I realized that this was going to be more complicated than I had been thinking.
* * *
Complicated, however, went further than just figuring out how to get away with things. That night as I lay in bed, I found myself thinking about all sorts of things, and wondering about what I might've gotten myself into. Sex with Marilyn was amazing, better and more connected than it had ever been with Abbie, despite how cute Abbie had been. With Abbie, sex was fun. We were both young, there was no need for it to be serious.
With Marilyn, it was different, though I couldn't necessarily figure out how. And I absolutely did want more. I couldn't tell if the cousins thing made it worse or better, but I didn't give a damn. When Marilyn had talked about needing a lot more practice, I was delighted. I looked forward to a long, hot summer.
But then, I also began to wonder. What about the fall? What about when I go to State? When we both go to State? I had been looking forward to college as a chance to hook up with a seemingly endless stream of cute and eager college girls. What was I going to do about Marilyn? I had kind of suggested that we would be there for each other in college. But what did that mean? Was she thinking that we were going to keep being an item when we got to State?
The sex was great, but was I willing to give up all those girls I hadn't even met yet? And if I wasn't, how was I going to let Marilyn down? Had I made some huge mistake? Was I letting myself get trapped in the same way she got trapped with Billy?
Of course, I had no interest in stopping what we were doing anytime soon. It was just something to think about for the future...sometime.
* * *
I ended up napping for a while, and then got dressed and went downstairs to help out with dinner preparations. Dad was doing hamburgers again -- the kids loved them and nobody really got tired of them. I shaped a bunch of patties and then went in to get the catchup and relish and buns and stuff.
Marilyn came down about 20 minutes later and went into the kitchen to help my mom. They brought out a macaroni salad, along with a plate with carrot strips and with tomato slices for the hamburgers.
The kids always loved these outdoor meals, which gave them a chance to run around and play when they were finished with dinner and before dessert arrived.
Marilyn and I were seated beside each other, and when the kids went to play and mom and dad went in to bring out pie and ice cream for dessert, Marilyn said to me, "I want to come to your room tonight."
"I want that too," I said. "You know we need to be really quiet. There won't be a thunderstorm providing background sound this time. Maybe next time we go into town we should look for one of those sex shops and see if we could pick up one of those ball gags they sell -- you know, for BDSM?"
Marilyn gave me a sharp elbow to the side, although I could see her smiling at the thought. "Don't worry, Ricky, I can keep quiet. I hope you can too."
I wasn't exactly sure about either of us on that score.
Then my parents came out with hot apple pie and ice cream and called the kids back to the table, so that was the end of our strategizing.
* * *
After dinner, Marilyn and I helped take the dishes and left-over food back into the kitchen, and loaded up the dishwasher and started it.
By that time, mom and dad had gone upstairs with the kids to get them ready for bed. Marilyn and I sat outside on a bench looking at the lake and enjoying the sunset.
We stayed out there for a while. Mom and dad had settled in in the living room and were listening to make sure the kids were actually down for the evening.
Marilyn and I were in no rush. We wanted to make sure the kids were fully asleep before we headed back upstairs.
When we got upstairs, I stopped to brush my teeth and then went into my bedroom and put on some shorts and a T-shirt. I turned out the light and lay in bed, watching the moon through the open shade.
I was waiting to hear Marilyn's knock on the door. I started wondering whether perhaps she might've changed her mind, whether maybe my comment about the ball-gag might've pissed her off.
After another couple of minutes, I heard a soft knock and the door opened. Marilyn came in, walking as softly as she could, and closed the door behind her.
"Hi Ricky, are you still awake?"
"I'm here. I've been waiting."
I watched Marilyn's silhouette against the moonlight as she came towards the bed. Then she stopped for a moment and I watched as she pulled the nightshirt up over her head and let it fall to the floor. As she bent over to get into bed with me, I could see her breasts hanging down.
I immediately sat up and pulled off my T-shirt and then skooched my butt and up pulled off my shorts and tossed them over the side of the bed.
Marilyn climbed into bed with me and leaned towards me and began to kiss me. In spite of how new she was to this, she was an amazing kisser. It was everything I could ever have wanted -- passionate, intense, and...personal? There was that strange sense of connection I felt. I wondered if it had anything to do with the cousins thing.
By now I was feeling her naked breasts against my chest. It felt wonderful and somehow sexy in a way that being in bed with Abbie had never felt. Marilyn was a woman, not just a girl, and the sexual energy felt deeper and more primal. It was a different kind of experience, and this time, she wasn't my student anymore. It was almost as if she understood more than I did about what she wanted.
I moved my head down to her breasts and began kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Her nipples were already sticking out hard for me and I sucked on them and played with them with my tongue. She was breathing hard, and whispering to me, "Oh yes, Ricky, that's it. I love that."
I kept on sucking on her nipples, and then began kissing my way down her stomach, down to her bush. She hadn't bothered wearing panties tonight. I rubbed my face in her bush, loving the feel of burying myself in her that way. Then I moved down and began kissing all around her mound. I took her pussy lips between mine, sucking and licking all the way down, and then going back up with my tongue between her lips, tasting her and feeling her all the way. I could feel her hips moving against me, especially when I went back down and stuck my tongue inside her and licked her and played with her, loving feeling her pushing back up against me.
I kissed my way back up to her mound, and found her clit sticking out and waiting for me. I licked it gently and then began sucking on it. I could feel her legs spread wide and her whole body responding. "Oh God, Ricky, that feels so good! I love it!"
Somehow, she was managing to keep things to a whisper.
I was ready to get into position to enter her, but she stopped me and whispered, "Not yet, it's my turn. Lie down."
I lay down on my back and Marilyn sat up. She reached down and took my cock in her hand and then bent forward and began kissing and licking around the head. Then she began kissing her way down the front of my cock to my balls. When she got to my balls, she began kissing them and licking them and sucking gently on them. "Do you like that, Ricky?" she asked.
