School had been much harder than anticipated, but rather than the questions that he'd been expecting to bother him it was merely the presence of others. No one bothered him, dared to even approach him, but the raven had forgotten how many people attended school. It was nearly suffocating how people seemed to take up every bit of space.
Just how many people did they need in one room anyway? Didn't they realise the amount of germs they stood to spread like that?
Nausea had soon settled in, Xavier found that even the accidental brushing of shoulders had his skin crawling in disgust. Or even fear when he felt those things reacting, like they were trying to spread to the innocent person brushing him by. Mason had as usual been right, the raven couldn't stand it just yet. So he'd retreated back to the safety of home and stayed there. He'd felt significantly disheartened from the experience as he'd been telling himself he was okay, he was getting better despite it all.
But fact of the matter was Xavier wasn't doing fine. He just wasn't. Not matter how he phrased it, how many times he shut it out. That small voice at the back of his mind would keep up its incessant bickering. Telling him he couldn't escape his past, leaking into his mind and exposing the taint he tried so hard to scrub clean.
...
Grunting the raven threw his fist forwards again and again, changing from a frontal attack to throwing uppercuts and dodging imaginary attackers. He hadn't realised how much of a stress reliever fighting was before it was gone and now he needed it. The bag in front of him was where his aggression was buried, where those dark and hidden thoughts lurked beneath the surface. Panting heavily the teen pulls back from his relentless attack on the harmless bag of sawdust and sand. Glancing around the nearly vacant gym Xavier's navy eyes crinkle as he squints, the lights were dim at the other end of the gym due to the hour.
Raising his wrist he notes the time and heaves a sigh, this would have to do for today. Heading back to the locker room the teen gathers his things and gets his music player out. Plugging his headphones in and sliding them onto his head he takes one last breath before he leaves the air conditioned safety. Once outside he starts a casual jogging pace, the church wasn't far from here so he'd be home in no time but even that wasn't soon enough. Those thoughts he'd tried so damn hard to erase were just there no matter what the hell he did.
Flicking his head to remove hair from his face the raven turns a corner, taking no note of the rising of the sun or the way the cool breeze caressed his heated skin. No. He forced his mind to a little over a week ago, his first date with Vincent. The way he felt that day and the casual teasing that flowed between them that had his heart racing. He never had many chances to feel so normal and hell if he didn't worship the ground his boyfriend walked on for it.
Arriving home Xavier lets himself in and heads into the bathroom, casually stripping as he closes the door and throws his things this way and that. Once done he gets in the shower and turns it on, the glance he spared his music player having told him it would be around fifteen minutes until Mason woke to use the bathroom. Turning on the taps he goes through the routine process of cleaning as he wipes his mind.
He was trying, that was what mattered. No matter what that voice said he was going to get better, he was going to become someone worthy of Vincent. Someone worthy of simply existing.
Or so he wanted to think, washing off the raven steps from the shower once done and turns the taps off. Grabbing a towel the teenager glances at his foggy reflection, his body now looking healthier on the outside. He'd almost gotten rid of the pale, sick reflection that taunted him with his weakness, the bags were still present but at least his face was not sunken with malnutrition. His mental state too was just the same. Though he found solace in his time with his friends it only extended so far, he was still tainted and stained, he just hid it a bit better now.
Leaving the bathroom as he wraps a towel around his waist the teen heads to his own bedroom and gets dressed, while he wasn't going to school Mason had taken to bringing home work for him from his teachers. Xavier expected those dried up prunes were shocked at his desire to learn but the raven found that any distraction was welcome.
In addition he was getting excited, just one more day and he was going to get Vincent and Kyle to come over for the weekend, just one more day until he could see them again. The raven had been thinking about how it would go, smiling as he imagined picking a fight or something equally as stubborn because he wanted to at least feel normal when with his friends.
He wanted to prove to everyone that he was getting better, no matter how long it was taking he was still doing it. Once finished dressing the raven lays down onto his bed and sighs, closing his eyes to the slight thrum through his body from his workout. A few minutes pass and the bed sinks along with a small purr sound so the raven knows Mekal has joined him.
