I guessing agian that people wont understand how to react properly when someone tells you something. they will miss understand and over react making us have to reword and suger cote it making us change what we really say and thing. when people use the word "agian" I have a dislike beacues agian to mean to me to react to something over and over and people mostly use it in a negative way. I use to be a "toxic" person beacues I tried telling someone how I feel beacues I was being so stressed but they took it the wrong way and called me toxic. I ask my self every day what could that mean beacues I was never really a toxic person I guess?. I asked all my friends if I was a toxic person and only one of my friends told me "no". he said that I can PHYSICALLY be a "toxic " person only beacues I would be standing up for my friends. He also told me that mentality I'm not beacues he tell me " your underalot of stress, you carry other people problems around, they tell you what's wrong with them but yet they cant see what your going through." I thought about it and he was right. I feel like I'm in pain beacues I cant be "happy" now talking to him almost every day make me feel alittle be better. being in pain is not what you think you are but it is what you make out of it. you might be suffering in the inside but still smiling on the outside. how can you be JUST OK when you can show others and something is wrong and you need to talk about it? Now that I think this throw, I had a friend, he was my best friend and we grow up side by side with each other every day. He suffered from epilepsy, and one day his step mom lied to me saying that he was sick. Me being his best friend knowing he wasnt really sick but might have been feeling down. The step mom walked inside and I went around back were I saw him relaxing by the pool. I called him over and asked him what's wrong. As we sit there and talked he had an episode. The step mom came out and saw me and looked at my friend and she picked him up and carried him away. We didn't talk for 4 years. i would blame myself. after that the father found my account on Instagram and followed me and dmed me. he asked how I have been and all that stuff and I asked about my best friend. I found out he died.
he died in one of his episodes and they count get someone safe at the time and he feel and cracked his head open. they took him away and he died later that night. I was in the. most pain after that. now when people tell me there in pain I ask then why, and sometimes they give me some fucking bull shit story and add a few lies in there and that pisses me off beacues I still cant get over that the fact I wasnt there for my friend when he died and they expect me to support them when they just need attention. I cant talk to just any one like I sa9d before I hate talking to anyone who isn't close to me. I would even talk to my own mother. maybe my father. but mostly I have to keep it yourself. but it all be came to much and I had to write it down so I can still look back on it and read it. Today, I got upset beacues my dad slapped me upside the head over something my little sister said to me. I stopped and looked up at him and then looked at my sister how was trying not to laugh at me, I turned away and walk over to my room and got dressed. after i got dressed i walked back out and told my sister i hate her beacues i realised she annoyed me to make me ask her to stop just to get in trouble. my dad chasing me out the door I grabbed my skateboard and went off. I was out of the house for 3 hours and I didnt go home until it started to rain bad, and the street lights were on. After I went home the 2 boys I was living with told me that Nat my dad's girlfriend wanned to take them and drive around to look for me but .y dad yelled at them and told them not to. when I herd that I started to cry beacues I run out of the house almost EVERY fucking day with my mom making me feel like no one gives a damn. only with my mom 8 rather not come home to my drunk step dad and dont gwf me wrong I'm not being abused I just wanna be left alone. I want to be left alone beacu ees s it's the only time I can feel happy and I can just relax. I like the loneliness of my dark cooled night. with my mom I would slam the front door so hard, the picture will fly off the wall making me hear if the glass brakes. I dont come home until its 10 at night. I dont think that's fun but the cool night mak es s me feel better about myself and I couldn't understand why. I just wanna think I'm ready to leave and grow up on my own. I wanna think i have everyone and everything in this world beacues it brakes me when I think of murdering my pets or my sister... i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me.
when I was younger, I remember my mom making take these pills and they were like happy pills. She made me take them beacues I told her I'm sorry and I hold a dead bird in my hand. My mom dosent like talking to me beacues she thinks I'm crazy. I dont think I'm crazy I just think alittle different form everyone else