[Diary]
31st March, 2015
Sunday (08:00 PM)
Dear Diary,
On Monday I was all excited from thinking about playing detective with big sis, I had to do it in such a way that big sis doesn't find out, so I had to take some precautions so that even in the state of emergency she wouldn't realize that I was following.
I got a hold of myself and again endured alone as she went to school, it was tough....very hard, I really didn't want to anymore but I needed to get a better grip of myself. I can't afford to do stuff like this carelessly anymore as I did back in the orphanage, where I would always get caught in the end. I can't afford to get caught this time or big sis would get angry but I thought isn't it fine if big sis gets angry? I mean it's not like she would ever hate me, she would only get mad for my sake so isn't that also a form of love too? But I discarded that idea. The reason for it being quite simple.
Just thinking about going everywhere big sis goes without her knowing, tailing her, following her, always being at risk of getting caught, knowing what she does when I'm not around, trying my best to evade it just sounds so exhilarating and the amount of thrill I would get out of it, I just start shaking uncontrollably.
So to take precautions and learn more about this stuff, I thought of watching more movies as I got the idea from a movie in the first place, so maybe there is some more valuable information in some other movies.
At 11:30 AM I started watching a random movie and got nothing out of it as fell asleep during it and when I woke up big sis already came home and I got angry at the movie for making me fall asleep, as I missed few precious hours I could have spent with big sis due to falling asleep.
On Tuesday I did the same thing but this enduring is getting pretty hard.... most of the time I almost gave up and thought to just follow her but I managed to firm my resolve by thinking about the thrill and enjoyment every time. While watching today's movie I learned a few new words as they were spoken quite often, words like "Fuck", "Motherfucker", "Bitch", "Asscrack", "Virgin", and they were most of the times said in angry tone while the characters were killing each other. So I looked up what these words mean and found a whole bunch of curse word's vocabulary and when are they used and why are they used, hmm it's a pretty interesting concept so let's search more about.
On Wednesday I again endured, this time just thinking about the thrill didn't seem to work so I started pinching myself every time I almost gave in but holy fuck that pinching hurts, hmmm? I think I used the word 'fuck' correctly there, it sounded correct. But leaving the correctness of my vocabulary, I again started surfing through the internet for information because by now it's cleary inevitable that the internet is more informative than the movies.
On Thursday I came across a word known as "porn" and searched it and several websites came. Internet's a very distracting place, I started with ways to follow someone but how I got pulled into this weird thing...even I don't know, it just happened.
Anyways, hmm...I'm using 'Anyways' a lot....but moving on! I opened the first one and a bunch of videos of naked men and women came, oh my! what the fuck is this? I remember thinking and again I think I used it correctly there but I gotta say it feels nice saying these curse words, maybe I should look up more of these words but right now what is in front of me were a bunch of videos of naked men and women, so I opened the first video and saw it completely.
........... o-oh, o-oh, hmmmm, interesting....quite visual this stuff is..... yes yes s-so that also happens it seems like, hmm i-i-it's quite interesting I mean doesn't it hurt when that pencil-shaped thing goes inside that hole, then does that mean looking thing also go inside me? the girl seemed to make a face of pleasure, wild expressions and sounds of ecstasy so would I also? yeah, I needed to look more into this stuff.
As I watched more and more videos something became quite clear, it's always the same thing, nothing much changes, the only difference is the number of sounds they make, the diversity of expressions they can show on their faces, different weird positions they can pose in and the amount of that slimy white liquid like thing, that comes out of the male and gets scattered on various parts of female's body.
After watching all these videos, one thing was very clear. They all enjoyed it and got emotions shown on their faces I couldn't recognize, I mean there is a whole new world I don't know anything about but is it only possible between male and female? , so if I had to experience things like this do I also need a male? but thinking about some other person touching my big sis or someone other than my big sis touching me makes me feel very, very huh? what is this I feel like going crazy just thinking about it. This feeling of wanting to do something....something very...I don't know...very questionable? There's also anger rising just thinking about it
ahh, aaah, aha, ahahahaahaaa wh-wh-what is this is emotion? is this perhaps jealousy? but jealousy that I learned in orphanage and movies is nothing like this.... but it seems similar to it so maybe the source of these emotions is jealousy.... but it then developed into something else?
Aaaaaaaaaahhhh YES, I KNEW IT! being with big sis makes me feel all kinds of things, like last week when I held my hands over her's and how she makes me feel happy, treasured, protected and all the new emotions most of which I don't even know names that she makes me feel and right now because of her I am feeling these going crazy like emotions, YES!, YES!, this must be that, that thing that made my 3 orphanage friends torn apart and do so many characters I read in books do peculiar things this must be LOVE!
On Friday, now that I know I feel an emotion of love towards big sis, things became pretty easy as now I could search for all things related to it on the internet and as I got deep and deep into this topic I found out that emotion I felt yesterday was possessiveness and I also got know the names of some other emotions I felt until now but didn't know names of. Gotta admit being in clear of all the things does feel pretty good.
On Saturday, I thought that all those porn videos I saw were between men and women but big sis is a woman and so am I, so does that mean it's not possible between 2 women? I didn't wanna give up. I searched it up and came across the word Lesbian, so I searched it up and again found various peculiar and mind-blowing stuff..... but the main thing that I found was that lesbian is a somewhat looked down upon individual. They are said to be strayed from the path of good....but I was never good, to begin with. I mean if I was good, then why would Mother leave me? So it didn't matter to me, one needed to be good for stuff like this to apply, so I was clear, also I only care about what opinion big sis has of me, but that might not be the case for Mr. and Mrs. Jansha's and maybe even big sis herself, but I'm quite confident that I can convince big sis.
We can keep it a secret from everyone then no one will ever know and look down upon big sis so it's like a win-win situation. After that, I thought that because of this love, secrets that only me and big sis know grew more and these mutual secrets will continue to grow even more in the future thus I realized how great this thing called love is, no wonder in those books and for my 3 orphanage friends this love thing was of such great value.
Today I still couldn't figure out precautions to take before stalking (as they called it on the internet) big sis as I got too distracted with all that curse words, porn, and lesbian stuff, so when I searched it on the internet only things that came were how you should stop doing it and how it is bad and you should get some help. But I mean like why? it's not like I am doing some harm to anyone, big sis wouldn't hate me for it and I mean all those people on the internet are just hypocritical(that's a new word I learned) towards it, when in books, the character does some particular thing because of love, then all of them just loves it or support it. They were saying it to be all cute, romantic and shit! so what the fuck is wrong with me stalking big sis because of love? I really don't get it, people on internet are stupid is probably to lesson to take from here but uuuuuggh!!! now I got irritated because of it.
let's breathe slowly ... fuuu...haaa...fuu...haa.. ok I just probably need to lower my usage of the internet as it is clearly messing with my brain.
Mayuri
[Mayuri's POV]
Hmmm now it's been a whole week since I got the idea of stalking but I still can't come up with proper precautions but it's getting harder and harder to endure anymore so I think tomorrow I should just start small and just follow her till school and then come back home yeah let's try that NO! not try let's DO IT! SUCCESSFULLY!