— Get ready, little guys, that's the only thing I can say — the sudden voice was Byung Hee-Noona, whose nervousness was clear.
Today was de D-day, the day when we finally start recording the survival show for the new group.
With that being said, we were now inside our usual practice room, waiting for Yang Hyun Suk PD-nim to come and give us the last details on the program.
Only the seven of us, and Byung Hee-Noona, waiting, in complete silence, as we were too nervous to say anything. Well, not exactly, there were two cameramen, already recording all of our actions, unnerving us even more. Nobody could understand why we were being recorded already, as our reunion with PD-nim was precisely to understand a little bit more before starting to record.
Fortunately, PD-nim himself suddenly entered through the door, surprising all of us, who immediately stood up, for the ones who were sitting, and gave a 90-degree bow at him with the usual greeting.
— Good afternoon, we're in your care! — that was the only thing that everyone said.
With his usual laidback attitude, PD-nim simply looked at all of us, one by one, making all of us nervous, while proceeding to sit on a wooden bench that was at one corner of the practice room. After that, his usual posture came; crossed legs laid back, and carefully looking at each of us without saying anything at all.
Byung Hee-noona quietly approached him and whispered something in his ear. It was so low, that even though the room was deadly silent, and I was quite proud of my hearing, it was still impossible to hear anything. Still, PD-nim simply nodded at her and dismissed her, without breaking eye contact with us.
After some really unnerving moments, he finally interrupted with his unique voice.
— Well, little guys, I don't want to extend too much in saying anything. You already know what's going on. The company decided to do kind of a Reality show. All of you will be recorded for a long time from now on. We're planning to make a final decision by the end of May, and mark your official debut by the start of August. With that being said, the intention behind the recording is to showcase each of your unique traits, work on the program while knowing that. The Cameramen will usually be recording you while at the company, but if they will be recording at your place, we'll notify you about it with time... — he continued to give us the guiding of the program.
He explained our new routine, how we were supposed to accommodate the schedule he was giving us. How we were going to be given a chance of reviewing the content before it was officially published, and other kinds of technical details about the program.
After some time explaining everything, he ended by saying.
— ... Also, let me repeat this once again — he slowly uttered — the survival show doesn't mean to choose between the seven of you, our plan is not to choose some of you over the others, the only ones who will debut are going to be the ones who we think are ready. That means all of you could debut if we think you are good enough.
The older Hyungs and I were already used to PD-nim giving us hope like that, but I noticed the new members were visibly happier after hearing that. Expecting the PD-nim to break their lifted hope, I was completely disappointed when he continued.
— ... but that also means we may find no one is good enough to debut — all of the new guys visibly tensed at the news. I was afraid of this precisely, that they could think that a survival show means that someone will debut, and that's not how things are handled here at YG.
What I did not expect, though, was that PD-nim suddenly turned towards Ji Yong-hyung, with his sarcastic smile, and his chilling expression that tried to fake an amicable smile.
— Do you find something funny, Ji Yong-ah? — "Fxxk" was the only thing in my thoughts. He found out Ji Yong-hyung was smiling, probably at the chance of the new guys not debuting, especially Junior.
Still, PD-nim did not give me any time to think of a solution, as he continued.
— You think that just because we've already signed a contract with you, your future is resolved? — he angrily asked — the same goes for you Young Bae-yah — he then turned to me and finally said — I don't even have to say something about you, Chris-ah. Tell me, does anyone want to just return home after so many years of training?
After that scolding, everybody was completely silent, and staring at the floor.
— *tsk* — he tutted — You've ruined my mood — he declared while repositioning himself, supporting his chin with his now closed fist.
Once again, Byung Hee-noona was worriedly looking at us, not daring to interrupt YG himself. The rest of us were still staring at the floor, completely nervous at what PD-nim has to say.
— Whatever, I may as well finish what I wanted to say — he said, indifferently, not bothering to look at us while speaking — we'll evaluate you weekly from now, until the day the final decision is made, is that understood?