"That's beautiful," I whispered. "I love it. It's perfect." I couldn't believe we were having to whisper, but neither of us wanted to mess things up.
She kissed her way back up and then began taking my cock into her mouth and sucking on it, gradually taking more and more of it into her mouth. As she kept going, she began sucking on me harder and faster, almost voraciously. She seemed almost to have forgotten about me and was just focusing on her own hunger for my cock.
It was fierce. I knew if she kept going, I wouldn't be able to hold out.
"You'd better stop now," I whispered. "I don't think I can hold out much longer this way, and there's more I want to do with you."
Marilyn slowly let go of my cock and lay back down with her legs open. I leaned over and kissed her again, partly to give my cock a chance to recover and not be too hair-trigger. Then I got up and positioned myself between her legs. I slowly lowered myself down and rub my cock up and down between her lips, feeling how wet she was. Then I moved down and began to enter her.
"I'm totally wet," she whispered. "Don't bother going slow, just shove it all the way in. I want you all the way in me right now. Fuck me as fast and as hard as you can."
Even though she was whispering and I had been whispering, the night was dead silent aside from the occasional hoot of an owl. I hoped the kids were very fast asleep.
I got my cock all the way in her, and she grabbed my ass to pull me in harder.
"Fuck me! Hard! I want to feel you pounding against my pussy!"
I began fucking as hard and as fast as I could, and her hips were moving up to meet me. It didn't take long before I felt myself getting ready to come.
"I'm going to come," I whispered.
"Yes, shoot it all! I want all your hot come deep inside me!"
We both began coming, and our hips were pounding together. We continued grinding our hips together even after we were both done.
Slowly I let myself down on top of her. She reached up and held me tightly against her.
* * *
I had already come, but she wasn't willing to let go. She clamped her pussy around my cock and kept moving slowly back and forth. I heard her whisper, "You're not done yet."
Somehow, after a little while of having her rubbing her tight pussy muscles against my cock, I found myself starting to get hard again.
Once I had gotten hard, Marilyn rolled us over so she was on top. I could see her silhouette above me in the moonlight. She looked towering, almost like some Amazon woman, fresh from battle. She sat there a moment, then leaned forward so her breasts were in my face. "Suck on my tits!" she whispered. "Suck as hard as you can!"
I took one of her nipples in my mouth and began sucking. "Harder," she whispered. "Hard as you can! And then the other one."
I was sucking harder than I ever had on a girl's nipples. Normally I would have been afraid to go all out like this, but she was loving it. I felt her pussy begin to grind against my cock as hard as I was sucking on her.
Then she sat up again and began to fuck in earnest. She was grinding so hard I felt as if my entire dick was being swallowed up into her pussy. "Fuck, fuck!" she was saying, almost too loud. "I'm going to fuck you harder than we've ever fucked."
Her hips were moving violently against me, as if she was in the throes of multiple orgasms. I began to worry she might end up ripping my cock off in her frenzy.
"Come for me! Shoot for me! I want to feel your hot come shooting all the way inside me!"
She kept grinding furiously on my dick and finally I felt myself getting ready to come.
"I'm coming for you! I'm coming!" I began shooting inside her. Between the furious motion of her hips and the fact that I was coming a second time without pulling out (and my third time for the day), my orgasm felt almost distant, as if it was happening to someone else. It was as if I had been running a marathon, rather than just having hot sex.
Eventually she got off me, and we lay there side-by-side, holding hands, not saying anything. It was weird. It felt as if something new had happened, but I couldn't quite tell what it was. There was a strange weight to it. I couldn't say what I was feeling, except that I had never felt that before.
We lay there for a while longer, and then Marilyn sat up. She moved over me and got off the bed and found her nightshirt on the floor. She put it on, and then leaned down and kissed me on the lips. "Good night, Ricky."
She left, treading softly, and closed the door behind her.
I lay there, feeling as if I had been run over by something mysterious, something I didn't understand at all. I didn't bother reaching for my shorts or T-shirt, I just lay there until I finally fell asleep.
* * *
Normally, having hot sex the night before would leave me in a very upbeat mood the next morning. But somehow, I found myself feeling unsettled. I wasn't quite ready to just hang out with my parents and the kids and do the family thing. I needed a break.
I knew my mom was going to make her usual full breakfast, but I decided to just grab some yogurt instead. Then I headed back upstairs to put on running shorts and my running shoes.
As I was about to start upstairs, Marilyn came down. "Hi Ricky, are you finished with breakfast already?"
"Yeah, I just grabbed some yogurt. I thought I'd go out for a run, get some endorphins flowing."
"Running? That sounds like a great idea. Would it be okay if I joined you? I'm not sure if I could keep up with you, but I'd love to get a chance to get some jogging in.
"When I was a community college, one of the classes I signed up for was a gym class about running. I thought a class like that -- something physical -- might be good for my outlook, get me out of the funk I was in. I wasn't fast enough to be a sprinter, so mainly I just worked on distance. I enjoyed it, and I ended up losing a bunch of weight."
I hadn't known about her getting into running, but maybe that was why her body looked so amazing, much leaner and more toned than she would have been when she was just studying all the time and hanging out with Billy.
"It looks like a beautiful morning," she said, "and this would be a great area to go running."
"Sure," I said. "I don't know that much about the area, but there shouldn't be that much traffic around here on a weekday. If you want to grab some yogurt and put on your running gear, I'll be happy to wait for you."
* * *
I went up to my room and put on my running shorts and jogging shoes and headed back downstairs. As I got to the bottom, Marilyn had just arrived to go upstairs and get changed too.
By now my mom was up and heading into the kitchen to make breakfast. I told her that Marilyn I had just had yogurt and were going running together.
I went into the living room and sat on the sofa until Marilyn came back down. As we went out the front door, Marilyn asked, "Which way should we go?"
