It had been my first kiss. I wondered if he knew as I laid there, stiff in his arms. He had pulled me closer, tucking my head beneath his chin. I was fairly sure he was asleep now. His body had relaxed and his breathing was slow and deep. His warm breath against my hair made my scalp prickle.
I wanted to roll away. To slip out of his arms, find my clothing, and lock myself in the bathroom. But, I was scared he would wake up. I was angry my first kiss had been stolen from me and humiliated at being forced to strip and climb into his bed. And yet, I realized how lucky I was that more hadn't happened.
I could have woken in a cellar, cuffed to a bed with a sadist looming over me, ready to inflict the worst imaginable pain. But I hadn't. I had woken in a bed that was too soft, undamaged and untouched. I didn't know who was smiling down on me favorably, but I was grateful. Still, it didn't change my situation. The clock was ticking. As sane as Alex seemed, it was clear he had a plan for how he wanted things to go. If his kiss had been any indication, I didn't have very long before more of my firsts were gone.
Though I longed for the escape that sleep would bring, I couldn't relax with his arms around me. His heat smothered me. His bare skin against mine made me hyper-aware, as if every nerve ending was firing in synchronization. I could feel the individual hairs on my head move with each of his breaths. The minute movements of his skin against mine. His chest rising and falling.
I wasn't sure if minutes or hours had passed but, eventually, Alex rolled over, freeing me from his grasp. Though I was terrified I would accidentally wake him, I inched towards the edge of the bed. Carefully, I sat up, bracing myself and holding the sheet against my bare breasts. I knew it was too dark for him to see me, even if he was awake. But, it didn't change the feeling of vulnerability that came with cool air touching exposed skin. I cautiously lowered my feet to the floor.
My movements were slow, smooth. Nothing that would jolt the bed. I couldn't take the sheet with me. Not without waking Alex. My stomach quivered as I released the thin material. Standing ever so slowly, I felt my way around the bed, heading towards the basket near the door. It took some time to find it. I ended up crawling on the floor, worried I would trip over something. When I finally found the basket, I let out a harsh whisper. "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" There was a lock. On the basket.
I needed clothes. I refused to be naked and vulnerable when morning came.
I quietly fumbled my way back across the room. Every now and then, I paused to make sure I could still hear Alex's deep breathing. My hands and knees went from thick carpet to cold tile as I passed the door threshold. Standing, I quietly closed the door behind me.
For a moment, I debated whether or not turning on the bathroom light would wake Alex with the door closed. Finally, I flipped the switch, blinding myself momentarily. When my eyes came into focus, my reflection startled me. My hair, which was usually a warm, chocolate color looked muddy and was complete chaos. Finger combing wasn't exactly going to help in this case. I'd worry about that later though. My first priority was finding clothes.
I locked the bathroom door behind me. It wasn't much of a lock. It was the kind that could be opened with a coin, but it still eased my mind a bit. I'd already been through the bathroom and closet when I had originally returned to the room earlier in the evening. Most of the drawers were unlocked but didn't contain anything of use. At least, the clothes folded neatly behind glass windows hadn't seemed useful at the time.
Clothes. Not useful. How ridiculous. Goosebumps peppered my skin as I approached the cabinets. Frustration chased away my hope as I saw the keyhole below each handle. "Seriously?" I almost cried. Why the hell was he locking up the clothes? Was it some sort of game? To see how far he could push me? To see what I would just accept?
I rubbed my arms, trying to create some warmth with friction. Not everything was locked up. There were shoes, belts, towels, extra pillows, and… blankets. It wasn't clothing, but it was better than nothing. After wrapping myself in a thick, fluffy blue blanket, I took one of the belts and wrapped it around myself, cinching down to keep the blanket in place. I felt like a kid playing "dress up" but at least I was warm and covered up. Eyeing the pillows, I decided that I didn't even need to go back into the bedroom.