All of us nodded at him, without making eye contact.
He gazed at us for a little bit, before finally standing up while saying.
— Before I forget, you should start thinking about a song you want to sing, it will be edited into the show, try to not do something as mediocre as you did at JinuSean's concert, that's for you Young Bae-ah and Ji Yong-ah. You're dismissed for today — he finished while sighing.
With those final words, he left the practice room, leaving us there.
I thought that Ji Yong-hyung and Young Bae-hyung's performance at the aforementioned concert was not bad, but it seems that it wasn't the same for PD-nim. To explain it a little bit, as Young Bae-hyung and Ji Yong-hyung have a signed contract, they're actually scheduled to feature in some of the other YG artists' performances, one of them for Jinusean, another upcoming for SE7EN in a concert for the FIFA world cup if I'm not wrong. Anyway, PD-nim is still as strict as always.
After he left, Byung Hee-Noona patted each of our shoulders and left while saying.
— Start getting ready... I'll prepare the car to take you there.
Nobody said a thing, all of us simply started packing our things in complete silence.
I'm pretty sure the cameramen were quite happy, as there was nothing that exuded more despair and despondency than us right now. With that being said, they still missed our expressions during the car ride while going home.
After getting home, I immediately dropped into my bed, mentally exhausted at all of the hiccups we're going through, finally deciding to take a nap.
Nightmares invaded my dreams though, once again waking up deeply sweating, as slow trickles of cold sweat covered my body.
— Again? — that was the usual routine in the room. The same image I saw every time, Tempo-hyung asking the same question. And me giving the same answer.
— The same nightmare — Hyung patted my head. Fortunately, Junior wasn't anywhere near, leaving me with some pride, or so I thought — what are the rest doing? — I sincerely asked Hyung.
He slowly shook his head while sighing.
— Look for yourself — he said as he signaled at the living room.
Clearly puzzled, I walked towards the door and peeked at the living room, noticing that Hyung followed me, doing the same.
The same scene for the last week, all three of the new guys blank-faced.
I sighed but immediately followed the sigh with a loud bellow.
— Ugh! I'm sick of this scene already. Every day the same shit! — the bellow was followed by a lot of cussing. I mean A LOT.
So much, that by the end of it, everyone, including the already present new members, but also the other two hyungs that were initially missing were now present, wide-eyed staring at me.
— Really, I don't know what did they say — I motioned towards the older hyungs — but even so, is your confidence so low that it is shaken by some words? — I angrily asked.
This time, Junior bellowed back, clearly angry at my scolding.
— We're just not that confident in our skills.
I smiled at him, and said, more calmly.
— See? That's a lot better. That's the first time you've replied so confidently to me — I flashed a big grin, only to later notice that they couldn't see it because of my mask. Still, I guess I managed to help him relax a little bit, judging by his expression of realization at my intentions.
— Now, let's sit down everyone, time to talk one last time about our future, seeing as the program just started. The cameramen are missing on this content we're presenting — I joked at the end, once again trying to help everyone relax a little bit. It seemed it worked, as everyone had a faint smile on their faces.
— I can somehow guess some of the things the Hyungs said — I said while laughing, while the older hyungs awkwardly scratched the back of their heads — but still, there's no reason for you to lose your confidence. If you're here, that means you're good enough and that's about it, there's nothing much to think about — I confidently said — now, erase those annoying blank expressions off your faces, I'm going to start getting nightmares about those blank faces — Lame joke, but still, it worked as everyone was now widely smiling at me.
— Now, I know all of you heard some things about me. But do you know my motivation? — I was now sitting literally on the table, while slowly getting my shirt off, being careful of not getting my mask off — Now, I won't show you my face, not yet, but it is about time you see other things.
By this time, all of the older hyungs were wide-eyed staring at me.
— Are you really going to show it to them? — Young Bae-hyung asked, clearly surprised.
— Other than my face, I have nothing to hide Hyung — I said while directly looking at him, passing my determination.
