Donis had made his way back into the headquarters, and the crew had been lost deep in a conversation, they hadn't even noticed Donis's arrival. Not that Donis minded right now, he was quite lost in his own little world. That is until Striga pulled him aside.
"Lad, you okay? You don't seem like your usual certain self" whispered Striga.
"Yeah, not really. I'm not sure I feel okay right now. I have the report for the population control of Meckstras ready here though," said Donis as he handed over the Monster Logger.
"Yeah, thanks. You know that I know what's wrong, right? We had someone watch you from the beginning anyway, just to make sure you were okay. If you wanna talk about it, you know where my office is," smiled Striga. In reality, Donis didn't understand a thing she said, but the subtitles made him smile at least.
"Thanks, I think I will. Later though, but right now I need to process a lot, and I'm actually exhausted," fake yawned Donis.
"Alright kid, take it easy," said Striga as she started walking away to the chorus of drunken cries that the crew was.
Donis headed into his attic room, opened the single window and let the cool air in. He was weirdly warm, and oddly sticky. He wished there was a bath here, or anything to wash himself. He did the next best thing though.
Looking into the seen skills column of his skills tab, Donis quickly perused to the spell which Striga used when summoning that massive water column, and also later washing herself with it, -Water Prison-.
-[Water Prison]-
[Intermediate]
[Damage: /]
[Cost: 20-150MP/s]
[Level: 1/5]
Requirement: Intelligence 20 + Elemental Magic.
A column of rotating water that increases it's rotation power the closer you get to the edge. More mana increases the strength of the prisons walls.
Noticing that he has enough Intelligence to learn the skill, Donis goes right ahead. A small wave of euphoria washing over him once more.
'Learning stuff using the system is actually far too addicting. It's like getting high for a brief moment without any negatives,' thought Donis to himself.
After cleaning himself up, Donis used a bit of Fire Charged Mana to heat his body up slowly so that the water would be dried off.
'Huh, it's kind of like a makeshift bathing set, but with magic. It's cool, but it's not the same satisfying feeling of washing at home,' he thought to himself, remembering the comforts of his home back in Vorinar.
Donis laid in bed mulling over the fact that he actually killed something today, and how he even rejoiced when he killed many of them with his spells. He remembered how it all felt, replaying the memory in his head over and over again, letting it echo without pause.
Etheria had cuddled up to him, in the hopes that maybe she could ease the turmoil that is his mind right now. He never could have imagined that he'd be having such moral dilemmas even though they weren't even close to how he imagined his life of adventures turning out.
He always pictured himself as the valiant hero, ready to slay any monster out there, ready to kill whatever necessary. In his mind, the word kill didn't hold any deeper meaning than that, it was just a means to an end. After today, he knew the gravity of such a word, he knew the depth of guilt that it spawns in those that feel.
He felt envious of the protagonists of great stories about the hero whom had vanquished the evil foe with a valiant effort. A smile so bright it would lift the spirits of thousands of soldiers, and swoon the hearts of fair maidens. Yet in reality, those heroes probably were so riddled with guilt that whatever smile the could put up, only hurt them deeper.
And Donis couldn't find the strength to even put up a brave smile, he just needed sleep.
***
The next day, at the headquarters.
A knock came upon Strigas office door. Without getting up, she told them that the door was open and to come in. Donis's face peeked through the door gap before he let himself in. He didn't really know how to act, nor did he know what to say, so he just walked in and sat down opposite to her.
There was already a glass of what seemed to be the same red liquid she was drinking the day before. So Donis without missing a beat, drank the whole thing. It tasted just like a red wine from his previous life. Donis never being much of a wine drinker, couldn't tell if it was high quality or not.
"Nervous huh? Look, killing something with a spell and killing something with your bare hands are two different things Donis. On one hand, killing something or someone with a spell is easier. It's because you can detach yourself from the experience, from the guilt, and from many other negative side effects of killing. You can be guiltless because you didn't actually FEEL the person dying. They just either crumbled away, or disappeared, and with that they didn't matter anymore," said Striga pouring him another glass, and quickly following suit with her own glass.
"On the other hand, killing with your bare hands, now that's difficult. It's not just hard, it's downright horrible for your first time. You feel their life in your hands, you feel their existence and it's nearly impossible to detach yourself from that experience. Yet, whether it's your hands or your spells that kill, it's still killing at the end of the day. Though one could argue that killing monsters is better than killing humanoids, but that's for the philosophers to discuss and not me."
"Then why does it feel so bad anyway? I nearly got Etheria killed, or if it was a higher level monster, I could have gotten myself killed. If it's better, than why does it still fucking feel so vile?" said Donis with a refrained strain in his voice.
"Kid, it's never easy. Our missions are top priority though. It may not seem like they're much more than just random murder of local wildlife, but it's much more than that. You don't quite yet know everything, nor do you see the world like we do. You're not just randomly murdering things, you're culling populations of monsters that threaten to get out of hand if not checked. You don't see your Monster Logger tagging the other 43 species of monsters in Balneer, do you? No," said Striga with a pained tone.
"That's because the Informants have given us legitimate info based on the findings of our crew members here. They know the spawn cycles, they know the tendencies, and they make decisions based on that and probably hundreds of other factors. If by some reason they're wrong, you're able to receive notifications via the Monster Logger for any changes in the missions," said Striga as she stared at the still not satisfied Donis.
"Okay, great, so I'm not murdering for the sake of murder, so why do I still feel like a monster for ripping apart those creatures? I can't shake the feeling of their flesh breaking under my fingers, I can't shake the image of Etheria getting so mad because I got hurt. I can't shake the idea that these monsters potentially feel the same way I do about their kin," said Donis, holding back his tears.
"Well kid, there's many things I can show you, or tell you here. None of them will make you feel better. You have to do this as a [Monster Specialist], because not only is it your job, it's your duty to keep the townsfolk safe, and sometimes, you have to take preemptive measures to ensure the safety of the masses. Take solace in knowing that the Monsters with an Intelligence below 10 aren't close to humans. They're even less than the pets we keep. Unlike us, their intelligence isn't linked to how our Intelligence stat scales with us. All of the monsters, save maybe the evolved ones, in the majority of the locations in Grimbay are sub 10 Intelligence," Striga said as she downed another glass.
Conversations about the emotional stability of people was never her strong suit, nor was it something she knew how to handle. To her, everything came naturally. She was never overtly bothered by the seemingly random kill quests she had to do, nor was she bothered by the feeling of her first kill. To her, these feelings come from people who have had too much time to think and feel, unlike her.
"Lad listen okay, just take today off, come back to us tomorrow. Maybe get ol' Jimmy there to help you out to find something to do in Grimbay rather than staying indoors. We know how hard the first kill can be, but trust me, we all understand. Your heart and your pain are shared by all here, it's why I chose them to stay. They're still human, they're still the same idiots that feel too much. Fuck, half the reason we drink is because of the guilt. So for today, your mission is to take your mind off of things, and give yourself a break, you look like you barely slept last night," said Striga softly as she put away the glasses.
"Thanks captain. I.. I'll find something to do today, thanks. I feel... somewhat better after this talk. I think I just need some time," said Donis with a teary-eyed smile.
The door softly clicked behind him as he left the room to go and find Jimmy. Striga sighed quietly, trying to shove the memories of all the other students before Donis to the back of her mind. It never got easier. No matter how many times she's had this conversation with the new students.