The tiny baby is sleeping soundly inside a transparent box. Her eyes are closed and her thin lips are also closed, almost making a thin smile. Her regular and normal breathing is noticeable by the regular phase sound of beeps from the machine. Her still red skin is now fully covered by tiny clothe and blanket. to insure giving her the warmth she needs.
With my thumb, I stoke her ever so soft and fragile back of hand. I try to be as gentle as possible doing it, yet my gesture still disturb her peacefulness. Her five fingers that hang on my index finger are moving, tighten their grab to it a little. I jus froze. I even hold my breath, afraid that it breeze might disturb her more. She moves her lips like about to grumble to me for disturbing her sleep. Then, she turns her head a little, decides to continue her sleep.
I exhale silently. Afraid to disturb her again, I finally just putting my gaze onto her sleeping face, admiring this tiny miracle I just had. Less than half hour ago, she was still in her mommy's belly. And now, she is here. After being cleaned and giving milk, she is finally being put in this NICU box and sleeping.
Sophie Bennet. My daughter. I have planned her live ever since I decided to be with her mother. Almost every night during these five months, I thought about every little detail of her live. she would sleep with us for her first two years. then we would move to a two-beds apartment so she could start to sleep along. We would take her to bed together, read her bedtime story every night. We would not introduce to her any gadget before school. I have searched the best private school in NY city for her and also best university based on every subject. I have planned some family rituals like Date-night Wednesday where she would have a date with me or her mom alone to bond, or Sophie's Breakfast where we would let her to decide what breakfast do we eat that day.. I even have written some questions and tasks that must be answered and fulfilled with the boys who want to date her.
A lot of things I have planned for my daughter. Yet, there are also a lot of things I didn't plan for her. I haven't bought her a cradle since it is supposed to be what Jen and I did after we came from city M. I didn't plan she would live in her comatose mother's womb for almost two moths, having her nutritions in chemical form. I didn't plan for her to be born as a preterm. I didn't plan that her first drink is not from her mom's breast. I didn't plan she would be born only five minutes before her mother is fighting for her own life in surgery. And I definitely didn't plan to raise her as a single parent !!
I wince my eyes and subconsciously tighten my hold to Sophie's tiny hand. No! No! No!!! I don't want that to happen!! Please don't let that to happen !!!
"Eeeeeeeeeee!!!"
Sophie's loud cry awakens me up from my own thought.
"Gosh!! Sorry... sorry, Baby.. sorry," I whisper realizing she awoke because of me. I try hard to calm her down, but she cries even louder. Her face becomes dark red, even almost blue.
I immediately release her hand and pull my hand out from the incubator box. Sophie cries even louder than before.
"Nurse.. help.. help.. what... what's wrong with her ?!?!" I exclaim in panic., running out from the room to look for a nurse, or anyone who can help me.
A woman approaches me and comes into the nursery room.
"Please help..."
"Relax, Sir..." the nurse says with a calming voice. She quickly but not hasty opens the incubator box and lifts Sophie and puts her on her chest.
"Pssst... Psst... Good girl.. You're just startled, don't you ?" The nurse whispers to Sophie softly. Less than a minute, Sophie is calming down. "There you go, Baby Girl.. Yes.. It's okay... it's okay... go back to sleep now..."
I literally just stunned, watching how the nurse calms Sophie down. I can't believe a minute ago this tiny creature could produce hell-loud of voice that literally makes me feel like in hell. And yet, now she is so calm and back to sleep.
"Is she okay ?" I ask, still in stammered.
The nurse smiles at me. "She is fine, Sir. She just startled," She says in merely a whispering tone.
"But she.. she... her face was blue. Is it normal ?" I ask again, remembering why I was panic back then.
"It is, Sir. Her system is not perfect yet so the blood is rushing to her face when she cries," the nurse explains.
"It won't endanger her ?"
The nurse shakes her head. "It will go away eventually," she ensures me.
I sigh in relieve. "Okay..."
The nurse is about to put Sophie back to her box.
"Can.. Can I cradle her... a bit ?" I request.
When the nurse nods, I approach her. Standing next to her, the nurse place Sophie's head on my palm while her body on my lower arm.
"Good. You're natural, Sir," She praises me.
Sophie wiggles in my arm and then starts to whimper.
"Why.. why is she.. she doesn't like me.."
"No, Sir. But you need to cal down"
Sophie cries again. I immediately gives Sophie to the nurse. When she is in the nurse's hands, once again she is calm.
"She can feel your heart, Sir. When you are restless, so is she," the nurse explains to me. I cover my face with my palm then exhale heavily.
"What do you know about the surgery ? Is it done yet ? does she survive ?" I ask her.
"I don't know, Sir," the nurse answers me while putting Sophie back to the incubator.
I walk back and forth in the nursery room for few times while waiting for the nurse taking care of Sophie. Once she closes the box, I approach her.
"You better let her sleep, Sir," the nurse says when I'm about to put my hand again into the hole.
"Oh... Okay," I finally agree to her suggestion.
Against my urge to caress my baby, I put both of my hand inside my jeans pockets and again just walk back and forth inside the room. Unfortunately, the movement I made that suppose to calm me down, instead increases my anxiety. But, what can I do ? Dr. Paresh said that the surgery would approximately meeds about 5 to 8 hours while now is not even two hours.
I sigh and eventually just sit my body down in front of Sophie's box. I put both my hands to cover my nose and just blankly stare at my newborn baby. Her peaceful face calms me a little until once again, the thought of raising her all by my self without Jennifer on my side is sipping through my brain.
I close my eyes with so much tiredness and worry. Please, I murmur inwardly. Just don't let her die...