I wake up. It's that dream again. A soft bed, strange clothes and the room makes absolutely no sense in my world. But I know where and who I am and I know I died.
I was an ordinary student in a small town university. Just living my boring life until that day. The day I died and reincarnated.
Now you could say: How classic! What else is there to read in a novel trying to get popular?
Well first: My life is not a novel! I just read those reincarnation novels. They are popular and funny and absolutely horrifying. The choices those MC have to make... Mostly justified but could you make those choices? I don't. And I don't want to.
Second: I am a Catholic. There is no reincarnation in our faith. After death you either go to heaven or hell. You won't simply wake up in a new body. That's why life is so precious: You have only one. One chance no more and no less. Either you achieve the qualifications to enter heaven or not.
Well there is also the chance that God will be gracious and save you. That's the trend nowadays... relying on gods grace, since no one is perfect and no one can say for themselves that they will definitely go to heaven. We all know ourselves the best, we just choose to ignore it sometimes... most of the times.
Then why did I reincarnate?
No idea. Absolutely none. There is and should be no reason for any soul to reincarnate; at least not according to my belief. After death it should be heaven and for the lost souls like mine and many others: hell.
In one of my depressing phases I tried to define what hell is like.
And the conclusion was: Living without God. And I felt like there is no God in the world anymore. That was truly horrifying.
My thoughts went like this:
Why are there no miracles anymore like in the first days of Christianity?
Answer: There is no one left, who truly beliefs in god. Can this be true? It is not something i can or should jugde, but there are quite a few exceptional people living their faith; like Mother Theresa.
So why are there no miracles? There should be some because right after Christi ascension the apostel could still make miracles. So what changed?
Answer: What if the expected return of Christ, which was believed to be immediate, did happen immediatly. And the world itself changed from a world which had at least gods presence to a world where there is absolutly no god? Wouldn´t that - per definition - be hell? Would death be an escape from this hell? Probably not. In this completly insane theory reincarnation should be justified and possible. Just very very unlikely...
I watch myself going through my daily routine. Breakfast, prayer, university... etc. Boring...
I never visit the important parts from my life.
My parents, my siblings... are they doing well?
I wasn't close with them. They couldn't understand my choices and I couldn't understand theirs...
A bunch of crazy people...
But they are my family. My home.
I have a lot of bad memories with them.
And a lot of great ones. Christmas singing under the tree, the birthday partys, our little family band. Having fun and fighting.
Can't I see them one last time?
But my dream always follows the same day.
It is one of my truly shameful days.
A blind woman asks me for directions. And I answer her full of confidence.
But I was wrong... I actually gave a blind person wrong directions and didn't notice until it was too late.
That is so embarrassing and... wrong!
I actually wanted to help and...
Okay calm down... calm down. Either way you are dead to her.
She was a strange one. No staff or sign to show people her disability.
There were a lot of people, but she came to me as if she was seeking for me.
And her gaze... almost as if she could see trough anything even with her closed eyes.
Then I went home and in the evening I layed down and slept. Never to wake again.
Not in my body. Not in my world.
A strange language and culture. I can´t talk and even need to be cared for like a disabled person.
The strange man who I thought was my father never visited again.
*sigh* I miss them. My family I really miss them.... even that manipulative asshole of an elder brother would be fine now.
Argh enough! You lived long enough without them so why are you getting so sentimental now? Conzentrate on learning this god... this language! Focus!
Yeah... I don´t think this will work... isn´t a babies brain suppossed to be much better than an adults? Why does mine seem to be a failure? While mulling over this another day passed by accompanied with my mothers singing. While outside screams and fighting sounds started to drift in through the wooden walls. Is the vilage under attack? Isn´t that a bit early? I mean I can´t exactly fight back and...
My mothers face appeared in front of me smiling and full of love. Somehow I suddendly feel relaxed.
[Y-.,+ä,ßüää.,-.+äölk, Arn.]
Yep I didn´t understand a single word, but her face speaks volume. I don´t need to be worried. Everything is alright. Mom is here. It feels great. Thanks god! Thank you for letting me experience this warm and cozy feeling again. Shall I pray first time in this world? Nmm... let´s do it tommorrow... besides I still don´t think my God would reincarnate me with memories intact.
I begin to drift into the dreamland again in my mothers arm listening to her beautiful singing.
All the while grunting noises could be heard from the outside.