Shinah returns to the mountain hideout rushing past Kiyoshi locking herself in her pill refining room. She awkwardly sinks to the floor in the corner of the room, her eyes open staring without direction as she hastily enters her Mindscape.
Shinah falls to the ground, in the grass by the lake. She curls up into a ball holding her knees to her chest.
Shen's wrong... I'd never use my family as leverage or tools to be sacrificed. I only want to save them... how can that be wrong?
Shens right I acted on my own announcing myself as a prince, but not out of selfishness or with malicious intentions; like he believes. I didn't deserve to be reprimanded so harshly.
I know it went against his plan. I know in his eyes all my ideas are to morbid or evil, destroying the image of the innocent little sister he sees me as.
But in all honesty... his plan never worked for me, he never tried to understand me. He sees me like a bird in need of protecting, possessively clipping my wings in order to keep me from flying to dangerous heights. But what's a bird without its wings...
It's nice to have a strong backing ...but I got to comfortable. I let myself feel content being surrounded by their love. Letting myself go along with his morally thought out plans. Lying to myself that his way was the right way to do it..
I thought if I concealed my sadness and pushed aside my feelings of hatred... my desire to destroy everyone who wronged me would go away with time..
Why am I like this ...Kiyoshi was stronger coming back... he feeds off his hate and pain to keep himself from letting his guard down. He does things without restraint, he pays a price ... but at least he's strong enough to save himself from the past, where as I can't even step outside this mountain without a guard.
The plan to bid our time in order to accumulate the appropriate amount of strength to protect ourselves,....would be so much easier to deal with if my opinion held weight. I'm tired of receiving a guilt trip every time my views make him uncomfortable.
Am I foolish to believe that my way could produce a better outcome.. am I being arrogant?
I don't believe that I have all the answers, or over powered strength, or even some scary genius intellect.
I know I don't... all I have is my fear and hatred. I'm not a god. I'm just Rai Shinah. I'm not a fool I know I'm not strong enough as I am right now.
I know I can die again.
I'm scared..
Should I apologize to Shen...
Was I .. really in the wrong..
I don't want my brother to hate me..
Have I overestimated my own abilities.
Little ShiiShii sensed Shinah entering the Mindscape ... and stops maintaining the corn field. He walks back towards the house collecting some of her favorite fruit and vegetables in a basket.
Her Mindscape shakes and Little ShiiShii feels her fluctuating aura, hastily dropping the basket he runs out the vegetable garden finding her curled up by the lake.
"Kitten... what's..what's a matter! Are you hurt?" He felt as if his heart was about to leap out of his throat.
He wrapped his arms around her gently pulling her off the ground into his embrace.. holding her with such tender care, one would wonder if she was actually made of glass.
Rai Shinah struggled to calm down, staring straight at Riku Sabishii her long eyelashes trembled slightly as her face paled. "Why should I care? Why do I care?" She murmured before passing out.
Why should I care..
Why do I care...
I can't breathe here... I feel suffocated.
He wants to trap me in this bubble of his...
I'm scared, I'm too dependent on him.
I should stay by him, I'm not strong enough..
No... wait that's not right..
I may not have a sufficient amount of strength to protect myself but I sure as hell have the strength to survive.
I don't need to rely on anybody, how can I help those I care about when I can't even help myself!
I have people I owe a life debt to... I have to rely on my own power. To right my wrongs in this life...I'm sorry Shen but ...I have to destroy the image of the innocent little sister you've made me out to be.
I don't understand how Shen can separate the world in either black or white....when the world I see is vibrant with color, shouldn't he be able to see it too?
I have to be the necessary evil this time, to protect what's important to me.
Which means I cant walk on the path he's paved for me..
It's not wrong ...it's just wrong for me.
I realize now, I can't keep being in this in-between state of worrying over his opinion while being trapped till he figures out the "right" way to find justice...
That's the problem...
I'm not looking for justice...
I want revenge.