So i am 13 about to be 14 and a month so i continue to act 16,17 because i cant feel in my heart that showing the real me is impossible for others to see they might think i'm weird if i show the real me so i hide the real me and sometimes i get on apps but not doing anything weird but its like a chatting app for teens, like a group chat and i put on my sisters wig and makeup that i kind of know how to do and i can kind of feel happiness when i act like someone i'm not but it sometimes hurts when you know that your doing something that's bad but I know this is so messed up is that they probably think i'm kind, pretty, and cute in a way but its way deeper than that i had the depression every day and what started that pain was family,color,popularity and i felt it all even though i might be too young to even think of doing this but i cut myself but it's certain reason that i do this cause it hurts so much i have nothing else to do that can hide it to tell the truth my brother almost saw me kill myself i filled the tub with water and i was under the water for to long and my brother said he came in to grab something but he had  know idea it was me in the tub so he open the shower curtain in pulled me up and said what are you doing and i said why is it worth living if we have nothing to live for and the reason i said that cause my mom doesn't have a house so were homeless at the moment and we had so much family we thought they will take us in but it didn't go that way at all they threw us out every time and we had to stay at a hotel and it was at least 100 dollars every 2 days so it was hard for my mom to get a home for us and she even stayed with the same man that has no money and always eat everything we have and he fought mostly all my brothers even me and my mom chose to stay with him and i cry every night and think what if .and my mom is kind of lost her way she has 8 kids total but 6 that stay with her and i had to go to the doctor i couple of times for depression cause the cuts and i started to stop but it hurts so much and i hide it with a smile and the other side of character that is so fake but it comes out when im at school i start to cry for no parent reason and they just look at me and i have to hide it and make up something to get out, but its so hard.and when i argue with family i feel so disgusted with myself for being this way but if they only knew that it hurts so much that i even dream of dying and no one was at the funeral and my sister told me that she dream of me dying and she didn't even feel sad she didn't drop a tear and it hurted me in a way that only i can feel.but i sleeped on the street,and feel that i can't fulfil nothing but i always tell myself what if............… while reading this if u find out.

I'm just a little too emotional to read this over cause this will always be in my memory just know it really hurts to know no one is on ur side.

so I wrote this when I was 13 and I was to scared to show any one this cause I was to afraid of letting people hear my voice but I want hold back my voice anymore I'm gonna let out all my feelings in show you what I feel inside and what goes on. please don't judge me if your not perfect either,

sorry I didn't mean that your not perfect or anything it's just I tend to lock up my thoughts when I'm judge

and you will probably see this 👉🐥