I find that Saturday came sooner than I was expecting. Thinking back to last weekend talking about going on a date with Alice, I'm kinda nervous. I still can't think of what to do for our date. This will be my first date since Rylie even if it's just with Alice I want it to go smoothly, I just hope we have a good time. You see I'm worried, not about the date so much. I'm worried about myself since Rylie I've become the kind of person that struggles to give emotion when in a relationship. What that means is the little stuff is hard for me to do. Emotionally I'm exhausted and I don't know how to fix it, maybe that's not the right word, I'm not sure how to remove whatever it is in my mind that makes me powerless to move any further, to be there for the person I care about. So far I've just been struggling in darkness that unlike shadows I can't see. It's like grasping at straws, trying to fill a sieve with sand. Although Alice knows about these feelings I find it's hard for me to explain them the way that they are rather than the way she interprets them when I try. let me be clear though, these feelings are not those of depression I only know what they aren't, not what they are. That might be confusing but that is exactly how I see it.
Before it starts
Texting her the details is not an option when there aren't any to speak of.
I am drawing a blank Alice what should we do? We could go to dinner at TGIF. What should we do before then? It should be something fun but not crazy, also I don't want to get too sweaty before we go out to dinner.
How about karaoke?! That sounds like fun. It's settled then karaoke it is!
So how was your week Alice? Well let me just say it was kind of a mess, first I got fired due to less business then I said something stupid to my uncle's girlfriend that could possibly break them up and now here I am exhausted, in need of a job, and sort of lonely. Well, that sounds sorta tough, I'm sorry AL. At least you're out with me and we can have fun. Ya, you're right! Hopefully, everything will work out I'm too tired to stress over it right now. I am glad I don't have to worry honestly the only stress in my life was Rylie. Ya, I get that. All I got from that "relationship" was a hand full of sand and a slow beating heart. Huh?? What I mean to say is, what I thought was her love was similar to sand, something I could never actually hold and a heart that decides that slow is the way to beat around a possible love interest like my own heart is afraid to beat any faster for fear of getting my hopes shattered again.
I constantly find myself wanting to express how I feel but suppressing it, subconsciously giving myself one excuse after another. If you say that she'll shut you down. Or she might get mad. The same negative tendencies repeating because of her. I'm constantly wondering if I would be a good boyfriend. Always worried I'll never live up to expectations. I feel worthless and timid. I am so glad I have Alice because after what happened it is clear my friend making ability became nonexistent. You may wonder how could I be going through this all because of a girl. Well, you see girls can be just as bad as guys when it comes to an abusive relationship. I read a statistic that stated, 1 in 9 of men experience violence in an intimate relationship received from a female partner. I started looking at stuff like that after Rylie and I broke up. It's shocking really, like wow it happened to me, I really went through all of that. Not that I'd want it to happen to anyone else it's just that I feel a sense of separation like it was all a nightmare. You might be wondering, just what did you go through? I feel like it will help to get this out in the open so to speak.
At first, Rylie and I were happy like most couples, we started dating around the middle of sophomore year. I wasn't really confident at the time though and I always wondered why she liked me. One day that fear and doubt I had seemed to manifest into a physical and verbal being when she got jealous because I went out with a few guys that she didn't know. I mean we're all guys and I'm straight like what could really happen right?. But she didn't care she was furious throwing a fit yelling and saying I didn't love her and that I should spend less time with others and more with her, at one point she got to the point where she threw a glass across the room. I couldn't believe how angry she was and I told her, look you need to take a breath and have some alone time I'm going home. The next day she's all smiles and awkwardness coming up to me with a wooden rose and chocolates saying she's so sorry and sort of lost her temper. Of course, since I loved her I instantly forgave her which I know now I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it when you're in love you can't see the problem even if it's in front of your face. She had outbursts like that constantly so I stopped hanging out with other people and spending all of my time with her. Studying, free time at school, free time outside of school. Since I didn't have a job she had all of my time basically, to the point where there was no "mine" it was all hers, my time, my effort, and affection. She was absolutely obsessed. She would text me and call me constantly and her parents just saw it as puppy love but it was like a nightmare. Actually, scratch that it was and is the definition of a nightmare in my eyes. Why I thought she loved me why in the world would she hurt me. If that's not enough she didn't trust me she always thought I was cheating and would monitor my phone and since I'm not keeping any secrets I willing let her. No matter how hard I tried my love, loyalty and honesty just never seemed to satisfy her needs. She made me doubt everything about myself to the point where I tried to tell her I wanted space for a little while because she was overwhelming. That didn't go over well. She responded with a fit of rage smacking my on the cheek and saying I didn't love her and that I was being selfish and that if I did truly love her I would want to spend as much time with her as she does with me.
