After the battle, I return to the clearing, alone. The bodies are still there. I move my squad members away from the Earth humans and into the center of the clearing. They are limp, lifeless versions of their former selves, with glassy eyes and blue blood on their faces. I rub my hand over my face, and my cuts sting as the dirt on my hands grinds into them. I know that the right half of my face is probably covered in my blue blood, but I don't care. Now I might have a second scar to match the one my father gave me when I was eight.
Among the bodies, I spot Omar, Quenin's brother, and feel a pang of grief. He was almost like my personal mentor, took me in when there was nowhere else for me to go. I wonder how Quenin is fairing. I saw her go into that trance. The one where anyone who opposes her falls and never gets back up. I thought about checking on her, but decided she probably would want some space.
I pull matches from my pocket and light the clothes of my squadmate on top. Cletus. He was probably the most hilarious person I had ever met, aside from Quenin with her unrelenting wry humor. I can almost see a ghost of his old smile hovering over his face. I stand and watch as the bodies of my squadmates burn to ashes, and I douse the flames with some water I smuggled out of the city. I couldn't bear to leave them here to rot like this. All that remains of my dead squadmates is a pile of wet ashes and some scraps of clothing.
I leave the trees and head back to the town. In the center of the ravaged field is Quenin. She is standing on top of part of a ship, staring into space. The breeze ruffles her hair and blows her jacket back. I walk across the field, my feet nearly silent.
"Hi, Ahji," she says. Her voice is barely more than a whisper.
I climb up onto the desiccated ship and stand next to her. "Hi." is all I say back. I don't ask if she's ok, or anything like that. I know she won't appreciate it, and it's a stupid question. Of course she's not ok. Instead, I say, "I burned our squadmates. I couldn't just leave them there."
She nods. "Good. Thanks," she says, and I realize I should have asked if she and Kaedin wanted to join me. "Have you told Kaedin yet? About his father?"
I hesitate. "Not yet." she nods again.
Quenin and I stand in silence for a long time until she says, "There's an empty black void."
I look over at her in surprise, confused.
She continues, "A hole where he used to be." Omar. Of course. "Like they ripped out a chunk of me and burned it, never to be seen again."
Not once in the ten years I've known her have I seen Quenin cry about anything. She's always a strong, fierce presence, the kind that makes you feel safe to do anything. But just this once, a single tear runs down her cheek. She's only letting herself cry because it's just me here. Had it been anyone other than me or Kaedin, I don't think she would have let herself. She doesn't really open up to people, not in that deep way that makes you feel really close to someone. She rarely shares how she feels with others, especially if it's negative. I almost feel honored that she trusts me enough to open up in this way.
Quenin speaks again. "I want to hurt them. To make them pay for what the did to him. To our squadmates." she turns to look at me and under the emotion I see cold rage burning in those silver eyes. There is blue blood on her neck, face, and collar bone, and I wonder how she could have been so careless with her injuries. But I remember her going into that killing calm of hers, where she slaughtered any enemy in her way, and I'm not surprised. It's almost a miracle she wasn't killed because of her carelessness, but I'm glad she's not dead, so I don't care what kept her alive, really.
I only nod and look back at her. "Me too."
And I'm not just talking about the Earth humans, but all of the people who have caused me pain. The ones who have hurt me when all I wanted was for someone to want me, to accept me.
I want revenge.