The young goose was certainly not on his A-game that day, or even his B-game. In fact even a "C" would have been a streach. He had easily snuck into the house of another tired salary man, like any other day. All it took was knocking a basketball down a flight of stairs while the human was trying to lock the door. Once distracted he waddled through the crack in the doorway, he knew his flat feet had certain sound to them as he walked. To combat this he had made sure to gently leap from the welcome matt to the rug. Luckily this house had a sofa, the kind he could hide under until he was sure the coast was clear. Was the wife or a child home? No? Good!
The goose happily waddled out from his hiding spot and looked around. The humans were typically boring, but this house had been the worst case of it yet. Everything was simply perfect! Every last object was symetrical and some shade of beige or brown. There seemed to be only one window, and it was covered by clean, plastic blinds. So dull!
No wonder why he pitied these monotone creatures! Just when he was starting to think that humans were catching on and didn't need his services. The day prior he walked into a cafe full of girls in weird, colorful costumes with cat-ears serving food covered in all sorts of outragously shaped sweets. As soon as he saw they weren't in need of enlightment, he lost the will to be stealthy and kcocked over a vase. The end reasult was him getting chased out with a broom.
The trauma of that day weighed heavy on his avain heart. What was he suposed to do now that people were catching on? Was he to be another philosper to die without recognition for his work? Apparently not! He still had much work to do before he was ready to be kicked to the wayside! He flapped onto the kicthen's counter top and looked around. In the trashcan was nothing but empty packages of the blandest looking instant ramen possible. Why would anyone eat flavorless strips of boiled grain when they could try those weird dishes at that cafe? Luckily he was not only a stealth master but a cheif extrodinare!
With a flap of his majestic white wings, he pulled the fridge door open. First he had to look for a creamy thing. He saw no creamy things. Oh duck poop! Luckily he knew another room with a creamy thing! He waddled down a small hallway and took a turn into an unsuprisingly drab restroom. There he spotted a metalic cone-shape that was definitely what he thought it was. He wrapped his beak around it and flew down. As he did so he spotted one of the human's tooth cleaning brushes on the grimy tile floor. How unsanitary! He picked up the brush and noticed the porcalian puddle bowl. He never observed what humans did with that thing, but he asumed it was for some cleansing purpose. So he dropped the brush in the white bowl, before picking it up and rubbing it against the towel. After that it was back in its propper place with the other brushes. The things he did without being thanked for. What a misunderstood creature he was!
With his can of cream in hand, well beak, he waddled back to the kitchen. He pinned down the can and nudged the tip carefully. Before he knew it the counter was covered in a blanket of white foam. Perfection!
"Honk!"
Now he needed toppings, lots and lots of delectable toppings. He made his was back to the fridge, which had been left open. He found a bottle of those pink, bubbily syrup drinks the humans liked. How wonderful! He nabbed the bottle and clumsily flapped to his foam mountain. Getting the lid off was tricky, so he decided not to! Instead he magestically took off towrdas the ceiling, and dropped the glass bottle onto the bathroom cream. Seeing some of the foam turn a nice shade of pink made him
honk in triumph once more.
Now all he needed were some colorful sweets to sprinkle on, and some fruit. He flapped around the room, looking for the perfect ingrediants for his cafe special. He wondered if the humans would be speachless with delight as he snuck off, as usual, like the lone hero he was. As he was making a few survalance rounds he found something interesting.
One of those "manga' things the human goslings were into. He looked at the cover suspiciously. On it was a crude illustration of what seemed to be the likeness of a male human, and by his side was a pink-haired girl with an frilly outfit similair to the cafe girls. "Honk?" So colorful! Perhaps...Oh that was genius! His beak bit onto the glossy cover and...
RIIIIP
...after a bit more tearing he had acquired some colorful things! Question was, were they sweet? Pressing his bill against the paper pile, and taking a sniff, wasn't satisfactory. Well that's fine, sometimes things taste better than they smell. He took one of the shreds and flicked it into his mouth with his toothy tongue. Definitely not sweet but...
"Hrrrk! Hrrk!" It was lodged inside his long windpipe. "Hrrrk! Hrrrk!" Using every last ounce of gutteral streangth he had..."Blaugh!" He managed to cough out the scrap,
however he felt like his bowels had made a movement. He sheepishly looked behind him and realized that he relieved himself on the now coverless manga. Well he could not leave it like that! His mom taught him to be a gentle-gander! He noticed a box of tissues by the kitchen sink. He flapped up and yanked a square out, then it was back to the manga. He placed the tissue atop the steaming pile of goose business. Now they would never know!
Taking a billfull of the shreds, he flew up to where the spices were. He looked through the jars, and saw two with powdery white subtsances in them. One was salt and one was sugar, he had been in enough homes to know as much. Luckily he could smell the sugar. He nudged the jar of the countertop and it fell to the ground. He then dropped the shreds onto the pile of sweetener. He leaped down and noticed the sugar was not sticking. He had an idea! The goose took a mouthful of the sweet scraps, ran to the porcelain puddle, and came back. The now damp shreds were easily powered, and after that he would throw them onto the cream. He reapeted this process a few more times. Finally it was done, save for a fruit.
Looking back into the fridge, he saw something. It wasn't strawberries or balls of melon...It was better! Once again it was time to drop a jar down the fridge's top shelf. Hearing the sound of shattering glass on the floor would never not be satisfying. When he flew down he gazed at the most magnificent of fruits...