I thought for a second and then said, "Normally, if it was just me, I would just head out down the main road. But since you're with me, maybe it would be nice to go down to one of the parking areas by the lake and maybe head out on the running trail there. It's a lot more scenic. We can take my car down there so as not to get worn out before we get to the trail."
We got in my car and I drove down about a mile and a half and turned off to the right to a small parking area. On a weekend, there might've been some tourists parking there to go picnicking or whatever, but right now it was empty. We got out of the car and walked down towards the lake to the running trail.
I started pretty slowly, since I didn't know how fast Marilyn was used to running. She was having no trouble keeping up with me, and before long she said, "We can go faster if you want. I can handle it."
I sped up to something closer to my normal running pace, with Marilyn keeping up comfortably. It was a beautiful place to go jogging with a wonderful view of the lake the whole time. We had probably covered a little more than 2 miles when we arrived at another parking area. That seemed like a pretty good place to turn around and head back.
We headed back at a slightly slower pace, thoroughly enjoying the beautiful morning and being in nature.
When we got back to where we had started, we stopped to catch our breath and just take a leisurely look at the lake in front of us. It had been a good run, and I was definitely feeling the endorphins.
"This is really beautiful," Marilyn said. "It feels so good to have a chance to get out and run."
We were standing there, side-by-side. I felt Marilyn take my hand in hers. We turned towards each other, and then we began to kiss. Although it began with a kiss on the lips, almost immediately we began kissing passionately and holding each other tight. I started running my hands up to feel her breasts.
Marilyn stopped for a moment and pulled back. "Is there any place kind of private around here?"
We had passed by various areas slightly off the trail that weren't particularly visible. "I'm pretty sure we can find some place," I said. "Wait a second while I get something from the car."
I went up to the car open the trunk and looked around. I had an old blanket I had figured might be useful for picnics, and I got it out. I folded it over my arm and went back to Marilyn.
"Let's go take a look," I said. We headed out down the road in the other direction and before long I spotted an area a little ways up on the right, with a bunch of bushes in front of it. We headed up there and I spread out the blanket.
Marilyn took off her jogging shoes and socks, and then stood up and pulled off her sleeveless running shirt and then her sports bra. Then she pulled off her running shorts and panties. I loved watching her getting naked in full morning daylight out in nature like this. If this had been part of one of those big-screen movies, this would have been one of the defining, iconic shots, the kind that launches an unknown actress to stardom. It was incredibly sensual, and I was totally turned on.
I quickly pulled off my jogging shoes and socks and my shirt and shorts and underwear. I went over in front of her and kneeled down and started rubbing my face in her bush.
"Ricky, I'm all sweaty," Marilyn protested.
"I don't care," I said, moving down to lick her and suck on her and taste her. I didn't mind the sweat it all -- it only made it sexier.
She began spreading her legs to give me more room to run my tongue up and down between her lips and stick my tongue inside and play with her. "That feels so good. It feels so sexy being naked out here in nature."
Then she kneeled down, "I want you to suck on my nipples too."
I began sucking on her nipples and playing with them with my tongue. It seemed so beautiful seeing everything in bright sunlight. I was wishing we could always be outdoors in broad daylight when having sex.
Marilyn stopped me and leaned down to take my cock in her mouth. "I love how you taste this way," she said. "I love the sweat on you."
I loved watching her and saying my cock go out and out of her mouth shiny with her saliva.
After a moment or two, she lay down with her legs spread for me. I got over her and stuck my cock in her pussy. I was moving slowly because I loved being there with her, both naked, out in nature. Gradually, we speeded up, and then Marilyn turned us over so she was riding me, and I could watch her above me in full daylight. We were in no hurry, we didn't really want to be finished. Still, after a while, our bodies took over and we began moving faster and grinding harder against each other.
"Oh yes, Ricky, that's so good! I want you to come in me, give it all to me! This is so beautiful!"
We both sped up and felt ourselves coming together. I rolled us back over so I could be on top of her and let her feel how hard I was coming for her.
When I was finished, I fell forward on her and we just held each other. This was an occasion that I knew neither of us would ever forget.
Finally, I rolled off her and we lay side-by-side holding hands.
That was when we heard some sounds and then heard some people talking. It must've been a pair of joggers, and I heard one asking the other, "Did you hear something just now?"
"I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe it was some ducks or something, or maybe a car driving by on the main road."
The sounds and the voices headed off down the trail.
Marilyn and I stayed very silent until the voices had disappeared. Then we found ourselves laughing. It was time to get dressed again and head back to the house. No sense in having people wonder why we were gone so long.
We got dressed, and I folded up the blanket, and we headed back to the car. But the blanket back in the trunk we drove back home.
When we got back, my parents and the kids were all out at the dock swimming.
I looked out and waved my mom to indicate that we would join them on a moment.
We went back upstairs and changed into our swimsuits.
As I came out of my room, Marilyn was coming out of hers, wearing her pink bikini. "That was beautiful, Ricky," she said. "And sexy as hell too. Thanks for taking me along jogging with you.
"By the way," she added in more of a whisper, "my mom and dad are coming in tomorrow and I'm going to drive to the airport to get them. I'm going to be getting up early, so you'll have to do without me tonight."
* * *
Marilyn's parents' plane was scheduled to arrive early afternoon.
By the time I came down for breakfast, Marilyn had already taken her parents' car into town to run some errands. My mom had thought she would get back around 11 or so, but around 11:45, Marilyn called to say she was running late and asked that they have Toby and Jessica ready to come out when she arrived.
When she pulled in, the visor on her side was down. I guess she had put it down to keep the sun out of her eyes, but it also meant her face was totally hidden. The kids went running out to the car, excited about seeing their parents again. Since they weren't going to have time to eat lunch with us, Mom had made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for them along with juice boxes, and had packed a bag for Marilyn as well.