Overall it didn't end great I ended up getting a restraining order on Alice's advisory.
The fun before the fun
So what should we sing, I sorta want to sing adele because it's easier since my voice is low. I like that idea we could harmonize! (Song starts, duet version) Instrumental... When the rain is blowing in your face... I could offer you a warm embrace... to make you feel my loooovee. I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR MIND UP YET, BUT I WOULD NEVER DO YOU WRONG... to make you feel my loooooove ah. W-well that was fun haha ( out of breath) he pants. Ya, that was awesome! Let's do something from an anime next! Should we do the romanji version or English? Hmmm (thinking long and hard) I think its harder to do the romanji version yet really fun but the English one is a little awkward to sing and still fun it would also be easier because we don't speak Japanese haha. Ya know we could sing both. You're totally right! (Song starts) I wonder if this light inside my heart has been here all along ...and I never noticed it at allllll because every time I stumble down or have to take the long way around it shines on me forevermore... ONCE MORE I PUSH MY FEARS AWAY ALL THAT I ENDURE TODAY WILL MAKE ME STRONGER... (both gulp down water) ahhhh that was so much fun!!!! Now I'm hungry... jaaaaaakkeaahhhh go buy us some fooooodddaahh!!! He laughed as she whined. Okay but only because I'm hungry too you brat!
I had so much fun but I got all sweaty... Alice! What I didn't do anything?! Ya but I still sorta feel like blaming you. Oh come on that is discrimination against short people... It's because I'm short, isn't it?!!! No, but that is a good point. I will now call shorty. Hey! What, it was your idea. No, it was not! Well I mean I got the idea from what you just said so you can't hold it against me, pppfttt haha. I will just because you said I can't, hmph! I will cross my arms in sheer defiance, Mr. Reynolds! Omg, don't call me that ya little squirt!
The night begins
Hi my name is Julie and I will be your server tonight what can I start your off with? Oh, I'll have a coke and she'll have a strawberry lemonade. Okay and are you guys ready to order? I think we are. Alright, then what can I get- wait!!! What? I can't decide between potato skins or whiskey glazed chicken bites! I'm sorry Julie I guess we aren't quite ready yet. Alright ill be back soon with your drinks while you decide. Thanks. Jake Whispers, Alice you're such a dork. What? What did I do? You basically yelled so the whole restaurant could hear you pfft. No, I didn't she blushed as she was clearly embarrassed, shut up! Jake raises his hands in surrender, I'm just poking fun at you that's all. Alright I'm back here you are, coke and strawberry lemonade, are you ready to order she smiles. Jake looks at Alice and she nods. Yes, we are. I'll have this and she'll have the whiskey glazed chicken bites. Alright, I'll be back soon with your orders. Thanks. Mmm, this is so good yet kind of spicy I love it, Jake how is yours? It's really good. Thanks for taking me out this has been nice. Ya, I'm glad we did this slowly but surely I hope I'll be able to be comfortable with others again. I hope so too. On their way home it was surprisingly quiet. They were both thinking of how nicely the evening went and how fun karaoke was.
Can't wait to do this again! Ya, me neither.
Standing on the porch- um jake!? She blushes. Huh, what? You were staring and I said when do you think we should hang out again? Oh ya uh sorry was spacing, I think maybe whenever you're free next would be fine. Alright, she smiles. Well, goodnight Al. As she hugs him, goodnight jake. I am really glad you had fun. I hope I wasn't the only one... No, I had fun as well!