I slowly got off my shirt and then turned so that my back was facing them. Just as I did, I could already hear gasps and gulps all over the place, I decided to talk.
— I've done wrong things in the past, not sure if I deserved these scars, though. It's been long since these scars have come to represent some of my insecurities, but of course, I can't forget them — I turned once again, slowly gazing at each of the new members — Honestly, at first I just wanted to be a singer because of the money. That was a long time ago, but I did have those kind of thoughts. Petty thoughts, aren't they?
I joked to lift the heavy atmosphere after they saw my scars. Then, I continued seriously.
— Now, my ambitions are quite different. I want to be popular enough, have enough money, and be powerful enough so that I can assure no other children will have to suffer what I suffered. That's my ambition now — I slowly enunciated each of my words, exposing my ideas to everyone in the apartment, but also as a kind of promise to myself. If I ever debut, that's my goal, and I'll procure it happens before I die.
After letting everyone process my words, I finally continued.
— No matter how small is your ambition, or more precisely, how small you think it is, it's something that can drive you forward. I'm not the only one with ambition, why don't you tell them, Seung Hyun-hyung?
I turned to Tempo-hyung, hoping that he also shares his goal.
He was still surprised at my revelations but still managed to flash a smile at me, and say.
— My aspirations are not as great, I just want to shut up everyone who said that I was not good enough to be a rapper, to be an artist — he said, apparently calmly, but I could sense the pure resolution in his words — I want to make everyone who thought I wasn't good enough to admit they were wrong. I want to be at the top of the chain.
He ended while flashing his usual silly grin, making every of the older hyungs and myself grin as well.
— What about you, Ji Yong? — I teased him, not really expecting him to reveal his thoughts.
— I want to create music that can inspire millions — he said, clearly, calmly — I was surprised at his participation, but still, nodded at him.
— What about Young Bae-hyung? — I motioned for him to talk about it.
— I simply want to be a soulful singer, skilled enough to evoke every kind of feeling inside people that hear my songs — he said with his "cool guy" smile.
I laughed out loud but didn't say anything. I don't understand why both hyungs think their ambitions are so "simple". On one side, we have Tempo-hyung that wants people to admit their mistakes, one of the hardest things to do. While on the other side, Young Bae-hyung wanted to reach an impossibly high level of skill.
After some silence, I decided to push a little bit more, motioning for Junior to talk.
He was initially startled but managed to subvert my expectations, as he started talking.
— I don't want to go back to Gwangju without any achievements — he innocently said, making me laugh.
— What a show-off you are — I couldn't help but tease, making him put a silly grin on his face — but still, I quite like it — I finished by giving him the thumbs up. Then I turned towards Dae Sung-hyung without saying anything. I just hoped he started talking out of his own initiative. He didn't disappoint.
— I want my songs to be heard all around the world — he said, the most confident I heard him since I know him. I nodded and turned towards Jang Hyun Seung-hyung, but noticed he was clearly aggravated about something. Noticing what it was that was bothering me, I immediately said.
— Don't worry too much about not being sure about your ambitions, they'll come sooner or later — I noticed quite late that I didn't use the word Hyung, as he was older than me, but nobody seemed to care.
Finally, leaving Jang Hyun Seung-hyung deep in thoughts, I went towards the kitchen, pulled a few cups, and served some coke that I took from the fridge. I gave each member a cup, took one for myself, and finally said.
— Let's cheer — I said while looking at everyone making a circle around me. I deeply smiled at them, once again forgetting my mask, and loudly shouted.
— So that everybody's present will debut! Cheers!
— Cheers! — everybody followed.
Everybody happily drank the coke, even Ji Yong-hyung reluctantly did so.
— Wait, Is this my Coke? — Young Bae-hyung asked, half angry, half laughing.
— Wait, Hyung I can explain — I immediately tried to explain myself while trying to flee, while the other members laughed out loud.
That way, between laughing, revelations, and cheers, that first night of the survival show came. And I had no idea what the future held for me.