Let me make this clear
Whenever I want to die it's when I want my own thoughts to stop degrading me to the point I'm crying. I want the feeling of numbing emptiness to go away because it's scary and I cannot face it when I'm already drowning myself in my own mind. As it escalates to the point of not being able to breathe.
I don't want to die I just want those feelings to go away, I want to stop thinking, I want to stop feeling like a coward. Like I hate everyone, everything, myself. I want it all to stop and go away. I can't think " it's gonna be over soon so just hang in there"
And it makes it worse when someone try's to distract or comfort me because I also hate that I am showing this side to anyone around me.
It becomes hard to think like you are stuck on a high building and fire is closing in. I feel like danger is coming closer and I cannot perceive that it's just my thoughts. To me it's real everything I think or say is in desperation and when fire closes in, unless you want to get burned alive the easiest option is to let go and jump. It's scary to even think about either option. But in desperation what would you do?