When the skies were darkened by clouds and the air was thick with the threat of rain, when the wind blew by and the air was so cold it felt like it froze bared skin as it passed by Xavier was the most comfortable. There was something to be said about the comfort he was able to gain when he would wrap himself in clothes and blankets on days like today and just enjoy the warmth that would cocoon him. Yet today as he lay in bed, window open he found the warmth to be more suffocating than comforting.
He had been released from the hospital five days ago, having been held until his stitches were removed he had spent much time with the others whenever they visited. Staring down at his wrists the raven's eyes can make out the pink marks even in this dim lighting, they would scar but the doctor had stitched them so finely that the lines would be barely noticeable. Though visibility wasn't an issue, it was more memory that held him down as well as the others around him. He would often catch the glances shared between the others at the church as he was dragged from his room, would see the pity as his figure was reflected in their eyes.
Privacy was a privilege now to the raven who had an escort no matter where he went, they would keep an eye on him every waking moment. Even when bathing a voice would float through the door that he had to leave unlocked to assess his condition.
He thinks they can never understand the pain he suffers from, the nightmares that stole his sleep and hoarded it voraciously. Sleep deprivation had been eating away at him ever since his release, in the hospital they had been able to sedate him in to dreamless unconsciousness yet now he had no such luxuries. So, he would lay awake in his bed, mind unable to find peace as he relived his childhood bit by bit in vivid memories.
After Xavier had woken the second day the raven had found that he must have suffered some mental damage as occasionally he would see small black creatures floating on the air around him. He thinks he sees other things sometimes as well, little gremlin looking beings that dash off as soon as his eyes meet theirs. He swears while in the hospital he's seen Mason and Vincent looking at the creatures. But that wasn't possible, he's convinced himself now that he's just delusional.
Hearing his bedroom door open the raven closes his eyes, letting his breathing come out deep and slow as his ears listen for the soft thud of feet as they approach his bed. His visitor was Mason, the teenager who had never known he was his brother until recently. After finding out the truth Mason had seemed both stunned and worried, unable to communicate to the raven what had plagued his mind only saying Xavier would find out soon enough. He would visit Xavier daily in the hospital and now that he was back home his brother would check on him every evening when he thought Xavier to be sleeping.
Xavier listens as he pretends to be resting well, he feels those cold fingers pressing on his neck, checking his pulse. He would make a small sound, frowning as he shifts slightly and will hear Mason give a soft huff of amusement. His brother would pull his hand away, standing there for a while more before he leaves, the sound of the door clicking shut soon followed by a thud as the brunet leans on it from outside.
A sob shatters the peaceful atmosphere Mason would make when he comes in, Xavier sits up and crosses the floor to his door. His own steps much quieter than his twins he sits and leans against the cold wood as he hears the other sliding down it. Each small sob or sniffle tears at his heart but he stays there, letting the other feel his presence even if he doesn't realise just how close he really is. He would stay there until Mason's crying subsides, would listen as his brother stands and stumbles unsteadily back to his own room.
Mason had become unusually attached to Xavier after finding out about their blood relation, something seemed to always be on the others mind when he watched Xavier but he never voiced his thoughts. Xavier thinks it's probably just confusion, finding out that his twin was someone so repulsive must bother the brunet.
The raven hated that he was the one who had caused the usually stoic brunet to break down, that he brought pain to those around him but he can't resist the pull. Even now there is that voice in the back of his mind, spewing forbidding ideas of how he could end his life. His lack of sleep wasn't helping his mental state either, every time he closed his eyes even when awake he was haunted by those nightmares.
They would provoke him to reach for the blades left out on the counter, climb to a high enough place and just freefall, remain under the surface of water until his lungs would collapse. He knew these thoughts were wrong but sometimes he would sit for hours, playing it out in his mind. He never could forget the immense relief he'd felt as he had cut through the skin on his wrists so easily. The bliss that had enveloped him at the thought that he would soon become one with the darkness, that he would cease to exist.
