The scene was like a painting, an ambient light was a shade of mellow yellow as the voices of 2 familiar individuals fill my ears. What... Happened? I couldn't for the life of myself remember. I was inside a room, it had wooden walls and a magic lantern at the side of the door. Beyond the door was the sound of sizzling and laughing, it filled my heart with happiness as I stepped forward.
Looking around the room, there was a strange sense of deja vu, it almost felt like I had been here before. It nagged at the back of my conscious, but it wasn't productive to pursue that thought in this situation, so I abandoned it. Looking down there was a bed with a wooden frame, and some comfy sheets laid there. At the side of the room was a table, strewn over it was a few half read books. It seemed that I had fallen asleep before finishing those books.
Magic.... Magic... Something about that word felt unnatural. But like my previous thoughts, I gave up and tried to make sense of the situation. I woke up in a familiar room, heard familiar voices. For an unknown reason, I doubt that my previous activity was reading books, but that suspicion quickly died down as I regained my vigour. My drowsiness subsided as I looked at the closet and shelves around my room. My... Room? I see, it is definitely my room then. It seems that I subconsciously remember some things.
After 3 more minutes of viewing, I opened the door. Why was the door knob the same height as me? Did I lose my memories and forget my age? I can't guess my age, I shall ask the people downstairs. Strangely, my hands had started shaking before they touched the knob. Slapping my dormant hand with my left hand, I put all my strength into opening the door. Was I nervous? Scared? Probably scared, I didn't know what was on the other side of the door, who wouldn't be scared.
Outside my room was a corridor. It was dimly lit with magic and the walls were made of wooden frames, the bottom half of the walls were completely wooden and acted like supports, while the top half was a decorative wall painted with white and adorned with some paintings. The corridor was lined with some doors, possibly leading to other types of rooms. In the middle of the corridor, there was a pathway similar to a T-shape. Light was coming from that opening, it drew my attention to it along with the familiar sounds of a household.
Normal... Why did this word make an impression? Slowly making my steps, I quickened the pace of my short legs as excitement filled my heart. My conscious and curiosity could not endure, soon enough I met the view of what was in that opening. To the left was a kitchen that filled a quarter of the space, the rest was a comfy living space. The sound of cooking had long stopped since I left my room, only the 2 voices echo in my head. They... Are they there? Ah!?!
It seems I know them. Yes who else could 2 familiar individuals in your house be? It was so obvious yet I couldn't tell, they were my parents. My parents... Something told me that something wasn't right... But I was somehow extremely ecstatic. It overwhelmed my mind to the limit, warm tears had already leaked before I noticed. That strange feeling... who cares about it if everyone was happy right now...
In my whole life, I've always had this feeling of deja vu, and it had always turned out to be nothing. This time, I had strangely sense that it wasn't the same. But for some reason, I felt like all this happiness would disappear from my palm if I were to pursue this thought. It wasn't as solidified as I stated it, it was just a vague sense of danger to my way of life. Something is happening, but please... Ignore it....
Walking into the living space, I was finally addressed.
"Whoa?! Emily! Why are you crying? Did you have a bad dream? It's okay, papa's here now." (Father)
An expression of concern and care, it was wrapped around their faces so naturally. I smiled back in response. They were genuinely concern about my well-being. How long has it been since I've experienced this? No I've felt this before, they just weren't from my parents. What did that mean? I couldn't bear to decipher, so I continued to ignore it. This...was likely the happiest moment in my life..., to receive such affection and care.
It wasn't just these actions that gave me happiness... , it was the overall atmosphere, what it feels like to be the child of the family, what it feels like to be sheltered and cared for by someone else instead of yourself. To indulge in life while not lifting a finger to work for it. Ah~, I am truly slothful, to think this was my ideal of happiness. Nothing could beat indulging in life while doing nothing.... No... Was there something? No!...no!...no!...—"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! There's... Nothing... "
I had inadvertently slipped and my thoughts were laid bare. Tears had dripped down my cheeks once again... How annoying. In response to my mindless drivel, mother had hugged me out of a panic.
" Emily! It's okay now... You don't have to worry about anything anymore. Mama and papa are here to protect you." (Mother)
This again... I was truly blessed to have such parents. But I think it was too late... I couldn't protect anything in the end...protect...protect? Mother said she was here along with father to protect me, but against what? What was I protecting? If anything could be deduced from this situation, I was having a life that was extremely comfortable and full of love and happiness. So to that end... What was I protecting? Why was I screaming 'No'?...
"It's nice to have calm down, but say something. You're worrying us." (Mother)
Ah I see.
"Come on Emily, let's have dinner. Your mother has cooked up our favourite dishes! " (Father)
I remember now. Such is an ideal, such is but a dream. An attainable dream, yet I don't want to attain it as it would never be the same. If I forced it, it wouldn't feel the same, it would only serve to widen the void in my heart or drive my mind into madness. To that observation, it was still an unattainable dream. A rather sorrowful side of mine, only delusion could allow it to come true.
"Sorry father, mother. I'm alright now. Thank you for everything you've done, this will be my last goodbye. I have to go now."
My nape was tilted forward to hide my face, by facing the ground it would at least hide my eyes. Such an expression should never be shown to my parents. It wasn't a face of sorrow, it was a face of resolve... To kill God.