It seemed pretty quiet with us on our own. Without their cousins to play with them, the twins didn't really want to go swimming, so I ended up playing some board games with them in the living room. Around five I helped my dad get the grill going so we would be ready when the others got back.
When the car pulled into the driveway around six, everyone was excited to see Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Herb. Aunt Ellie hugged me and Uncle Herb and I shook hands, and then the twins came running to greet them. I saw Marilyn come in, but she was busy with the other members of the family.
As I watched the scene, I noticed that Marilyn had had her hair done -- it was looking lustrous, like the hair some of those models in the commercials swirl around -- and she was wearing new clothes -- a pair of shorter shorts and a sleeveless top that showed plenty of midriff. Basically, it was the kind of outfit that you would expect a hot girl her age to wear, but not at all the kind of thing Marilyn would wear. After a moment, I realized she was even wearing lipstick -- not flaming red or anything, but this was not something I would have ever expected. Aunt Ellie and Uncle Herb were exclaiming to my parents about how good Marilyn was looking.
I understood that Marilyn was happy to be in the middle of all this, but she didn't even seem to look at me.
I couldn't tell if I was just being paranoid, or if there was something wrong. Had I done something? Or not done something? I had expected her to be happy to see me and to want me to be there with her, but there was nothing.
For dinner, my dad cooked up a bunch of chicken parts marinated with barbecue spices, fresh corn, and some more of my mom's potato salad, with beer for the adults (including me and Marilyn) and lemonade for the kids.
With Aunt Ellie and Uncle Herb joining in, the outdoor table was considerably more crowded. Marilyn situated herself beside her parents, across from my parents, with her younger siblings beside her. I sat down next to my mom, but somehow the conversation seemed to leave me out. Instead, the younger kids were eager to have me talk with them and be part of their group. Everything felt totally awkward to me.
After dinner, the younger kids were ready to run around and play for a while. Mom and Aunt Ellie cleaned up the dishes and leftovers. Dad went out to the car with Uncle Herb to bring in their suitcases and let them get settled in.
* * *
That left Marilyn and me. Since I had no idea what was going on, I had no idea of whether it was even okay to talk to her.
She came over to where I was sitting, and said, "Hey Ricky, why don't we go out to the dock for a moment?"
We walked out to the dock together. She didn't try to hold my hand or anything, although with her parents around that would not have been a good idea under any circumstances.
We walked a little bit out onto the dock and stood there, looking out at the water and the sunset.
Then Marilyn said, "Ricky, we need to talk. I know you know something's going on and I understand why you're confused. The truth is, I'm confused too.
"First, I want you to know that you haven't done anything wrong. Not at all. It's just stuff going on in my head. So much has changed for me this week, it's hard for me to figure any of it out.
"When I arrived here, I was still in bad shape because of the whole Billy thing. I didn't want him back, that's for sure, but I had made such a huge mistake and I wasn't past that. Being back home with my parents hadn't done anything, and even going to community college spring semester hadn't really made a difference in how I was feeling.
"I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how to go about it. So when you walked in on me that morning, my anger was all about the frustration I was feeling.
"I mean yes, seeing you naked did give me an idea about what I wanted to do. But the only thing that was coming across was how angry I was.
"Getting to tell you the whole story of what happened with me and Billy helped a lot, even though I was pretty humiliated by having you find me peeking at you through your keyhole. I'm still embarrassed about that.
"Coming into your room during the thunderstorm was all my idea. I knew what I was doing. I was a little amazed at myself since it seemed so out of character with what everybody saw me as being. But it also felt good finally doing something I wanted to do without any excuses. I was taking charge of my life for the first time in a very long time.
"All of it was perfect. You were perfect. And for the first time I felt genuinely sexy and able to feel good about it.
"You know, afterwards, when you began to apologize, thinking maybe you had taken advantage of me, I got mad at you for even thinking that, for not seeing me as someone who could act on my own.
"But now, I see why you would have worried about that. Partially because you're a genuinely nice guy who wouldn't want to take advantage of someone. But also because I was still so much in my old self. In spite of the sex, that part of me hadn't changed. And I still didn't know how to change it.
"Buying that pink bikini was a first step in changing how people looked at me. And even though your mom was a little freaked out, I felt really good wearing it. I knew I looked sexy in it, and I realized how much I liked that. When you mentioned that your mom was worried about what my parents would think, I started thinking about their arrival. I guess I decided that I wanted to hit them with the whole thing, not just the pink bikini. Either they were going to freak out, or they would accept it.
"They not only accepted it, they loved it. I had just been so depressed and dreary-looking that whole year, they couldn't have been happier to see me looking happy and confident for a change."
Okay, all of that made sense. But...why with that change anything between us?
Marilyn was looking out at the lake. She knew the next part was going to be the hard part.
"The thing is," she said, "even before this morning, I knew I had a lot to figure out about myself, about who I was, and who I wanted to be. The other night, when I came to your room, I wasn't waiting for you to teach me anything. I took over, and I let myself go. It wasn't about being nice, or even being with you, it was just about sex -- primal sex. I wanted to see how letting that part of me take over felt.
"I loved it, the more intense the better. I was feeling ready for anything. I felt like I could have gang-banged a whole troop of Hell's Angels.
"Afterwards, I couldn't quite believe where my head had been. I wasn't upset, but it was something I needed to process.
"I could tell you were freaked out. Neither of us really had anything to say, did we?"
* * *
I had been freaked out that night, but what she had just said was freaking me out even more. A whole troop of Hell's Angels? Jesus. I mean before this, things were clear, except for my wondering whether I was going to want to keep this going when we got to State. I was the one in charge of everything.
Marilyn was looking at me, watching to see my reaction to what she just said. I was hoping she wouldn't see how totally bummed I was feeling.
She continued, "You helped me get past Billy for the first time. And you gave me a chance to learn about sex in the very best way, with someone who cared about me.
