Alex was dreaming. No, rather than a dream, he was remembering an image of a past he wishes to forget. How can a sixteen year old boy carry a weight the world made him carry? He felt the world spinning, but his was not, leaving him with the pain his heart almost at it's breaking point.
He was 16, still in highschool, when he fell in love with a guy who changed him. A senior in high school, 18 year old Jameson. He showed Alex the black and white of a gay relationship. He taught him how to hold his head high and face the world. There would be supporters, there would be bashers and there would be those who turn a blind eye. Alex became strong but Jameson was at his limit.
It was a cold January morning, first day of school after Christmas break, Alex walked to school, oblivious of what was ahead. Jameson was waiting for him, as usual, by the school gates. By then they have been together for almost 6 months, the rumors had died down but the bullies were still around. They got the usual stares and teasing but Alex brushed them off.
"If only they stop, the world will be a better place." Jameson said while they were having lunch.
"I don't expect much though. But that will be nice." Alex replied.
"But what if we go? Will it change?"
Alex looked at Jameson and smiled. "We are a minority so I'm not sure."
On his way home, Jameson met an accident, while Alex got home safely but come dinner, he was served with a news that left him broken. Alex's father had died on a road accident. He was driving his car and was hit by another vehicle. His car crashed on the sidewalk where Jameson was standing. On that same day one January evening, he lost a father and a lover.
But like what Jameson taught him, he had his head held high even when the people at school started talking about the accident and started whispering around him and when he attended Jameson's funeral, and Jameson's family gave him disgusted looks. He endured because that's what his first love taught him. Be strong, be brave, even if the world collapsed around you. He stood his ground but deep inside he crumbled.
"You should go home." Josh spoke to Alex when he found him in his couch, staring at the tv that wasn't even turned on. "Anna said he's wasted."
"Can I do this?" Alex murmured. "Jameson said that I should be strong no matter what, but he went and died on me."
Josh sat beside him and sighed. "You know, you were so happy when you were with James, when he died you were so strong I didn't even see you cry. It has been 4 years "
Alex did not respond.
"You like that kid, Jason, right? "
Alex let out a chuckle. "He's the same age as Jameson when we were together."
Both of them fell silent, only the barking of Josh's dog can be heard.
"You should go for it. It's time to move forward." Although for Josh, it's a way for him to be forgiven. He wanted Alex to forgive him. He wanted to forgive himself. He needed to move forward too, this would be his atonement.
"I know. But I'm scared. "
"Scared of what? It was an accident. It wasn't James's choice to die right?"
"But if something goes right, there is something bound to go wrong."
"It's not always the case man, not always."