It took Silas a few minutes to realize he had almost died. Preoccupied with the appearance of Wicke, Silas remained in a state of shock for a while until he was suddenly struck with the knowledge that Julia had saved his life while he was sitting alone on the hill by the waterfall.
Not a moment after he recalled how utterly useless he had been.
What did he think he could do? Throw dust at the bristleback's face? He should be dead right now. Rotting, decaying, burnt to ashes. If Julia hadn't put her own life on the line, he'd be gone.
The concept of dying scared Silas just as much as being alone. Death was failure. If you were useless, you'd die. He didn't know where he got that idea from, but his screaming heart told him so. He pulled at the grass under him, ripping it from his stems and feeling its fragility in his hands. He was weak. He was nothing more than a burden. If they realized it, the others should ditch him immediately.
But Julia had gambled it all for someone she barely knew. She even said earlier that she didn't know what her magic was. She hadn't even practiced. She'd been looking up at the stars with Jasper. Looking up at the stars! And what had Silas been doing? Practicing, experimenting, alone, isolated for hours, and what had he accomplished? Had he had some sort of epiphany, like Julia, who apparently just realized that she could create barriers? No. He'd been shoving pebbles into waterfalls like an idiot.
Silas tried to get to his feet, only to find his legs were shaking. His hands reached out to steady his body, but they were shaking too. It was almost as if the air was too heavy to bear. He collapsed back down again on his side, his legs suddenly locking up.
His world was instantly pitched into a churning sea of darkness. Inexplicable images began to leap at his brain, attacking his imagination. They were confusing images that Silas could feel, but not see. Images like being chased down a dark and claustrophobic tunnel. Pictures of bloodshed, people he loved but didn't remember bleeding out, screaming, yelling, each one climbing over the other in a rising cacophony of suffering. He remembered the feeling of a familiar face, smiling grimly, a bloodied dagger by her side. He remembered what it was like to be destroyed.
He knew what it was like to almost die. It had happened before.
He'd always housed fear inside him. It pinched at his sides whenever he spoke or encountered something new. It was always there. It overrode all other emotions, driving his decisions from the corner of his mind. Now he knew why. He was afraid. He was afraid of feeling this.
Like a thousand singing blades pain sliced through every fiber of his body, crisscrossing his veins and cutting them like wires. His blood shattered. His heart punctured and deflated. His stomach sizzled and caught on fire. He was going to die. He didn't want to die, he didn't want to die. He just wanted to be strong, be brave, be alive, be loved, but the pain was too much. Even without the memories, the feelings still remained deep inside them, and they were rearing their ugly heads. He could feel their teeth penetrating his skull-
"Silas?"
Saya's concerned voice broke through the darkness like an alarm clock at the crack of dawn. Silas snapped out of his trance, suddenly remembering he had to breathe. He coughed, gasping for air. It told him he was alive. His whole body was vibrating, but he was alive.
"Are you hurt? We should get you to Jasper."
Say yes, Silas' conscious screamed. Every bone is his body willed his mouth to say yes. A chorus of chants welled up in his mind. Say yes!
"No," Silas said, plucking at the grass behind him and staring at his muddied shoes. He pressed his knees against his chin. It didn't help the shivering. "I'm fine."
"I really think-"
"Why are you here?" Silas interrupted. Don't show weakness. She'll think you're useless.
"Well, honestly? I don't like sitting with the group. It's like polluted air, I suppose. It doesn't feel safe. So I decided to take a breath of fresh air and check up on how you're doing. You know, you've been going off on your own ever since we came here, and it's starting to make some people suspicious. Or in my case, worried."
"Is that it?" Silas deadpanned, anger and frustration seeping out of himself and focusing on Saya instead of himself.
"Well, yeah. What did you expect?" Saya asked.
"We almost died to that thing. And you're worried about a breath of fresh air? What about Wicke? Shouldn't you be staying with her? Shouldn't you be less relaxed right now? Shouldn't you be taking things more seriously? Unless…" Silas pointed an accusatory finger at her, his lip trembling. "You're not here to get rid of me, are you?"
Saya laughed. It wasn't malicious, but innocent, as if she found the situation so ridiculous there was no other option than but to laugh.
"What are you talking about?" she asked. "You're like, the only person I can trust in this group. Why would I want to throw you out? That's just insane. Where did you get that idea?"
"Don't laugh at me," Silas growled, changing to a pathetic whimper halfway through, which only irked him more.
"I'm sorry," Saya apologized quickly, her face growing serious. Saya's serious face was surprisingly… serious. She dropped all hints of amusement in a flash. "Listen, I know that almost dying had an impact on you. To me, you're glowing dark grey. I can almost feel your pain, it's that strong. And I could smell it from back at the camp site. If we're going to be a group, we're going to have to stick up for each other. Just like Julia did when she protected you. And look, you may have almost died, but you also got lucky enough to get your life saved!"
"Go away," Silas whispered. He knew it was pathetic. It was basically begging. It was embarrassing how Silas clung to his stupid pride, but he couldn't let it go, because that would be just as asinine.
"No."
"Go away!" Silas grabbed Saya's shoulders and thrust his face into hers. Bad move – she could see his tears now – but he wasn't thinking. "I don't want to talk right now."
Saya said nothing, her gaze softening. She silently sat down next to Silas and put and arm around his shoulder. He tried to push her away but was shaking too hard to do so.
"We won't talk, then, I suppose." Saya said. She looked at the nighttime sky. The stars were beautiful. If only Silas could see them.
Silas became aware of Saya's breathing. It was cool and crisp like a pristine lake. It was perfectly measured and symmetrical. Silas found himself focusing on it. The rhythm beat like a drum, and he found his breathing began to synchronize with it. He shuddered as if he were walking into a warm tavern from a cold and dreary outside. The pain and fear began to melt from his body, going as suddenly as it came. Perhaps it had been Saya's breathing, or perhaps it was just the panic attack's time to end.
"Thanks," Silas said, chewing his lip. His cheeks were still flushed with embarrassment. He now knew he had a problem on his hands. He needed to control himself – in tense situations he was utterly helpless. His mind just ceased to work. Silas planned meticulously to make sure things went his way, and when they didn't, he broke down. Straightening out his rumpled shirt, he suddenly began to walk briskly back to the campsite. His arms swung rapidly by his sides, as if he didn't want to stay a moment longer. He didn't look back at Saya as she began to smile bittersweetly.
When Silas arrived at the campsite he was greeted with several concerned faces. The conversations around the campfire had grown tense. Silas heard lowered voices dripping with fear that quickly stopped as soon as he neared. The light from the campfire colored in his silhouette as he came into view.
"Silas, you're back," Rekka said, with a hint of both sorrow and relief. "You're not going to like what I have to tell you."