I didn't know how to react. My arms were frozen in midair and there wasn't time for me to think through on whether I should embrace him the way he did to me. The feeling was so foreign yet so familiar and I was in an utter state of confusion.
So, I patted him on his back. Awkwardly.
"Hi," he finally let me go and said carefully, "how have you been?"
"Ugh," I was trying to find words, "I'm ok, I think? What about you?"
"Same as always," he brushed it off, but I could tell he was nervous. I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. And I didn't want to beat around the bush.
"Listen, Malfoy," I swallowed and said slowly while observing his reaction, "I know what you are worried about. Here's the thing – I kept a journal about what's been going on between us for the past months. And I read it through this morning."
"And?" He did his best to sound casual Malfoy always thought he was good at hiding his emotions, but he was wrong, and I could see his façade right through.
"I don't know how I feel about it," I was honest. "I know I was the one who wrote it down, but it feels like I was being told by a stranger about how I fell in love with the one who I resented and resented me for the longest time. It's weird. I don't know how to process all this information, nor do I know how to approach the matter."
Malfoy was quiet for a few moments before he said in a low voice:
"I understand."
The hint of sorrow in his eyes was killing me. It was as if I was a thief who stole his most precious treasure. I wanted to tell him how I would be fine to continue with what we had before, but it didn't feel right.
This was when I realized, I could either attempt to fall in love with him all over again or walk away and never look back. Right here and right now.
It was a cruel dilemma.
"Do you mind taking a walk with me?" He said gently and caught me off guard. "That is if you are feeling better. Weasley told me that you've got a headache."
"Oh, I'm ok now. And I don't mind," I forced a smile.
There was tension in the air as I was walking with Malfoy to the observatory. It was the kind of tension that hard to describe. We both knew as a fact that something was off, something that was balanced yesterday was disrupted overnight and might or might not ever be restored.
On our way there, we didn't talk. Both of us were buried in our thoughts. I desperately wanted to find a solution, and a way to his mind to know what he was thinking, But I simply couldn't come to a decision. Either choice, I felt wrong. And how was I able to ride along when I had no clear idea where my head was?
It was a spiral with no end and no way out.
Sitting again the stone wall on the observatory, we watched the snowfall. The harsh winter wind blew but neither of us paid attention to the cold.
"Let's be honest with each other, Granger," he didn't look at me, "what do we do now?"
I sighed.
"That's not an answer," he said with determination. "I'm sorry that this whole thing was my fault. But now we have to figure out what to do about it. You know I love you, or at least you knew. I would not ask you for forgiveness of any sort, though it's ultimately going to be your decision to make."
"You're forgiven," I said sheepishly and surprised how he sounded very collected. "Any suggestions?"
"From my side," he took a deep breath yet still now looking at me, "I'd like us to continue. Perhaps things won't be the same for a while, but I hope you can learn to love me again. However, if you decide to move on, I'll respect that. Even that means I'll be devastated."
"Are you trying to make me feel bad?" I frowned.
"No. Why would I?" He finally turned to look at me.
Something about the way he looked like me was breaking my heart. The tenderness and the sadness were slowly crawling into my mind in a way that I couldn't resist. I wanted to apologize, though I had no idea what I would be apologizing for.
And that was when I realized that I did love him. My soul was screaming and screaming that I should hug him and tell him everything was fine, and we would be alright. But the logical and ruthless side of me shut down this emotion-filled idea.
"Hey, didn't you say you want me to visit you during Christmas break?" I said in a pretended chirpy voice. "Does that offer still stand?"
"It does," he squinted and not sure where I was going with it. "Why?"
"Well, I decided that I'll go hang out with you before I go visit Ginny," I shrugged, "unless you've changed your mind."
"No, I didn't. Of course not. You are more than welcome," he said eagerly. "It was just that, well, I didn't expect this."
"I think that's something we both have to accept now," I smiled, and leaned my head on his shoulder. I felt he twitched a bit, but he didn't move away. "About how unexpected life can be."
He seemed amazed at first, then he smirked as he was shaking his head:
"Oh, how I love you, Hermione Granger."