There's something odd about the feeling that grow towards a person since childhood. They fester and grow roots, making the plant harder to remove. It's like learning a language as a child and then trying to forget it as you get older but you can't because it's the language everyone speaks, it's the language you use to communicate to other people, and it's the language you write with. It's all around you. There's no way to rid yourself of that language.
That's how I feel about my sister, Trinity. It's supposed to be a holy name. The "holy Trinity" or whatever, but Holy is spiritual and when I think spiritual, I think God, and when I think God, I think kind, wise, a creator. Holy means Good. Trinity is far from good. I used to think she's evil. I wanted her away from me forever. Sometimes she was nice, but only when I got back from my moms every two weeks to stay at my dads for the weekend.
Then my dad went to court and got custody of my sister Melissa and I. Things only went downhill from there. We stopped doing fun things. I shared a room with two messy girls and always got in trouble along with then for not having it clean. We were all playing dress-up one time, and Trinity kicked me in the face with the purple shoe, wearing my favorite purple dress. I wish we could still play dress up. We would go to fashion shows, be princesses and always look flawless. The only thing we needed after that was a tiara and our looks would be complete. Dress-up is probably the only time we got along.
When Trinity kicked me in the face with the purple shoe, I thought the reason my eye turned the color of the weapon used is because the shoe itself was purple. I was also glad I got kicked because I didn't have to suffer the spanking the two girls got for having a messy room.
Trinity always yelled at me. She was always rude. I always thought she would end up a snottier, more female version of Tyler. I always thought Tyler would be a murderer. Turns out, he wants to be a mechanic and he can be pretty decent when he's not being a jerk. He doesn't see thing the way I do.
I didn't realize Trinity was juman until she started feeling sad and suicidal. Then she went to a mental hospital, and I scoffed. Trinity was an empress when it came to big, fat tears and acting like she's in tons of pain, and pretty much doing everything she can for attention. I didn't believe she tried to kill herself. I don't blame her for cutting herself just to feel something. I would too if I treated people so horribly and always looked down on them. It's not like she actually tried to kill herself. If she wanted to die, she'd be dead.
Ever since she came back from her dads house for the first time, she's been nicer. This doesn't mean she has started doing her chores like she's supposed to but she's been nicer. I called her a lazy slob one time, and she went to dad and snitched. This was directly after she had cleaned the house that weekend and he just couldn't stop himself from bringing it up. I wanted to argue that the only time she seems to want to clean is when she doesn't have to. Sure, maybe if she did her chores every Wednesday like she's supposed to, I would actually admire her for doing a bit more but I don't for one second think any of that "extra" cleaning she did makes up for all that she didn't do.
Presently, Trinity has a broken ankle and walks on crutches. Ashley says we should help her out some and I do. I grabbed her drinks out of the van. I gave water to her from downstairs. Nick got her charger for her from the van. Merissa got her drinks from the van, too. (Different times.) I made Trinity pizza. Nick got her phone and brought it to her. My problem right now is she is going to her Mema and saying that everyone is being selfish for not wanting to drop everything and bring her the cup that's a few feet away.
Sometimes when she asks us to do something for her, I sense the glee behind the question that itches me the wrong way. When she looks at me, her eyes say "you have to" because Ashley did say we had to help her out some. She broke her ankle on a bounce house. When Tyler mentioned she could hop around, I agreed and he said he was joking. I mentioned I wasn't because when something was only a few feet away when I hurt my foot, I just used the couch or whatever I was around for balance and grabbed it. So he goes to my dad and Ashlyn and tells them that I need to realize that what Trinity has is real and she can't "walk". I never said walk. I said hop, so Tyler argues that she probably doesn't want to take the chance of landing on her foot. Ahem, I said to hold on to something for balance.
I held in my tears as Tyler blabbed on to the adults of the house how I'm terrible. How I feel for Trinity has been how I've felt my whole life. Just because she can be a bit nicer now doesn't change how she was before. The things she's done before. How cruel she has treated me my entire existence. Trinity hasn't treated Taylor badly because Trinity has always been intimidated by him because he's a boy and older and could get violent. I wasn't violent. I've never been violent. The only time I was was when I fought back as Taylor was beating up on me one time. He won, obviously but he didn't bothered me as much anymore.
And anyway, Taylor doesn't even help Trinity. And just the other day, Taylor got mad at me for not wanting to pour out moldy tea that I commented on. No, I admit the first one to comment: dad was, but when I said that Taylor argued "do you work? Do you make money?" Knowing dad could her our conversation, I casually said no. I wanted to say: "I clean. I cook. I feed you when you need feeding, you bastard. I would work if I had a work permit, a car, and a drivers license but I can't, so don't beat me up about not wanting to pour out some friggin' tea that dad made, commented on, and won't pour out because 'he makes money'." The heck kind of reason is that, anyway, Tyler?
Am I really so wrong for not feeling like pouring out tea? Or for saying Trinity could hop? Do I really believe what Trinity has is real? To the last question: yes I think she broke her ankle and no because I think she's taking advantage of this and having everyone do everything for her. Yes, I'm a grumpy person sometimes but, unsurprisingly, it's only when Trinity is around. I'm good with literally every other person except her. My body is used to defending against her that it can't help freezing up and putting up every possible wall every time she is in the same building because I know the moment I let go, she'll attack.
Is this how normal siblings are? With Melissa, I feel like I can tell her anything and we have moments together when my heart glows with happiness. I even get that with Tyler, but more of a "I'm glad he's talking to me like I'm human and totally not calling me a jackass for saying Trinity can hop cause when I hurt my foot, I could, too. Jerry and I bond over Roblox with our cousin Aiden and the only time we argue is when he makes a mess he doesn't want to clean. Well, suck it up buttercup, I want to live in a clean environment, I'm sorry if it bothers you.
What I want to know is if it's normal to feel older than I should be at 16. I told this dude on Instagram that I'm 16 and he said I don't act like it and I replied, "Life made me grow up faster than most."
Because honestly? That's just how it is.
What's the price of this? Well, I don't know how to let someone in. Especially someone (who currently has a broken ankle) I've spent my whole life locking out.