"But I had so many doubts. What did I really want?
"I didn't want to be your 'convenient' cousin. I didn't want to be your 'down to fuck' relative. And maybe not even your 'hot' cousin. I think I wanted to be your gorgeous cousin -- the glamorous one who would normally be out of your league. I wanted you to be excited about me, and not just about the sex. Maybe in awe of me.
"Ever since junior high, I've been working to not look hot, not look gorgeous. I never looked anywhere near as good as I should have.
"So much has changed for me so fast this week, I need to think about who and what I want to be. I know I can be so much more than I have been in years, but it's strange being in charge of myself this way.
"Remember when you talked about our being at State together and how you would be there for me? That sounded really nice, something to hold onto. But now, I don't think I want to have anyone advising me in any way. I know I made a huge mistake with Billy, and it took a very long time to get past that. But now, I have gotten past it. Maybe I'll make more mistakes, everyone does, but they'll be my own mistakes and it will be my job to deal with them, not anyone else's.
"Look, what I did with you was not a mistake. Not at all. It was perfect, and you were perfect. But now, when I go to State this fall, I have to take full responsibility for myself. I spent all those years, playing it 'safe,' and I missed out on pretty much everything I could have been done. So I have a lot of thinking to do."
She was right. My heart sank. I hadn't expected any of this. And I certainly hadn't expected how hard this would hit me. I mean, when my high school girlfriend, Abbie, the one with the perky tits and the totally cute ass, left for the summer and wasn't going to be coming back, I was sad about that. But I knew I would be at State in the fall and there would be plenty of other girls. But now, with Marilyn, I wasn't sure what was going on with me. I mean, a quick summer fling with a cousin? Wasn't that just a nice prelude to starting State with all those hot co-eds? That's how it should feel, right?
So why was I feeling so bummed out?
The thing is, I understood everything she was saying. Really I did. I knew she was right about everything she said. But however nice it sounds to "understand," most of the time it just sucks.
* * *
Things got a bit awkward after that. No more nighttime visits. Not even a feeling of closeness. I was bummed out, and even though Marilyn was clear on her choice, and I understood why, it wasn't fun having her dump me out of the blue that way.
It wasn't that we wouldn't talk to each other, we would, but we wouldn't have any real conversations between us. It was more like, "Can you bring out more hamburgers, Ricky?"
I don't know if everyone else noticed the change, although I'm not sure how they could miss it.
Anyway, a few days later, after dinner, Marilyn and I ended up sitting on a bench together, not next to each other, but sitting on the same bench. Not really meaning to, I found myself just looking over at her and kind of staring at her profile. After a little while, she turned and looked at me and said, "What are you looking at, Ricky?"
I wasn't sure whether she was irritated, or possibly just asking. Since I couldn't figure out a "best" answer, I just said, "You were right. You are gorgeous."
She looked at me. "Are you just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear?"
"No. Why would I do that?" I said. "You would see right through that, and anyway, I'm not like that. I was just observing, and maybe thinking about things."
"Thinking about things? What things?"
"I guess just thinking about how much everything has changed. How wrong I was, how much I missed. All I knew was about your situation with Billy and how much you had lost because of it. I didn't see how strong you really were. I'm not sure you did either, at least at that point.
"I used to think I needed to look out for you, to help take care of you. I misjudged everything. You are out of my league. And that's okay. I'm glad you found that. Whatever you may have been thinking, I'm happy for you."
"Thank you, Ricky. That means a lot to me. I really appreciate it. I just want you to know I never meant to hurt you in any way. And I'm still grateful to you for everything you did for me."
She got up from the bench and walked back into the house. I just sat there, just trying not to feel even sorrier for myself than I was already feeling.
* * *
I sat there on the bench for a long time. Everyone else had gone inside, and I heard the adults telling the kids it was time for bed.
After a while, the adults came back downstairs and sat around in the living room having drinks and talking. I wasn't sure where Marilyn was, but I wasn't ready to go inside and talk to anyone.
Eventually, it got late enough and I decided to go in and head up to bed. I said good night to the adults and went up the stairs trying not to make noise and wake any of the kids.
I stopped up in the bathroom to brush my teeth and pee, then headed into the bedroom and put on a pair of gym shorts and a T-shirt and got into bed. As usual, I left one of my shades up a bit so I could see the moon. I was still feeling depressed, but I reminded myself there was nothing to be done about it, so I should just try to fall asleep.
Just as I was finally starting to drift off, I heard a soft knock at my door. The door opened and Marilyn came in in her nightshirt. "Billy, are you awake?"
I sat up in bed. "Yeah, I'm awake. I didn't realize you had come upstairs. I didn't see you when I was coming in."
"I came upstairs when the kids were sent upstairs to go to bed. I've been up here for quite a while." She sat down on the side of the bed.
"So, what's up?" I asked after a moment.
"I've just been thinking. Thinking about a lot of things, I guess thinking about everything. Thinking about you. The thing is, I miss you. I miss you a lot.
"You know, when I got my hair done, I ended up spending a lot of time talking to the woman who did my hair. I was her first appointment in the morning there wasn't anyone else waiting. And she was telling me about how I was missing the boat, that I didn't realize how beautiful I could be. That I had been sabotaging myself all along. Like I would shampoo my hair and everything, but I never really thought about paying attention beyond making sure my hair was clean. And the same thing with my clothes. I wasn't doing what any other girl in my situation would be doing, and would be taking for granted.
"I told her I was going to be starting college in the fall, and she told me that I really needed to change the way I thought about myself. And that if I did that, I would have guys falling all over me at school. All of this was such a change from the way I'd always seen myself, or at least had seen myself since junior high. I guess I just had this feeling that I had missed out on so much in high school, that I didn't want to waste college the same way. I wanted to be the kind of girl she told me I could be. I wanted that experience.
