About half an hour later, after Sophie finished her milk, I decide to join Jennifer to go inside the bedroom.
Just a step from the door, my steps are halted. A split second before Jennifer turns her body away from me, my sight captured tears on her face.
Only a couple of seconds later I manage to move again. Slowly and barely make a noise, I approach the bed. Sophie is moving a little when I put her on the center of the bed.
"I'm going to sleep on the couch," I say to Jennifer. Having, once again, no response from her, I continue my words, "Just call me when you need anything."
My legs have stepped few steps to leave the bed when I hear Jennifer's voice, "How can you don't seem to regret it at all ?"
"Who said I don't regret it ?" I ask as turning my body to Jennifer.
Jennifer also turns her face toward me. "So, you regret it ?"
"Of course I do, Baby.."
"Good.." Jennifer says.
I approach Jennifer and sit on the cornier of the bed. "Baby.. I am really really sorry.." I say, trying to hide my tears. "I'm sorry you have to be like this. I'm sorry.. I... I shouldn't ... If only.. I didn't listen to my instinct and move my head.. you wouldn't... you wouldn't..."
"You think that's what I want you to regret about ?!?!" Jennifer cuts me with a slightly high voice.
I am dumbfounded. To be honest, that is the only guilty I have toward Jennifer.
Seeing me can not say a word, Jennifer scoffs. "What you should regret about is your decision to ever have the agreement with your mother again. You should regret that you had killed someone.. again.."
"Jen.. I had to do it !"
"After you promised me not to kill anyone any.. "
"I HAD TO, DAMN IT !!" I stand in reflect. "I told you.. I HAD TO.. that's the only way I can SAFE YOU !!"
Sophie starts to whimper then crying. I guess my loud voice awakens her. Jennifer wakes her upper body to a sit down position and carries Sophie to calm her down. Meanwhile, I sit back on the corner of the bed.
"Listen to me, Jen.." I hiss, try to bury my emotion. "I would do anything to safe you.."
"NO !!" Jennifer cuts me with high voice. Sophie is crying again. For the second time, our attentions are withdrew to calm her again.
After Sophie is calming down again, Jennifer stares at me with cold sight al though tears keep falling down from her eyes. "You should just bring me home and let me die"
"That's NON SENSE !!" My emotion is bursting out again to hear her words. "There's no way I will let you die !!"
"You know I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED with that organization !!"
"But I WON'T LET YOU DIE !!" I grab her shoulders and shaking them to emphasize my words.
"If you could turn back the time, promise me.."
"I WILL DO THE SAME !!"
"NO !! PROMISE ME !!"
"I WOULD CHANGE NOTHING !!"
"NO !!!"
"DAMN IT !! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, JEN !!"
"NO !! YOU HAVE... YOU... YOU..."
Suddenly Jennifer releases her hold off from Sophie and grabs her left chest instead. In that instance I know she has the attack again.
"No... No... NO !! JEN !!!" I yell in panic. "Hang on, Baby... Hang on !!"
My arms immediately scoop Jennifer. I carry both Jennifer and Sophie who is still laying on Jennifer chest and go out of the house.
I then run like crazy toward the only hospital I know, St. Virgin Mary hospital. It is about 10 kilometers away from our house. Fortunately, I still remember to turn my brain into fighter jet mode. Less than 30 seconds of human time, we have already arrived at the E.R.
"Help !! Please help !!" I shout to anyone near me while still carrying Jennifer and the now crying ever so loudly Sophie.
A paramedic approaches me. "What's going.."
"Please help.. my wife is having a heart attack," I tell him even before he finishes his sentence.
Knowing the condition, the paramedic immediately guides me to enter the E.R room and tells me to put Jennifer onto one of the empty bed there.
"We have a heart attack here! Please call doctor ..." the paramedic gives order to his mates. He then takes Sophie from Jennifer's chest and gives her to me. "You must go outside, Sir. We will take care of her from here."
I lifelessly obey him, standing blankly in front of the now closed door, while Sophie is still crying on my hand.
----------
After another dramatic moment in my life, barely have energy left in my body I can only sit on a stool next to Jennifer's bed. The paramedics at E.R. was able to control Jennifer's condition about an hour ago. After made sure she is stable, they let her rest in observation room to wait for her observation result. I let one of the nurse to bring Sophie into the nursery room to be taken care of.
I kiss the back of her palm and stroke her hair gently. "I'm sorry, Baby.." For an umpteenth times I murmur my apology. Covered with regret, my mind can not think a thing. I should never let my emotion out. I should just bare her anger to me.
I knew she is still fragile. I knew she needs to have heart transplantation soon. I have planned to take her to a cardiologist tomorrow, after she has a good rest. I have never thought she would have another episode this early.
Noticing Jennifer makes a move, my eyes immediately shift toward her face. They arrive exactly when she opens her eyes.
"Hi, Baby.. are you feeling better ?" I greet and ask her at the same sentece.
Jennifer nods weakly.
"Please don't leave me," I whisper to her as my lips kiss her forehead. My voice is trembling to hold my cry.
Jennifer catches my cheeks with both of her hands and brings it until our eyes meet. "Promise me you won't have any involvement with that organization again," she whispers.
"Baby, please.."
"Promise me, Baby.." She urges. Her tears are already falling down on her cheeks.
I wipe her tears, ignoring my own tears. "I promise," I whisper back.
"No matter what."
I sigh. I try to moves my sight away from hers, but she doesn't allow it. "Babe.. ?"
I stare deeply into her eyes, trying to protest. But as you know, my weakness is her pleading tears. "Okay," I finally give up.
"Okay what ?"
I sigh heavily. "I won't have anything with the organization."
Jennifer smiles.
"But..," I quickly add, "Promise me you will fight to life. Promise me.." I shed a tear that is about to fall. "Promise me.. you won't leave me and Sophie alone."
Jennifer nods her head a couple of times. "I promise," she whispers.
I kiss her lips softly to seal our agreement to end our fight.