I couldn't keep my mind from conjuring horror after horror, so finally I got up with Alexandre's blanket still draped around me and made my way to the library. I perused the bookshelves, looking for something to calm my nerves. Instead, I found a book of collected works by Edgar Allan Poe. Since I probably couldn't concentrate anyway, and it matched my mood, I took the book to 'my' chair by the fire and flipped through the pages of dark love poems and horror stories. Until a terrifying thought hit me: that couldn't be why Alexandre left, could it? Alexandre wasn't that petty. Besides, this was his house, he could just kick me out if I had hurt him that badly. Maybe he just needed some time away from me. I chewed my fingernail as I thought.
What if I had been too cruel? I mean, I did like Alexandre, a little too much, but was it me liking him, or the virus driving me to like him? Or my daddy issues? Or my need for a white knight? Or was it just because he was the first guy I met that treated me with respect, but still had enough of a bad boy vibe to keep me entertained? Or was I just completely messed up?
Ugh, and what was up with that? The way that one side of me, if I really admitted it to myself, kinda loved that possessive, controlling and scary side. Secretly kinda liked that wolfy side, wanted to feel those teeth...
I tossed the book on the table.
"Welcome to your new kink Carys." I complained bitterly to myself. Must be a vampire thing.
But what if I really did run him off before even giving a relationship with him a chance? Would I be able to live with myself if the one good guy I might have actually stumbled across slipped through my fingers? If I lost him right now-if he never walked back through that door-would I be happy with how I left things?
With an anguished cry, I threw the blanket over my head and screamed in frustration, fear and distress, then cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I was so conflicted I didn't know what to do, but I was definitely realizing I was afraid of losing a chance with Alexandre.
Eventually my body reminded me I needed to feed myself again, and I dragged myself, blanket and all, to the kitchen, slurping blood from a bag straight from the fridge without even warming it or putting it in a cup. I just sank my teeth in a corner and slurped. I tossed the mostly empty bag into the trash and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and plodded my way back to Alexandre's bed where I tried to sleep.
I was crying and it was raining, but most importantly, somebody was calling my name.
"I don't want you to leave..." I mumbled, and then realized I was soaking wet.
"I promise, I'm not going anywhere." Alexandre's voice, soothing. "Come on, let's get you back inside."
"Alexandre? What's going on?" I asked groggily and then happily squealed and jumped into his arms. Alexandre winced. "You're home! Are you ok? I was so worried!" Alexandre carefully placed me back on the ground, then my joy turned to tears.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be so mean. Of course I think I love you and I'm afraid to lose you, I'm just too chicken to admit it, but I'm too chicken to lose you too!" I sobbed.
"Carys? Are you awake now honey? Or are you still dreaming? Come on, let's get you inside, regardless." Alexandre soothed, running a hand down my wet hair and moving me towards the door.
"Awake? What do you mean?" I asked stuffily.
"Oh thank heavens! I think you are awake now." Alexandre said with relief, pushing wet hair out of my face as the rain continued to pour. Tired of waiting for me, he scooped me up and deposited me inside the door, dragging me to his room, where he promptly stripped me of my soaked outer garments, to my very loud protests. I huddled, embarrassed, covering my private areas.
"Again, seen you naked." Alexandre warned me with a snarl, lighting a fire. He went into his closet and tossed me a pair of plaid flannel pajamas and instructed me to dress, while he changed in the closet.
"What about my underwear, it's soaked too?" I protested.
"Strip it!" He commanded with a growl and I began to complain but another growl issued from the closet, so I did as instructed, but mumbled 'pervert' under my breath for my own satisfaction.
"I could just go get another pair from my room you know..." I turned around and Alexandre was standing in front of me, shirtless. I blushed fiercely.
"Did you really mean what you said?" Alexandre asked, walking towards me quietly.
"About the underwear?" I stammered, trying to avoid watching how the firelight emphasized Alexandre's light musculature.
"When we were outside. I think you were sleepwalking while having a nightmare. Is that new? But after that, were you awake? Did you mean it?" Alexandre insisted.
