Paige couldn't take it anymore and just blurted out, "They were so happy when you saved me. No one wanted me to end up like her." She covered her face and burst into tears.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jeff had a sinking suspicion, but he couldn't bear the thought.
Steven finally spoke again. "Jeff, when Sarah was in High School, she was raped."
Jeff felt like he had the wind knocked out of him. This had to be some kind of cruel joke. Then he remembered the wall she would put up when discussing the past and everything suddenly made sense.
"What happened?" he mumbled, wishing he didn't want to know.
Paige moved to her father, putting her arm around him for support. Jeff felt twice as bad for snapping at him earlier. A father having to explain something like this must be horrible beyond words.
"She was grabbed off the street on her way home from school. The sick son of a bitch forced her into his van and . . . " he stopped and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.
When she saw he couldn't continue, Paige took over trying to ease his pain. "When he finished with her, she was furious. She's always been a fighter. She spit in his face and told him how weak a man he must have been to have to grab a girl off the street. He was so angry, he cut her." She stopped, unable to continue.
"What do you mean, he cut her?"
Katy couldn't stand to see either of them continue to relive this. "Jeff honey, he cut her face. She has a terrible scar all the way from above her ear to the middle of her chin."
Jeff thought about the conversation they had about Paige and what her life would have been like, realizing painfully that Sarah was talking about herself. He thought about all the clues that had been there, but he had never noticed. The thought of the kind of pain she must have suffered was unbearable. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and bolted from the bed. He almost made it to the bathroom when he began vomiting.
After a moment, he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard his sister's voice. "Are you all right?"
"No, I'm not fucking all right. Why the hell didn't you tell me? I feel like such an idiot."
"What exactly was I supposed to tell you? That the lovely young woman who looked after you every day had a scar? Would that have made any difference to you?"
He thought for a moment. "No, but what if I said something to hurt her. Shit, I had no idea."
"That was the whole point. The reason the doctor wanted someone other than Paige to look after you is because you weren't supposed to worry about anyone but yourself. If you had been worried about hurting her feelings, it would have stressed you out. You needed to relax and heal.
When Sarah volunteered to take care of you, her family hoped it might help her come out of her shell. We all hoped this could somehow help both of you." She helped him up and over to the sink, where she cleaned him off. Then she said firmly, "Now come back to bed."
After she helped him, he tried to decide what to do next. "Okay, now that I know what happened, some of it makes more sense. But I still don't understand, it's been what, seven years? She still hasn't been able to find a way to...well, to get past it?"
Paige sat down next to Jeff and took his hand. "She dates sometimes, but never let's any guys get close. She was a virgin when it happened to her. After she recovered, she tried going back to school. She had a really hard time because she felt so self-conscious. Everyone knew what happened and treated her differently. She didn't have many friends and some of the kids even picked on her because of it.
"In her senior year, one of the most popular guys in school asked her out to a school dance. She was nervous, but decided to try." Jeff noticed Steven turn away. "The last few days she got cold feet and tried to back out, but I stayed on her to go out with him. The day of the dance, another girl came up to her and told her the guy had been bragging that he was going to finally get a piece of the 'Ice Queen', now that someone else had loosened her up."
"Son of a bitch! Are you fucking kidding me?" Jeff didn't know what to say. He knew teenage boys could be cruel, but this was too much.
"Don't worry Jeff, he never said it again," Steven said firmly. He didn't elaborate, but Jeff had a feeling he knew what happened. He hoped it was really painful.
"Unfortunately, the damage was done. Sarah never trusted anyone after that. When she goes out with someone, it's always the same. They have a nice time, but she always finds some reason to end it before it can get serious."
"My wife and I home schooled her the rest of her senior year. When she went to college, she refused to stay on campus. After her mother died, she told me there was no reason for her to move out because I needed her. The truth is, she's hiding out and I'm afraid the longer she does, the harder it will be for her to ever get on with her life. She got a good job, but it's behind a desk talking to people on the phone. I'm afraid we just don't know how to help her more than we have.