"You had done so much for me, but you just knew the old me. That's why you felt you needed to take care of me. I wanted to get away from that. I wanted to be like a snake shedding its old, ugly skin.
"But tonight, when you told me how gorgeous I was, I knew you meant it. I knew you had given up somehow, mainly because of all the things I had said. So you weren't saying that to try to get me back.
"I already knew I missed you, but now, when I thought about what I was looking for, I wanted someone who didn't relate to me as the old me, but saw me as something completely different -- a whole different person to relate to in a whole different way.
"I already knew how handsome you were, and how kind and decent you were. And of course, I remembered how it felt being in bed with you. That's never going to go away. But it was only tonight I saw that maybe you were the person I wanted to find.
"Anyway, I guess I'm still thinking all of this through, but I wanted to come over and tell you something: I love you, Ricky.
"We can talk some more tomorrow. Good night." She leaned over and kissed me on the lips. Then she got up and went back to her room.
I would've loved to have her stick around, and for us to do a lot more, but just that made a world of difference. I didn't necessarily know what lay ahead, but I felt much more at peace.
* * *
The next morning, I woke up early. The sun was just starting to come up, and on my part, the gloom of the past few days had lifted. For a change, I was eager to get up and get outside.
I put on shorts and a T-shirt and flops and headed quietly downstairs. I was the only one up so far. I headed out to the porch, and then went outside to enjoy the sunrise. I sat on the bench which had been the starting point for that disastrous discussion only a few days ago. Only now, I felt relaxed and at peace, a feeling reinforced by the warmth of the sunrise on my face.
After about 15 minutes, I heard the door open and saw Marilyn come out. She came over to the bench and sat down next to me. We sat there silently for a few minutes, just watching the reflection of the sunrise on the lake.
Finally, Marilyn said, "Ricky, I want you to know I meant what I said last night. The thing is, I don't know exactly what that means, or at least what that means for us. I hate the idea that I might be messing with your head. I know you never wanted to mess with mine."
I sat for a moment, thinking. I realized I was still feeling at peace. "Marilyn, all those things you told me the other day about the changes you were going through and trying to figure out who and what you wanted to be next, they all made sense. I would feel exactly the same way. And I would be wary of anything that might hold me back.
"The truth is, before you got your haircut and the new clothes, I had been wondering the same sort of thing. Was what was happening between you and me just an easy accident, too convenient to pass up? I mean there I was, getting ready to go to State, with more hot girls than I had ever been around in my life -- was I going to just miss out on that because of my cousin? It should have been a no-brainer, but it wasn't. There was something between us that I knew I wasn't going to be able to find anywhere else. The truth is, there wasn't any perfect answer.
"And then, you came up with the same idea, and I totally freaked out. None of this answers any questions, does it? So I understand exactly what you're saying."
Marilyn put her arm around my shoulder and hugged me, and held me that way for a while. "Thank you, Ricky. Thank you for that."
There was a sound inside the house of a door opening and then the sound of voices in the kitchen.
"Sounds like somebody's up in getting started making breakfast," Marilyn said. "Maybe we should go in and give them a hand." She turned her head towards me and gave me a quick kiss on the lips and then got up and went back into the house.I sat there a while longer, wondering about pretty much everything.
* * *
That evening, after dinner, Marilyn and I ended up sitting out on the bench once again. The dishes had been cleaned up, and our parents were busy with the younger kids.
Marilyn sitting next to me again, only this time she was sitting right next to me, right up against me. It felt good having her there. She reached for my hand, and we sat there holding hands and looking out at the lake in the fading light.
After a while the parents came downstairs from getting the kids to bed. They settled in on the sofas in the living room and my dad brought out drinks for everyone.
Marilyn and I were in no hurry. Finally, Marilyn said, "It's probably time to go in and head upstairs. It might be best you went up first. I can spend a little time talking to our folks. Probably not a good idea for us to seem too together."
I went in and said good night to everyone and headed upstairs. Marilyn came into the living room a minute or two later and sat down to talk with all the parents.
I went up the stairs as quietly as possible and hit the bathroom and then went into my room and changed into my night shorts and T-shirt.
I still hadn't heard Marilyn coming upstairs, and I wasn't sure if she was wanting me to wait in the hallway to say good night or if that was pushing things.
I decided to just get into bed and turn out the light. The moon was up by now, so it wasn't pitch black and I enjoyed being able to see the night sky through the gap left by the partially open window shade.
I decided that maybe Marilyn had just gotten really involved in the discussion downstairs and wouldn't be up for a while, so I let myself start falling asleep.
Then I heard a soft knock and saw the door open and close. Marilyn had come up and gotten changed without my even hearing her. She was wearing her long T-shirt style nightshirt.
"Ricky, are you awake?" she whispered.
"Yeah, I'm awake. I didn't hear you come up." I sat up in bed.
"I guess I just wanted a little more 'us' time, if that's okay. Can I get in beside you?"
I scooted over in bed to make room for her. She hopped into bed beside me, sitting up against me.
I loved feeling her beside me that way. At the same time, given everything that had been happening, it felt a little bit risky. I didn't want to do anything that would end up messing things up again.
"Our parents enjoyed having me there talking with them," Marilyn said, keeping her voice low. "My parents were saying how happy they were about all the changes in me, and how grateful they were that the vacation had done so much for me. Needless to say, I didn't offer any additional explanation."
We sat there a while longer, both acutely aware of where we were right now. I could feel the heat from her body against mine, which was giving rise to way too many complicated feelings on my part. We weren't saying anything. I think we were both wondering what next?
I looked over at Marilyn. She was looking straight ahead, not at me. I began looking down at her body and found myself staring at her breasts. Obviously, she wasn't wearing a bra at this point, and I had so many memories of kissing her breasts and playing with them.
It was probably the worst idea I could come up with, but I found myself leaning forward to kiss her breasts through the nightshirt.