"I uh... don't know... I was asleep, and I was kinda babbling crazy there so I'm not sure...?" I replied helplessly. Alexandre was about a step away now and it made me blush even harder.
"The part where you said you loved me, and didn't want to lose me." Alexandre replied, closing the distance between us, his eyes searching mine.
"I don't think that's quite how I phrased it, but while you were gone I had some time to think and I decided that I don't want to miss an opportunity here, with you, because I hesitate too long, so...yeah...I guess... you could say..." I swallowed, and avoided his eye contact, but Alexandre shut me up before I could finish by capturing me tightly in his arms and kissing me hard, making the rest of my thoughts scatter.
He drew back and kissed me once more, softly on the lips, then on the forehead, before drawing me to his chest. The scent of books and flowers was so much stronger next to his skin and I felt myself simply melting against him comfortably. His heartbeat stuttered in his chest for a few more seconds before settling back to its usual slow, steady pattern, and I laughed lightly, once again reminded of the sway I held over him. Alexandre sat down by the fire and motioned for me to join him. I leaned my back against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me in a warm embrace.
"I don't mean to ruin this...very romantic moment...but I think I've changed my mind about that phone. You were gone for so long and I didn't know where you were, and there was no note or anything, and..." My voice caught and I didn't mean for it to come out so accusingly, but it ended up sounding that way. Alexandre swiftly turned me around, looking at me with distress in his eyes, before once again squeezing me to his chest like I might disappear.
"I am so sorry Carys. I had no intentions of being gone so long, nor did I mean to scare you.. I ran into a bit of trouble while I was out and I'm afraid my cell was broken and I am just so sorry Carys." Alexandre held onto me tightly and I wrapped my arms around his torso and squeezed back. He shivered slightly and pulled my arms between us subtly.
"Alexandre...when you say you ran into a bit of trouble, what...exactly...do you mean?" I asked suspiciously.
"It's nothing Carys. I had a minor disagreement with one of my contacts, that's all." Alexandre said dismissively. I nodded my head as if I was going to drop it and relaxed back into his embrace, then darted a hand unexpectedly around his back and gasped at the same time he hissed and jerked. I used his movement to slip free and scoot around to look at his back. It was...destroyed. The vampire healing was doing its thing, but even with that, the scar tissue and flesh was uneven and jagged, and in places, bits of muscle tissue were still exposed.
"How are you even MOVING right now?" I shrieked at him in panic. "It's NOTHING? What the hell happened to you?" Alexandre sighed and slumped, the first time I'd ever seen his posture relax in all the time I'd known him. I quickly moved in front of him again and propped him up with worry.
"It seems our crime connection friends don't like how close the cops are circling us. They blew up my car." Alexandre sighed, leaning on me heavily.
"They blew up...What can I do to help you? Do you need blood? Bandaids? I don't know? God it looks so bad." Tears were running down my face and I held Alexandre's shoulders gently.
"No, there's nothing you can do, really. I fed on the way, had no choice really. I barely escaped the car in time. I'm afraid I stole some poor soul's clothes along the way too. Ran the rest of the way here. Which is why it took so long. And also why it's taking so long to heal." He sighed again, this time with exhaustion. "You can't heal while you're busy breaking open the wounds." He laughed lightly and winced, leaning more heavily on me.
"But I had to get back here to protect you Carys. Because I promised you'd be safe." Alexandre's voice sounded softer and I looked at him in alarm, and realized he was falling asleep. I hoped that was a good thing, what the Hell did I know about vampire healing yet. "And I love you too." He whispered. My heart almost burst, but I needed more information before he passed out.
"Will they come here? Should I do something?" I asked him with worry.
"No, no, 'cuz the cops, they'll stay away. But we should too..." Alexandre was a lot heavier than he looked, and I gave up trying to prop him up. I lowered him to the ground on his stomach, and took the time to look at his back uneasily. I chewed my nail, staring at him, wishing there was something I could do. As I was staring I realized if I really concentrated, I could see the skin slowly drawing back together, scar tissue fading, muscles realigning under the skin. I sighed with relief and slumped down beside Alexandre on the floor.
This vampirism thing was going to be the death of me.