The small cat comes to the teens side and curls up, obviously waiting to be pet. Complying easily the raven thinks on how he was progressing. It wasn't as if he thought he was getting far, of course he'd like to imagine that he'd made a lot of progress, however he wasn't stupid.
The fits weren't subsiding, sure thinking of Vincent and the others helped and all but they kept happening. He knew somehow that they probably would not stop unless he did something. But Xavier just didn't know how to take that next step, to be honest he probably just didn't want to. He had been told that going to see someone, whether that be a councillor or a psychiatrist, would help but he didn't understand how.
How was talking to some stranger about bad shit supposed to make things better? Frowning lightly Xavier pets Mekal a little harder then he should but with a sigh calms down once more. The teen knew he probably didn't have any other real choices but simply remembering his past was unpleasant, speaking about it would make him have to focus on those things and that was just a really disagreeable thought.
Closing his eyes once more as his exhaustion catches up with him the raven wonders if he'll sleep well now. The exercise seemed to bring on a deep sleep that was just pleasant nothingness. However the teen was still scared, wary of what might happen if he let his consciousness slip. Curling up Xavier gradually filters his thoughts to a quiet hum, cuddling the cat who was now used to such treatment, he vaguely hears Mason get up and move about but soon enough the raven is sound asleep.
…
Waking later with a quiet whine Xavier stretches in bed, yawning he looks at Mekal who is growling slightly from being moved. Smiling a little wider Xavier pets the feline before getting out of bed, going to the kitchen and grabbing a piece of fruit he returns to his room. Pulling out his laptop the teenager opens the internet and types in with hesitant fingers "help for rape victims" searching up the small sentence the raven browses through the results. Trying to keep his breathing even, his mind focused.
Finding one that had several options he reads through it briefly, finding that it asked about what sleeping patterns he had before the incident, what diet did he have, did he exercise and what did he enjoy the most, and what routines did he have. It recommended that he try to keep all of those to help with his physical wellbeing. Thinking over that Xavier knows that he's basically back on track with all of those, save sleep, so he scrolls further.
Finding the one that he needed, one that helped with the emotional side of things the raven reads through. It asked things like; what fun or leisure activities had amused and entertained him, did he keep a journal or something where he wrote down his thoughts, was there some type of mediation or activity that helped relaxation, who did he spend time with, did he read? And what inspired him from those books, and where did he spend his time. This part said that the most important part about his emotional self-care was to be in tune with himself. Thinking back Xavier answers the questions in order, finding a notepad he writes down the questions and their answers.
Firstly he guessed fighting had been his entertainment, so had cooking and Physical Education at school. Since he wasn't really able to go to school at least he could cook at home and continue exercising at the gym.
He didn't keep a journal or anything so feminine but thinks that maybe it would help, jolting slightly when he feels a pressure on his lap Xavier looks down to Mekal. Smiling slightly he rubs the cats ears and gets the idea that maybe talking to the cat could be that part.
As for the meditation Xavier has to think that would be drumming, it was a surreal experience when he got into it and now that he thought about it the raven realised how long it had been since he had last touched his kit. He didn't read so he skips right over that, and as for where he spent most of his time the raven thinks that would be this home, before the incident probably the old rooftop on campus.
Finishing reading the page the teen finds a small note at the bottom, saying that he didn't have to go through this alone followed by a number for someone who is trained to help. Hesitating a moment the raven soon writes it down "800 656 HOPE(4673)" and a site where you can chat online online.rainn.org.
Sighing the raven sits at his desk a little longer, moving away from thoughts of the incident he grabs the latest homework Mason brought home. Getting started he pulls on some headphones and listens to music as he works through it. Time passes, outside the breeze seems to pick up as the clouds roll by. Mekal leaves the room to do something or other and soon Xavier is brought out of his daze by a faint knocking on his door. Finished his work an hour or so ago the raven looks over at the sound, one headphone had been off his ear but he slips the other off at the sight of his brother.
"Welcome home" He greets with a soft smile, Mason returning the expression in kind as he walks in. Taking the work as Xavier passes it over the brunet gives the other some more. Xavier places the new pile on his desk before looking back to his brother. "How was your day?" He questions, sort of feeling the need for conversation.