So while Xavier appreciated the others kindness as they guarded him constantly he resented them all the same. He wanted to recover like they were expecting of him, to just forget his life from the days before. But life never went the way people wanted, least of all the way Xavier wanted. He glances to the window as he scratches his wrists, he was reminded that if Vincent hadn't been there that first night he probably wouldn't be here anymore.
Life was a blessing scum like him didn't deserve, yet he longed for it all the same. He wanted to become who everyone thought he was capable of, wanted to become strong once more and strengthen his bonds with others in the process. Especially with the blond, the other had visited Xavier just as regularly as Mason, talking about random topics and picking fights. He helped Xavier feel normal again, helped that small part of himself speak it's desires to live a long life surrounded by those he loved.
Vincent had pushed Xavier forwards, gave him simple goals to complete every other day while in hospital and upon his release had asked the raven to go out with him on the weekend. Which happened to be tomorrow, and yet he still could not sleep. His head felt so heavy that it was difficult to hold it up so Xavier forces himself to stand. Moving back to his bed he climbs in and closes his eyes, he knew that giving in now he would be dragged into those horrid dreams, but he needed it. His body couldn't cope with it all. It only takes moments after laying down for the raven to fall asleep.
…
He was in a forest, greenery surrounded him on all sides, the fresh air brushing past and small beams of sunlight would break through the leaves and pool on the mossy ground. It was almost peaceful like this, yet he is not deceived, he can hear faint growls coming from behind the trees. A sense of sickness was surging to life inside his stomach as the sound changes, blood freezing as it resonates all around. Louder and larger laughter booms inside his ears, rattling his very bones as he feels himself breaking out in a cold sweat.
Turning he runs, trying to escape that manic sound but it follows him, as if it's raining down from above. The once peaceful forest buzzes threateningly around him, twigs and sticks scratching his skin as he runs near frantically now. He sees light through the trees and without thought dashes for it, breaking out of the woods the laughter stops yet he is momentarily blinded by the light.
The ground under his feet is cream in colour, grooved in odd ways as ridges stretched on for ages. That sound is back, low chuckles now Xavier's head flicks upwards, his heart near stopping at the horrifying sight. Denver is gigantic, his face so large that Xavier must only be the size of one of his eyes. He screams, trying to run once more but the ground moves and he topples as he's raised up to the others face.
Large fingers approach him as he scrambles backwards in an effort to escape but those fingers pinch together. His hair between them he lifts Xavier off the ground and he shrieks in agony, the weight of his body supported solely by his hair which is ripping slowly from his scalp.
"Where can you run Little Xavier?" That voice threatens, menacing as he's staring into the monsters eyes. Tears falling freely from his own as his hands try to clutch on to the fingers that hold him up.
A demonic smirk all but tears the others face in half, slow and monstrous and before Xavier can even think he's falling. There's nothing to grab on to as air rushes past him, he's screaming as the ground gets closer and closer. His arms cross over his face in a weak effort to protect himself from an impact that never comes.
…
Xavier has the sensation of falling in to his bed, the sound of his springs creaking fills the room as he flings himself into a seated position. Large crimson eyes stare at him from the darkness making him push back so fast that he hits his head hard on the wall. Yet with a blink of his eyes they're gone and he's left gasping for air, fear nearly paralysing him as he rubs frantically at his stinging eyes.
He pulls the blanket to his chest, eyes wide as he surveys his room, checking for even the slightest sign of danger. Seeking reassurance of his safety. Soon his gaze settles on his digital clock and he feels a breathless and desperate laugh pull from his chest. It had yet to be even an hour since his brothers visit.
Shaking hands reach for his music player and headphones, he pulls them on and plays the music loudly as he gets up and goes over to the window. Sitting at his desk chair he stares up at the stars, the moon shines through the clouds at this moment alone and the world is painted in pale monochrome. The sight gradually calms him along with his music that plays so loud it drowns out his own thoughts.
He shuts his eyes then, those ruby red eyes staring at him through the darkness he faces them grimly, a small grimace appearing on his face. He would get no more sleep that night, tomorrow Vincent would worry, but there was nothing more Xavier could do. Sighing the raven gets comfortable, planning to remain in the chair until the sun rises in the morning.