"HAWNK!"
Pickles, adorable little pickles. What human wouldn't appreciate some pickles with their dessert?! They had that same pungent, earthy flavor as pondweed. They were tiny too, making it easy to transport them back and forth! After a few more moments of scuttling around and working his wings to the bone, it was finished! The perfect sweet feast! The only upsetting thing was that the syrup water wasn't staying on the counter, and began to drip down the gray cabinet doors.
"Honk, honk...honk!" Whatever, he did his best and the results could put those scantly clad, frill wearing human females to shame! He wondered how the humans would appreciate the fruits of his labor.
Meanwhile...
The NEET groaned, that was the second time his party got KO'd thanks to that incompitent healer. Stupid video games just weren't doing it for him anymore. He needed to get the other-world treatment and fast! Where an actually competent, and super cute, cleric girl would be there to meet him! Hopefully an adorable lolita cat girl, with a very feminine wardrobe. Sadly the only cute girl in his MMO guild was a dumb healer, who was actually a fat American man in his forties in real life. At least his daughter played with him...but she...
"HEY! Get the F#CK back here you wuss! DON'T RAGE QUIT ON US!" A female voice yelled from the speakers in clumsy, mispronounced Japaneese. He wouldn't consider her his type at all. For one, she played an edlerly, male, dwarf pirate. Two, she had a bad attitude and not in the charming tsundere kind of way. Lastly, there was nothing girlish or innocent about that loser. She wore heavy-metal tees, spent her free time screaming to punk songs at karaoke bars, and was taller and more mannish than him. He couldn't wait for them to go back to the West and their own server. Why couldn't life be like an anime filled with cute moe girls? He threw his headset down and didn't respond to the girl's screetching.
His head jolted up, as he heard the sound of glass shattering. Was somebody breaking in? Was there a bomb? Something told him this was fate, that an isakai adventure was near! He leaped up from his seat and crashed through his bedroom door. He was finally going to encounter some dangerous situation, die like a hero, and get reincarnated into another world surrounded by cute moe girls who would follow his every whim! No more being locked in his room, no more listening to a she-pig from the west scream in his ear! He was going to rise above his otaku status! He was going to...
"HAWNK!?"
...Kill a damn bird! The kitchen was in a disgusting state. His mom would totaly blame him for it too! How did that pest manage to cover the countertops in shaving cream?
Not only that but was that soda running onto the floor? There were also pickles...and weird colorful flakes? He catiously approuched the mess in the kitchen while the goose darted to the livingroom door in a panic. He picked up a sticky shred of paper, and recognized a familair moe eyeball. His special collector's edition of "Other Wordly Harem!" Where was the rest of it? He frantacly sifted through the foamy mess, and his eye caught a coverless book on the tile floor. He bent down and wrinkled his nose. Was that smell coming from the mess above or...He lifted the tissue and his pupils shrank in horor. He glanced at nearby shard of glass. That bird was finished! The goose, sensing that this human wasn't the most grateful sort, frantically tried to find a way out. How did this human not like his creation!? After all that hard work! How did he miscalculate the number of people home? It should have been zero! All he wanted to do was show humans how to be happy! After encountering a miserable human who ended herself at the train station he had made it his mission to bring happiness to this cold, cruel world. Was trying to be helpful so wrong? He could feel the darkness of a shadow loom over him, and he didn't have a moment to turn his head before...
SLIIIICCCCEEEEE!
The Neet gazed down at his blood-soaked hands. He had just killed a goose! He looked down at the cloudy red eye of the slain bird. It wasn't an MMO monster, but he managed to be the victorious hero! Looking back at the mess, he sighed. He got a trashbag for the goose and uncerimoniasly dumbed the bloody corpse inside. He then got to work cleaning since there was no was he was going to deal with the MMO-party's crap.
Hours passed, and when his parents got home they were in shock of what had happened. Turns out that the goose had been a menace on the block, and its death was well celibrated. Within the span of minutes he became a talk amongst the elderly, and the next morning he got a call from the local butcher who wanted to take him as an apprentice. While he wasn't the most interested in jobs, he knew the man had an adorable otaku daughter that was half American but not like the metal-head at all. She was a cute, short blonde. He egerly accepted, and late that afternoon he, and some new friend, hung the annoying waterfowl's corpse for the neighborhood to witness.
As the week went by the corpse became stained with the juices of the elderly widow's rotten tomatoes, and children had plucked out half its feathers. Finally the maggots had their fill of the corpse and the bones fell to the ground. The sucessful butcher's apprentice picked up the skull as a trophy, with his new girlfriend by his side. Oddly enough he ended up hitting it off with pig-headed mmo girl instead of the cutesy, but annoying, butcher's daughter. How odd he would end up liking the job more than the girl? Life was certainly something else, and he wouldn't have traded it for anything. To think he had been dumb enough to believe Isakai reincarnation was real! What a joke...
The headless pile of bones laid on the cracked cement. A welcome treat for the neighborhood cats. The remains of the martyr philosopher were soon wiped from existance. Luckily his story didn't end there, infact it was only the beguining. Shortly after his death in Japan, his soul found new waddling grounds in a very different world. Through the spiritual realms of time and space, and echoing voice could be heard as it traveled to its destination.
"HAAAAAAWWWWNK!"