"It seemed to drag on, the weather has been getting closer to a rain storm so it was rather tiring" The brunet answers with a soft sigh, moving to sit on the bed he gets comfy as he looks around the room. Noticing the notepad on the desk that he hadn't seen before the brunet returns the question. "And yours?"
"I just went to the gym, slept a little, did some research and finished the homework so far" Xavier replies, eyes lingering on the notepad which he had yet to come back to. Yawning slightly Xavier turns his gaze to the window as he recalls Mason's words. It had indeed become darker outside, black and grey clouds covered the once light blue sky. Humming lightly at this Xavier soon stands at the small growl of his stomach. "You hungry?" He asks his brother as he strolls from the room.
Mason standing to follow with a small hum and they both wind up in the kitchen. Xavier cooking up something simple as Mason looks through his phone. It was quiet but comfortable Xavier finds and soon starts humming softly to himself. Cooking simple toasted sandwiches he shortly finishes and dishes them up, placing the brunets place in front of him Xavier sits as well. Thoughts wandering back to his notepad, he knew that he should form a plan off of it. Maybe it would actually help? He hoped it would to be honest, it's why he actually took the effort to research it.
Noticing Mason slide his phone away as he starts eating Xavier does the same, smiling at Mason's hum of approval at the taste. Cooking was definitely something he enjoyed; watching people's reactions were always something that helped his mood. Casually chatting with his brother as they eat and even after they have finished about random things and even their weekend plans Xavier feels his vague mood lighten.
Heading back to his room when they both finish the raven sits back at his desk, picking up the note book he reads over what he'd written then turns to a fresh page. He needed to write up some sort of plan to help him get back some normalcy, since the physical side of things was mostly sorted the raven focuses on the mental. Writing down things he should do he sometimes adds days of the week, sort of like a schedule.
"Cooking- daily, breakfast and dinner at least.
Play with Mekal- whenever able
Drumming- Monday, Wednesday and Friday, then whenever feeling like it
Talk with others more!"
Adding the last part after a moment Xavier nods, getting some glue tac the raven goes over to his wardrobe, opening it the teen sticks the small list inside the door. Today was only Thursday but the raven decides to go to the soundproof room, going in and shutting the door he goes over to his drum kit. Pulling on the headphones as he sits down Xavier takes a few deep breaths, considering what to play as he twirls the sticks in his hands the raven soon decides on one.
Taking another few deep breaths Xavier begins drumming, singing softly under his breath as his thoughts wander back. Changing up the beat as he feels he deviates from the songs path as he makes up for the other missing instruments.
He knew he was in a bad place, knew that after everything he had experienced with Denver life wouldn't be a walk in the park. But the raven wanted to become someone confident, wanted to recreate himself as someone new that could face what had happened and take it as unfortunate but not fall to pieces at the thought of it. He wanted to fight back against everything else and start anew for himself but also for those around him.
He wanted to push all this back in Denver's face as well don't get him wrong, he hated the monster that had treated him so horridly but at the same time he simply wanted to face his tormentor. Fixed and strong and backed by all his family and friends he wanted to show the man he wasn't empty anymore, that he was tough, that he was going to live his life the way he pleased, the way he deserved to.
Drumming out the finish, not realising how loud he'd begun to sing along Xavier feels invigorated, feels like maybe he can just accomplish all of this. Because shit he'd love that, he'd love to become someone capable of making his loved ones smile, someone who deserved to live and could make something of himself. Stinging in his eyes Xavier immerses himself in the last bits of the song, determination building under his skin, he would make this happen. He'd fight back against everything that was thrown at him, he'd win and he'd come out free.
Sliding off his headphones with a soft breath Xavier feels the sweat on his forehead that he hadn't even realised was there. Hearing a slow clapping from behind himself the raven turns, expecting to see Mason but slightly shocked when he sees Lucia instead. Flushing slightly the teen mumbles a small thanks. At this the older woman chuckles.
"That was amazing Xavier" She praises with a grin.