondered. "I'm out of ideas..." Then, looking at her phone, she got one. It filled her with guilt even thinking about it, but with her own mind blank, Haruna could no longer avoid the issue. Picking up the device next to her, she flipped through her contacts until she found the one she wanted.
Pressing the call button, the sound of ringing came through the speaker. After a few rings, someone picked up. "Hello?" the voice said, sounding a little surprised that they had received a call. Taking a deep breath in and then letting it out, Haruna gathered her courage.
"Hey... Chiyo."
End of Chapter Eighteen.