Xavier sat alone in this darkness, there was no sound, no light. Just nothing. He wonders if perhaps he was successful in his suicide attempt, the thought leaves him conflicted. On one hand he was relieved, he wouldn't have to suffer any more if that were the case. On the other, that was it. Was this darkness it then? Would he be trapped here for the rest of eternity?
As he thinks this the raven hears the sound of soft crying, it was right near his ear but no one was there. Sighing he thinks that perhaps he wasn't successful after all, he could still faintly feel so to speak. Catching a glimmer of light Xavier stands, ignoring that heart wrenching sound of tears as he walks forward. Perhaps this was the so called tunnel of light people would see? If that was the case he'd walk through it gladly. Heaven, Hell, Limbo, whatever he didn't care as long as he didn't have to keep suffering like this. The mantra starts in his head again, the same one that had been plaguing him since that incident.
He was disgusting, tainted to his very bones. He could feel it under his skin at all times, felt like if he dared to touch someone else that this infection would spread, that he would soil those pure people that surrounded him.
"XAVIER PLEASE!"
The voice is desperate, pleading so genuinely that Xavier actually pauses, his fingertips just grazing that light now. But with a shake of his head he crosses through, hoping once more that death would be as simple as ceasing to exist.
…
"Xavier! Come on hurry up! Mum will be home soon!" Mason's voice filters through the door, bright and excited, followed by the sound of small feet pattering on the ground as the brunet runs off. Smiling happily Xavier rips off his last bandage and throws it in to the bin. Opening the bathroom door the raven quickly follows after his brother, Mother Lucia was coming home today! John said so! Arriving in their room Xavier runs over to his bed and picks up his drawing off his blanket, turning to Mason he grins and they both share a childish giggle.
While Lucia had been gone they'd drawn up a picture each for her to take with her next time she left. They always missed the priestess when she went out on her road trips. Straightening out the small crinkles in the paper the raven hears the front door open and his eyes shine with mirth. Running out of their room the boys lightly shove each other, rounding the corner they both call out.
"Mother!"
"Mum!"
But when they can see properly Xavier notices that it's not actually Lucia, smile falling in disappointment the raven frowns at the stranger. Who was this man?
"Hey Mister who're you?" He asks bluntly, gaining a low chuckle in response Xavier feels a chill run down his spine and unthinkingly steps in front of Mason. This man didn't feel right somehow. Glancing to his brother Xavier notices the brunet's pale face, there's a cold sweat breaking out over his skin as he stares at a spot beside the stranger with pure fear.
Xavier can't see anything there but he knows something is wrong, so he grabs his brothers hand and runs as hard as he can in to the stranger. The man stumbles back, his eyes meeting Xavier's for a fraction of a second as they flash with crimson flames. Xavier doesn't stop then, fear driving him as he runs towards the church. Mother Lucia said that the church was a safe place, surely if they got inside Mason would be okay. Surely this scary man would go away.
Mason is calling out to Xavier, but he can't hear the words over the wind that seems to push them backwards towards the man. Glancing back Xavier feels tears sting his eyes as he notices they're being followed. But the man's just walking!
Pushing as hard as he can on the large church door Xavier shoves Mason inside as soon as it's opened enough and follows in after him. Sliding the lock into place with shaking hands Xavier can't calm his racing heart. He was scared, he was so scared but he had to protect Mason! That was the big brothers job right!?
Hearing a loud BANG Xavier watches the doors shake, as he stumbles back. That man was trying to get in! Spinning around the raven quickly grabs Mason again, the other was so stiff, absolutely petrified as Xavier dragged him to the back room. Pulling Mason over to a box the boy opens the lid and forces his brother inside before shutting it and locking it. The box was big enough for Mason only, it had lots of those books that Lucia handed out to the people that came here. Bibles or something like that.
Hearing a heart stopping crack and clutter Xavier races out of the room in time to see the man stepping through the door way, the wooden doors shattered to splinters all over the floor. This man was dangerous, he was going to hurt them. Quickly shutting the door Xavier heads to the back exit and pretends to guard it. Maybe the stranger would think Mason had gotten away? Xavier had to protect his little brother, he had to be brave!
But his body wouldn't listen, his legs were shaking and his eyes were getting blurry. Whimpering as the man gets closer and closer the raven grabs a walking stick that had been near the door and with a loud shout tries to hit the stranger with it. But the man just catches it with one hand, the other comes and grabs at his slim throat.
It's squeezing so tight, and he's being lifted off the ground. It hurts, and he can't stop crying. He's screaming for help but he can't breathe in!
It hurts!
He's scared!
Where was Lucia!?
Hearing the banging from the box he'd locked Mason in the raven watches the man glance to the door and panics. Scratching harder at the hands that are choking him mid-air he fights against the black creeping in to his vision.
"Leave h-him….alone!"
…
Shooting up in the bed Xavier fights against the sheets holding him down, mind still in a panic he tries to run as soon as his feet touch the ground. Blue eyes practically crazed as the room comes in to focus, but his mind is still in the past.
"Mason! Run!" He gasps out as something pulls on his arm. Looking down he sees a tube coming out of him, it's filled with red liquid. Then the rest of the room comes in to focus, the hospital lights, the white walls and floor. Sound? Why couldn't he hear anything?
"Xavier? Calm down!" Hands grab the raven's shoulders as he turns his eyes to the voice, Mason is looking at him, his own teal eyes filled with confusion and worry. Luke stands behind him, shock on his features as he steps forwards. Lucia? Eyes widening with the realisation of the memories and the present Xavier tries to push forwards, mouth opening as he tries to speak but his vision is going dim again.
He can't fight unconsciousness as it tries to drag him back, his body goes limp and falls. He's caught from behind by a familiar pair of strong arms. Not Mason's and not Lucia's either. Who was it?
