The air was thick with tension when I finally walked into the kitchen. Cereal boxes littered the table along with a gallon of milk and a stack of over due bills. Dad already had two jobs, but it never seemed to be enough to keep us afloat for very long. I gave Aiden a smile as I sat in the empty seat next to him. He was only a couple years younger than me, but over the past few months I couldn't help but noticed how much older he seemed internally. He nodded in my direction as he bit into an apple, never once raising his eyes to meet mine. My heart hurt as I tried to look for the words to bring a conversation to life, but what could I say? Though siblings, we lost our connection to one another a long while ago. We barely knew who the other was anymore.
I grabbed one of the cereal boxes and poured it into the bowl set out for me, not really caring if it was a new box or a stale one we seem to always forget to throw out. Reaching for the jug of milk Aiden pushed it away and shook his head.
"It expired a week ago."
His words were quiet, void of any emotion, and I wondered if he had any left in him. He wasn't the same little brother I had come to love so dearly before. His grey eyes were dull and heavy bags hung from them as if wanting the world to ask about his sorrows. His brown hair stuck up in every direction allowing the frown he wore to be completely visible. He rarely smiled anymore and rarely was putting it lightly. I can't remember the last time I heard him laugh or even tell me a joke. What I wouldn't give to take his pain away and see him happy again.
I remember the first day he was finally able to walk. How he stumbled from one end of the room to the next. I remember seeing his little face light up when he didn't have to hold onto anything anymore as he ran to me. His little arms wrapping around me legs as he giggled into my stomach. His eyes had held so much innocence, so much love, and so much trust. It's hard to see his eyes so empty now and to wonder if that light will ever shine through again or if we lost that with mother as well.
Suddenly my appetite was nowhere to be seen and my readiness for the day dropped even lower than it had already been before. I sighed letting my thoughts leave my mind with the air from my lungs. Clearing my head I began to straighten the stack of bills, making a mental note to go through them later. I threw the empty boxes of cereal in the trash along with the expired milk and added them to the long list on the fridge of what we needed when money was available.
The clock on the microwave screamed angrily at me. Always late no matter how early I get up. We were never on time, it seemed like we just couldn't get a grasp on how it worked or how to manage it. Like everything else it was another aspect of the day that had no mercy or care in the world on what we're going through. They tell you that it gets easier, but they don't tell you that the only way that's possible is if you're strong enough to adapt to the world that never stopped spinning for you in the first place.
The sound of wood scraping on wood catches my attention and I turn to see Aiden gathering his stuff. Realizing if we didn't leave now we wouldn't make it in time for first hour and a call would be made to dad. As if he didn't have enough on his plate already. Grabbing my bag from the table I followed Aiden to the front door and slipped on a jacket and a pair of old tennis shoes before heading out into the cold morning.
With dad working two jobs the car was rarely ever up for grabs and so Aiden and I started the six block walk to the school. Our home rested on the outskirts of town, tucked back in the forest a few hundred feet. My mother had been a photographer and a lover of nature. When the house came up for sale a few years ago dad couldn't say no to her. I think he would have given his own arm just to keep her happy. In some ways I can still feel her here. I can feel her in the way the sun warms my cheeks and engulfs my body in a warm hug, in the way the wind brushes my hair out of my face, and in the way the birds sing the melody she use to sit outside and listen to for hours.
"Why are you smiling like that?" Aiden eyed me as we made our way onto the main road.
"I didn't realize I was smiling." My hand instinctively reached for the pendant around my neck, my anxiety making me feel as if I've done something wrong.
"It's been awhile since I've seen you smile like that, its been too long really." A heavy sigh escaped his lips, his face falling in defeat. "Do you think we'll ever get back to where we were before? Do you think it's possible without her?"
My feet became heavy like cement as what he asked sank in. In the last nine months none of us had really spoken about what happened or how we felt. The time never seemed right and we each found different ways to cope. Dad dove into work and was rarely home. I took up writing and photography, spending many of my days down at the creak. Aiden locked himself in his room and away from the world all together. We all shoved the others out without realizing the damage we were doing. It's been nine months and out of fear of pushing each other over the edge, we ignored the subject to the point that we became strangers in a time when we needed family.
Tears found their way to the edge of my eyelids causing me to blink hard to keep them at bay. I was not going to cry for the second time today, I was not going to show my red face at school for everyone to pity the girl who can't keep herself together. But no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes the tears still managed to escape. I sighed in frustration of my emotions ratting me out. Warm arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly causing my tears to fall harder and a wail to leave my mouth. I could feel Aiden rest his chin on my head as he rocked us side to side while lightly humming a soothing tune.
"My how I feel you've aged years past fifteen. As your older sister I should be taking care of you." A light laugh slipped past my lips, my tears drying up as I tried to steer the situation in a new direction.
Aiden shushed me pulling away slightly to look down at me. Worry shined bright in his face as he rubbed his thumbs under my eyes catching the last of the tears.
"We're all hurting. I think we've given each other too much time and space." His voice was tired, like the mask he's worn all this time was finally falling out of place to show who was hidden behind. "I think it's time we all sat down and talked. It's time we move forward.." He paused slightly, "...mom would want us to be happy."
I could feel my head move up and down, but the words to agree just wouldn't leave my lips. My mind becoming distracted by the burning in my eyes and the scratch in my throat. I cursed myself for not keeping my emotions in better check, I should be over these outbursts by now. Brother or not, there had to come a time when the tears would stop pouring out, right? It has to get easier from here, because I'm not sure I have any more tears left in me.
Aiden wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pushed me forward. Forward. That's all we can do now. Move forward and hope that everything plays out better than it has in the past. I just hope to god-or whoever is out there listening to me-that the worst has already passed. I'm as broken as I can get, one more hit and I don't think my pieces could be glued back together again.