The problem is that the scar is a constant reminder of what happened to her. Every time someone meets her, she knows that it's the first thing they notice about her, and it's tied to the worst memory imaginable."
"I don't understand," Jeff said, unable to comprehend the pain she must have been dealing with. "If she had such a hard time coping with the scar, couldn't they have done something about it with surgery?" Jeff asked, unsure of how to process the information.
"It got better with the first couple," Steven replied. "Then she refused to have any more. She said she didn't care, but I think part of it was her being scared and part was that financially, it would have wiped out her mother and me.
Paige is right. Sarah is incredibly stubborn and refused to consider it, no matter what we tried. Doctor Wolcott told us it wouldn't be a good idea to push her. He said she needed to decide to have another surgery or live with the scar the way it was, but us trying to force her could push her away from us. Her mother and I were so afraid of doing the wrong thing, we just let it go." He looked down in frustration,
"You'll never understand how hard it was for me to deal with something like this, I just wanted my baby to be all right again."
Paige hugged him tightly, wishing there was some way to make him feel better. Katy put her hand on his shoulder, afraid to imagine anything like that happening to one of her kids.
After things calmed down, Jeff asked everyone but Paige to leave. Once they were gone, he asked softly, "Paige, no more stalling, I want to know everything. I'm not going to sit here and let her walk out of my life."
Paige looked at him uncertainly. She felt incredibly torn between her loyalty to her sister and the debt she felt she owed to Jeff. "Before I say anything else, I need to know how you really feel about her. She's really tied herself in knots about this and I don't want her to get hurt again."
He took her hand in his and looked deeply into her eyes. "Paige, I wouldn't do anything to hurt her, I think I love her."
She pulled him close again, giving a relieved sob against his chest. "Tell me what you want to know."
~~~~~
Jeff had the cab take him to the address Paige had given him. He was going to go to the door, but decided to run into the small grocery store across the street to get some flowers. This wasn't going to be easy. He went through the store and found a small section with some roses. He bought a dozen and went to the counter.
There were three open registers, so he jumped in the shortest line and waited. He wasn't paying much attention to what was going on around him as he ran through what he might say in his mind. It terrified him. Anything he said could make things worse.
The information about the scar or the story didn't change his mind about anything. He felt deeply for Sarah and the only thing on his mind was that she was in pain and he had to help. It had only been a week and he already missed her more than he could stand. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if he blew this chance.
He was deep in thought when a woman's laughter caught his attention. Even though he hadn't been paying attention, there was no doubt who it belonged to. Jeff looked from person to person, afraid he had imagined it. He finally settled on a blonde woman standing at the register, about four customers in front of him. She was about his height, thin, with straight hair that reached the middle of her back. He couldn't see her face.
As he tried to listen in on the conversation, he heard the young man at the register ask her what was wrong. She said something he quite make out, but he recognized the voice.
"Sarah?" he said, cautiously.
The woman spun around to face him. She was beautiful with green eyes, high cheekbones and luscious, full lips. There was a softness to her features that he found appealing. Her looks were in stark contrast to the faded, but still prominent scar that ran all the way across one side of her face.
Suddenly Jeff realized that if he had passed her on the street a few months ago, he would have noticed the scar and thought, What a shame' The idea embarrassed him as he confronted the shallowness that would have cost him the chance to meet such a spectacular woman. Maybe he needed that time in the hospital to grow up. Suddenly he wanted to believe in Sarah's theory of a master plan.
Sarah heard Jeff call her name and turned so quickly that the bottle she was holding slipped from her hand. It hit the ground, smashing into dozens of small pieces. While she tried to recover from the shock, she realized that all activity in the store had ceased.
The activity around them stopped to as the people waited to see what was happening. The young man at the register saw her reaction and tensed, ready to step in if this was unwanted attention.