Marilyn was doing nothing to stop me, but she said, "If you start kissing my breasts, and sucking on my nipples, I'm not going to be able to hold out. Do you really want that?"
She was right, and I knew it. We both knew what was at stake.
I paused for a second to let her know I had heard her, then I leaned down and began kissing her breasts and sucking on her nipples.
Her nipples were already hard, so I wasn't the only one who had been thinking about this.
* * *
Marilyn's body was already responding. "Ricky, yes, that feels so good. I love it."
I began running my tongue around over her hard nipples, frustrated that they were still separated from me by the fabric of her nightshirt.
After another moment or two, she stopped me. "We probably shouldn't be doing this, but what the hell," she said. "Hang on a second." She raised her hips up and pulled off her nightshirt and tossed it on the floor. "Okay, go ahead. And yes, I want this too. At least as much as you. You should probably get naked too. I didn't wear any panties. I had a feeling something might happen."
This time, she lay down on the bed while I quickly got rid of my own clothes.
There she was, lying naked beside me in my bed, waiting for me. After all this time worrying and feeling depressed, I had exactly what I wanted. Right? Could I figure out a way to mess this up too?
I wanted to continue, but right now I couldn't just go ahead. What was happening had become serious for both of us.
"There's something I need to say first," I said. "You probably already know it, but I have to say it to you. Maybe warn you? Like that label they put on packs of cigarettes? I'm not sure. Marilyn, I love you. At first, I didn't know what was going on with us or how I felt, but I've known for a while now, even when I was trying to fight it.
"The thing is, I don't just mean I love you. I mean I'm in love with you. I know how dangerous that is, and I couldn't go ahead right now without telling you."
Marilyn lay there, not saying anything. I had known I was taking a risk by telling her, now I wondered if I had screwed everything up again.
After a painfully long wait, Marilyn sat up. She looked at me carefully, as if checking my face to be sure of what she saw there. Then she said, "You noticed the difference, Ricky. When I told you I loved you, I was still avoiding the real question.
"I was missing you, and I was missing the connection we had. But I had so many doubts, I was so confused about who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought maybe I could have it both ways. But you're not that kind of person. It does scare me, I guess.
"And of course, you're my cousin, so none of this should have happened at all. And that is a complication, even if we want to pretend it isn't.
"Ricky, I love you, and I am in love with you. You just have to realize that neither of us knows what that means for the future. If you can accept that, I would love for us to make love right now."
We leaned towards each other and began a long, slow passionate kiss, the first true kiss we had ever shared.
* * *
We kissed for a long time. Then I began kissing my way down her body, all over her face, around her neck, on her chest, and then kissing her breasts and sucking on her nipples and burying my face between her breasts. Normally I would've been looking to turn around as much and as fast as possible, but right now I just wanted to kiss her all over, to appreciate her and to appreciate how gorgeous she was. Like an artist painting a model, I wanted to sense everything and bring together her beauty.
I kept kissing my way down, around her stomach and down to her bush, and rubbed my face in her bush and kissed it. Then I moved down to her mound and kissed all around it and kissed my way down her lips and back up again. But instead of focusing there, I began kissing my way out along her inner thigh on one leg, kissing all around, and then kissing my way back and moving over to the other thigh and kissing it all over.
Finally I made my way back to her pussy and began kissing her mound and sucking my way down on her outer lips, and then coming back up with my tongue between her lips to taste her and feel all of her. I kept moving up and down and when I got to the bottom, I stuck my tongue inside her as far as I could reach and then licked her and played with her.
I could feel her hips pushing against my face as I made my way up again. By now, her clit was sticking out, waiting for me, and I began to suck on it.
"Oh God, Ricky, that's so beautiful! I love it when you suck on me that way!"
I was almost ready to put my cock in her when she sat up again and leaned forward and took my cock in her hand. She kissed around the top and then quickly took it in her mouth and began sucking on me. She wasn't sucking on me frantically, just slowly, as if wanted to feel me the same way I had wanted to feel her.
By now I was lying on my back, and she got up over me and straddled me and began rubbing the end of my cock up and down against her pussy, letting me feel how wet she was. Then she and my cock inside her and lowered herself onto me. She sat there for a moment, letting both of us just feel ourselves together. Then she began slowly fucking me, first leaning back, letting me see my cock going in and out of her, and then coming forward and letting her breasts fall into my face.
I began sucking on her nipples while she kept on fucking me. We were still both moving slowly, wanting to appreciate this opportunity to make love together, to really feel the connection between us.
After a while of this, I was ready to go to the next level. I rolled us over so I was on top. I began fucking faster and harder, and I felt her joining in, pumping up against me with every thrust. "Yes, Ricky, that's it! Fuck me hard! I want to feel you coming inside me! I want to feel you shooting everything!"
I felt my muscles beginning to tighten, and I began coming. I was shooting everything for her, and she was coming as hard as I was. We were both holding each other tight, thrusting our bodies against each other as we came. Even when I was drained, I kept trying to pump more.
Afterwards, I fell forward and then rolled beside her and we lay there holding hands. Then we turned our bodies to face each other and hugging each other.
"Ricky, that was so beautiful. I love you."
"I love you too, Marilyn. This was so perfect."
We lay there a while longer. I listened to see if there was any noise from the kids in the room below us, but fortunately everything was quiet.
Marilyn got up and, walking as quietly she could, found her nightshirt and put it back on. She turned back and leaned over and kissed me on the lips. "Good night, my love. I better get back to my room now, but I'll see you in the morning."
* * *
I was in an amazing mood the next morning. Everyone in the family seemed to be delighted with the prospect of another beautiful day.
Halfway through breakfast, however, a thought hit me. Had I sent in my application for a dorm room at State for the fall? Being up here, I really hadn't been paying much attention to email. I pulled out my phone and checked, and there was a two-week-old email from the school about last chance to sign up for dorm space. I checked the mail, and I had missed the deadline. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid, and wondered what I would do. State was too far away to commute from home, and that certainly wasn't something I would want to do anyway.