....
The second time Xavier wakes up the room is dark, the silence broken regularly by small beeps from the machine that's hooked on to his finger. A small amount of light filters in from the slight crack in the door that allows Xavier to make out the shape of the person asleep in the chair next to his bed. Squinting slightly the raven manages to take in small, tell-tale features; tan skin, thick but shaped eyebrows, and short blond hair. Feeling his chest do some sort of weird twist and stab Xavier resists the urge to reach out and touch the other.
Aside from the soft sound of Vincent's breathing and the machine the quiet lulls Xavier in to some sort of reflective state. Forcing himself to sit up the raven lifts his hand to stare at his wrists, he could distinctly remember the oh so satisfying sting as he'd cut through his tender skin like melted butter. The relief he'd felt at the thought of ceasing to exist. Small black stitches stare at him from underneath a transparent plastic bandage, almost unthinkingly Xavier's fingers pick at the dressing, irritation and anguish bursting to life as his feelings finally catch up.
He didn't want to be saved dammit! Ripping the bandage off the raven's nails grab on to one of the fine threads, but a sudden snore snaps him out of it. Slowly letting go of the stitch Xavier glances over to Vincent, he feels the familiar sting of tears in his eyes and after a moment he feels the warm water trailing down his cheeks.
Why was the other even here? Xavier was trash, nothing but scum. He didn't understand why the other even cared about him in the first place. Xavier didn't want to be alive, hell he didn't even deserve to be. Climbing out of bed Xavier moves over to the other with a sniffle and hesitantly reaches out to stroke Vincent's cheek.
The other seems to lean in to his touch which stirs a warmth inside the raven, that is until he sees that green spreading up his hand, up to his fingers. Quickly pulling away before Vincent can be stained Xavier stares down at his hand as his despair is bared anew.
He didn't need love, he couldn't have such a dangerous thing cradled inside his tainted body.
But why?
Why was it so hard to look away from the blond? Why did he feel such a deep craving for Vincent to pull him in to his chest, to embrace him and tell him everything would be okay?
Shaking hands rise to rub at his eyes as he sobs, stumbling away Xavier shakes his head as he goes over to the window and presses his head against the cold glass. Tears falling freely as he struggles between the two strong desires of wanting to pull out the stitches, yet also wanting to climb on to Vincent's lap and plead for help.
He couldn't be normal again, not after what Denver did to him, not after his very being was stained by the others filth. So why did he think he could keep living? Why did he think he could go on like nothing was wrong?
But he wanted to so badly, he didn't want to die, he didn't want to remember what had happened. He just wanted to be normal, just wanted to be safe. Why was that so much to ask for? Why couldn't he escape from that monster?
"Hey there" The words are spoken right in to his ear, deep and husky from sleep, as arms slide carefully around his waist and pull him back in to a strong chest. Xavier's sobs shake as he feels Vincent's chin rest on his head, as he feels the others warmth cocoon him so perfectly. "Feeling alright?"
Feeling alright..? Laughing through a loud sob Xavier wipes his face and shakes his head. Turning he buries himself into the others chest as he sobs harder. Why was just this enough to make up his mind? How did he feel so strongly for the other that just this simple touch was enough to soothe the war's inside his mind? Why was it that just a few words from this gorgeous man could make or break him?
"How c-could I be feeling better? Life sucks and I just can't deal with this anymore" Xavier croaks out, voice thick with water as he tries to stop his crying. He could hear Vincent's steady heartbeat, could feel his warm breath on his head. Everything about the other seemed to help the raven to slowly regain something like composure.
"Mhm, mind if I tell you something?" Vincent responds, his voice a soft whisper and filled with such kindness and warmth that the raven's tears just won't stop. Vincent pulls back slightly, one arm moving so his hand can cup the raven's cheek and make him look up into those deep brown eyes. "You're stupid, selfish, and cruel" He says, his hand pinching Xavier's cheek lightly as his eyes start to shimmer with their own tears. "But you're also stronger than you think, and more loved then you can ever know. You're braver than you give yourself credit for so I don't want to hear you say you want to give up. I don't want you to leave me behind." The confession stabs Xavier right in the chest as he feels the first shred of guilt for what he'd done. Vincent's crying now but he pulls the raven back in tight and squeezes him as he rubs his back.
Xavier can feel the faint shakes in the others chest, and the more Vincent cries the more his own tears slowly dry. He can't help the way his chest clenches, he wants this so badly. This beautiful person, this wonderful feeling. Raising his shaky arms Xavier clutches at Vincent's back and holds him close.
"Is it really okay?" He feels himself asking, voice meeker than a mouse as he seeks out any sort of confirmation, any validation for his existence.
"Of course" Vincent's own voice is croaking now, thick with the tears he won't stop crying. He doesn't even know what Xavier is asking, he can't but the words spread relief through the raven's chest. How could the other be so sure? How could he know?
"Can I really keep going? Can I keep loving you?" He says with a sob, his eyes only stinging with dry tears now. He was filthy, stained to his very core. But he couldn't deny himself this warmth, this life. Vincent's hands are on his cheeks again, making him look up he watches the way Vincent's tears catch on his chin before dropping on to his shirt.
"Of course" the other repeats softly, the answer pulling a soft laugh from Xavier and a small smile from the other. Vincent's warm touch is so soothing, his words so reassuring. Xavier finds his eyes fluttering slightly, the abyss trying to pull him back under once more. Vincent doesn't seem all too surprised as Xavier starts to go limp but the raven has to say it, has to make sure the other understands. Even if he was broken, even if he shouldn't want this.
"I love you" He says, voice laced with sleep as his eyes finally close and he falls not into that cold place but in to a nurturing warmth.