Jeff pushed past the other people in line and gently grabbed her by the shoulders. He studied every detail of the face he had waited weeks to see. There was a tear falling down her cheek and he couldn't stop himself from wiping it away. He pulled her close slowly, afraid he might frighten her away. When she didn't resist, he closed his eyes as their lips met. She tilted her head back and her hand involuntarily moved behind his shoulder.
Jeff slowly savored their embrace, in no hurry to have it end. She returned his kiss a little shyly, but he couldn't sense any reluctance. Their kiss intensified as he held her with one hand and ran the other through her hair. He was just beginning to lose himself in the feeling of her soft lips when they were both startled by the sound of applause.
Jeff broke away first, finally realizing that they were the center of attention. He turned back to Sarah, intending to ask her to go somewhere more private.
To his dismay, she pushed away. "Jeff, I'm sorry, I can't," she said, as she turned and ran from the store, pushing past the people in front of her.
It took him a second to recover. By the time he reached the door, she was crossing the street and running up the stairs of her apartment building. "Sarah, please stop," he yelled.
Jeff had to wait for several cars to pass before he could cross. When he finally saw an opening, it was too late and she disappeared into her building, pulling the door shut behind her. He buzzed her apartment for fifteen minutes, but she refused to answer.
Dejectedly, he turned and walked back to his car, not knowing what to do next.
~~~~~
As he sat in the waiting room, Jeff tried to keep some spark of hope alive. Sarah obviously had feelings for him. The way she returned his kiss left no doubt about that. The problem was getting past the wall she had built up over the years. She had evidently made up her mind that she would be better off without him, or maybe she thought he would be better off without her. Either way, he resolved to not give up without a fight.
A pleasant looking young woman sitting behind a desk caught his attention. "Doctor Wolcott will see you now."
Jeff walked through the door and the doctor rose to greet him. "Jeff, you are looking well, how can I help you."
"Paige told me to talk to you. She said you helped Sarah through her recovery and have stayed close with her over the years."
The doctor frowned, "Jeff, I can't talk to you about what I discussed with a patient. You understand that, right?"
Jeff met the doctor's gaze firmly. "I'm not asking you to betray any privilege, but I need to find some way to get through to Sarah. If you're as close to her as Paige said, you have to have an idea of how to help me. She hasn't been your patient for years. There has to be something you can tell me. I am crazy about her and from what her family says, she feels the same way about me. She just won't give me the chance to get close to her."
Dr. Wolcott sat quietly, trying to choose his words carefully. "Well, I can talk to you in general about the way trauma victims feel. The victim of a sexual assault can have a wide variety of reactions. Some become insatiable with their desires, trying to fill a void in their emotions with the act of sex. Some even crave degrading acts because they feel unworthy of anything better."
"Some," and he paused looking directly at Jeff to indicate his meaning without saying it aloud, "retreat into themselves. They are afraid of being rejected to the point of making themselves miserable rather than risk being hurt. Some part of their behavior can be attributed to the guilt they feel."
"Guilt?" Jeff asked uncertainly. "How could she . . . they feel guilty about something they couldn't control?"
"Control is a matter of perspective, son. In some victim's minds, they continue to question if they made all the right choices. If they had done something differently, could they have avoided what happened? Everyone in their life is exposed to their trauma, so sometimes they feel like they're responsible for everyone's pain, in a way. This is incredibly difficult to cope with, and it's why therapy can be so important."
"In Sarah's case, she has a permanent reminder of the event because of her scar. Every time she meets someone new, she knows the first thing they notice is something that is tied into the most traumatic event of her life. To be honest, I think she uses it as an excuse to keep men at a distance. She hates it, but it's also part of her defenses."
"Ok," Jeff responded, "so that explains why she hasn't dated much, but what about me. She already knows I care about her and that she cares about me. What happened to her doesn't change the way I feel about her, I already know the real Sarah and she's wonderful."
The doctor nodded his agreement. "She is a remarkable young woman, but in a way, you are more of a threat to her than anyone." He paused as Jeff shot him a confused look. "She knows you had feelings for her before you found out about her past. Now that you know, I'm sure she's afraid you might reject her. She's probably also worried about you being too nice to walk away, even though you might want to. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she has talked herself into believing that your pursuit is based on pity, which would be even more devastating to her."
