Black.
That's how they usually describe it. The absence of light. Like its a dark entity, a soul sucking demon that takes away all that is bright and vibrant; that takes away all that is good and beautiful and lively.
It's this numbness, the feeling of being drained without knowing that you still have something to drain away. To live like you're not living, just barely surviving and coping then surviving and coping again. Losing time without actually realizing it. Like you're just going through the motions, living life for the sake of the people around you.
Distractions. Making distractions. Doing distractons. Till those distractions no longer work. Till you give up.
But for me, I think its white.
It's not the absence of light, its too much of it.
Too much life, too many people, too many emotions.
It's overwhelming and chaotic. Too many standards, too many strangers to please. There's no room for thought, or taking things slow. Everything must be rapid, precise and accurate. There's no room for trust, no room for hope, no room for genuinenity. Start being slow, you get ridiculed; you lose. Start showing yourself, you get betrayed; you lose.
You always lose. Always.
Optimistic people call it 'a learning experience'. Pessimistic people call it 'the time to give up'. I call it 'Life'.
And sometimes… Sometimes its just exhausting.
Sometimes, its the too many tears that you try to hold back. Or the too many emotions, feelings if you will, that you try to keep in check. Most of the time, its those too many sleepless nights, just staring blankly up at your ceiling, watching too many shadows of too many things blending together to become this one whole darkness that surrounds you.
That eventually becomes you.
Or sometimes, its the dreams. Too many dreams, both awake and asleep; of scenes that happened or would never happen, of too many faceless people; people you once known, strangers you've encountered, people that could have mattered to you, people that you've forgotten and left behind in the shades of the past.
People you've loved and fought and lost.
So you see. You always lose. Always.
Its just up to you on how you'd make your loss matter. Or not at all.