What was I as the world says it's good-byes, the sorrow deep within carved my skin with ice and salt. The way I see things horrifies me to the point I question our exetense, even though I know I'll never reseve a answer I could only wish for solitude.
Life sucks to be honest, I watch so many people suffer in my life that I honestly don't know what to do anymore. You can not help someone if they are not willing to help themselves, and frankly you can not help someone if you don't help yourself first. I've asked myself how to fix me, the pieces that have shattered the parts of me that feel missing. How do I replace the emptyness, and the fear of losing everything and everyone that was never mine to begin with?
Lonley I forever am, staring at the shadowed face that hovers over me at night and stalked me day by day. "You are never good enough, nor worth it. Not a fragment in anyone's mind, for you are ment to faid in the void of confusion, misery and sorrow as well as lonleyness." The voice, has repeated over to me time and time again. Sometimes, I can't help but believe it's warnings.
It had once told me, that my mother was lying. That she still has a tumor in her brain, that cannot be taken out. Her brain is bleeding from the inside, and she might not live much longer.
My mother said to me, I was not worth her time. "Your not my daughter, I don't know you anymore. I should have sent you to fauster care, go kill yourself." The echo of her voice saying these words, while anger raged through her this still crushed me but why?
She had always favorited the second oldest, while the middle child and I the youngest were absolutely nothing to her but servents she puts up with. She knows what she has done wrong, but dosnt seem to care.
No one listens to the warning signs, no one listens to my voice of concern. All is excluded, nothing to be heard as everyone drifts apart while I end up hurting in the end.
Lonley, for I have felt nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt so fusterated and alone, why was I always hated and seen as someone who is not me? Because, they make me seem as a horrid person. Now I'm anti social, now im truly broken, as my body and mind are in constant pain my chest tightning as I fear for the worst.
Old lady with a ruby red ring, tall man wearing a cow boy hat who is really tall, little girl and boy. These are what I hear and see, these are what I fear. Along with my intuition that something is so horible to happen, no one can bare what is to happen next. We all will be crushed beneath the world's cold dead iced feat.
I have never mattered have I? I know this, yet it's hard to just easily except this fact. I'm waiting for someone or something but what? What is my purpose,my reason to survive? Simple really, I want to truly live not just survive. I want to be with the ones who truly love me as I do them, I want to be happy without a worry. I want word peace, no fighting.
Gun shots rang out, through my eyes a corpse lays on the streets. Falling body's after another, police sirens speed by while cops yell out "Drop your damn gun, or I'll shoot!" More fighting, more unesisary pain. Why do we kill for the thrill?
Why do we do drugs to get high, and die why do we hurt others because we are hurt ourselves?
Why not can we live in peace? Damn government, shut up and rule the country right. Damn citizens follow human rights, and never kill cuz we do not deserve the rights to determine who lives or dies.
Damn anime hurry, up and make more season for me to watch with the love of my life that I won't ever have. Because this, is a fucking fantasy.
To: Mom
From: Jazzy
Looking back at the days we last smiled together and enjoyed life, I miss that no matter how hard I try to be in your life I was shuned out like I have never onced mattered. Yet, I know you don't mean to do this do you? I've tried some many times to look past the words, the hatred as well as fight. The words of warning in your brain, that you constantly ignore.
Dear Dazzy, if you are reading this letter know I love you and I've always tried to make you smile. Pay you back, for all the good times you given me. The end had come has it not? Wait for me in the other side, maybe we'll recarnation transmigration or something to another world.....
signed Jazzy
No matter, this letter remains a secret. No one will know how I truly feel, as if I'll have nothing left. As if I'd lose this, all trying to make my time last but is it worth it anymore I do not know.