I was recently asked a question on why I hate myself?
The simple answer is i don't know.
I originally for many years never considered myself to be humane because I felt my emotions were too raw and barbaric, I also thought and every once in a while still think that I'm angry at myself for being dumb and unable to properly do things like get up or motivate myself to do something when I need to.
I definitely used to hate myself because I thought I was a monster, because for me a monster was something that would bring destruction and misery to everyone and everything around it and slowly destroy itself, someone who would only feel sane sometimes and was simply broken and useless to itself and others. I used to hate myself for being a waste of space on this planet and I hated that I was alive and not dead.
I get angry and hate myself for even thinking about being mean to others or wanting to destroy an object next to me. If I actually do destroy or break something it feels as if whatever is broken is me. And it gives my mind (unrealistic and unreasonable) justification to kill myself for giving in to the "broken self that I am"
I hate myself for all the things wrong I did in the past. I hate that I cannot fake smiling or fake being happy when I feel sad.
I guess I hate myself for being me.
I never expected myself to be normal, or to be perfect.
But hating myself is a constant in my life. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember. It's only in the past few years that I have stopped having a constant negative mindset even when I was happy I used to criticize what I did, it's only recently that I started to trust and completely open up by how I feel. Even if I have trouble exposing how it feels. It feels better whenever I write in here after something happens. I guess this is a confirmation to myself that "I'm here! I decided to live again! I'm breathing! I'm alive."
But I don't know why I currently hate myself when I'm sad. Or mad. But luckily I no longer hate myself when I'm calm or happy or just tired because of lack of sleep. So I guess that's a cause for celebration!!!