I made myself a bed on the floor of the closet after closing the door. I left the light on, and laid the remaining blankets over a bed of pillows before crawling into them and curling up. I finally felt less on edge. Having put some distance and a locked door between Alex and I, I was finally able to relax a little bit. Within a few minutes, the exhaustion I had been outrunning all day caught up with me.
It felt like only a few minutes later when I was woken by Alex. "Jamie?" His voice sounded muffled. I tried to swipe the sleep out of my eyes. The door opened as I pushed myself up on my elbows. "What are you doing in here?"
I blinked, trying to make sense of his words. "Sleeping?" It came out like a question. I pulled the blanket around me. I had no idea what time it was. Had he woken up and realized I was missing, or was it morning?
"In the closet?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
I hesitated. "Yes." I looked up at him through squinted eyes.
"Why don't you come to bed?" he asked. Ah, so it was still night then.
"I don't want to be in bed with you," I said cautiously. He sighed, opening the door all the way. My face flushed when I realized he was still naked. Swallowing hard, I focused my gaze on the wall next to me. "What are you doing?" I asked stiffly as he sat next to me.
"Look at me," Alex said. I ignored his command, keeping my eyes on the dimpled, blue surface of the wall. "Jamie, I'm not going away, so look at me."
I hesitated for another moment before meeting his eyes. "What?" The flutter was back in my chest. The anxious bird that flitted against my rib cage.
"Do you think I'm going to hurt you?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said honestly.
"What makes you think I'm going to hurt you?" he asked. "Why are you hiding from me?"
I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't like him asking me questions. It felt too personal. Like he was trying to get in my head. "I don't know what to expect from you," I said. "But if it requires me to be naked in bed with you, then I don't want it."
"Do you remember what I told you before we got in bed?" he asked. I didn't answer. "I said I wanted to show you I could control myself. That I just wanted to hold you."
"But you didn't," I said. "You kissed me." I could hear the hurt in my voice and kicked myself for it. I didn't want him to know how much it bothered me.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, sounding confused. I looked away, embarrassment coloring my cheeks. "You look upset, not angry."
"Can you just leave?" I asked, pulling the blanket up and over my shoulders.
"Is it because I'm naked?" he asked. My face flushed. "No. That's not it. Is it because I locked the clothes up?" I shot him a glare. "Nope. That's definitely your pissed face."
"Why the hell would you put a lock on the hamper and cabinets?" I spat.
"Well, for one, you're cute when you're angry-"
"Unlock it," I said flatly with an icy glare.
"And two, I didn't think you'd get so… creative," he said, gesturing at my makeshift dress. "I liked the idea of waking up naked in bed with you."
"Did you seriously think I was going to stay with you?" I said in disbelief.
His eyes danced as he leaned forward. His fingers skimmed along my forearm for a moment as I yanked it back. "Well that kiss was pretty incredible if I do say so myself," he teased. A moment later, his expression sobered a fraction. "The kiss. That's what's bothering you."
I dropped my eyes once again. I didn't want to talk about this with him. "Can you please just leave and let me get some sleep?"
"Not until I know specifically what is bothering you about the kiss. It's important that I understand how you feel about each milestone. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I also don't want a bad experience to scare you away from certain things," he said, reaching out for me once again. I leaned away, frustration leeching into my voice.
"Stop trying to touch me," I said, apprehension in my voice. "I don't know you. I don't like people touching me and I especially don't want you touching me."
"What about the kiss bothered you, Jamie?" he asked, ignoring what I had just said. His hand curled around mine. Despite my attempts to pull it away, he held firm. My jaw clenched as the rest of my body went stiff.
"You know," I said, my voice icy, "this whole 'doesn't-take-no-for-an-answer' thing isn't as much of a turn on as you think it is. It's actually pretty pathetic."
"Why did the kiss bother you so much?" he repeated, frustration lacing his voice.
"Because it was my first kiss and you didn't even bother with the pretense of asking me. Instead, my first kiss was forced on me after I was made to strip naked and climb into bed with some strange man," I shouted at him. "Just leave me the fuck alone already."
