January 15 2***

Dear diary

***Registration day***

It was a tough year but I'm proud to say that I finally made it. There were plenty of times in the past year where I just wanted to give up. Give up on life, give up on everything, but I guess life is too precious, so I couldn't bring myself to.

Thinking back on it now, I honestly don't know how I made it through the past year. It felt like I was in hell, only my Lord God knows how much of a living hell it was. 

It somehow feels like it was just yesterday but I left that life behind me 3 months ago and yet, I still wake up every night drenched in sweat because of having constant nightmares. 

I sometimes feel myself fading away into the darkness, feeling like the whole world is on my shoulders and yet, I still hold on to the small source of light that is around. But I ask myself, why am I holding on? why can't I just let go?, letting go means relief from the hell that I'm living in right now.

I feel myself losing my sanity, slowly but surely.

***I AM SO TIRED***

I think it's better to just let go. This world is dark, this world is full of darkness & I'm slowly but surely being sucked into that darkness.

😞😞😞

You know, I sometimes wonder if the choice that I made on that particular day was the right one, "Nah, I know for a fact that it was the wrong choice, but at that time, I felt it was the only choice that I had that could help me." 

---If people who know me were to find out how I've lived my life the past year, how would they look at myself? I often wonder. They would probably judge me, right?. (Lol, Nah, there is no probably about it. They will for sure, a 100% judge me and call me all the nasty names that they know of.)

"But while these so-called people judge me, where the fuck was they when I fell into this hell hole? Where the fuck were they when I had to take a year off of going to college because of a lack of funds? Where were they when I starved for days after my parents passed away, experiencing cramps because of hunger, plus, the thought of not knowing if I was going to see the next day? That's right, they were all there, just watching, and doing nothing. So, where do they get off judging me, judging my choices, huh?" 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that they all should have helped myself, no, they were not obligated to, but a simple meal is not too much of a big deal to give to someone in need. 

***THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME***

So, fuck them all to hell. 

**sigh**

I guess this past year has left me with issues hey, big issues (scars, mentally and emotionally).

Imagine, just last week, before I left my hometown for college, a bunch of people were telling me that I look good, happy, cheerful. Like I used to be before my parents died. (And all that was in my mind was "your parents and everyone close to you should just die so I can see how y'all will survive. That thought actually made me happy that I just started laughing and yet, they were laughing along. Idiots👹👺👿

I sometimes feel that darkness is taking over my whole being, I feel it now too actually but I'm striving hard to keep that darkness in control. When I feel it creeping up on me, my thoughts become dark as well and I wish everyone around me would just die and go to hell. Die a torturous death. It kind of feels liberating you know, thinking of multiple ways to torture everyone around me. I could just set some people on fire, stab them, lock them in a dark room and leave them for dead and many, many more.

(My thoughts are taking me far hey, hahahahahahahahahah-)

The only way I keep myself in check, keep my sanity is by writing in my journal and exercising ( that is my therapy). I guess you could say that I am weak. Not just my body but my whole being, physical, mental & emotional. Because if I was strong, I would be having these dark thoughts all the time. But you know what, I want to be strong, for myself and everyone, otherwise…

***

Now that I've calmed down, I have exciting news to share with you Diary. Today is my registration day. I any finally going to register for a degree in Communication. How exciting is that? 

******

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

******

" Hurry up Jo, or we are going to be late. You know that the registration started in the morning and it's almost noon."

"I'll be with you in a minute Linda. Lemme just use the bathroom quick quick. Ah, Ya, tell Jackie to be ready as well."

**********

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Hiyo Diary

I forgot to tell you, I'm renting a 3 bedroom flat with two of my friends (maybe?) I met them last year. Same circumstances.

Their names are Jackie Jones (unbelievable, right?) and Linda Mansu.

By the way, my name is Jo (short for Josephine)

Full name: Josephine Mulay

I guess it's time to go, otherwise, those two will start talking. And they do talk, sometimes too much for my liking, but hey.

*** WISH ME LUCK***