Nights have always been quiet and slow at their part of the city. The subdivision is old, from the 1970s, when the roads are wider and the lots spacious enough to raise a family. It was isolated then when she lived with her aunt back in the late 80s. There was a long road empty of houses on both sides to pass through before reaching their house. There were reports of rape from years ago. A suspected "aswang" living just beyond the tall mango tree. Now, the empty road is closed by the new subdivision developer and the public jeepneys pass through houses and houses of new and old residents on both sides of the road. Still, nights are quiet and the residents happily contented. It is not an expensive subdivision but close to all amenities. Middle-class families mostly with a few new monies living among them.
The first nights her mother passed, she can barely remember now. But it has been mostly empty. Empty nights. Hollow days. She is sometimes amazed at how bright the day is when she happens to venture outside the house. The bungalow is surrounded by several decade-old trees that offer shade and cool winds even inside the house. When the trees were smaller, the house can be unbearably hot especially at noon. Now, it is cool the whole day and she and her sister only needed electric fans to dissipate the heat. Neighbors without trees use air conditioners.
Even when it is a fairly safe subdivision, intruders are often reported. They sneak in at night and steal what they can. They are outsiders, neighbors would say. Some are small kids who can enter through small windows, with older accomplices waiting close by. Luckily for her, the neighbors across the road and beside them have CCTV. And she has her two loving dogs. Mix breeds are her Pawie and Shade. Shade is about the size of a Labrador while Pawie is smaller, by about half in size.
Her mother was not a dog lover, though, and when she was more active, she would beat the dogs. She has always wanted to be closer to her mother but several reasons prevented that. She had often wondered how to be closer to her mother. Now that she is gone, she kept wondering why it turned that way. It now feels like she was not strong or smart enough to overcome family opinions about the role of women in the family. About how she knew her mother. About how capable she thought she is. About how kind God is. About what obedience and kindness are. She is in a gloomy place in her heart in a quiet part of the city. These nights offer nothing new. Those days made no calls. They made the clocks useless, tiresome, mere decor.
The loving dogs need their treats so she gets out to buy fried chickens or gizzards from the wheeled peddlers near the main road. Her fur babies give her tasks to do and mark the passing of hours. Their dependence on her gives her responsibility. Yet, she feels she is not responsible enough for anything bigger than caring for the dogs. True, she cares for her sister but she does not feel competent. She feels any success or good that her sister received is not from her really but from the mercy of God. She should have begged for more mercy from God regarding her mother. But she had felt God was too busy for her. Even disappointed. Now, looking back, there is really nothing else that could have been done but beg before God. Jesus said forgive thy neighbor so that God will forgive you. Who can she show mercy to that God may show her mercy? And how merciful should she be?
Is not kindness a window through which the wicked enters and destroys you? What did Jesus said, "I am sending you as sheep among wolves"? "Therefore be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove"? How can you be a serpent in the service of God? Does he him pit smarts with the Devil?
But to go head to head against the Devil is not what the pastors said. They said to "oppose" the Devil by being long-suffering and making sacrifices. Is that smart enough? Can you g in among wolves and win against them by simply being meek and ready to make sacrifices?
But she is certain the wolves in sheep's clothing are the doctors seeking riches in the suffering of others. She should have been ready for them and protected her mother.
Now, she needs mercy too and ready for the end of the world. Darkness and daylight make to difference. Who needs help? We all do, she thought. I, too, need saving. And there is nothing that she can offer. Nothing that anyone could possibly need from her. She expected no one to call on her.
Except for the kitten perhaps, whom she, too, eventually failed. Yes, the poor thing.
They used to have about a dozen cats. About because some of them will be gone for days and she only needs to feed those who stay behind, and they do not number to a dozen. But when the matriarch feline died when Shade chased her to under the large closet, one by one the cats left. She only wanted to set a limit for the cats, not to hang out in her mother's room.
When she brought Shade home as a puppy and watch her interact with the cats, she thought that when Shade is fully grown, she will chase the cats away. She hoped her mother will be taken by Shade. But a thought came to her that when the cats are gone, her mother will be gone. She refused to listen to that thought. But it did come true.
Can she not love both cats and dogs and keep her mother, too?
Recently, she wanted to keep cats again. The rats are running all over her lawn while Shade and Pawie only chase them occasionally. The rats are faster and know where to hide. When Shade does catches them, death is certain. Pawie though is not determined to kill any rat. She will only chase them to smell them. Pawie has no will to kill. Although I appreciate Shade's hunting skills, I love Pawie for her reluctance to kill.