He went still. I refused to meet his eyes but I could feel my face heating up. Whether from embarrassment or anger, I didn't know. "God damn it," he breathed out. He dropped my hand. I flinched as he pulled my chin up so he could look me in the eyes. "I'm sorry. I misunderstood… Shit. I don't even know how to explain this without pissing you off." He paused. "I knew you hadn't really been kissed before, but I didn't realize you hadn't ever been kissed, if that makes any sense. I'm sorry. I really am. I would have done that differently."
Don't fucking cry. "You shouldn't have done it at all," I said, my voice cracking. Damn it all.
"Look at me," he said when I dropped my eyes once again. Tears blurred my vision. Fucking hell. "Can I kiss you?"
"No?" I choked out. "Are you serious?"
"Well… pretenses," he said with a slight smile. I tried to push away as he leaned in, but the closet wasn't that big. I couldn't escape him in the small room. I waited for his lips to come down hard on mine once again. For the forceful grip on the back of my neck and dizzying need for air. But it didn't come.
Instead, his calloused fingers brushed the hair away from my face. My heart beat frantically in my chest as he looked into my eyes. I was frozen, unable to look away as he ran his fingertips over the sensitive skin of my neck and leaned in a fraction. My breath came out in little pants as I clenched the plush blanket in my fists. "Don't," I whispered.
"It's okay," he said gently. He brushed his thumb over my cheek before slipping his hand into my hair. Instead of gripping it in his fist as he had last time, his fingertips teased my scalp. "Let me kiss you the way I should have."
Before I could deny him, he closed the distance. Where before his kiss had been aggressive and urgent, now it was gentle and patient. When I tried pushing him away, he simply enveloped my hands in his and held them to his chest. His mouth moved slowly against mine, tasting without taking. My heart rate steadied a bit once it became obvious he wasn't going to lose control. Finally, he released me, letting me push him away.
I put a hand over my mouth, trying to process the kiss. He was studying me again. "Stop looking at me," I said.
"Would you rather I kiss you again?" he asked.
"No," I said. "I'd rather you go so I can get some sleep and pretend I'm not trapped in this hell hole."
"Well the way your brushing your fingers over you lips makes it seem like you miss mine," he said. My body went rigid as I ripped my hand away from my face. He sighed. "If I let you sleep in a T-shirt, will you get back into bed?" he asked.
"And underwear," I said, meeting his stare.
"No underwear," he argued. "Either way, that blanket is coming off of you and you're getting back in bed. Even if I have to handcuff you so you don't sneak off again." It wasn't a fair trade but not for a second did I think he was bluffing about the handcuffs.
After a few moments of hesitation I finally hissed out my consent. "Fine." He actually had the gall to smirk at me before standing and holding a hand out to me. I ignored it, pushing myself off the ground. He led me back into the room, before heading to the laundry basket where he fiddled with the lock. I tried to avoid looking at his naked figure. I didn't understand how he could be so comfortable? Retrieving the shirt he had worn that day, he tossed it to me. I rocked on my heels, a feeling a deja vu coming over me. "Can you turn around?" I asked.
"Nope," he said. I glared at him but realized arguing was pointless. I didn't actually have to 'get naked' to put on the shirt. I slipped it on over the blanket before undoing the belt around my waist. The soft, grey t-shirt fell to my knees, so at least it covered me. I folded my arms over my breasts before climbing back under the covers of the king sized bed. I sank into the mattress. I hated to admit it, but it was far more comfortable than the floor.
After once again turning off the bedroom lights, Alex joined me. The bed dipped and the heat of his body enveloped me once again. At least, this time, he wasn't worked up. He threw an arm over my waist, burying his face in my hair as I faced the window. I felt much more comfortable than I had earlier in the night. I wasn't as scared. I didn't feel as exposed. I was able to actually relax into Alex's arms and between the exhaustion of the day and the comfort of being back in an actual bed, I was feeling drowsy.
I was safe for the moment. Warm in bed under the cover of darkness. Even though the weight of Alex's arm around me felt foreign, I was still able to slip into the abyss where dreams, fortunately, did not follow.