"So let me get this straight," Jeff said, starting to get angry. "If I blow her off, it's because I'm a jerk. If I try to get her to see me, it's because I'm still a jerk, but don't want to look like a bad guy? How the hell do I deal with that?"
"Exactly," Dr. Wolcott answered cryptically. "How do you deal with that?"
"Great, now you sound like a shrink," Jeff answered, clearly frustrated.
"Jeff, I can't tell you any magic words to make things better. If I knew them, I would have used them with her seven years ago. She is such a special young woman that it kills me to not be able to help her. I watch her every week, wondering if there is something I could think of . . . "
With a swift movement, Jeff's head jerked up to look at the doctor. "What do you mean, every week?"
This time it was the doctor's turn to look confused. "She volunteers here every Monday and Friday in the children's ward. She has for years. I would have thought her family would have told you that."
He was surprised by Jeff abruptly rising and heading for the door. "Sorry doc, I've got to go."
~~~~~
Sarah walked into the hospital lost in her thoughts. It was the first time back since her last night with Jeff. She had missed three of her volunteer dates in a row and wasn't going to miss another, no matter what. Some days it was like the kids were her reason for getting out of bed. People often complimented her on how caring she was, spending time with sick children. The truth was, her time with the kids did as much for her as it did for them.
She had taken two days off work after her encounter with Jeff. It was so unsettling that she had no idea how to begin to deal with it yet. Part of her wished he had never come looking for her because of all the emotions it had stirred up. Part of her wished he wouldn't have left. She sat by the window of her apartment for hours, hoping he'd come back, wondering if she could have forced herself to talk to him. Jeff was a very good man, this was incredibly unfair to him and she knew it. How could he have any idea what she wanted when she didn't know herself?
Paige had tried to help, but Sarah had been angry with her sister for interfering and let her know it. She knew Jeff would find out her secrets eventually, but Paige had related the details from last Tuesday's conversation. Her sister had given up far too much information, then tried to defend it by telling Sarah how much Jeff cared.
"It doesn't matter. It's my life not yours!" she had said heatedly.
Although Paige had called every day, Sarah refused to talk to her. She loved her sister and knew Paige meant well, but this wasn't the kind of situation that called for an 18-year-old who thought she knew everything. As she walked down the hallway, Sarah thought again about what her younger sister had been through and what could have happened.
She shook her head as she approached the door. I've got to call her tonight and apologize, she thought. She loves me and is just trying to do what she thinks is right. Sarah even flirted with the idea of calling Jeff to apologize. She just couldn't imagine what she could say.
As she entered the rec room, she knew immediately something was going on. The kids were standing around with conspiratorial looks on their faces. She put it out of her mind as several of the younger ones ran up to her.
"Sarah," cried Jessie, a little girl who was her favorite. She had been injured in a fire and even after several skin grafts, still had terrible scars. Jessie's mom had told Sarah how much her visits had meant because the little girl identified with the caring woman who had her own scar.
She hugged Jessie and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "How are you, little angel?"
"Good," said the seven year-old. "I missed you. Where have you been?"
"I'm so sorry I missed the last few visits. I wasn't feeling very well. I'm better now, so I promise I won't miss any more, all right?"
Jessie smiled and said mischievously, "Ok, but you owe me a promise."
Sarah looked at her with an amused expression. "Ok Jessie, I owe you a promise."
"Anything I want?"
"Yes, I promise, anything you ask me." She laughed at Jessie's persistence. She expected to be making a trip to the cafeteria for a candy bar any second now.
"Well," said the child shyly, "one of the boys here likes you." Sarah looked around the room quickly, noticing flowers on one of the tables. "He was scared to tell you, so he bought you flowers and asked me to do it because we're friends. He wants a kiss from you and wants to tell you something. Remember, you promised."