I realized I needed to deal with this right away. I had brought my laptop, but unfortunately, the owners of Tally House had not installed any kind of high-speed Internet connection. Most of the people who came to vacation in this area were in no hurry to be connected. They were looking forward to the chance to get away from work and anything associated with it.
As soon as breakfast was over, I told my parents I needed to head into town on an errand. I went up to my room and got my laptop and came back down.
Marilyn saw me with the laptop and asked if I wanted her to go along. Could she be of any help? I told her it would be faster for me to do this on my own, and why didn't she just enjoy hanging with the kids until I got back.
Fortunately, there was a Starbucks in town with Internet. I went in and got a large coffee and settled in. I had definitely missed the deadline. I could sign up on the waiting list, but that would leave me in limbo until the semester began, and I didn't want that. Fortunately, there were quite a few houses in town that rented rooms to students, so I began checking them out.
At first it was a long list of already rented dead ends. I had to go up and buy a glass of orange juice and some pound cake just to keep the staff from getting pissed at how long I was sitting there on just a cup of coffee. I wasn't finding anything that looked good until I finally spotted a big house that had seven rooms for students. Six of the rooms were already rented. They were all inside the main part of the house, and I had a feeling that maybe these were six guys who wanted to be able to party together. There was one other room, but it was in the back with a separate entrance. It had its own bathroom with shower and a mini fridge and a hot plate. It was a bit of a walk from campus, but still very much in a student area.
I thought maybe I could end up hanging out with some of the guys in the main part of the house, but in any case, this room was available and it had a lot more privacy than I ever would've gotten in one of the dorms. It would cost a little more than a dorm room on campus, but given that I had missed the sign-up deadline, and how excited they were about me heading to college, I figured my folks would be okay with that. Hell, I would be happy to take a part-time job to get a set-up like this. I immediately called and gave them my credit card number to reserve the room.
Then I went out and got back into my car and drove home, eager to tell Marilyn about my find.
When I got home, I went to the rear door and waved to let everyone know I was back. Marilyn saw me and came over from the dock to see how my search had gone.
I told her about how few places were available by now, but that I had managed to find a room at the rear of the house that offered complete privacy. I happily described the setup.
"That's great, Ricky," Marilyn said. "If I came over, I could spend the whole night and we could wake up together. We wouldn't have to whisper or worry about how much noise we made."
Even though she was congratulating me, I found myself disconcerted. She was right about how nice it would be for us to be together in a private room, away from family, free to wake up beside each other in the morning. But there was something "iffy" about the way she said it. Actually, there always seemed to be something "iffy" going on, like when she said that I had to "accept that neither of us knows what our being in love means for the future."
I wasn't ready to confront her about any of that, not right now. Instead, I headed back upstairs to my room with my laptop to get changed.
* * *
When I got up to my room, I decided to quickly check my email again, since it had all been downloaded at Starbucks and I had only been looking for the email from State about dorm rooms. I spotted an email from Abbie that she had sent about a week ago. She wrote that she would be coming home for a few days after all and would love to get together with me.
I thought about Abbie and our time together. I thought about how much fun being with her always was. No stress, no hassles, no drama, no complications. Just enthusiastic sex and good times.
Right now, that was sounding awfully good to me.
Marilyn wasn't some cute and perky co-ed, she was complex and evolving. The sex was not only great, but also...profound? She was a work in progress, and even she did not know what the endpoint would be. What hope was there for me to keep up with the changes? Or even to stay relevant for her?
With Marilyn, things were always intense, but also exhausting.
And, of course, we were cousins, which would be a highly inconvenient fact that we would have to hide from everyone we knew -- and even that wouldn't be enough to cover all the bases. Think about what would happen when any of our parents visited and they ran into any of our friends who thought of us as a couple.
I wanted Marilyn more, but how much could I take?
The thing was, the more I thought about it, I couldn't tell if I was in love with Marilyn, or in awe of her. In the beginning, she was broken. She looked to me for support and guidance. I felt sympathy for her, even though I was wary of her becoming too dependent on me. But now? I was amazed at her beauty and her strength and her overwhelming sexuality. In pretty much everything, she was out of my league.
Plus, I had given her the power to fuck with my head. Did I really want that?
Abbie would give me a break from overthinking. A nice vacation before starting college with all those hot and eager co-eds everywhere.
As for Marilyn, being with me wouldn't resolve her issues. She had all those years of stunted growth to overcome, and I couldn't solve that. Not even by loving her. She couldn't grow being with me. She needed freedom, even to make more mistakes.
And being with her couldn't resolve the feeling of missing out I would have walking around the campus with all those beautiful girls, and knowing I was...taken? That I would never really experience the freedom and fun of college life?
* * *
I put on my swimsuit and a T-shirt and flops. I was still thinking about what to do about this whole situation. If I simply told Marilyn about Abbie and her email, that would put an end to what Marilyn and I were doing for the rest of the summer. I didn't want that, especially since Marilyn would not only call it off, but go back into Ice Queen mode, which would get in the way of everybody's good time.
Maybe if I suggested that we enjoy our summer together, and that at State, we at least consider taking a break. That she needs the freedom to experience her new self, and I shouldn't get in her way.
Something like that? Maybe that would work? Damn.
Look, I don't want to pretend that giving up Marilyn would be easy for me. Not at all. It would probably drive me crazy. Of course, being with her isn't all that easy either, at least a lot of the time. And giving me up wouldn't be easy for her either, even though she knows she wants -- and needs -- her freedom.
On the other hand, seeing Abbie again might help ease me over the initial rough spots. And since Marilyn and her family don't live anywhere near us, there wouldn't be any risk of awkward encounters.