I'm awoke to the sound of heavy panting in my ears and open my eyes to see two red faced girls breathing heavily. "well I see you enjoyed the cuddling." they both nod then hide their faces. "Sadly I fear our time will be cut short. an anbu appears to be rushing over here." I say fixing my disheveled clothes and removing my hands from some perky buttcheeks I'd been rubbing in my sleep.
A minute later there's a knock on the door. "Ryan the hokage wishes to see you quickly please make your way there as fast as possible." then the anbu poofs off.
"Well peace never does last very long." I Give the blushing girls forhead kisses making the pass out with blissful faces before heading off to the hokage office.
Walking in I see tsunade looking at me with shizune by her side. "Sasuke Uchiha has defected from the village with minions of orochimaru your to follow and retrieve him your mission starts now." I nod and then hop out the window locking on to the targets I sensed earlier.
I quickly catch up and notice they split one off trying to stall me. In front of me is a big guy with the stupidest fucking haircut I've ever seen in my life. "Wow they really sent such a pipsqueak to stop us what a jo..*Gurgleeee*" before he can finish his bullshit evil villain monologue I tore his entire head off not even missing a step and absorbed his soul. Didn't even get blood on my new shoes. These are custom ninja wear bitch.
Speeding along I'm now confronted by the next jack ass in my path. some douchebag with 6 arms. "Wow you must be strong jirobo didn't even last a minute." still rushing I grabbed his two top most arms jumped in the air and planted my foot right on his face giving a nasty tug and pull I broke his neck and ripped off some arms all in 1 go. with a quick tap to the chest and a soul suck I was on my way. I don't know why people spew so much bullshit in battle. teacher would beat my ass if I even tried.
up next on my to kill list was an emo looking fuckboy with green lipstick and his twin brother wrapped up on his back hidden from sight. "Fucking pathetic they couldn't even...*Splurt*" knife hand through the chest for a fast efficient double kill and soul absorb "C-C-C-COMBOOOO!"
Continuing my light jog I run into my next opponent a cute red haired girl with a bad mouth not even stopping I rush up to her and grab her throat. "My apartment was just destroyed and I'm in need of a maid what do you think about a job?" I ask her "fffu...ckkk you..." she chokes out. "That might come later if you do a good job and I see you've got spunk just what I'm looking for so your rejection is rejected." forced hiring at its finest I slap a seal on her and grab her curse mark tearing out orochimarus soul fragment and getting rid of it. she let's out a small moan and I slap her butt. "by the way watch your language." "Mother fu.." before she can finish I throw her into kamui. I continue on with my morning sprint realizing I've sadly missed my bacon this morning and pull out my emergency bacon sandwhich. I fucking knew it would come in handy some day.
I run into my new opponent the white haired bone pulse user who dies from calcium deficiency. "Quick request join me and I can cure you of your illness and give you an amazing purpose in life. reject me I kill you bring you back from the dead, brainwash you and cure your illness making you one of my bodyguards. Your response is?" he looks stupified "If you can defeat me I shall join you. but only if you can back up your words."
Negotiations have succeeded. I push off the ground with massive strength cratering it behind me with a small explosion of rocks. my fist gets covered in haki and I use my other hand to protect my precious bacon sandwhich. with a sickening crunch I connect with the bone plate coming out of his chest and bury him about 6 feet into the ground.
he coughs out some blood "you.....win.."
"Atlleast you didn't do the evil monologue like the other ones and I won't even make you a maid." I throw him into kamui and continue on my way to chase sasuke.
I finally catch up to him and he looks at me. "Are you here to bring me back to the village? Do you think your stronger than an Uchiha now that I've got this new power?!?!" he starts laughing madly.
"Nope I'm simple here to repay you for making me fail a mission. You know I had a 100% success rating?" he looks confused.
"What mission did I make you fail?" he asks.
"oh the one I just got given to bring you back to the village. I'm going to repay you a beating for it so try not to struggle too much okay?" *Woosh* and I'm off giving him a backhand bitch slap across the lake. *Smaaack* "hows that Uchiha pride doing ya?" I catch his leg as he's flying over the lake and start slapping him off the water with hulk style strength. before chucking him at a cliff face. *Waboom* he's embedded into the cliff with a nice sasuke style hole. "I must however praise your new found power your finally able to take a beating you sure can be proud." he screams and starts charging up a chidori only for me to jump at him and slam both my feet into his arms pinning him back to the wall. with a nice knuckle sandwhich to the mouth I punch out his two front teeth. "You know I even had to give up my cuddles and breakfast today to come chase your retarded ass. Did you know breakfast is the most important part of the day?"
*Crack" a nice big black eye for his new master. "You know I think I might take some of your Uchiha pride as payment and see how great it really is." I reach down and grab around his eye as he screams "noooo!" With a popping noise I took one of his sharingan and absorbed it getting ameterasu. " Don't worry sasuke my boy I'll fix you right up." using a nice eye I had taken from one of the dead ninja of the sound I plop it right in his empty eye socket and fix it right up with medical ninjutsu. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU." he screams and struggles more. "Alright but just remember if you want to grow up big and strong don't forget to eat your breakfast everyday." Then with one more nasty Crack I knock him out and throw him at the waiting kabuto who was hiding. He's still under the imperius curse so it's all good. I make my way back to village and head to the hokage office.
"Ah sorry they are gone they were just too fast for me I couldn't catch up." I tell tsunade. "You were gone less than 20 minutes did you even try?" she asks me. "I sure did I killed 4 enemies hired a maid and got a new bodyguard" plopping out the heads of jirobo, spider boy, ukon and sakon. "I was met with tough resistance and since I didn't have my breakfast this morning I simply couldn't carry on." tsunade just face palms and sighs. "The sand siblings will be coming soon do you want to stay and listen or what?" I ponder over this for a minute. "Nah I'm gunna go have some lunch you can handle it I believe in you." I say hopping out the window.