Later that night, lying on her bed after a shower, Jinjing was lost in reflecting on her life.
'I heard everything Liang said to the elders in the lawn. He did just as I wished. Then why did every word that he said sounded so cold and stabbed me in my heart. Even though he did not say anything extreme, but I could feel the coldness from where I was standing.
The way he put an end to the engagement talks, made me wonder, 'have I taken this too far?' if I suffered during the torturous five years, so did he. He even had to handle an evil person like Jiaying, social pressure, work pressure.
I left him without giving him a chance to explain. If I had acted like my usual sensible self, we would be saved all the pain and separation. I never said it out loudly, but the time I read those messages he sent me, I knew it for sure, if he had caused forty percent of our complications, I contributed a big sixty percent.
I should have trusted him. I should have believed in our love. I should have given him a chance without dragging the matter.
And what now? What am I doing now? I am once again only thinking about myself. My hesitance, my reluctance. What about him? Even in the past, I did not give a thought about how he felt when he was forced to get engaged to a person he does not even like? What he must have gone through once I left him? How hard he must have worked to get rid of Jiaying?
And even today, I am acting all high and mighty. Whereas, he spends every waking moment around me. I have the successful president Sheng dancing to my tunes, change his temperament around me, give up on his desires to accommodate me.
What have I given him in return, except pain, longing and more holding back. It's been five freaking years am I still wanting to waste more time? I love him for sure, then why can I not take the leap of faith and give my entire self to him?'
She was so engrossed in analyzing her feelings, that she did not realize when her parents came and sat next to her. Seeing no end to her thinking, Mama Lee tapped on her shoulder to get her attention.
When Jinjing saw her parents in her room, she sat up straight immediately. From the look on their faces, she understood the reason for them to be in her room at this hour.
Handing her the hot chocolate she made, Mama Lee flashed Jinjing a warm smile before asking, "what is troubling you my dear?"
"Ma! I don't really know…. I am very confused." melancholy evident in her eyes. She took a sip of the hot chocolate and warmth spread through her. She felt the haze in her head clear up a bit.
"do you love Liang? Do you want to be with him?" Mama Lee tried to help her understand her feelings.
Taking a deep breath, Jinjing looked at her parents and said without hesitation, "I love him a lot. and I want to stay with him forever. He is so expressive of his love for me. I don't know why I am holding back? I have longed for this all these years. Shouldn't I just grab the opportunity now? Then why Ma? Why?" feeling conflicted, Jinjing lowered her head and closed her eyes, tears silently rolling down her cheeks.
Papa Lee shifted from the couch to the bed close to Jinjing. Pulling her into a side embrace, he said, "hun! You are just scared and nothing else. The sufferings you experienced are stopping you from accepting the happiness." He kept caressing her arm while guiding her. "don't be afraid, step up and embrace love."